Flavor of Love: 'Weak Ass Ass Bitch'

New York is all skinny with a big melon, and some horsehair on her head. She's a fright. Bootz gets all brave and immediately starts tangling with her. This is not Krazy, Bootz. Krazy is actually a dumb bitch that is frightened of your spitfire ass. New York will hit you with a chair and then stand on your neck while cackling wildly. Watch your ass, baby. Bootz and New York exchange insults but I'm more amused by Deelishis camera-hypocriting (dude, it's a made-up word so chill) that she can't believe anything but that New York is here to be on TV. What? Those who live in glass crackhouses shouldn't throw stones, Deelish.

Meanwhile, Krazy's looking for her ghetto Oscar as she feigns nausea over the fact that Beautuful has a cold sore so she probably has passed it on to all of them via Flav's dirty mouth. I still think Beautuful is on the wrong show as she's quiet and seems halfway normal. Did she lose a bet or something? Then again, the mouth sore probably indicates herpes so maybe all her old boyfriends exiled her ass or something.

New York camera-trollops that she has to show Flav that she's grateful to have been asked back. So she's going to spend some alone time with Flav tonight. She creeps into his room, and Flav looks less than amused with her showing up. He should have put a chair in front of the door and told her that he'd throw rocks at her head if she dared to enter. Seriously, the only way a lunatic like her is going to get the hint is with a rock to the head and some bludgeoning.

Deelishis feels "betrayed" by New York being in the house. Her and her gigantic ass and some of the girls do some recon to see exactly what orifices of New York's Flav could be using. We are treated to some vomit-worthy footage of New York and Flav making out in bed. I need to scrub myself with a wire brush and some lye to feel clean again.

The next morning, New York puts her weave up in a wrap, smokes some cigarettes and puts on her face. It's like watching a hooker get dolled up for work that night. Ok, it IS watching a hooker getting dolled up for work. Who am I kidding?

Flavorgram! It smells like New York's FDS spray! Urb magazine (Urb? Herb? Huh? Whatever.) wants to shoot the girls as part of a story on Flav. I wish that was literal. The girls get ready, as New York yells at them for dawdling. She calls them "bitches", and then camera-crazies with some hair tossing that "she's back". So apparently her calling card is to call women "bitches"? Like that's how we know she's back? Batman has his bat signal, and New York will call you a "bitch"? She needs some new ideas. That's not very original. Maybe she should slash an "N" on someone's chest with a sword.

So the girls get their asses downstairs, sans Bootz. New York is yelling shit upstairs at her, and she's smirking and she comes down and New York camera-potkettleblacks that Bootz looks like a "video ho", and that she's "hip-hop trash". Bootz feels that she already has "one f*cking momma" and New York is not her. I know my mother loves when I use "f*cking" as an adjective to describe her. She can't get enough of that.

New York goes down the line, sizing the women up. She has already told Bootz that she's out of the competition for insubordination. New York feels that Nibblz is dirty, nasty and "gutterbutt". Ouch. She tells Buckwild that she looks like a "fairy princess" that resides over "hell". That's a hot look. Buckwild feels that New York is a "Hollywood hooker" and an "ugly girl" that shouldn't be passing judgment on them. I think Buck wants to go back to Rancho Cucamonga.

New York wants an apology from Bootz, who isn't forthcoming with one. I feel my brain leaking out of my ears from all this stupidity and I think this show has given me a rash. VH-1 Quote of the decade - New York telling us that she never apologizes because she "never makes mistakes". And she says this while stuttering and blinking her eyes like she just took a really big bump of coke off her closest girlfriend's titties. There are so many mistakes here that I can't even begin.

The girls are sent back for a costume change and New York gets Bootz to apologize. There is blood drooling down Bootz's face from biting her tongue so hard. I actually feel for her. New York, by the way, has a full-on cocktail in her hand and I'm guessing it's 10:30 AM. That's attractive. New York tells Buckwild to lose the "trailer-park" part in her hair. Buckwild feels that New York has no right to criticize people's hair care as she looks like she has "shit about to crawl out of" hers. Word.

On the way to the photo shoot, Deelishis and New York bookend Flav. It's like Flav's caught between two homicidal trannies. Watch out. Flav feels that the vibe in the limo is hatred of New York vs. New York is here to protect him. It's freaking him out. I think it's actually that bottle of Robitussin he chugged before he left. It's what all the kids are using to get f*cked up on nowadays. Flav talks about how he's trying to figure out how he could work Nibblz into his family, seeing as she's an Internet stripper. Uh, I'm thinking his family isn't that squeaky-clean what with the crack addiction and parade of reality TV sluts. So what's the problem?

