Office drama is what we seem to be specializing in lately over here at Unqualified. This concerned reader (concerned for her damn self!) wants to know how to handle an affair that her coworkers are having. I say join in! Nothing alleviates the boredom of a drudgey office position than a threesome! Ok, I really don't advise that. I guess. Keep reading...
Dear J. Harvey,
A work friend told me about an affair she's having with a coworker of ours. Both are married. Naturally, since their affair is all about me, I'm worried about seeing her husband in social settings. I'll chat with him at happy hours, and he'll unwittingly chat with his wife's lover at those happy hours, too. I don't know that it's any of my business, but I feel badly for her husband and wouldn't want to similarly be a chump if the tables were turned. Where do I look and what do I say if the husband wants to make small talk at the next happy hour?
- E.
Dear E.,
Sleep with him! Seriously, if you're this invested in their drama, then insert yourself right into the mix. Is he cute? Does he look like he might have nice pecs under his shirt? Do you think he can push it, push it good, push it real good? This will definitely make it sting less when he finds out that his wife is creepin'. He'll be like "well, I was sleeping around on you, too, bitch!"
And when she confronts you, because she will despite the fact that she sinned first, you can be like "listen, Angie (her name is totally Angie, I can sense it), you've been on your back with another guy for awhile now. What the hell do you care? Your husband needed someone to make him feel attractive, virile, and special. And you weren't doing it! You were too busy doing back handsprings onto Tim's (the other man is named Tim, I'm sure of it) penis! So sit down!"
I kid. Sleeping with the husband would be pretty much psychotic on your part. What you should really do is tell him. Hey, why not. You're concerned. You feel bad for him. You don't like your co-worker's behavior. When you see him at happy hour and you get to talking, just blurt it out:
"Yeah, it's going ok. We had this meeting about interoffice mail that I'm sure Angie told you about and our manager was acting crazy and ANGIE'S F*CKING TIM!"
It's going to be like duct tape ripped off a kidnap victim's mouth. It might pull on his moustache and sting like hell at first, but at least you've set him free now. And if that isn't the creepiest analogy I've ever made, I don't know what is.
Ok, that was a joke, too. My actual advice? STAY. OUT. OF. IT. What do you say to him? Hi and bye and mmm, this margaritas good and how's work going and nice shoes, Harry. And if you aren't an actress, AVOID HIM at happy hour. Because the liquor is flowing and some people can't keep their mouths shut when they've had a few. Jesus, they outlawed happy hour in Boston awhile back so I'm jealous as hell. I really would have enjoyed the corporate world a lot more if we had happy hour.
Seriously, that's it. She banged in someone else's bed, let her lie in it. You DO NOT want to be part of that. That's between the three of them. I understand it being all about you (J. Harvey is as equally self-absorbed) but self-preservation is key. And you do not want to be rolled up on by a destroyed husband or a panicky coworker who just got found out or Tim.
Please continue asking me about your office drama because who doesn't love that by sending e-mails to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I LOVE YOUR LETTERS!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
spaz says:
amen, J...yes, I agree that the writer should stay out of it.
if the cheater is telling people, it's not exactly a secret. she will eventually tell the wrong person and it will get back to her husband or "Tim's" wife.
in my experience, if someone is cheating, and they truly want it to remain COMPLETELY secret, they don't tell anyone. And I mean ANYONE. People who kiss and tell, IMO, subconsciously want to be found out.
An says:
Ditto. I underwent a similar experience. When the cuckolded friend eventually asked my opinion, I spilled the beans and only realized later it wasn't my place - Are you good enough friends to put a hand in? In truth, no one is. In the end, the married couple will or won't work it out and they don't need an extra person putting his/her oar in :)
green cardigan says:
Not only do not tell the husband, but give the big freeze to the coworker who is telling you these details. If she continues to feel the need to confide in you, tell her to leave you out of it and if she persists, threaten to tell yer man's wife, that'll shut her up; THere is no happy ending to a situation like this, and when the shit hits the fan, everyone will get sprayed, you included (sorry to be crude); Jesus, do you need that kind of grief at work ? I can just about deal with the fax and coffee machine; and what's this about happy hour with the coworkers and their spouses ? ALLERGIC ! Don't you see enough of each other between 9 to 5 ?
You should only go on a bender with your coworkers once a year , at Christmas preferably when their is two weeks off work afterwards to get over the shame of your antics !
bSL says:
I wholeheartedly agree with green cardigan. I like to keep my work life@work, and home@home. It's not that I'm in the closet. I just feel its no one's business!
Shame on that shameless married hussy for blasting her office affairs. To walk around with a glow & a spring in your step that no one can identify is one thing; to shamelessy brand yourself the office hoe is another. Isn't the whole point of an affair is for it to be SECRET?
