Remedial and Intermediate Bullsh*t

Keith Michael expects to win in the end. Alison Kelly is luminous, and expects the exposure from Runway to boost her career. Uli Herzner hails from Germany by way of Miami (that's gotta be a culture shock), and Bonnie Domiguez has been designing for Serena Williams. Katherine Gerdes is a really light sleeper, so Uli and Bonnie better not snore or she'll get Malan to kill them.

The gang gathers on the roof for a celebratory toast with Heidi and Tim, and Jesus, she's beautiful and wearing a ship on her midriff. Booze flows, season 3 of Project Runway, ya'll! Vince, who seems like a nice guy, tells us how his last go round in fashion led him to "near death." Did he have to work with Naomi? He has cashed in his 401K to be here, and it will drive him to be the best designer. Methinks we're going to be hearing about this 401K transaction a lot in the near future. Cutesy Robert worked with Issac Mizrahi for awhile, and said it was the best and worst experience of his life, and that there were times when he wanted to drive a steak through Issac's heart. Issac Mizrahi: loud Jewish vampire. Since then Robert's been dressing Barbie like a "drag queen," talking about her like she's really alive, and perfecting his flamboyance.

Stacey went to Stanford and got her MBA at Harvard. She started a couple of companies, one being a dot com. But her passion was fashion. Oh oh, Heidi has an announcement.

Their first challenge? To use materials found in their apartments at the Atlas! While everyone is gasping and yelling, I notice Kayne is wearing my boyfriend's "I'm Really Excited To Be Here" t-shirt from Target! My boyfriend, a Mac geek who loves animals and orchestral music and balks at even wearing pants sometimes, is fashion forward! HAH! It's wall-to-wall fashion, and curtains, bed sheets; wall coverings, etc are to be used to design an outfit. Here's where we see who has a good attitude and who doesn't. Two beautiful girls, Angela and Alison. Angela is acting stank and is like, "You want us to rip up our apartment?" Darlin', it's not YOURS. Alison is all petite and beautiful, and really excited because that was something she's wanted to do since she was a kid. Survey says Alison is out of here, and Angela stays for the long haul because she's abrasive, and we know these producers will manipulate events to keep a bitch around so we keep tuning in. Check the credits if you don't believe me.

As Tim explains the method in which the designers will be acquiring their materials to create an outfit that expresses who they are as designers, I am increasingly distracted by Jeffrey's neck tattoo. It's elaborate, and swoopy, and punk-rocky, and a little grotesque and goddamn, that had to hurt. It's all I'm going to see whenever he talks, unless he has something really outrageous to say like, "If she starts yapping at the jib, put her in her place." The designer who touches materials first gets to keep them. Malan pipes up and lets us know that he is "irritated" with the materials he has to use because he "prefers better quality fabrics." Oh lordy, here we go. This guy is one to watch, because (in the immortal words of John Hughes) he's a brownie hound. After only a couple of minutes, he and Angela are already in the running for Season 3's Biggest Twat.

They have 15 minutes to shove whatever they can acquire into a laundry bag. Malan compared the rush to "cattle trying to get to a feeder." I can already sense the impending Malan imitations that will be forthcoming from my gay crew. Keith Michael tears the shit up because he knew everything that was in the apartment. Wow, I guess his sty went down. This challenge is hot because people are destroying their living quarters, and no one has to get booted off because they didn't want to use Nana's scarf from three generations ago (remember that designer?). Laura goes for the fur and sparkles. Smart lady. Stacey stuffs her bag full of shit so that the others can't have it. Well, isn't she a slithery snake in the grass? This is what Harvard teaches you. That is when the underclassmen aren't screaming "urchin alert" if a homeless person wanders into their dorm from Harvard Square. True story. Assholes.

Bradley finds Robert's pillow and claims it as his own, and seemingly keeps claiming it as his own even after being clued in. I don't think Robert's getting that back because I don't think I would cross Bradley. He looks like he might drink battery acid and smack his lips afterwards. Malan is still "irritated" because he's seeing how inappropriate people act. It's Project Runway, you're lucky the challenge wasn't to use each other's skin to create an outfit! Robert thinks people need to do some serious editing with the materials they grabbed because a hanging plant might not make it into your design "with good reason," and his eyes drop down and he grits his teeth doing that "I'm gay and just said something catty that you didn't want to hear" thing. Tim! They have until 1 AM to finish their look. Their model's measurements are on their worktable. And this is an immunity challenge!

