Project Runway: The Nightmare of My Life

Back in the workroom, Miss USA reveals herself to be no shrinking violet. Tim has her explain to the designers what she wants in her gown. It's about a twenty-item list, and the only thing missing is a jet pack. To be fair, she has to wear whatever rag these guys come up with, so I'd have an itemized list in mind as well. She wants to be "elongated." She wants "earth tones." "Stay away from white." She wants her back to show. She wants Keith Michael to stop staring at her and licking his lips like a starving fox with rabies.

Tim lets them know they're working in teams of two, which is when we hear that Project Runway death knell sound effect. This is the exact point where Angela becomes Slightly Justified Twat of Season 3. She up-front acknowledges that she can't make evening gowns, and needs a partner who can. The designers sketch to pitch gowns to Tara. She will pick seven to be "team leaders."

We learn this episode that punk rock Jeffrey has this weird behavior going where he A) complains about everything and B) name checks people, places and things that were in the news or popular ten years ago. He lets us know that he equates pageants with "Jean-Benet Ramsey," and that he "doesn't know that world." So dress Miss USA in a Germs t-shirt and be done with it, Whiney.

Angela tries whoring herself to Kayne to get on his team. Barking/wrong tree. Her desperation is palpable as everyone watches her whispering to Kayne with amused disgust. Kayne is trying to ignore her ass, and even goes all Clarissa Explains It all by breaking the fourth wall and letting the camera know that she's getting on his nerves.

Pitches. Keith Michael is such a pervy tool. He takes the opportunity to display for Miss USA how "fitted" her dress should be by cupping her breasts. Hiss. Get the fuck off me, Capt. Gross. Then tells her he wants to see her legs because they're gorgeous under the guise of designing a dress for her, but what he really means is through a pair of high-powered binoculars on the fire escape of the building across from hers with his pants off. And our other twat Angela walks in with a blank sketchpad, and tell Miss USA that she will be asking her questions because she "doesn't sketch"? Isn't it a little early for this sort of behavior? What do you mean you don't sketch? Friggin' draw a stick figure with some wavy lines that represent a dress and bullshit your way through it! Miss USA is like, who IS this? This little segment ends with Miss USA rolling her eyes at this lame-ass, and should have ended with Angela being asked to leave. But remember, the producers have a say in all of this and she's good TV. To them.

Teams leaders are chosen. I'll clue you in as we go on, but most importantly - Vinnie is with Angela and tiny Katherine is with Malon. Oh, and Kayne does not pick Angela. HAH! Eat it, nerd! Designers are told that teamwork is one of the aspects of the challenge that will be considered in the judging. Right, because I'm sure Nina Garcia knows all about how to work together with people.

Get to work, people. Vinnie and Angela are a marriage made in hell. The editing makes things a little cloudy here. Vinnie appears to not let Angela help out at all with the design, so she really does nothing at all except offer to help and make bitchy comments. But Vinnie implies that Angela was negative about the design from the get-go, and he couldn't work with that. It's ugly all around.

Designers are off to Mood to select fabrics. Claws start to pop out. Jeffrey thinks Kayne's choice of not going with earth tones as requested by Miss USA is wrong. Can Jeffrey mind his own damn business, and keep his eyes on his own paper? Jesus, for a punk rock superstar, he's kind of a whiny bitch. Angela and Vinnie's partnership of doom is started off on the wrong foot when she gets nervous over their time in Mood, and keeps harping that they have "14 minutes" left, which drives Vinnie up the wall. I do think Vinnie might have had some personal problems with stress in the past, and the last thing he needs is Poufy Skirt harping on him about what time it is and how she doesn't share his vision. At least he can sketch!

Malon tells us a sad story about when he was 13 and a child in New Jersey, I mean Taiwan, and he approached his mother with some sketches he had done of gowns, and she freaked and threw them on the floor and it was all homophobia and now Project Runway is how he's going to show HER! Foreshadowing the size of a medium-sized billboard! And if he wanted to show her so badly, why did he turn Runway down last season?