Photo shoot. It's like a scene from "To Wong Foo". It's trannie-licious. New York tells Deelishis what we've all wanted to secretly tell her - she looks like a "man". Ouch. New York keeps insulting all of them during the shoot. It's wearing on Buckwild, and I pray pray pray that she clotheslines her. Flav gets shot (not literally, though I'm sure he has been), and in the meantime New York pisses (surprisingly not literally) all over the ladies. And she's getting drunker, too. And I'm thinking she's not one of those pleasant "it's your night, bro!" drunks. I'm guessing she's more the "either you let me in this muthaf*cking car right now, or I will stab your muthaf*cking dog to death and wear it as a wrap!" type drunks. New York lets loose on Buckwild's ghetto status. There's a discussion about what "ignorant" means and Buckwild lets loose with the NEW VH-1 quote of the decade:

"New York's ghetto ass tried to call me ignorant and I'm like 'well if I'm so damn uneducated than how the hell do I know that they both mean the same stupid thing, you dumb bitch'?"

That one makes me cry. I want it as my ringtone. Flav chides New York for being mean to Buckwild, and she bursts into tears and screams and runs out and everyone is delighted. This girl is the craziest of them all. She wins the Crazy award. I hope Flav has a Rocawear straightjacket handy. Flav chases her outside and there's some more mouthrape. Shield your eyes.

New York comes back in. And Krazy stupidly asks her if she's in control of the next elimination and New York tears her fool head off. I believe New York directs her to "shut the f*ck up with your weak ass ass bitch" which I think qualifies as a double "ass" negative. Krazy happens to be one of the prettier girls in the house which means she probably hasn't been menaced much in her lifetime by crazy hoodrats so she's shit out of luck right now as New York stalks over and starts laying into her. And the other girls are loving it because Krazy isn't a favorite what with her real hair and not knowing any Flava Flav songs. Bootz does the Bootz booty dance while New York screams and shrieks and actually finger flicks Krazy in the head. How Krazy doesn't lunge, I have no idea.. Flav breaks it up after New York spills Krazy out of her chair and it's ALMOST goes there. Flav reveals that New York is not in charge of the next elimination, but is there to help him and give her opinion. I think New York is f*cked up drunk. Krazy was then asked to do a shoot alone with Flav. The other girls are drinking Haterade over it.

Josh, the editor of Urb (Herb? What?) magazine interviews the ladies while Flav takes off with New York. Josh must be thrilled to be living this glamorous, glitzy life. I feel this is very Inside the Actor's Studio. But with prostitutes instead of actors. Same thing, really. During this interview, Deelishis lets loose with the "Krazy is fake and wants to be a singer and not here for Flav" theory. Which could describe everyone here. New York tells Flav that it's hard to see him interact with the other girls, and she starts crying. And Flav starts feeling "old times". Didn't she LOSE last season? Huh? Where's Hoopz? Can someone call Hoopz? No? Why? Because she's posing for King magazine and so over this bullshit.

Anyway, back at the whorehouse - Krazy confront Deelishis. Guess what happens? They have some delicious Lemon Zinger tea and talk about their feelings and dreams. No, they yell and there are fingers in faces and threats of violence. And then there's this whole Krazy took her drawers off in the hot tub with Flav controversy and they're acting like it's a bad thing when isn't that move like winning Double Jeopardy on this show? Flav staggers in and asks what the drama's about and New York explains that "folks are being real". Reality is scary, Mommy. Deelishis explains what she thinks Krazy is all about and she's crying and she seems to really have a thing for Flav. Egads, woman. Raise your standards.

Krazy goes to Flav that night and tries to plead her case. She also spills it that quiet little Beutaful (I have no clue what the Flav-spelling should be) has a cold sore and Flav's camera reaction is amusing. Elimination night. The girls are all nervous about possibly going home. Deelishis is a manimal and she's staying. So is Bootz. And she's too dumb to know that New York was pulling for her. Nibbz, Beautuful, and Krazy are left. Beautuful is out - she's too quiet and the cold sore wasn't helping her cause. Beautful aka Kelly Jay could care less. Krazy stays. Nibblz is out, she's too real and Flav "has kids". So crack is allowed in the house and guns, but no pole dancing? That's very American. Nibblz leave us with the fact that she didn't sign up to be a role model, she signed up to be a lover. And Flav missed out on a "good fuck". Charming. Flav also missed out on having to get her a speech therapist because that lisp is WET.

Flav gives New York a clock and enters her BACK in the competition. He must not be feeling these girls if she was his secret ringer. Ugh. New York cries and Buckwild flies. She is OUT of there. New York has "spoke it from day one" and she's here to "speak it again, Flav and I are inseparable." And batshit crazy. And there go more of my brains out of my ears. And unfortunately Buckwild drops her ghetto and sounds like Lisa from Anaheim when she freaks out to Flav about New York staying. I knew it. No one is that charming. Though, she did reveal that she's on probation and doesn't want to go back to jail on account of punching New York in her weave. Of course she is.

More of this mess next week. Recapping this is some kind of endurance challenge. I need to go eat some crackers to settle my stomach.