By J. Harvey
Previously - Christian's worried that he might be gay and in love with Sean; Sean and Julia discovered that their unborn baby is going to be severely disfigured; McNamara/Troy was sold to Larry Hagman and Sanaa Lathan; and I really miss Gina.
Christian is at a strip club, being entertained by a chatty stripper named Blu Mondae. No, really. Does Bernard Sumner know about this? She wants a breast reduction and is willing to work it off by bouncing on Christian's Troy. She wants people's attitudes towards her to change and perhaps to land a position selling Mary Kay. She actually said that.
Richard Chamberlain brings J.T. from Young & the Restless in to have him surgically altered to look exactly like him. Which is odd, because J.T. is fairly smoking looking and Richard Chamberlain is decaying quickly. This show gets more and more twisted. J.T. apparently used to be married to his childhood sweetheart until Richard convinced him he liked the D. Christian is troubled by this - a seemingly straight man realizing he's gay all of a sudden. Hmm.
We get our first glimpse of Matt this year. And I am much too above it all to mention the Michael Jackson resemblance that everyone else talks about or the hairline that is receding higher than mine. Which thrills me deeply. Sean and Julia buy him a gym membership as he is spending all his time in the garage lifting weights in between visits to his therapist. Being brutally tortured alongside the transsexual I once trannie-bashed and then sorta kinda dated and then helping her/him kill your torturer who is also the white supremacist father of your white supremacist ex-girlfriend would send me shrieking to therapy as well.
Sean has a flip fit when Annie tapes her fingers to resemble her soon-to-be brother's so she can see what it's like. Down at the local coffee shop, he pesters a facially disfigured guy because he thinks he's all earnest and do-gooder and actually just a self-righteous mental case. Apparently the guy's condition is akin to having polio in this post-Jonas Salk era and Sean gives him his card.
More of J. Harvey's "Nip/Tuck" recap is after the jump.
Christian consults with J.T., who reveals that he's not sure he's actually gay but having the rich sugar daddy is worth the "occasional blow job". Amen, brotha! And I might have misread Christian's earlier reaction as I just now remembered that he used to let a guy molest him when he was a kid because he bought him things or something equally tragic. Ugh. This show is repugnant.
Sean consults with the coffee shop guy. Coffee Shop Guy reveals that he never got his face fixed because his Dad was a poor janitor and he had a host of other medical problems. Christian tries to convince J.T. that he could actually be gigoloing the ladies out of their money without resorting to scary queens who want him to cut his face up. J.T. seems to sense a kindred soul and asks Christian if he's "bi, too?" Coffee Guy says that he had gotten used to looking like he does and thought that getting the barista job was going to be the high point of his existence. Back and forth, compare and contrast, Nip/Tuck. Christian offers to show J.T. how much better it is on the hetero team - J.T. agrees.
Matt goes to the gym. And lo and behold, runs into Kimber. YAY! They flirt and catch up. And Kimber is apparently a Scientologist! She hates shrinks and anti-depressants as much as Tom Cruise! This should be interesting. Or get FX sued. I'd watch out. I've heard the Scientologists will cut a bitch. Any religion that encourages fags to get married to women and fake childbirth is out there and not to be trifled with.
Continuing this season's gay theme, Christian and J.T. go back to the strip bar, which is playing 70's gay disco music. This strip club is sorta nappy, and what's with the Wild West saloon theme? Ugh. J.T. is concerned because he hasn't been with a woman in a long time. I don't count Colleen over at Y&R as a woman either, seeing as she's actually a badger. Ok, I DVR Y&R. Shut up! You do, too!
Christian recruits Blu Mondae to turn J.T. back to the side of boredom (no offense, hets), and she protests that she's not a whore. Christian's all "of course, you're not...." and then pulls out his wallet and asks how much. Heh. Christian offers the breast reduction for free as a fee. Blu is all, you must really want this guy straight and Christian insists he is straight - he just doesn't know it yet.
What ensues is more of the gayness that pervades this amazing show. Christian and J.T. get simultaneous lap dances and are eye fucking the hell out of each other. Despite the fact that I usually go for the burlier types, I pray to every deity I know that we get a Christian/J.T. sex scene by the end of this mess.
