Project Runway: 'Oh, Jeezus!'

Everyone gathers for the special guests. And guess who walks in? First is muthaf*ckin' VINCENT! Uli exclaims "a real person"! She is so cute and innocent, but keep in mind she can snap your neck with her thighs. Vincent is laughing and stumbling and I say "muthaf*ckin" because these writers are tools and I hope they planned this from the beginning and aren't merely messing with the viewing audience. Vincent's like "you guys are so nice!" Huh? Vincent is all "what's up, what are we doing?" And Heidi isn't telling him anything, because we need to introduce the second guest. Hold on to your fleurchamps, because it's ANGELA. Ugh, I hate this show. I just want to see ugly clothes and the judges who despise them. Then again, Angela fits that bill.

Angela walks in, looking totally frightened and unsure of where she is. Did they drive up to Ohio, taser her and stuff her in a van and bring her passive/aggressive ass here? She looks like they're about to make her dance barefoot on broken glass for the amusement of others. Jeffrey looks distraught at Angie's appearance, and camera-grunts that she was the second "special" guest and "special, if you know what I mean". For someone who looks a teensy Downsy, he might want to keep quiet about that.

So anyway, because Vincent and Jubilee Jumbles won challenges, they're giving them another chance. Apparently anyone who won a challenge would have gotten a second chance if they were eliminated. Yeah, anyone crazy named "Vincent" or "Angela". Upon hearing this, Kayne downs his champagne in one gulp like the sit-com star he always wanted to be. Angela and Vincent are astounded and Angela is wearing one of those poufy skirts that I abhor. Angela and Vincent have to win the next challenge to stay or they automatically go home. Angela seems a little stricken by the fine print. Maybe she finally realized that fleurchamps aren't the road to victory. Oh, and three people are being eliminated.

The challenge is simple - design a cocktail party dress using black and white. The models enter to party. Uli says she would be embarrassed if she were kicked off before Angela. Truer words have never been uttered.

The next morning, Laura tells Angela that it's not fair she got to come back because her win was a team win. Angela feigns surprise (she's all about feigning things), and says that she disagrees. Laura is very blunt, and camera-informs us that her and Michael carried a lot of load on Angela's team. Angela isn't fazed at all and looks to be putting on hip boots. Is Parsons flooded?

Tim lets them know that they have to use ALL the material they buy. Designers sketch. Kayne tells us that his dress is sophisticated in the front and "crazy-sexy" in the back. Did he leave "cool" out because Left-Eye is dead? Laura is falling apart and not sure of herself. It's like the time she didn't know what to do when she found out sweatshop workers had made her pashmina. Material is bought. Do you think Uli bought a crazy pattern?

Kayne agrees that the competition is getting harder because they allowed two "heifers" to come back. I wouldn't be referring to anybody as a "heifer" if I were carting around those B-cups, kid. Angela is constructing something bizarre and "taking risks that are admirable, but I'm still retaining my fingerprint". Ok. What? Oxfam America is admirable. Heifer. Yeah, I said it and I have manboobs. That bitch is just so jank!

Jeffrey wants to win a third challenge and piss everybody off. He is one angry junkie. Vincent camera-one on ones something, but I'm more taken by the fact that his outfit makes me think he just came from a roller disco. You KNOW he's been to a roller disco and all the fashion back then really "got him off".

Jeffrey loudly laughs and proclaims that he never ever ever ever wanted to see Angela again. He is SO in love with her, and his heart is in his throat because she's back. Uli is cagey and makes a joke about how "Jeffrey and Uli, you are out!" Because yeah, it would be horrifying if Vincent and Angela made it past this one. Michael Knight laughs at Uli's joke and he is just the sweetest, politest, coolest guy. I hope he wins. I really do.
Having said that about Michael, he might actually be a leetle bit conniving as he sorta mindf*cks Kayne about his dress looking "working girl". For all of you at home, that means "hooker". Which I never thought was a problem in this competition, and who knew Michael was so conservative? Actually, he just has taste. Which Kayne has none of. Not a smidgen. Kayne thinks he's designing for the Sonny and Cher show circa 1977. Kayne and Michael have that buddy movie thing going on. I like it.

Laura's model tries to help her with her design looking "younger". Tim enters, with leatherman-looking makeup queen Collier Strong. Collier is here to shill L'oreal and help the designers with makeup. Buy L'Oreal, everyone! I love when Vince yells that his makeup is "so modern, so hip, so hip"! You too, Vincent.

