Written By J. Harvey
Previously - Janice and Ham got physical, and Jan turned her girls into hookers for the benefit of Interscope Records.
It's two-fer as we're graced with new Janice TWICE on Tuesday night. It's like manna from Heaven!
In episode the second, Jan relives the Frederick's of Hollywood/Ham-fisting incident. Frederick's left because there was a shortage of trashy lingerie types. Was he a sighted person? Jan voice-overs that it "can NOT happen again". The whole gang meets to discuss the fact that their models can't walk, pose, or speak. Basically, they should be on drips and getting PT to prevent bedsores. Time for some fresh meat. Dreadlocked Kodi, the booking guy, hops to it - while Jan and Hamm act quick to prevent bankruptcy.
Jan recruits Mathu Anderson to shoot the models in the hope that it will draw new clients. Mathu is pronounced "Matthew" and that "u" is really fucking annoying, isn't it? Mathu has shot Nicole Richie, Nikki Hilton and Jan. So basically he takes photographs of people who are famous without the burden of talent. These photos are supposed to demonstrate their "range" to clients. Heh. Good luck. I'm sure we'll all see the subtle differences of each girl's vacant stare.
A rouge-wearing Gabe lets us know that Mathu gets to the "core" of each model, and brings out who that girl really is. So we get sluts, girls with no eyebrows and confused foreign people. I think I'm a girl with no eyebrows who secretly wants to be a slut. That's my core. Crystal Truehart gets the hair chop, and an eyebrow shave/bleach. It's a two-fer for EVERYONE tonight! To MathU's credit, he makes the girls look pretty hot. He gets some couture in there, and some make-up. Add some good lighting and they sorta go from being reality TV "models" to actual ones. God, I can't believe I'm complimenting anything to do with this show. What's wrong with me?
Stina rides a log for Mathu, and Petra experiences feather and balloons. MathU isn't feeling Petra's efforts and degrades her ass by telling her that her "look" is "Eastern Bloc ho". Petra did not come from waiting in line for bologna in her native country for this. Showgirl-spawned Britney is covered in branches and everyone adores her flaming red hair and ivory skin. Her showgirl mom thinks it's amazing and like something you would see in a "French Vogue" magazine.
More of J. Harvey's The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency Recap, after the jump.
So get this - The Ham's favorite model Fargo rats on Britney. Apparently, Britney and Showgirl Mom want to beat feet to the next available agency. Because, in Fargo's words, they "can do better". Yeah, no shit. You've signed on with a modeling agency that's located in a mall and the woman running it is a psychotic Vicodin-gobbling fishwife. Run for the hills. Anyway, Fargo also reveals that Britney and her glittery Mom plan to force Janice to give them what they want or they will exit immediately. I love how during this discussion, Janice puts on this whole "I'm going to be quiet and calm and ask Fargo to tell me 'precisely' what Britney's Mom said because I am in danger of losing my business". This is a performance, because the Jan I know would be on that cell in about two seconds. The first call would be to tell Britney and her Mom that she knows what hotel they're staying in and so does the man she hired to kill them, and the second would be to her drug dealer because she is definitely going to need some ketamine to get through this ordeal.
Elizabeth Berkley 1968 and her daughter Britney show up and have a pow-wow with Jan. Things deteriorate quickly as Jan tells Showgirl she's a backstabber and Britney's eyes well with crystal drops of sadness. Imagine being caught between those two hyenas? It ends quickly with Showgirl realizing that Janice will have her killed, and staying. Showgirl gets her balls back outside and camera-stage-moms that she still intends to have a "back-up plan" if Janice drops Britney. There was talk of Britney signing with "LA Models". I don't know about you, but even if they are a real organization, I think they sound very "take your top off, Coco, you want to be a star, right?"
Jan's got a shoot in Puerto Rico so she decides to get some bonding time in with kids at Universal Studios. Nate's got the curly hair going and the tight t-shirt, and I checked - he's legal. Savvy's present, and carries with her an aura of dignity and goodness. She doesn't want to go on Jurassic Park: The Ride, though. It's hilarious because we watch Nate devolve from 18 year old to 12-year-old asshole older brother when he browbeats his little sister for not wanting to potentially die via animatronic dinosaurs.
Janice's shoot in Puerto Rico is a howl. If only we all could look that scary hot in a white bikini with big bug eye sunglasses. It's for the cover of ESCAPE magazine. Heard of it? She is shot by the "most famous photographer in all of San Juan". I am the most famous photographer in all of Somerville, Massachusetts. She poses topless, cupping her breasts but the fact that her jaw line makes her look like something out of The Dark Crystal takes away from the sexy.
There's another open call. Things don't look good. Gabe refers to the open call as "America: The Not So Beautiful". He shouldn't be writing this column. Someone named Tiana Weaver tells us that we will see her face again after she is turned down a second time. Hopefully on a milk carton. Gabe gets down and dirty and tells us that it's such a long day because you have to look at "one messy, disgusting human being after another". And that's just the staff. Seriously, maybe Gabe SHOULD write this column - he's way meaner than I am.
Kodi and Jan butt heads over the quality of the casting call denizens. Kodi tells one girl she's too tall and she channels herself some Gary Coleman. Jan confesses that she kinda feels bad, and asks, "What makes me Pope?" Wow. I have nothing snarky to say about that. Maybe Gabe needs to question himself as well. The call is a flat-out mess and yields nothing.
The models see their Mathu Anderson pics. Stina is told she isn't coming through in her pictures, and I feel like I'm re-capping ANTM again and being told conflicting advice. Because then Janice tells Petra her blank-ass photo was great. What? Crystal looks like Mia Farrow by way of Shirley Manson. I'm turned on. Britney got scary-dressed up to view hers, then I realize that this was taking place post-badger Virgin Records fashion show. Showgirl mom cries, probably because she realized it was between this and "come on, Mom, it's not weird, mothers and daughters should always be photographed nude and spread-eagled together.." over at LA Models. And the denouement? Janice realizes that she needs to dump some useless model baggage.
Next - Janice passes out the pink slips, and this could be the very last episode of JDMA. Try and hold back the tears.
(The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency can be seen Tuesday nights at 10:30/9:30 CT)
Leave a comment