Sean operates on Coffee Shop Guy. It involves taking bone from his skull and fusing it to his face. Ouch. Sean makes a slight mistake during the surgery. Meanwhile back at Casa De Powderkeg, Julia does laundry while the boring-ass daughter plays cat's cradle with a friend and it only reminds Julia how their son won't be able to do that with his deformed hands. Man, everyone is acting like this kid's going to come out in an iron lung. Can they let him get born first? Also, isn't this little bore-tard a little old to be calling her mother "Mommy"? Ugh. I hate baby talk. Julia is disturbed to realize that Boring has disfigured all of her dolls' hands. That's morbid. And isn't this kid too old to be playing with dolls? Shouldn't she be listening to her iPod, texting on her Blackberry and earning colored bracelets via oral sex with the older boys? Julia confronts her and that kid looks at her like she just escaped from the Village of the Damned. Julia better watch out or she's going to burst into flames.
Kimber introduces Matt to a Scientology device that takes away bad feelings. He has to share about bad decisions he might have made. I am bored with this story already. Can't they just take it to the bedroom to kick off the inevitable Christian vs. Matt for Kimber storyline? Anyway, Matt relays the Nazi girlfriend/trannie/torture storyline from last season and reminds me that Matt actually had to castrate "Cherry" or else he would have had to do it to himself down in that basement. AAIIEEEEEHHHHHHH!!! I forgot about that. Oh, and it turns out that Nazi Dad isn't dead. "Cherry" shot him in the stomach, and he's not in prison. So expect him to pop up at the end of this season. This is all so stupid, because Kimber isn't reacting to any of these revelations. She's just acting like she's a shrink, and it makes me hate Tom Cruise even more. I take back my initial thoughts about this storyline, I'm so glad they're making Scientologists look like the shithead delusional cultists that they are. Matt has an epiphany about never having had a choice in his life. Kimber reveals that the machine is reporting that he is now "clear". Yeah, clearly stupid.
Matt tells Sean and Christian that he wants to get off his antidepressants and wants to stop seeing a shrink. Sean and Christian are unthrilled when Matt tells them that it's Scientology. Christian is floored when Matt reveals that it's Kimber who got him into this. Christian goes to Kimber's crib, breaks her door down and harangues her. They do the accusatory tango, and Christian asks her if she's into "snuff films" because her place is so nice. Snuff films make that big of a profit? Note to self. Kimber reminds him that he was just a piece of work to her. Christian tells her that she's weak and needs someone to suck off of. He tells her he will end her ass if she keeps hanging out with his son. I guess he forgets that he got her kidnapped by a mad serial killer who reversed all of her plastic surgery WITHOUT ANASTHESIA? She might deserve a little SMIDGE of sympathy. Just a tad. When someone takes out your breast implants without putting you out first, and Fed-exes them to people - I think you deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Sanaa is still watching Christian perform surgeries, and isn't thrilled that Christian bumped a patient to perform Blu Mondae's boob reduction. Sanaa calls her a "hooker" and wants her "off that table". Does she know which practice she bought? Get used to this shit, lady.
Sean is researching surgeries for his son's condition. God forbid if they start being able to tell if kids are gay in the womb. He's summoned into the OR and reminds Christian that they have a new "no more boobjobs for blowjobs" policy. Heh. Christian counters by informing Sanaa about Sean operating on Coffee Shop Guy for gratis. He also wants to know where Larry Hagman is. Sanaa informs them that she can legally blah blah blah, she's Charles in Charge.
Meanwhile back at Casa De Timebomb, Julia and the boring daughter have a spat at dinner. Matt's wearing a vest and looks very Tombstone. Boring daughter accuses Julia of being the reason the baby's deformed. Someone needs to backhand that child. Or get a child actress who can act. Matt gives Mom some advice, and she's all impressed until he tells her about the alien cult he's joined. And I am in love with the burbling celestial rocketship android to Venus sound effects they play whenever Matt discusses Scientology. HAH! Ryan Murphy is my hero. Did anyone else want to smack that kid from That 70's Show when he was photographed by paparazzi wearing some kind of "Psychiatry is Evil" t-shirt? If karma is real, he'll get stabbed by an untreated paranoid schizophrenic.
