America's Next Top Model: 'Act Like A Model'

The girls go to study with the Groundlings. They have to partake in various improve exercises. Acting frightened and scared and like Janice Dickinson. Who is now an emotion. It’s about time someone coined a term for feeling like you’ve had way too much Valium and you can barely feel him putting it in you and even if he is married, he drives a really nice car and he would probably treat his mistresses very well and god, I hope I put my diaphragm in, what’s that baby, oh that’s my tattoo, its me sitting in a champagne glass with my legs in the air, did you know I was the first supermodel, yeah well FUCK Cheryl Tiegs!

The teacher scolds Jade for talking during Furonda’s bit, and lets her know that it’s not all about her. Which is what her mother, father, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, church folk and assorted strangers on the street should have done WAY before this sorry mess.

People are starting to realize Nnenna isn’t Christ. She’s on the horn a lot with her own personal Swimfan and it’s creating too much drama. Jade is still advising Nnenna to stay with him, to the point where she is giving her words to say. Cyrano de Bergerac or Snakes On A Plane? You decide.

Joanie drunkenly reads Tyra Mail, about not being afraid to “wild out”. The girls have to endure Nick ‘I Only Date White Chicks” Cannon and his two cronies – Nick Look-A-Like and some dumbass eating chicken and thinking he’s funny. Oh god, is there anything worse than an angry person trying to be funny by acting obtuse? Oh wait, that’s what I do. Someone gave Nick a show on MTV and so he feels qualified to lead the girls through assorted improv contests. Nick Cannon is an arrogant fuck. The girls have varying degrees of success with prop comedy. None of them are going to cause Carrot Top any worry.

There’s a rap game, embarrassing for all involved, Jade freestyles to Furonda that her skin is bumpy. “Oh snap” is heard in a couple of UPN-watching living rooms around the country. I can barely register this drama because the freestyle game is so embarrassing for all involved. I think having to freestyle rap on cue is my worst fear. Worse than crocodiles, or being blinded. Furonda wins a role on Veronica Mars, Jade volunteers herself to accompany Furonda but there are not going to be any snakes on Furonda’s plane, thank you. Furonda also gets to choose a friend to costar with her in a PSA about HIV prevention. The chicken guy ranks on Furonda for loudly proclaiming she knows what PSA stands for. She should have given him an open-handed slap in the mouth for that one. Tool.

The PSA is all very sweet, and they do a great job except that Furonda is wearing her Furonda belt buckle. And I’m just going to assume she didn’t realize how that would look. Because I know Furonda is cognizant that bill boarding oneself in an AIDS PSA is a little gauche. Right, Furonda? Furonda?

Jade and Furonda sorta kinda have drama back at the house. They both seem too tired to even hiss over this. It’s all half-hearted, like they know they should be playing this up to the camera but don’t have the energy. It’s all fast-forwardable. Except for when Furonda drops the word “façade” into the conversation. And Jade is all “façade, what?”. Like she’s trying to make it out like Furonda is making up words. Which she isn’t. Read a book, Jade. Snakes On A Plane!

Furonda gets to work with Steve Guttenberg. Enough said about that. Oh, except that the guy who plays Logan on Veronica Mars? Hot.

The girls then have to shoot an improvised Cover Girl ad where they stroll through a party and hawk foundation. Mr. Jay is supervising this and he’s matched the lenses of his sunglasses to his shirt. This only worked once in human history and it was pulled off by Mr. Julian McMahon playing Dr. Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck. Take note, Orangina.

It’s the usual disaster. Sarah gets scolded for carrying a drink while shilling. Do you really want to sell foundation with a drink in your hand, asks Mr. Jay? Well yeah, you wear makeup to look good so you can get fucked. Booze helps in that equation as well. Duh. Sarah says that she realizes that booze doesn’t fit into the image of a Cover Girl. Since when? Booze is anathema but cocaine is just fine? Double standard much?

Some of the commercials are unintentionally hilarious. Firstly, there’s this weird extra lady in a pink yarn beret and white LA Gear looking high tops, dancing around like she’s in a Was Not Was video. Wardrobe mistress who won a walk-on? Joanie is SHITFACED, and talking to herself through her ad. LOVE IT. She’s my new favorite, especially since…well that would be telling. Mr. Jay tells Leslie she sounds like she’s selling pharmaceuticals. He’d know. Mr. Jay needs to realize that, as my friend Jeff says, crystal meth is a dirty drug for dirty people. Mollie panics and sorta intimidates the camera. And cries about it later. And this breaks my heart because she’s so rad, and…well, that would be telling.

Brooke sucks. The other girls are starting to be openly hostile towards Our Lady Nnenna. She’s just too earnest and perky for them. Jade completely fumbles the whole thing by putting on this weird Norma Desmond trannie theatre thing. Even Mr. Jay gets points for gleefully whispering to the audience – “she’s a drag queen…!” while crouching under the camera onset. Snakes In Drag On A Plane.

It’s time for the judging. Tyra looks severe in a green silk bow and passes out again. Nigel Barker immediately crawls on top of her to copulate with her corpse but she pushes him off her. Pig.

The girls file past. Brooke is wrestling with her shyness and stage fright. Twiggy tells us how she was shy when she started but now that her boobs are burnt leather, she’s over it. Danielle is told she needs to lose her country accent, or she’ll never be a teen model.

They show Joanie’s drunken ass again. God, Joanie is so boss. Ever since that photo of her with the martini last episode, I’ve been in love. I want to see that snaggle-tooth up close.

Nigel Barker loves Leslie. Leslie better buy herself some Mace. Tyra and Nigel agree that they haven’t seen that model character in this room until now. Leslie does look bad in that commercial, hips all swingy.

Jade’s split seams are showing, as she mutters to herself during the judging. Burgeoning psychosis. She protests that they didn’t use her other take, which was better. You KNOW the judges loved that shit.

Conference time. Girls file out. Tyra is done with Jade. Tyra notes the drag queen resemblance. The guest judge director guy doesn’t think any of Jade’s takes were any good. ”She don’t think that,” declares Tyra. Tyra, you’re going to need to work on that accent if you’re ever going to be a teen model.

Nigel feels that Sarah is a dwarf in a giant body. What? Furonda, Nigel states, has no bust and is too super skinny. He so wants to do her. It’s way too obvious. Ms. Jay thinks that Brooke still looks like a trout but he loves her. And Tool Nigel actually pulls off a funny when he opines that if this were America’s Next Top Trout, she’d be a keeper.

Then Tyra stands, hoist upon her own petard, softly chastising the girls for thinking that doing a commercial was eeeeezzzzzyyyyy.

And it’s down to Mollie Sue and Jade and you know they’re not letting Snakes On A Plane go at this juncture so glam slam Mollie Sue gets the pink slip. Damn! FUCK! Are you kidding me? Mollie, honey, I’m just as confused as you. You keep making your funny faces and farting. That’s more then enough personality for me. She should fuck them all up by starting over in London as a model. She would be huge. GOD, IM SO PISSED THEY AXED HER! At least Tyra instructs Jade that she needs to start listening seeing as she is a wannabee model who never made it. Amen. Still, watch out. Snake On A Plane, ya’ll.

Next – Twirling, Jade goes video hoochie, and Brooke attacks the cameraman while wearing her ninth grade gym outfit.

Written By J. Harvey