Project Runway: Reunited And It Feels So Fierce

Heidi is so reading from a cue card. How she's doing it past the actual bangs in her eyes, I will never know. The bangs are literally poking into her eyes, I would have swept that shit back in a heartbeat. The designers are here at Parsons. Heidi is allowed to kind of go with it for the reunions and comments on how relaxed the designers look. She says they look a little less tense without the spotlight in their faces. She demonstrates a spotlight by holding her hand aloft in a claw-like gesture and grunting. It's like she's describing how "Cloverfield" worked.

Ugh, there's Steven still looking like he just reorganized the A/V closet. Kelis aka Carmen has some sort of Asian type hairpiece sticking out of the side of her melon. She doesn't want hugs ever, I guess. She says "thank you" in a brisk way to Heidi welcoming them. Like she's ready to launch into "WHY DID YOU SEND ME HOME?" Oh, and one of the designers is going to win the fan favorite compeition and get 10K. I hope it's Fashion Bear Chris. I love him but he needs a new bathrobe. When Tim announces the amount, Heidi's like "nice!" as if she doesn't stir her coffee with 10K in bills every morning. Tim's like "thrilling, huh?" Oh please, that's basically what he paid Veronica Webb for that sidekick job.

Kevin tells Heidi's it's been weird. It's also been hot, because the brotha is looking good. I know that heterosexual insistence thing was grating, but damn can he fill a t-shirt. Heidi zeroes in on Simone (I'm some kind of clairvoyant) and asks her how it's been for her without giggling somehow. Simone's fine, albeit looking like a spinster, and we find out that she was with Kit Derringer when Kit was approached in an airport by a group of kids looking for a picture with her. No one believes they wanted yours, Mone', they thought you were Kit's Mom. Kit is looking like a negative image of Emily the Strange. She's also wearing those sleeves that come up and over your hand and that would drive me crazy, like a dog in one of those big head funnels!

Elisa's talking but I can only focus on Tricky Ricky's new hat! It's like red leather couch material. I guess he made some scratch and upgraded! Maybe Anderson Cooper found his ass on the corner. Jack's Joker face seems to have abated. I'm sure we will be getting some tears from him later on. Sweet P talks about how celebrities approach her. She's working the side ponytail which makes me want to invite her over for a glass of wine and talk about how her day went. A side ponytail will give you a whole new outlook. Sweet P is bragging about how Jack Black accosted her (like, tackled?) and Katherine Keener said she was her favorite. Wow, so eff you other bitches. She also mentions that whatever hot party she was at that Brad Pitt was "in the vicinity". Like enemy troops? He gives off waves of fame.

Heidi interrogates VictorYA about her first showing. She says it was great and she got a lot of write-ups. In the penny saver. VictorYA looks as stank as ever. Seriously, the newsstand guy must pull down the aluminum door when her ass rolls up. Heidi asks the losers who they thought would make Bryant Park. That creepy guy with the fisherman cap nominates Carmen, obviously because she's black and eclectic. Racist! Go back to figuring out the best way to dispose of a body! Steven talks about how he watched Rami pull off his draping fabric miracle of Fatima thing, and how he was amazed. Meanwhile, bitch got kicked off because he was too busy watching Rami!

Heidi wants to cut to the chase now and bring out the finalists. She's like a bored and impertinent high school sophomore running student council. She brings out Christian. My friend The Fat Rooster told me all about couture posing. Which is when the models do this thing where they put their hands on their hips and kind of rack their bodies, hunched over. Probably by the weight of all the bullshit piled on their backs. Christian pulls one of those poses behind the scrim before he flits out. He cut his hair and it's obvious most of the losing designers hate his ass. He did his hair four times today. Of course he did. Jillian. Rami. Chris. Heidi asks Chris if he missed everybody. Chris looks around like "who the f*ck are these people" and he's like "yeah".

We get the replay of the Rami/Chris revelation. Rami and Chris are apparently dating now as they're all snuggled up together. Rami likes bears! I knew there something about that dude that I liked! Does he let Chris stand in his coffee window alongside him as he regards the world? They ask them about their collections. Fashion Bear says his is "kooky". Oh kid, that's never good. Models wearing garden hose and sparklers. Fashion Bear compares Bryant Park to the Superbowl. A much better one, without Paula Abdul.

It's time to make Jack cry. He even says "oh, god" when Heidi begins the footage of his crisis. Here we go. We even get a split-screen of Jack STARTING to cry. Look at Bravo milking this sadness cow! Sweet P cries again! The only thing that brings me out of this is the shot of VictorYA shaking her head in the background as if to say "pussy!" By the way, Jack is JACKED. He's a whole gym! We find out he spent a week in the hospital but he's fine now. Heidi asks Christian how he felt about the Jack drama, and he says something to the effect of "well, I guess I felt bad but I do get to see him now!" which translates as "bitch didn't die and I'm in the final four!" Tim gets a blank-faced VictorYA to admit that she was upset about it. Heidi bares her claws and refers to VictorYA as always being a "bit uptight". I seriously doubt VictorYA has any qualms about running you over with her Toyota Scion, so watch it. So basically Tim and Heidi rank on VictorYA's ass and VictorYA basically shrugs as if to say "kill ya latah!"

