Top Chef: Child's Play

Padma is here with Oprah's personal chef, Art Smith as our Quickfire Challenge judge. He seems like a nice guy. OOOOH! They're using Uncle Ben's microwave rice! I use that! Spike's newest hat makes me want to rip it off his head and shove it up his ass. The chefs have 15 minutes to make a dish for their Quickfire Challenge. This is a total product plug, but I'm down because it cooks in 90 seconds. It's crazy handy if you're like me and burn water.

People are hauling ass around the kitchen. And someone's going to get a blender in the face. Stephanie made a seafood pancake. Ugh? Antonia makes rice and salad. Uh, should we actually be using "made" in that sentence? Richard is wearing a kind of v-neck black t-shirt and I'm sort of into it.

Richard's hair is JACKED up for this challenge. It's reflecting his success. I HATE SPIKE'S HAT. It's this bizarre black and white Hatfield and McCoy hillbilly corncob pipe bullshit. I like how Art Smith is wicked gay. He's very comforting with his gesticulation.

The tall hobbit made miso horny salad. Sorry, I had to. Tall hobbit's turkey is dry. Andrew is so desperate for adulation. And he doesn't get it! FAIL! Stephanie was told her pancakes are heavy. Who you callin' heavy, Tons O' Buns? Art Smith is one crafty queen, because he gave almost everyone compliments during the tasting but then screwed them during the judging.

Antonia's rice in a salad won the challenge. She's got the immunity. Does she still want to f*ck everybody? The chefs are going to work with some initiative that wants families to eat together. It has to be simple and nutritious and for a family for four. For just $10. Andrew's already whining. Shut the f*ck up, Andrew. Let Spike use the brain. Though, I doubt $10 is going to far at Whole Foods.

Frantic chefs hit Whole Foods with their sawbucks. I could watch Richard run for hours. Andrew's philosophy is "simple, old, new." Brilliant. Get the t-shirt. Dale is doing bratwurst. Stephanie is totally stuck. Antonia's a single mom. Cue the tears.

Tall hobbit is making a vegetarian curry. Chefs have trouble getting it under $10. What the hell is tall hobbit playing? Is that an aboriginal instrument? He better concentrate on his turkey moisture. Antonia's daughter tells her not to come home unless she wins. That girl knows how to inspire a bitch. Antonia and her daughter share a shit joke. That's charming.

Time to cook! Padma and Queen Art are here. Oh Christ, they gotta cook with kids! They're just going to get in the way! And get burned! Richard loves kids. I might have to marry him. He might have to cut a little off the top of the faux-hawk but we can work around that. By the way, the kids are sorta adorable in their chef hats.

Just have the kids read a magazine. We find out Lesbian Lisa's girlfriend has a kid and he helps them cook. This show is making me tear up, seriously. Maybe it's because I just Maced myself. Nevermind. She doesn't give him a knife, though. Richard's trying to get his kid to like beets. That's gonna be tough. Spike's kid cuts himself and Spike asks him about his sex life. He's 8, Spike. Jesus. I'm waiting for either Spike or Andrew to wig out on a kid. They would. Tall hobbit is still discussing his homeland with his kid, and the kid's like "is this freak going to have me chop some bok choy or what? Damn."

Lesbian Lisa finds creating curry for a family to be a bad idea. Nikki was raised by a single parent and cooking when she was 8,9, 10 years old. I think that was a sad story. Dale's a chef because he couldn't play basketball. How tall did he think he was going to grow? Andrew used to be fat. Here's Tom Colecovision! Tom Coleco is scaring Richard's kid. He's trying to make jokes but both Richard and the child are alarmed, and Richard pulls her out of there like Tom just fondled himself while staring at the playground.

Nikki tells Tom about her sad childhood. Don't flog it to death, Nikki. Tom needs to rescue tall hobbit's child, she's traumatized. Chefs wind down and start to plate. Antonia wants her kid to high-five her harder. What is going on there?

A bunch of kids are here to eat! Richard's Abigail tells her crew what beets are. Eat em' or die, bitches! Lisa made peanut butter and apple French toast. Never had THAT as a kid. A kid asks Dale if his sausage is spicy. Isn't she a minx? Kids love spaghetti! Nikki loves her single parent story! She takes Queen Art in with her latchkey kid tragedy. Meanwhile, Colecovision is freaking tall hobbit Mark out.

Tall hobbit lacks protein! Andrew gets down on his knees to talk to the judges. I HATE when they do that at the Outback! I just want to enjoy my walkabout chicken or whatever and you need to back away, Alicia! Stephanie made some kind of crazy couscous meal. She doesn't impress them. By the way? Buy GLAD cling wrap.

Gail is drunk again and so trying to get into Tom's britches. Richard says that he was so taken by Antonia crying that he wants to go home and make some babies. Richard, I'm fertile! Pick me! Damn, he was really affected by those children!

The chefs report to that dungeon of sadness, surrounded by GLAD products. Richard tells a weird story where it sounds like he propositioned his child. Huh? Richard, stick to cooking. And enticing me. Gail is wearing a big purple cape to hide her booze bloat. Nikki likes bold Brussels sprouts and Queen Art likes the phrase "one pot wonders." Antonia wins it. Must have been the poop joke.

I like that they let the chefs drink in the storeroom of despair. I would need to. Lisa has the most construction worker swagger I've ever seen. Tom did not love Stephanie's peanut butter/tomato/lemon juice sauce medley. Who would? That sounds gross. Tall hobbit mark looks rough. Did he stay up all night playing his aborigine pipe? He's also a little sensitive, as he accuses Tom of not liking him. Tom laughs but will punch him in the throat later to prove him right. Queen Art and Drunken Gail find that tall hobbit mark didn't use enough veggies in his veggie curry.

Lisa defends her dish like it's the debate team. She cites their past advice. And she really goes to the wall with her defense. Tom found her under flavored beans "shocking." I've been shocked before but never over beans. Padma found Stephanie's dish to be "disgusting." People were really taken aback by some of these dishes. Like personally insulted. It's food; it's not that serious!

It's down to Lesbian Lisa, Stephanie and tall hobbit Mark. Tom is bringing their "fun day" to a "bitter end." He's so descriptive. Bye, Mark. Tom told Mark that he likes him and will share a beer with him. I want that beer. Tom's a roughneck hottie. Scary but hot. Mark's going back to the Shire. Say hi to Merry and Pippin.

Next - Apparently, they cook for a wedding but don't sleep? And Dale wigs out? And what crazy bride allowed this to happen? Must have been gratis.