Please! No more flatulence questions! I'm still getting over my nausea. This week's request for advice comes from the reader who asked for advice on how to conduct herself when she has to eat in Third World countries. I'm happy to report that she has dived right in and she's eating boiled duck eggs and grasshoppers and if she vomits, so be it! Issue solved! Anyway, she has a problem with her friend's art. Keep reading....
What do you do if you bond with a new friend over both of you being artists/writers/poets etc, and they're like, "hey would you like to read some of my work?" and you're like, "sure!" and then they send it to you or give it to you or whatever and unfortunately it is ASTONISHINGLY BAD CRAP and is pretty much irredeemably
hopeless in so far as you can tell???? And they're waiting for your comments on it??? What do you say???
Kitt
Dear Kitt,
"Sure?" You said "sure?" Are you high? Your friend is evil for even asking. It never works out. First off, try to never read a friend's work unless it's in a public forum and you're faced with it. Like the bullshit I write. It will preserve your friendship. Avoid that situation at all costs. A friend of mine once asked me to read a fairy tale she wrote (no, I'm not kidding) and I wanted to hurl myself out of a window, it was so bad. It was about gnomes or something? Oh hell nah. And the gnomes took her to their world? And I think there was a talking badger. I'd rather read the Bible.
Anyway, lie. I know how that sounds. Just lie. If you like her, you'll lie. Be like "oh it was great" and "I really liked your metaphor involving the garden." And if she's like "that wasn't a garden," then just say "well, I just got the image of a delightful bountiful garden in my head through your beautiful words." And if she's like "really, this was set in the deserts of hell," you can be like "but the emotional purity was so lush! Lush as a garden!" Hopefully she'll feel so awkward, she'll table it and move on.
And if you only semi-like Sylvia Plath here and don't mind that she'll be kind crushed, drop some truth. Be subtle and say, "I loved the title." And stop there. And start talking about how the barista is totally staring at your boobs. Hope this helped.
Oh! And to teach her a lesson? Write something terrible on purpose and ask her to critique it. Write a poem about how your significant other likes to be diapered. That'll teach her. She'll never bother you again.
Feel free to critique my work. I know that I have absolutely no grasp of the post-modern metaphor. Please continue sending me YOUR work in the form of requests for advice to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR E-MAILS!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
Bunny says:
I heart you, J!!! Omg, that was hilarious.
JAnne says:
Quite possibly the funniest thing you have written...
Bleecker says:
Great advice! I loved everything you said except for the getting even part.
I have a few bad writers in my life who ask for my editorial help on their work--and I'm not just talking about resumes. One friend, in particular, is a good writer, but his genre is science fictiony stuff with tons and tons of clever asides in the style of Douglas Adams. I find overly cerebral writing tiring and irritating, so I never read anything he sends me. Whenever he asks I just say, "Man! I keep forgetting to print that out and read it." Eventually he stops asking for my opinion. Passive aggressive, but it works.
karen says:
J, this is your best writing ever!
Krystyn says:
I have to say you made glorious lemonade with a sour rotten moldy lemon of a "problem". This was kind of a boring problem, I rather liked the one about the bridesmaids and Tahoe and the farty coworker was good too.
lateebella says:
LOL, this was great advice for an awkward situation!
Instead of writing about diapering your boyfriend though, maybe write something in your friend's style and see what they think. That'll make for great irony!!!
DruNken LauRen says:
you know me... i am always for Tell the TRUTH... BUT not this time.... I am 100% w/my man J.... just lie and say, I loved it... girl/boy, let your other friends read it too... share your good writting skills...
or just say don't just take my word for get it, get others opionion as well, then if someone has the guts to tell them the truth... just brush it off... oh what do they know...
Crime Dog says:
I teach in an MFA poetry program and that was the most insightful, thoughtful best advice you could possibly give.
Well done, mon frer
Tanya says:
It doesn't say anything in your wee caveat about your not being a Reverand. There has to be an online organization that'll ordain you on the cheap.
The Rev. J. Harvey....
It's Perfect!!!