Ugly Betty: "Betty for President/Fabulously Douchey"

At home we meet one of my favorite characters, Bette's nephew - Justin, a ten-year-old openly gay kid. He's a HOWL. He's a little diva, matter of fact and very supportive of his Aunt Betty. He's basically what I was at ten but not as self-aware. Betty lives with his mom, her sister Hilda and their Dad - who has a heart condition. Justin is forced to watch telenovelas by his Mom and the telenovela within the telenovela stars producer Salma who I can happily snark on because bitch irritates me. Good job on this show, but I still don't understand what she's brought to the silver screen. Seriously. I can't stand her best friend Penelope Cruz either. Why are these two so revered? Plus - I can't understand a goddamn word they say. Is it because they're good beards to closeted actors? Salma should stick to producing.

Anyway, the back story at Meade is that Anna Wintour-esque editrix Fay Sommers is dead and Meade has hired his good for nothing hot-ass model f*cker son Daniel to run things. Much to the chagrin of Vanessa Williams, who was up for the job. Daniel has a habit of throwing it to his assistants and anyone else who's thrown up anything they've ever eaten or appeared on a magazine cover. Keep all this in mind. That night at the Suarez residence, Betty's boyfriend Walter dumps her ass so he can start sleeping with her neighbor. This is just the first in a long long long series of humiliations for Betty that are this totally manipulative gambit of the producers to get us on her side. It works. I get so infuriated at people treating Betty badly. I want to kick my TV in. I'm such a gullible prick.

Anyway, Meade has Betty hired as Daniel's new assistant at Mode mainly because he won't bang her because she's...ugly. People just keep openly saying it. This is a tough show! Let's all face our fears of not being attractive enough. Little gay Justin knows Mode, and he's basically creaming his 7 for all Mankind jeans for juniors He advises Betty to TRY and dress fashionably and asks her if she has anything to wear for her first day. And then we're treated to television history as Betty rolls up at Mode wearing this huge poncho that reads "Guadalajara" and giant here to please grin. I just want to get a stuffed version of her to take home.

We meet another of my favorite characters, Amanda - who is the receptionist that was up for Betty's job. Let's just say we're going to see Amanda next Tuesday. She's horrible to Betty, as basically everyone is at Mode. Everyone. People stare at her and laugh and whisper about her and it makes me hate humans. Betty walks straight into the plate glass door to her first meeting in front of tons of people. Daniel is giving his first speech, and Vanessa Williams rolls up with the character I hate most on the show - her fagulous assistant Mark. Mark is the reason why I have internalized homophobia. He's got like spit curls and looks like Neil Tennant from Pet Shop Boys smashed into Jack Skellington. The guy playing him is a good actor, because I want to choke a bitch. And he has the audacity to mock Betty's poncho when he's wearing a pink sweater vest, loud yellow tie and spit curls. Asshole. God, the creators of this show are playing me like a fiddle.

Vanessa Williams is bullshit about Daniel getting her job, and is out to crucify him because he's clueless. They have this big campaign for Fabia cosmetics coming up and it's crucial that it goes off without a hitch. Fabia is played by snaggle lips with feet Gina Gershon (love her) and assistant Amanda explains to Betty that she is "fabulously douchey". Which is my new favorite descriptive phrase and why Amanda is one of my favorite characters. She should be writing this re-cap. Daniel is working with Felipe, a Eurotrash photographer whose girlfriend he banged. Felipe is disgusted by Betty's presence when he should actually be disgusted by that puffy jean jacket he's wearing. Daniel at first was pretty much oblivious to Betty. But Felipe convinces him that she's too "fugly" to be working as his assistant and he should overwork and humiliate her until she quits so he can get a hot bitch in there. Which is what happens. And it's just...ugh. Tough to watch. I hate these situations. I want Betty to whip out her pistol and start firing.

She has to do things like separate the cabbage out of cole slaw, and take gum off Daniel's shoe and wait outside his loft and let him know via cell that he needs to finish up with Amanda because his next cum dumpster has shown up. It's mortifying. During all this, she misses her sick Dad's birthday party because Daniel is making her work horrifyingly long hours doing menial tasks. I'm ready to burn Mode down. Luckily, Betty does make some friends - especially the Scottish chick that works in the "closet". The closet being where all the shoot clothes and accessories are kept. So almost every A Socialite's Life's reader's moist dream. I didn't catch the Scottish chick's name but she's sweet and on Betty's side so god love her. Unfortunately, the Scottish chick is also the person who has to clue Betty in on the fact she was hired because Daniel wouldn't want to sleep with her. Her acceptance of this is so heartbreaking, when she says well she got hired easier than most people have it, and it was just the way it was supposed to happen and god, I hate and love this show. Ugh. Stop rending my heart.

The denouement to all this horrifying bullshit is when Betty has to get dressed up in red vinyl to take the place of a model at the shoot. And the outfit doesn't fit and everyone laughs at her and I think it's time to destroy the prom with her telekinetic powers. It's brutal. I actually felt nauseous for her. Daniel chases her out and she lets him know she knows the whole story and doesn't kick him in the nuts, which shows remarkable restraint.

This is where things started looking up for Betty. As little gay Justin makes her some chamomile tea at home (awww and wow, that's not just gay - that's vagina) and she notices her neighbor making out with her boyfriend in the neighbor's living room. Betty has had enough and rolls up on her. Turns out it isn't the ex-boyfriend. This bitch dumped him after she got his Best Buy discount on a new wide-screen. Betty leaves and slams the door, breaking the TV and earning the neighbor bitch's enmity for a future episode. Meanwhile, Gina Gershon HATES the Fabia campaign and she is so obviously a Donatella Versace caricature and that's always funny and she of course, has a dog. And of course, Felipe is in cahoots with Vanessa Williams and sabotaged Daniel totally. Really, the show is by the numbers but it's Betty who makes ya want to keep watching.

So of course - Daniel goes to Betty's house to beg her to come back because Scottish lady gave him her proposal for the Fabia shoot and he loved it and Salma Hayek is still starring on the telenovela within the telenovela and I hate her. Betty lets Daniel have it, and lets him know he's a spoiled rich boy and she's trying to get an HMO to pay for her Dad's meds and are they really going to put Betty and Daniel together? Probably. I hope not, because I want Betty to stay Betty and succeed.

So as you guessed - Betty goes back to work and Gina Gershon and her snagglepuss love the new campaign Betty thinks up. It's about mothers and daughters, and Betty used photos of her dead mother which is kinda manipulative and inappropriate because it's not art - it's a cosmetics layout. Betty wows them with an explanation of Fabia's demographics, and hits it out of the park and Vanessa wants her in the ground as she foiled her evil fashion mag masterplan. Fabia likes it, but says that she and her own daughter do not participate in the warm mother/daughter activities depicted. So she wants them to have at least one shot of them "pulling each other's hair" or "biting each other". Heh. That's funny. This show can be funny.

So Betty saved the day. And Vanessa goes to some evil lair and speaks with the living Fay Sommers and we realize that Betty is in danger. From her neighbor who's tv she broke as well. And from Amanda. And her ex-boyfriend wants her back. And Daniel looks longingly after her as we end our program. I wish I had this much action in my sad ass life!

Next - Betty gets some kind of fashion mag bible and loses it to her psycho neighbor and as long as Betty remains Betty and Justin, Amanda and Fabia are back next week - I'm in.

Ugly Betty airs Thursday's on ABC at 8/7c.