Angela, despite being potentially Twat of Season 3, is gorgeous and had the good sense to grab the leather chaise lounge covering. I'm excited to see what she can do. Kayne is used to dealing with chiffon (I bet), and a rubber doormat is a whole new challenge. My boyfriend knows you've got his t-shirt on, Kayne! Why are you jacking his Target swagger? That's jank! Can't Snow Black be a model? She's too big for this. Keith has never designed a dress, and only designs menswear. This is the same excuse the Jeffrey Dahmer-looking guy had last season. Oh, and he has the "best taste here."

Ok, so Harvard Stacey? Designing for three years and doesn't know how to use industrial sewing machines. Oh oh. She looks panicky. I would be too; you're heading for an "Auf Wiederhsen." Keith gives her tips, but then cuts her ass up in his one-on-one. She decides to hand sew. Tim comes in for his initial consultation. He doesn't like the pockets on Vince's creation. Jeffrey thinks Vince is sad and "obviously nuts." Vince wants to use a basket as a hat; Tim says it's not enough on its own, so he adds a length of chain. Ok, Jeffrey might have a point.

Tim is quiet on Stacey's dress, and increasing her panic threefold. Keith's dress is made completely from a bed sheet, and Tim points out that it wasn't much of a challenge. Keith's response to us is that he knows who the judges are, and doesn't particularly respect their styles. HAH! Tim wants him to at least incorporate what looks like a welcome mat. Jeffrey says the other designers are producing "remedial, intermediate bullshit." HAH! Is that a contradiction in terms? At least I'm finally distracted from the gross tattoo. What a collection we have this season! I'm squealing in delight at the arrogance! Robert thinks Jeffrey's garment is Jeffrey trying to do "too much."

The night winds to a close, and the designers get back to the Atlas, and their apartments are still trashed. Now that's cold. The next day, no one has slept worth a damn. Jeffrey's got a kickass Iron Maiden fatigue jacket. Four hours 'til show. Laura's creation has this great jacket with a big ass fluffy collar. Malan tells her it reminds him of "Clara Bow." Oh shut up, Malan. Michael ("Muthafuckin' Fashion Star") is making his dress out of coffee filters! Hot! Kayne says that it looks like it smells of Febreeze. Tim Gunn comes in for corporate shill time, as the designers are urged to use the L'Oreal Paris/TRESemme/Macy's room/product/accessory whatever. The models enter and are dressed. Stacy, subconsciously still trying to create outfits that show as much wooka as possible, realizes she needs to construct some panties for her model to wear over her first set of panties so she's not scandalizing the runway with triangular mystery flash. And Vince. Oh, Vince. He has the model wear the basket hat with chains hanging off it and sunglasses. To the model's credit, she keeps a straight face, and doesn't ask for another designer because he's making her look like she's off her meds. Vince might just be actually a little off....because he really really digs the hat. Then he gets the inspired notion to add some salmon-colored rubber to it. Yeah. Uli wants to clue him in on how it really looks, but he just seems so proud of it. Oh God, I can picture Nina now. During the hair and makeup portion, the model looks like the hat is irking her finally. Maybe she'll do him a favor and refuse to wear it.

During the commercial we get a "Nina Garcia, Tough Chic" commercial! YAY! "I love a good fight," she says. Heidi has been good at recognizing that she's building a cast of characters with this venture, and really has been sharing the spotlight this time around. Now give Mikey Kors a commercial. "She looks like a goddamn whack-a-doo stewardess!" Only on Bravo.

I've got a potentially big problem with the show this year, because they just had a commercial asking us to vote for which designer should get booted off out of Jeffrey, Stacey, and Vince by texting. If these three are the final three, that means they spoiled some of it for us, and I HATE that shit. Will this be an ongoing thing? Grrrrr.

