Previously - Denise called a reporter for People a "c*nt" which was phenomenal. She also sat down with Redbook to "set the record straight" (which is a phrase I'm starting to hate as much as "baby bump"). In the interview, she admitted that she's basically a husband-stealing hooker.
Denise's house. She's getting her ass sprayed again. Denise wants her bulbous buttocks to be harder. She's talking about the millions she's made again. Or is this a flashback? Did you know Denise was in Starship Troopers? It's such a bad movie, but I watched it again On Demand recently and I was shocked to see her in it. You can tell she's a conniving cooze, you can almost feel it through the screen. It's actually hard to tell her apart from the marauding killer space insects. Actually, they're slightly less evil.
More Denise, after the jump!
Denise meets with the puffy anus-mouthed agent Chuck to get a reading on exactly how deep in the toilet her career is. Seriously, those lips can't be natural. But why would someone turn their mouth into one of those banana boat rides from Jaws 3? He asks her if she's hungry and offers a scone, but the expression on his face is sort of evil and I wonder if he's poisoned the food. We're with ya, Chuck!
Anus Mouth tells Denise that Playboy has once again made an offer to pay Denise to show off Bucky Beaver. Hasn't she already done this? She should FLY to the studio and lift her skirt. Seriously, she has nothing else going on besides fighting with people in the tabloids.
So I guess she has. Denise agrees with it. Chuck says that it's not going to hurt her, but does she need it? Ok, so she's done it before! We get a variety of shots of Denise covered in beach sand and nothing else. How come they always make the chicks roll in the sand? Doesn't the sand irritate your labia? Oh, and Denise is also meeting with bigtime producer Joel Silver to blow him for a role, I mean consult about her career. She also got an offer to do the cover of Shape magazine for their Mother's Day issue. That's going to be hot when you go into Borders and look at the cover and in the next rack down is a picture of the same woman with her tits hanging out. LOVE. IT. Anus Mouth lets us know that the difference between the two layouts will be "clothes/no clothes." Thanks, Anus Mouth.
Chuck advises her to meet with Dad Irv. She has the shortest meetings with Anus Mouth. Denise drives home and calls Dad about showing her womanness in Playboy. She says that normally she would have reserved these calls for her Mom. That's kinda sad. Anyway, Dad Irv is all "oh boy" about Denise's impending announcement. So sister Michelle Plain and Tall is home with Irv. Denise calls her "Nellie"? I'm sticking with Michelle Plain and Tall. Denise runs the Playboy idea past her and Michelle Plain and Tall makes a face like someone didn't have the salad dressing she wanted.
Michelle isn't for it, and thinks that it won't help in Denise's image change. Irv says he's going to have to cancel his subcription again. Oh my god, you guys, Irv jacks off. STOP. We get various shots of the zoo Denise has running around on her estate. Thank christ the pig-f*cking subplot appears to be over. But Irv is scooping shit. And why do the cameras linger on animals shitting? I don't need to see that, and no one I know wants to see that except those gross people who laugh at poop jokes. Ugh, I hate poop jokes. Ask my friends.
Denise is going to a red carpet cancer fund raiser, and wants to support all cancer research in her Mom's memory. Her Mom probably would have been the only member of this cast I would have liked. Well, Daddy Irv isn't that bad. She's taking Irv. She wants him to dress up. She insists. Denise's dog drive a tiny car. It's like the circus!
Trish comes over for some camera time. Denise wants advice for her outfit, so she doesn't look like she's boning her pops. Trish says no to Denise doing Playboy again. Denise totally wants to spread for the lens, but all her friends and family are denying her! Trish tells us that Denise needs to improve her image. Helpful Trish is going to prove to Denise that nudity isn't the answer by going online and calling up tons of pics of Denise nekkid. HAH! She just wants some thrillies!
Trish ridicules all of Denise's nudity. She goes on Mr. Skin and does a complete recap over Wild Things, which a lot of straight men are still fixated on. Denise Richards and Neve Campbell make out as Matt Dillon eggs them on. Trish really knows Mr. Skin. Chuck calls to set up the Joel Silver meeting. And tells her to "dress down". Meaning "don't wear your crotchless panties, slut." Is it bad that I actually want her to get a role? How many women is Denise going to introduce as her "best friend." We meet Klassy Kim, who is Denise's best friend. She knows how to swing on a stripper pole, which is totally klassy. She will assist Denise and Trish in finding a conservative outfit for Denise to have on and then rip off when she meets Joel.