Sean and Christian make up after their tussle over which patients should get pro-bon work. They discuss what to do about Matt. Christian says that they should cut him off financially. And get Julia in on it. Christian says that they should talk to her together because when they unite, Julia doesn't stand a chance. He should just kiss Sean already.
Julian McMahon ass-shot! My Tuesday is complete! J.T. shows up all freaked out and says Richard Chamberlain dumped his ass when he found out he was with a female stripper. Christian offers to put him up at a hotel. And gives him money. $500. J.T. uses Christian's bathroom, and comes out naked. And we get a J.T. butt double, and J.T. offering to give Christian "the best blowjob of his life". WHOA! Does Eric Braeden know about this? Genoa City will never be the same! That show is so Republican! This is a scandal! J.T. persists and starts touching and Christian punches him. J.T. leaves. And we get a shot of the cock statue in Christian's apartment. My roommate notes that he would think the occupant would be into getting blowjobs from guys if he saw that statue in their house.
Coffee Guy's surgery is a bust and he refuses Sean's further plans for corrective surgery. He doesn't want to go through the pain and says it probably would have worked if his parents had done it while he was a kid. Jacqueline Bissett rolls up on Sanaa in the parking lot. And Sanaa gives her a whole mess o' cash. What? Jacqueline plays with Sanaa's boobies and Liz (lesbian anesthesia nurse) watches them kiss. What? Huh?
Julia gave Matt money to be a Scientologist. Sean and Christian are, once more with feeling, unthrilled. Julia yells that she would do anything to see Matt happy again. Sean comes around, but Christian says they're choosing their future handicapped kid over Matt. Christian leaves and Julia and Sean discuss how it's too late to try and change Matt now. Sean tells Julia he wants to operate on the fetus and correct whatever he can. Julia is ok with it and they decide the baby's name is Connor. Can anyone else feel the death on the operating table that's on the way?
Blu Mondae is entertaining Christian, and he's not really into it. He's thinking of J.T.'s sweet ass and Sean's rough lips. Blu's referring to herself as Ashley Wednesday now. And wearing a purple wig. Pretty!
Next - Liz confronts Sanaa on getting her boobies bobbled by Bissett, Christian does Internet porn, and Sean and Julia hire Peter Dinklage, who is a sexy-ass little person. Yeah, I said it.
Nip/Tuck airs on FX Tuesday nights at 10pm e/p.
GirlyGIRL says:
You are THE best. Best. Ever. Nip/Tuck and PR are my favorite shows, and reading your reviews makes my otherwise crappy, Civil Servant day. "Bore-tard"... thats the best.
As a straight woman, I just want to add that this is THE gayest show ever to hit the airways... Christian wanted the BJ sooooo bad last night. And the whole lap dane while looking longingly at EACH OTHER (as opposed to the naked pieces of ass being shoved in their faces) was homoerotic television at its finest.
As for Connor- he won't be the first 'special needs' child... oh no, that honor goes to Matt who 'specially needs a hair transplant and some kind of face work done. He looks like a 45 year-old dude with horrific botox....
Finally- I am THRILLED they are going after Scientology. Did anyone else find Kimber's earnestness "Tell me a decision you made. Uh huh. Any other ones?" hilarious? All of a sudden, these two are sitting around, holding an old Atari joy stick, and getting 'clear'???
'I'm a Theta, You're a Theta, Wouldn't you like to be a Theta too????' (sung to the old Dr. Pepper jingle)
delawarebratboi says:
I just have to say that this is the best play by play review I have ever found on Nip/Tuck. I love the jokes as well. I Can't wait to see what you write about the next episode!!!
JungleRed says:
What the effin' F was up with Saana and Jackie and all the perverse lesbian lipsticking? Made the whole episode for me, and that's even without all the male butt shots.
Julia is as clueless as the rest of them yelling at her daughter because of her own anxieties.
Matt
Kimber's conversion to Scientology only adds another to the ranks of the sexiest religion on the planet.