Jack says he was asked if Tim's that nice, if Heidi's that pretty and if he will come back next season. Yes, yes, don't know are he answers. You know Heidi threw that one about her being pretty in there. She threatened to withhold his cocktail. Ooooh, we get to the Kevin is gay question. We find out that he's been hanging out with Jack a lot and he's been to every gay bar in the city. I don't think we need Encyclopedia Brown to follow these clues. Wear a condom. We don't need two Joker faces. He claims he lives with his girlfriend. Is her name Alexis Arquette? Heidi isn't convinced. Go, Heidi. Me neither. Neither is Tim! We get Kevin is gay footage. Apparently roommate Jack ran around a lot in his skivvies and Kevin found he was trying so hard "not to be gay". Don't fight it, bro! We get awesome footage of Heidi's rampant homophobia as she says that she wouldn't let Seal wear one of Kevin's outfits because it was "too fruity". Should I put on my pink triangle and shave my head now or later, Heidi? Kevin says if he made the outfit for Seal, he would have made it fruitier. Christian hits on Kevin. He likes men, not women!

Everyone thinks Chris will win the fan favorite competition. We find out that the work is grueling, and it's a hot trannie mess. That was from you know who. We find out everyone was gassy all the time from Chinese food. And that the women lost weight. We get the Elisa is a crazy interdimensional hippie footage. She does the Cabbage Patch in joy when she sees that she's getting a segment. That Porsche running over her head in London did her good! We get footage of Nina Garcia and Sarah Jessica Parker reacting to Elisa's tendency to spit on her designs. Or Nina could have reacting to some bad goulash. Same thing. Sarah probably had the same face when Matthew Broderick told her he'd been banging Nathan Lane. We find out the spitting comes with a blessing. Spit on my face, Elisa! Heidi isn't impressed as we find out that Elisa can read backwards? I'm just moving on.

We get Tricky Ricky crying footage. A lot of crying. Like a river of tears. He's crying over BlueFly.com. And oxygen. And life. Tricky has to explain why he cries so much. He doesn't really. I just think he needs some pills. He also say she didn't know he was going to "cry like a woman". Excuse me? Rami Noodles sees beauty in it. Thanks, Noodles. We find out that Carmen has been bruised since thinking that Sweet P and Kit Pistol cut her ass up after she was bounced. Kit comes to console her and we have an "I Love You, Kelis" moment. We get a Fashion Bear's Laugh moment. I love me some, Fashion Bear Chris. Heidi asks him to laugh them into the break and Rami tickles him and what is going on there? Whatever it is, I hope Rami's a top for his own sake.

Ooh, it's Nina Garcia and Michael Kors! We get some HIGH-larious footage of Michael Kors cracking up at the wrestling diva challenge. Because those hoes do some crazy poses! And it turns out Nina Garcia has teeth. Its'a Laff Factory! I honestly love Michael Kors so much right now. I love how the two trannies from Heathette are like how much weed did this queen smoke? There's a really boring segment of people's wrestling personalities. Tim would be "Polly Syllabacus". I guess he took Christian's suggestion to "work it out, Tim!"

We find out Heidi's the toughest judge. And that Nina's glad she had another bad cop this season to make her look less like the horrendous bitch that she is. Nina explains that she tries to judge them to what she sees out on the market. I don't see tear-stained faces on the cover of "Elle", Garcia! This is your personal torment playground! We also find out that someone out on the street called her "Gar-zilla"! HAH! VictorYA asks Michael why he doesn't dress like a "top American designer". Ooh, VictorYA's working it out, too! We learn that Kors used to be trendy and that he wore leg warmers. Come again? Jennifer Beals is jealous. We find out that Heidi is an evil bitch but thinking in two languages is what makes her so.

We find out that the judges thought most of the men's challenge designs sucked. Heidi brings up Carmen's lack of a shirt, and Carmen's all "I know, Heidi". Ouch. And she's crying again! Sweet P thinks her wrestling diva creation was the worst. Way to take one for the team, Sweet P because there were a lot uglier things going on. Chris asks about what's on the judges' cards. It's numbers and immediate reactions. Creepy fisherman cap guy says he shouldn't have gone home so early to kill again. Kevin's not only newly gay, he's nice. HE says that if he had to choose between him and Christian in the prom dress challenge, he would have sacrificed himself for Christian. You know Christian's like "that's nice, but I wouldn't have".

Christian's the fan-favorite designer. Michael Knight, aka Mychael Knight, brings him out his check. Mychael gained some weight. And braces? Uh, so he became a girl in junior high? He used his 10K to release a fragrance. That's gotta be one jacked up scent. Did he just buy bottles for his sweat? We get Christian footage. I had to actually pause typing when he describe the sides of his hair as "party and business" and then his face
as "money-maker". Oh, how you talk.

There's footage online of Tim Gunn from Fashion Week staggering around like the Alzheimer's just hit. The losers discuss who they think will win. Elisa feels because she can wear Jillian's, Jillian is a go. Creepy fisherman's cap guy thinks Rami will win which means the others are going to end up in graves in the woods. And there's your reunion.

Next - The Chris and Rami showdown. And Jillian and Christian aren't finding each other's moneymakers to be fierce. My god, can you stand the tension?