I think Klassy Kim is demented. Denise tries on some FUG clothes. Like old lady clothes. Poor Joel Silver. He only wanted a lapdance, he didn't think he'd have to deal with "schoolteacher Denise." What a gyp. Denise takes Irv to a spa. She doesn't believe he's never been. Uh, he's Dad Irv! He's not a fancy lad! Denise tells the poor woman in the fake Asian pajamas that the only massage Irv's ever had was in Vietnam and that was "a different kind of massage." The Asian receptionist shoots her ass the side-eye and I sincerely hope bitch whips out her machete and cuts Denise down like Southeast Asian jungle vines. What a tacky ho Denise is! White people, damn!
We get some footage of Irv getting a massage. He has a thatch of chest hair. Ugh. The boyfriend might even be turned on. He likes that. This crazy bitch rubs what looks like coffee grounds all over Irv's ass, and then rinses him off. Poor Irv. She then gives him the bow. Irv probably liked his handie from Kim Fong Toy in that Hanoi brothel in 1969 much better. Kim Fong Toy! didn't try to baste his old ass in Folger's Crystals!
Michelle Plain and Tall feeds a baby and cracks up at Denise's Joel Silver outfit. Irv LOVES the outfit. Denise jokes that if the outfit doesn't work out, she'll just take it off for Joel. She's no fool. Denise says she's nervous to sit down with Mr. Joel Silver because she's not ovulating right now and can't get pregnant if they bang. She wants some GREAT advice.
Denise is flummoxed to see that Joel has some chick with him so you can read on her face that she's debating whether or not to go for the threesome. It looks like Chuck actually arranged this meeting, so Joel must be like uh, you're here to work. On me. What's with the outfit. Denise says her movie's are on the sexier side and she mentions Starship Troopers which wasn't sexy. It was about spaceships and guns. Ok, that's sexy.
Joel tells her to do a sitcom. Which translates as "you ain't working in any of my movies, sistah." The other chick ranks on Denise's outfit. HAH! That woman, by the way, is dressed like something out of the J. Petersen catalog. I love how she had to go to Joel Silver to be told she needs to stick with television. Denise goes home and says her meeting went really well. Does she have her friends sorting her jewelry? You don't have to work for her, girls! Denise decides against Playboy. Which sucks because I wanted some rolling on the beach footage.
Denise spells out words to Irv in front of her kids, like "whore", "sexy", and "Playboy". You know these are the first things the kids are going to be spelling out in first grade. Denise brings Irv upstairs and talks about her and Michelle Plain and Tall's unibrows. She tells her Dad to imagine his vagina. Anyway, Klassy Kim waxes Irv's face. DENISE IS GOING TO SPRAYTAN HER FATHER. What an asshole Denise is! Irv strips down to his tighty-whities and gets sprayed by some hot chick. Did he lose a bet with Denise or something? The guy is f*cking widower, leave him alone!
The sorta hotsy brother-in-law walks in and ridicules. Heh. Denise gets her Dad a suit and then has a hairdresser and a make-up artist in for "men's grooming." This poor bastard. This is not Irv's scene. But can I get all this done? I think I'm the type who would be up for this. I have to say Irv does look younger. Hollywood is magic! Why is Denise with Evan Handler? That's Charlotte's husband! Charlotte York will break her damn arm! She doesn't f*ck around! Evan Handler looks like he's wicked annoyed that no one's asking about his grooming habits. Settle down, Hairloss.
Why are Denise and Irv playing up their conversation for the cameras? Are they even at the party? Irv says he liked the grooming, and Denise says her Mom would be proud of him. For getting a spray tan? Really? Wow, Mom was shallow. Denise goes to the Shape shoot with her daughters. And cries because it's for Mother's Day. She then gets in a bikini for the cover. Of course she does.
Watch_Kathy_Griffin_Instead_Losers says:
You poor, poor thing. I wouldn't take 30 million to sit and watch - then recap - this bullshizz. Are they strapping you to a chair and holding your eyes open, making you watch demented, self-important prostitutes pretend they have something going for them? Playboy hookers are really deep! They write poetry and have complicated lives!
I LMFAO at the title, like they just HAD to insert "It's Complicated" in case you missed the fact that it is, somehow, somewhere...complicated. Don't blink!