By J. Harvey
Previously - Betty Suarez is the girl you root for, everyone else at Mode magazine is evil and thin, there's some kind of weird plot with the editor who's not dead and Vanessa Williams.
Betty. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Betty personalizes her desk, as the rest of the office still openly gapes at her for being dorky. Mark the evil queen rolls up, still rocking the spit curls and setting my people back by 3 jillion light years. He's all fake, and she explains her stuffed rabbit with the diploma and cap is from her sister Hilda when she graduated Queens College. "One of America's best value colleges," Mark venoms. God, I hate this bitch.
The whole episode is about how you should tell the truth, and I'm starting to think this is sort of a kid's show in some ways because the last thing I need is a message. I just want bitchy people in hot clothes, and some good dialogue. And Betty. I love me some Betty. Anyway, Daniel gently chews Betty out for revealing to Page Six that he was wearing shoes made in a sweatshop. He explains that sometimes she should twist the truth to get ahead.
Daniel meets with his Dad, and learns about the BOOK. The book is like the whole layout of the magazine and it's like this big important treasure and whoever wields it, wields the power. As you can tell, the book is going to be lost and it will be Betty's fault and sorry about the spoilers. But if you didn't see that coming, you should have been held back a grade.
More of J. Harvey's "Ugly Betty" recap is after the jump.
Some big movie actress named Natalie is at the magazine for a layout and they are shrinking her down to nothing in the photos because she hasn't lost her movie weight yet. The actress, who looks like she came straight from One Tree Hill, says she thought she looked "normal". Vanessa Williams corrects her by saying that Mode isn't about normal; it's about "aspirational". Is that a word? My spellcheck doesn't think so. Natalie reluctantly agrees. Whenever Vanessa turns her head, her plastic face crinkles at the edges. She needs to stare straight ahead and never use her neck and she would look flawless. Did they just forget to take off the extra? As she exits, she asks an editor about the concept on the Beyonce pyromania spread, which is hot. Seriously, with the way her career is going lately - Beyonce compulsively setting things aflame would be a step-up for her.
Daniel tells Vanessa he wants the BOOK sent to him every night, and she's not loving it. Betty's bunny is gone and she demands to know who took it and everyone else hides behind his or her white and orange Mode office furniture and snickers. Evil bitches. Fagulostic Mark massages Vanessa's piggies and they scheme to steal the book and create the threat of the to untouched pics of fat actress being released and then save the day. Betty notices Natalie sadly playing around with her photos on the conference room computer. Awwww. Whatever, she's an actress. The world is retouched! Bitch, if I had the money and the software I'd retouch every damn photo of me ever taken! But iPhoto is lacking the magic to take away these chins and still have me looking human and not like I had some kind of neck removal surgery. You need a neck in life.
Betty makes empanadas and everyone in the caf thinks she's stank. She has lunch with Scottish Christina, the prerequisite sassy black lady, and this pale messy vegan chick that I will grow to love because she looks miserable. Depression is hot. Sassy black lady makes a joke about "pre-crack Whitney" and when the sitcoms are making fun of your drug habit, it's time for that Clive Davis-induced comeback. Fat actress rolls up and enjoys an empanada with Betty, pissing horrible bitch assistant Amanda off.
Vanessa Williams visits Fey, the previous editor who faked her death and it looks like Daniel's father tried to kill her. She's wearing a burqa to cover her burns from the car "accident" that didn't kill her. They're trying to take over the company. Meanwhile, Daniel's Dad is going to break into Fey's abandoned house to look for anything incriminating. I'm bored with this storyline. If I wanted to watch Desperate Housewives, wait I would never want to watch Desperate Housewives because Teri Hatcher is vastly irritating.
Betty gets an IM containing a picture of her bunny in a noose. HAH! Sorry. It's a pink bunny, it's meant for nooses. Slutty Amanda lures Daniel away from the office and because he's a cretin playboy he leaves the book out on his desk. Betty notices it, and is scared because she thinks the greasy janitor might take it because he needs to know if he should go with the Chloe Paddington bag this season or not. She takes the book home and I could end with yadda yadda yadda there's mishap and Betty gets fired and Daniel learns the meaning of truth and I hate Mark but this is a recap so I need to detail this shite.