On another subject- Harvey, can we get a follow-up on the boy who was in the closet with a concerned mom and a possible homophobic dad?
Kevin says:
I'm all for sleeping with him.....if he's hot.
Bleecker says:
Great letter, good advice. The sh*tstorm analogy alluded to by another commenter was extremely accurate. In no world would the chumpy husband be like, "Oh, really? Thanks for filling me in, bro!" I mean, if people in offices freak out over protein bar farts and ugly girls with boomin cleavage, imagine the nuclear explosion that would happen in dude's office if he spilled the beans on the affair? My advice would be to tell the husband what Angie is doing to Tim in the lunchroom only after E. moves on to another job.
Krystyn says:
I don't know, I'm with J Harvey, I'd kill for some happy hour around here. Maybe I'd be able to tolerate my coworkers a little better if I knew they had an ounce of fun in them
Otherwise, I agree with everyone else. Yuck to this uncouth coworker hussy and best to stay out of it.
green cardigan says:
I worked in an office once, where time stood still. Actually, there were days when i was sure the clocks were turning backwards. It was so silent there that you could hear someone zip their coat up, on the floor overhead. I was sure the place was bugged too. The bosses knew everything even though no one spoke. If someone laughed out loud, people would look up in shock.
Thankfully there was no Happy Hour. Getting out of there on a Friday evening was like breaking out of jail. I am laughing at the thought of an affair happening in that office. I endured 3 Christmas parties there. I got off my chuck at each one, like everyone else and then come January, it was back to the silence.
I don't know why i brought that up, i just felt like sharing it :)
green cardigan says:
I worked in an office once, where time stood still. Actually, there were days when i was sure the clocks were turning backwards. It was so silent there that you could hear someone zip their coat up, on the floor overhead. I was sure the place was bugged too. The bosses knew everything even though no one spoke. If someone laughed out loud, people would look up in shock.
Thankfully there was no Happy Hour. Getting out of there on a Friday evening was like breaking out of jail. I am laughing at the thought of an affair happening in that office. I endured 3 Christmas parties there. I got off my chuck at each one, like everyone else and then come January, it was back to the silence.
I don't know why i brought that up, i just felt like sharing it :)
G says:
Good advice.
I mix my work and private lives, and it's fine. Partly because I have a basic rule of thumb. If anyone ever hesitates (usually with stuff like this people at least go through the pretense of hesitating) or says something like, "I probably shouldn't tell you this" my response is always the same: Don't tell me. They usually look surprised and try to tell me anyway, but I shut them down. "You weren't sure you should tell me and that means you know it's none of my business." That simple.
Obviously, the cat's out of the bag in this situation. And if you're not sure how to act around the cuckolded party, remember that you don't know what kind of deal the couple has, if he's running around on her, etc. He could be a bigger douche than she is. Who knows? Operate on that assumption and you'll be fine.
T-Bone says:
I'm with Green.
Stay out of it.
Tell your work buddy you don't want to know anything more about the affair, because it makes you feel guilty and gross (insinuating that perhaps SHE should feel guilty and gross).
And keep work happy hours to a minimum. Less trouble that way.
Bunny2 says:
Obviously, the cat's out of the bag in this situation. And if you're not sure how to act around the cuckolded party, remember that you don't know what kind of deal the couple has, if he's running around on her, etc. He could be a bigger douche than she is. Who knows? Operate on that assumption and you'll be fine.
-----
I love that eveyone assumes the woman is a hoe! Not everyone is doing that shit missionary. Different strokes for different folks. Don't like it..get some new friends or more drugs..either works. Quite frankly, the E sounds like a hater head! And again there are two parties cheating here but only the woman is a ho! Get over it. Monogamy is not for everyone and believe it or not some couples know that and are okay with it! Some people are so ridiculously prudish its funny.
Love you JH!
Dirty Whore says:
I say F$%& the husband --- if he's seems like he's hot in bed.
Are you sure ~she~ wasn't indirectly coming onto you?
Better yet, f!@# the other guy and get a promotion!!! woohoo
Sounds like they're all a bunch of whores.
Maybe you just need to get laid and then you wouldn't be so worried about who's buttering who's bread, so to speak.
Helen Skor says:
Better yet - go to HR and tell them that you are having a hard time focusing on your work and are worried that you may be terminated because your performance has dwindled lately. Explain that it's all because you are under a terrible amount of stress because you are faced with an ethical dilemma as the result of Angie's confession to you about her affair with Tim. That way they will both get fired. Then you won't have to deal with the drama anymore. And Angie and Tim will have to explain to their spouses why they were canned.