Hey Shawty, can I buy you a drank? Last night I finally got to meet my #1 jealousy target - Perez Hilton. He flew into Beantown to host a party at Mansion for the the official launch of Going.com, a social networking and nightlife website geared to the specific city you live in. And they had Lady Sovereign perform! Who's hot - and not only because she's British, two feet tall and rocks a side ponytail. But also because she had a live meltdown in NYC last week where she threatened herself and the audience from the stage! And said "F*ck America"! HOT! How could I not go?
Famed Boston radio funnyguy and Internet personality Jackson Blue mc'ed this bitch, and he name-dropped A Socialite's Life from the stage without requiring payment or for me to do anything dirty! Thanks, Jackson!
I'm not exactly sure what Perez was expected to do. And I wonder how much scratch he got for it. Because he was kind of...dull. I don't know. I know he's not a comedian or anything. But he said a few things and was gone. I am a thirsty jealous bitch when it comes to that dude, because he's got it on lock. But shouldn't he have done something trademark like I don't know, draw on a poster of Lohan with a white marker or something? When Jackson asked him for some gossip about Nicole Richie, he replied "I don't want to get sued". HUH? Bitch, that's what you get paid for! And when Jackson asked about Paris, he replied "I heard the lesbian prison sex is hot". Well, I guess he gets points for actually making fun of her for once. Sorta. My friend The Fat Rooster accompanied me and noted "Apparently Perez needs spell check and a gay thesaurus in order to come up with the shit he writes on his blog. Oh, and probably at least three glasses of box wine to get the balls to actually post it." SNAP! I only require two glasses to post what I write! HAH! (Your suspicions that I'm drunk at work have now been confirmed.)
Keep reading for the part where J. actually talks (er, slurs) to Perez and might have hit on him. Oh, and some Lady Sovereign details.
Speaking of booze - your snarky bitch got TANKED. P.I.N.K vodka was one of the sponsors and the dirty martinis were flying fast and furious. So by the time, Perez was off the stage and available to talk to, I was already fully in the bag. Actually, I think I puked in the bag and passed out under it. Sometimes these events make me nervous because I'm more of a safety of my laptop type girl. You know, like when you're in your car and you feel safe because the doors are locked so you can flip off that eight foot tall, 400 lb. truckdriver? So I get sorta nervous when I'm out at these do's and I sometimes have a couple of cocktails to take the edge off. Which is probably how hookers are able to steal my wallet at Jenna Jameson parties.
I only spoke with him for about a millisecond. But he now has my card. So if he didn't immediately toss it, I'm now the fug drunk queen who might have hit on him. Yes. It's possible I hit on him. I'm a complete slut when I booze and I like the beefy types, and I think his sweater might have been cute. DAMN YOU, BEER GOGGLES. Oh, and I asked him a question which I think was how come you never make fun of Paris on your site? I think I asked that. Jesus, was I tanked. And now for an exclusive ASL quote from Perez Hilton:
"I just do my own thing."
And with that he was gone. He musta been like "get me outta here". Thanks Perez. Sorry if I was "shiteous" or whatever. With your gray-haired ass. Please. Moving on, Lady Sovereign is awesome. I think she did like two songs but whatever. There was no meltdown or "f*ck America" and like I said, a side ponytail. Which I think is my favorite hairstyle for women. Of course, I'm also speaking as a retarded person. The crowd loved her tiny ass. They wanted to put her in their pockets and take her home and have her say things like "nuffink" and "geeza". She's the biggest midget in the game!
Anyway, it was a great time and extra special thanks to Big Night Entertainment and Going.com for allowing my drunk ass in to cover it and to Jackson Blue for being a nice guy and for the ASL name drop.
Dawn says:
You met your arch-nemesis and that's all you have to show for it.
Weak, dude, very, very weak.
He's just some guy, not the Pope for crying out loud.
Used to Love Her says:
Oh J Harvey. No words. Oh well three. Oh J Harvey. At least you still have your wallet. Right?? Or is Perez charging shit up right now? You didn't try to offer it to him for sex did you? I'm not sure you remember. Oh J Harvey.
Laura says:
Oh J., baby, I would pick you over yucky perez anyday! You are keeping it real!
Laura says:
Oh J., baby, I would pick you over yucky perez anyday! You are keeping it real!
C2theB says:
Your writing style constantly has me laughing out loud at my desk in the office! I can vividly see what you are writing about just like I was there, please don't stop!
Jinxy McDeath says:
[b]he was kind of...dull[/b]
J Harvey, you let down the millions of Perez haters... you could have shived him in a dark crowded bar and gotten away with the deed.
BTW he's always dull.
stolidog says:
P.L.E.A.S.E.
swear to me that you were only kidding about hitting (or even thinking of hitting) on that clubfooted, moose headed simpleton from the south.
mollynik says:
Hey people! Haven't you ever-you know-been a little nervous over an event & had a little more relaxant than you should have? Give the guy a break-at least he's honest about it. EVERYONE is a slut when you're drinking vodka.......ADMIT IT!!!!
The Fat Rooster says:
I didn't give you permission to quote me. I'm gonna sue yo ass!!
Ldysunfyre says:
My theory as to why Perez licks Paris' pussy:
1. Mario names his site perezhilton.com;
2. Mario becomes Perez Hilton;
3. As Perez, he talks some shit about Paris;
4. Paris or one of her flack says they'll sue his ass for making money using a play on Paris' name/family name unless he agrees to go easy on her and post only good shit about her;
5. Perez bends over and takes it like a good little bitch so he can keep his site name.
There you have it.
RubyJackson55 says:
Ldysunfyre... you got it exactly right!!!!
J and Lisa... you are so much better than that theif, Perez. We LOVE you!!!
ASL and DListed are the BEST!!
nora says:
J Harvey=fun, fun, fun.
perez hilton not so.
It's as simple as that!
Max says:
WAIT!
Does J. live here in Boston? Can I stalk..I mean meet him?
JaneSays says:
"Oh, and I asked him a question which I think was how come you never make fun of Paris on your site? I think I asked that. Jesus, was I tanked. And now for an exclusive ASL quote from Perez Hilton: "I just do my own thing." And with that he was gone. He musta been like "get me outta here". Thanks Perez. Sorry if I was "shiteous" or whatever. With your gray-haired ass. Please."
Now that I've recovered from my lung nearly popping out of my body from laughing so hard, may I suggest, dear J, that you NEVER go to anymore of these events without a designated set of sober eyes! Beer goggles be damned; you're a brave soul for admitting that one!! Anyhoo, thanks for busting on that fraudulent waste of human space (aka Perez, The Useless Tool) about his extreme bias towards his BOSS Paris! It's about time someone from your bloggers' circle did!!!
Darth Paul says:
I love the fatboys, too, J. If I didn't know who the Perez was, I'd've probably tried to stuff the pork loin myself. But I do, so it's kinda gross in actuality, but still kinda hot in theory...in a gross kinda way. ARGH, whatever, I'm jealous/excited you got to meet the SOV, too. Her words hurt you like losing viriginity!
paulbradley says:
perez is so much better than the other bloggers is not even funny, he is so clever and funny and ballsy, the rest just dont exist, and thats why he is the best, no one comes close
cbenji says:
sorry... ain't that much vodka in the world J.
you just lost a thousand cool points.
ps. ewwwww... stank stankity stank stank perez. what were you thinking?