Back at Betty's house, her little gay nephew Justin (I *heart* Justin) knows exactly what the BOOK is and is shooting in his pants because he "saw Prada nine times". I like how they have evil queen (Mark) and good queen (Justin). Both are horrible stereotypes of gay men, but it's a comedy. I'll let it pass. At least Mr. Jay from Top Model isn't running around to up the ignorance quotient. Remember the neighbor who Betty's boyfriend dumped her for? Yeah, well she's known as Gina Hyena and Betty broke her plasma TV. She busts into their house, and big sister Hilda is like "bitch, out my house!" and this show should be Ugly Betty/Hot Hilda. Seriously, I love me some Hilda as much as I love Betty. Now if only the Dad would die, it would be a perfect family. Gina wants a new TV or money for it and I'm not sure what Hilda does for a living but it involves wearing a blouse with pink ruffles. Mary Kay? That night, Gina breaks into the house and wait for it, steals the BOOK! Gasp. Horrors. More sex! Please?
Betty freaks and tears apart the house. When Justin finds out what happened, he gasps like a true gay with his hands over his mouth like I do when I find out female friends are pregnant. F*ck it, embrace the drama within. Hilda and Betty scheme to get the book back from Gina Hyena. Meanwhile, over at Daniel's - Amanda tells him that if his showerhead could pay her bills she would marry it. First - ew. Second, so you're telling the guy you banged all night that his showerhead slings the D better than he does? Smart. Daniel is panicking because Betty has the book and Betty lies that it's ok and he sends a car to get her. Amanda is bitchy concerned that there will be "chimichanga sauce all over it". Ouch, and what a racist slag she is. Betty also lets Daniel know that she thought it was brave to go with the untouched pics of Fat Actress. He's all like, what?
Betty shoves her face in Gina's door and begs. It's sad. Gina's not giving it up, but that's ok because Hilda broke in and starts beating her ass. Seriously, maybe the show should just be Hot Hilda. Betty, catch up. The car arrives, and it's no use. They leave, and Hilda tells Gina they owe her 4K for her plasma TV and 50 cents for the weave she pulled out of her head. HOT HILDA FOR PRESIDENT! On the way back to the office, Betty tells Christina the whole story via cell phone and says she's going to just tell the truth. Unfortunately, the driver is Vanessa William's driver and now Vanessa knows where the book is. Dastardly! Vanessa should be tying bitches to railroad tracks and fighting Mighty Mouse.
Betty tells Daniel they're screwed and no one can convey a sense of stupid blockhead panic like Tim Mabius. Remember when he found out his wife Mia Kirschner was a dyke over on The L Word? Poor Tim. Anyway, Daniel looks like an ass in the meeting and Vanessa just tightens her grip on his gonads. Daniel and Betty hurtle over to Queens to Gina Hyena's crib and someone has already paid her off with a TV and gotten the book. Oh, and Fashion TV has been informed that there's untouched pics of Fat Actress flying around. Oh snap. Oh, and Betty receives another scary photo of her bunny. In a toilet. At this point, I say it's time for a new bunny. Screw the memories. Betty goes all Norma Rae and stands on her chair and announces that her spirit will not be broken so easily.
Mark, wearing a bronze sweat suit, returns from Queens with the BOOK for Vanessa. He pronounces Queens "the lost city of hoochieville". I wish he had gotten his ass bashed.
Daniel and Betty talk about telling the truth. Daniel wants to escape to Rio to bang some topless parade walkers, and she advises against it. She asks him for a recommendation after he fires her. Fat actress and her flaming manager freak their shit about the photos being out there. God, it's not even like she's actually fat. Amanda has packed Betty's things for her, including the busted rabbit. Amanda is so frickin' evil. I love her. I also love a girl who wears men's ties. Not in an Avril Lavigne spittle-covered faux-punk skaterat way but more in a sharp suit sort of way. Betty and fat actress talk in the elevator and Betty confesses it was all her fault but tells her how beautiful she is and that she loved the untouched pics.
Anyway, Fat Actress goes public with not being Kate Bosworth rib rack dying of starvation size and Betty's off the hook. Daniel is inspired to pay closer attention. Christina sews up the rabbit for Betty. All is well. And there's still some creepy bitch in a burqa in the basement plotting against everyone who I don't care about. I'm more interested in seeing Hilda beat a bitch down again. That was hot.
Next - Betty teases her hair up to land some famous photographer for the magazine. And Hilda busts Mark in his lip. Ok, that wasn't in the preview but it should have been. I would love a show where Hilda goes around beating people up who aggravate me.
Ugly Betty airs Thursday's on ABC at 8/7c.
JungleRed
Hilda has that whole Debi Mazar vibe going on, but thankfully this show isn't Entourage where it's all about the things stupid boys do.