I'm really worried about Bradley. He does this really racist Asian imitation and can't drink water properly. Even Keith Michael looks concerned, and that lizard is concerned about no one. Over in the dark corner of the workroom, Vincent is making Angela step three feet away from him (heh), and she is contesting this. It's getting UGLY.

Tim does his rounds. Kayne and partner Barbie King Robert are dressed like they're off to Splash the second the bell rings. Tim is "disappointed" by Vinnie's design, and Angela couldn't look any smugger if she had a Cheshire cat on top of her head licking cream off its paws. I don't know what that means exactly. She bluntly states that she wouldn't want her name attached to this dress. Vinnie is mildly disappointed that Angela turned her back on him, but "that's the type of person she is." In her defense, you did file a restraining order against her. Tim thinks Katherine and Malon's dress looks like it was "carved out of a log." Timber!

In the break room, we get a battle of the Twats as Keith Michael inserts himself into Angela's misery. He asks her whether her and Vinnie get along, she lies, and he totally calls her on it. There are some catty-ass bitches this season in each other's business! Katherine has turned on Malon, and lets him know that he is going to have to defend his choices concerning his log dress.

Back at the Atlas that night, the men have a powwow about Angela. Vinnie complains about how Angela will backstab him. And I have to say, Vinnie was a little on the abusive side towards her, so I can't really side with him totally. The men, however, aren't in love with Angie. Keith Michael thinks she's "transparent as a f*cking glass window" (he should write this column), and Jeffrey decides to pop out of the shower and say "one word for you - feminazi." What? First off, get your gnarly ass back in the shower, Jeff. Secondly, what year is this?

The big day. Malon and Katherine discover their log is too short. Vinnie and Angela have an argument over what time it is, and he accuses her of not helping him with designing the gown. Which he then acknowledges he said out of anger, because that's some wacky delusional bullshit right there.

Runway. Vera Wang, looking like the frumpiest wedding gown designer ever, is present. Where is Michael Kors? Where is that round whack-a-doo? He better be coming back! The models walk. Nina slashes at her cards with her Sharpie like Jack the Ripper slashed at Victorian-era prosties. We're down to Uli/Bonnie, Malon/Katherine, Kayne/Robert, and our favorite dysfunctional couple, Vinnie/Angela. Nina wants to know what happened with Katherine and Malon's design. The length is all wrong and the bottom hem is raggedy. Katherine is asked who should go, and she immediately deep-sixes Mr. Breton. Then he deep-sixes himself when asked.

The judges go over Vinnie's dress. Angela lets them know that she thinks the dress sucks. It turns out that Angela took a wrong turn, because the judges like the dress. HAH! Angela also uses the word "designery," which would piss anyone off. Vinnie says Angela should go, and that she was the "nightmare of my life." Double HAH! Awesome shot of Heidi looking like, "Christ, where do we find these freaks?"

During the judging, we learn that Miss USA wears sweatpants. Vera Wang, whilst fumbling her cards, says that Vinnie and Angela's teamwork was "terrible." Nina Garcia feels that the bottom of Katherine and Malon's dress was "horrible," and she says it in a way that you would if someone had a miscarriage or you found out your accountant took off with your money.

Kayne wins. And that's awesome for him and his business, because now he has designed for Miss USA, which I guess is a good thing.

We're down to Malon and Angela. The judges sided with Vinnie. Malon is out. They kept the bitch because she's good TV. Malon weeps. A lot. He's crying everywhere, and talking like you would if you were an ageing queen at some dark café somewhere. Smoking a cigarette and relaying the story of his life. Bonnie and Katherine both cry! And it gets even MORE dramatic. He's "ashamed," and he hates saying goodbye to people because he's had to "say goodbye to people all my life." My god, it's Project Runway and the majority of these people are assholes. Don't forget it, son. He is such an actress. I love the shot of him admiring his log at the end, wondering wistfully whatever could have gone wrong? It's a log!

Next week - Keith Michael and Laura face off, it's Bradley's birthday, and Keith Michael has met his match in Nina Garcia. Someone's yapping off at the jib!