Tim looks over the designs. I think my favorite moment in Project Runway history so far is when Tim asks Kayne where his white fabric is and Kayne shows his a tiny white piece of belt/trim and Tim responds with the gayest sounding "oh jesus!" ever. Seriously. I could be in denim short shorts with glitter on my chest and getting fisted by John Travolat and it would be less gay. Seriously it was a panicky "oh jeezus....!" I love Tim. Kayne says that he is actually banking on Jesus at this point. Tim looks at Angela's dress with the fisheye like "this bitch is still crazy". Laura begins her hormonal breakdown, as she tells Tim she can't exhaust herself trying to design for the "Olsen twins". Why? It's not that hard. Throw a blankety poncho over some dirty hair and shove a mocha latte and a Marlboro in their hands. And make sure they don't eat for a fortnight. There ya go.

Laura camera-wails about "self-doubt" and getting "blind-sided". She said that she wanted to make a "big change" in her life and she's "too tired" and it's getting "exhausting". And this lady doesn't even raise her own children! I remind myself of that whenever I feel for her. Which I do, because she's with child. I would feel sorry for anyone pregnant because it's like being possessed by David Cronenberg.

Laura says her spirits are buoyed the next morning by a video message sent from her husband and kids. Frankly, she doesn't look buoyed. She looks like she saw one of the kids messing with her Faberge egg she keeps in the glass display case and some little tyke is getting a broken arm when she gets home. But whatever inspires you, right?

Kayne is topless again the next morning and someone in editing at Project Runway is a burgeoning chubby chaser. Tim reminds the designers about using all their fabric and the L'Oreal makeup room and the TresEmme hair salon and the Macy's accessory wall. Seriously, he should just walk in and shout "L'Oreal! TresEmme! Macy's!" and leave. The boyfriend thinks they should just tickertape the names at the bottom of the screen through the entire episode. Vincent's model had an accident, and he has to use an older one. She seriously did, I read it online. That sucks. I just didn't want you thinking that Uli cut her brake line or some shit because that's what secret agent assassins do.

Designers finish up and fit models. Kayne complains that Jeffrey's dress looks cheap and is not something he would wear to a cocktail party if he were a girl. Were? Runway! Models walk! Our guest judge is elfin twelve year old superstar designer Zac Posen. He's slightly cutesy despite the ascot. Zac looks at Angela's Barbarella Psychadella creation on the runway like she might have covered her model in urine and sent her out. Michael and Laura have it down. Vincent should just leave now. You, too Angie. I love how when Michael Kors criticizes the "capelet" Vinne made for his model, she hurriedly takes it off like maybe out of sight, out of mind. The judges figure out that Angela shoved all of her material in her model's purse. Busted! Jeffrey says that his creation was inspired by the last couple of cocktail parties he had been to in L.A. Which apparently took place behind a dumpster and there was a lot of crack rock being smoked. His model is hot, though. Zac says that he could have gone more rock-n-roll AND more elegant. You can? What? If he means Elton John, I'm leaving.

The judges love Laura's dress and I'm happy for her. Kayne is screwed. Judges judge amongst themselves. Angela's jacket is discussed and Heidi says that most people who design jackets like that "know what they're doing when they do them". Ouch! Heh. I bet Seal knows better than to piss her off. Rolling whack-a-doo Kors imitates Uli's "I live in hot weather" excuse for everything she designs. Nina Garcia cracks up. Those two must have the best phone conversations.

Laura wins! Yay! Her children's limbs are safe for now! Michael congratulates her and my crush is even bigger. Angela is gone for good. Twice. Beat it, Jubilee Jumbles. So's Vinnie. He's off and he talks about how he made "beautiful music all along" and he'll make it for the rest of his life and he does it "so damn well" and "it's a gift". Except this is a FASHION competition, guy. I'm sure your kazoo-playing is amazing, though.

Kayne and his man-mammaries are adiosed. Gurlfriend is goin' back to Kansas to design for the remaining Jon-Benet Ramseys of the world. Jeffrey gives everyone (Angela) the finger when he comes backstage. He's angry. But he does tell Kayne it's been an honor working with him. And apparently everyone loved working with Kayne. He wants everyone to know he's not a bitch, and he just plays one on TV. Well said, Priscilla Presley.

Next - Designers are told not to bore Nina and to also make water dry. And we're almost at the end, folks. Hold on to your fleurchamps!

"Project Runway" airs Wednesday's at 10/9c on Bravo.