Anyway, it's showtime, and Kate Spade is the guest judge, and wow, production values are on the rise! Robert gives this little happy sneer that Kate is there, and you know he has a Kate Spade bag somewhere in his possession. Are you ready? I'll leave the fashion critique to our beloved fashion writer here at socialitelife.celebuzz.com, but here's what I thought was cool and what I thought was sad.

Laura, who I like more and more every time she's on camera because she just seems confident without being a cock, had her model rocking that fur-collared coat with sparkly chandelier bits. Bradley had his model wearing his feather-down comforter and probably Robert's pillow. Heh. Keith Michael covered up the fact that his dress was kinda simple by weighing his model down with what looked like every bangle, bead, and bauble the Macy's accessory wall could offer. Angela's creation involved the leather covering used as a skirt, and for some reason flowers sticking out of the model's back. Huh? Kayne had a dress using rubber mats. Malan's used some rugs to make this bulky top, and he's not arrogant enough to stop himself from nervously eyeing Nina and wondering what she might be writing about his design. Bonnie had this 1950's prom dress-looking thing made from a duvet. Her model was small-breasted, and the top of the dress was wide-open and jutting out. They are gonna tear her apart for that. Kors is a breast man, he always notices that shit. Katherine's model wore blue plastic bags and a cape and hood made out of her comforter. Eh. The model's pretty. Michael's model rocks the coffee filters. Then we get the hat. Kors' eyes narrow into slits as in "What the fuck has she got on her head?" Vince, Vince, Vince. Alison's was...white. It was boring. It will probably win because she's really pretty. Stacey's dress actually made it out there, and it looks too big for the model. Stacey is beaming, so you know someone is going to dash her hopes, and she'll be clicking that light off over her worktable at the end. Robert's dress has some bows. That's about it. Would Barbie wear it? I think maybe his pillow was his inspiration touchstone, and now he's lost without it. Uli's dress is kinda hot, with some nice yellow and beads. It was made for a tall chick that doesn't take shit from anyone to wear.

My favorite moment occurred when Jeffrey's model rolled up and threw feathers in the air for effect, and we cut to Nina Garcia, who flashes a look that translates as "Did that bitch just throw feathers on my runway?" Theatrics are anathema to Ms. Garcia. Jeffrey is waxing all arrogant about how he expects to win, and I guess his creation is ok. There are a lot of layers and an awkward coat. He's wearing his pink Elvis rhinestone shades, and nodding at how great he is. He might have to go.

We're down to Stacey, Robert, Laura, Jeffrey, Vince, and Keith. Laura's dress gets props even though it's a little noisy with the chandelier fixins'. Vince was asked to remove the hat. Heh. The hat threw Kate Spade off. Nina asks if he felt the hat was innovative. Michael Kors: "With the hat, you're wandering how many drinks did she have?" Vince starts backpedaling on the hat, and it's all downhill from there. Heidi advises that sometimes less is more, and Vince says, "Perhaps you're right." Perhaps? Bitch, she runs the show - watch your ass! Keith inexplicably gains the judges' favor, and spins a tale of Gone with the Wind and Carol Burnett. Michael Kors gets a rod from the Carol Burnett mention, so he's now in Keith's pocket. Nina and Heidi are wondering who Carol Burnett is, and does she make shoes?

Stacey's told her idea was good, but her execution was messy and unflattering on top. Robert's dress is charming. Jeffrey's feathers did not win raves; I translated Nina's look correctly.

During the judging, Robert and Keith and Laura are looking good. Vince's "crazy basket," Stacey's "grandma's panties/big boy shorts," and Jeffrey's uneven lengths are not. The home audience would have nixed the basket. Thanks for the spoiler, Bravo.

Keith wins it, and wins immunity. I know nothing, because I thought the dress was boring, which is why we have a fashion writer here at socialitelife.celebuzz.com, and I write the dick jokes. Vincent's basket makes the cut. Holy shite, go Vincent! Stacey's out. Awwww. Goodbye, and take your four C's with you! Stacey stands by her design, and Tim tells her to clean up her space.

Next week - we got a montage of the entire season, the highlight being Laura calling Keith a "shithead." Which judging by future Keith footage, is accurate.

Coming later today, the "Project Runway" fashion review recap.