Project Runway: 'Gather Round'

Tim Gunn calls up Jeffery to request that he has the receipts faxed from the pleating people, and to ask him to join him for a cognac and maybe a handjob. Jeffrey tells us that the pleating place is like "Sanford & Son" (Lizbeth! I'm comin'!) and asks Tim what happens if he can't produce? Tim tells him we'll explore that when it happens. Tim should be carrying a scythe everywhere he goes. The next day, Uli is wearing fire retardant pants and just cutesying the hell out of me. Everyone's waiting for the verdict. Michael Knight makes a golden handbag, and any of the optimism I had about his collection drains out of me, and puddles on the floor - mocking me. Tim does the gather round thing and announces that after a thorough investigation, Jeffrey went over budget but didn't outsource. Jeffrey bursts into tears, and I begrudgingly feel happy for him. I say begrudgingly because he can be a real dildo when he wants to be.

Laura looks incredibly happy about this outcome, and invites Jeffrey and Melanie and the baby to her loft for some biscotti and conversation. Her hair looks all mussed, like maybe Melanie flew her solid mohawked ass to NYC and worked her over. Laura's all, well, meet you on the runway...and please not in my driveway. With a tire iron. Uli is all in Jeffrey's corner, and does that thing wherein a heavily accented person who knows English better than she lets on gets very direct with someone and doesn't fear reprisal because the person she's needling can't decide whether it's because of a language or cultural barrier. She calls Laura on making Jeffrey cry. Laura tells us she never meant for Jeffrey not to end up on the runway (LIE) and is happy to compete fairly against him (ANOTHER LIE). Jeffrey takes the high road (?!?) and says that her accusations came from her inexperience and he's just happy to still be in the game. Hopefully, he remembers that revenge is a dish best served cold and a couple of years from now a certain 10 year old and his turtle are missing from an exclusive boarding school with a very Sex Pistols looking ransom note left behind.

Jeffrey is over budget so thank Christ, he loses the blond wigs. Tim has the final gather round, and cries. I can't remember him crying before. I think he actually likes all four of these people. He tells them how proud he is of them and even calls for a group hug. Is this all because he's into Jeffrey and his rat tail? What's going on with him? What's up with all the vulnerability? Where are the bitches? I want my bitches! Someone call Santino.

Flatotel, 4:15 AM. Jeffrey says it's the biggest day of his life and somewhere on the West Coast, Melanie sees this footage and is all I gave birth to your son! Isn't that up there with biggest days ever, you junkie asshole? Laura's hair is all f*cked up, and either Melanie beat her ass again or she went home for a quickie with Albert Einstein. Laura tells us that she wants to beat Jeffrey on the runway, not the accountant's office. Your evil plan didn't work, Elphaba, and backpedaling doesn't go with those shoes. Michael looks very "Jesus Walks". I love it. His collection might be "Suck Safari" but he's still cuter than kittens. Jeffrey looks like Oliver Twist asking for his second bowl of gruel. They go down to Bryant Park, and check out the runway. On every seat is an Elle gift bag! God, I hope someone reads these recaps and invites me next year even if it's just to murder me. I think I'd give my left arm

Backstage is exactly how you'd think it would roll. Models smoking, getting hair done, people yelling, sunglasses, eating disorders, and makeup. Various Runway losers congregate. Malan poses for a photo with Katherine - he's still mad about the log dress and she's going to be found floating in the Hudson. Everyone's parents are there, even Uli's. They leapt the wall and came over to the Technicolor dream palace that is America. All because of Miami Vice. Laura's husband is there, and you just know he had something to do with inventing the atomic bomb. He looks very Oppenheimer-ish.

And we're off. Heidi chirps a hello. Brandy's in the audience, already stalking Michael Knight. Maybe now is the time to actually embrace the gay rumors, Michael. Because I hear Moesha is crazy. Harvey Weinstein is there. And Vincent and Angela are in like the 75th row. Wave a fleurchamp so we can see you, Angie. Vincent is holding a rifle and looking for the production assistant who destroyed his laundry. Allison's in the audience, and sending rainbows and crystal showers of love and peace over all. She's lying on the back of a winged unicorn, and plaiting her hair with roses. Kayne is sitting beside a gay weasel who I take to be his boyfriend.

As you know, I know nada about fashion. So I will just give you impressions. Michael's collection was ugh. It was a lot of animal prints and white sneaker lacing pirate shirts, and he seemed to be stuck on his Pam Grier pantsuit. He's better when he takes direction. Laura's was incredibly elegant, and 1920's ish and a lot of black feathers. Uli's was beautiful and flowy and colorful (Miami Vice), with this whole new sharkstooth-looking fastening button as the signature of it. And Jeffrey's was punkish, and lots of zippers and green and white striped. I should TOTALLY write for Vogue.

The introductions were cute. Michael flashed his peace symbols which I am now co-opting as my own signature move. Uli bounded out because she is a children's television hostess. She said that this was the best experience of her life. I give her props because I can't recall her having one dramatical moment and yet, she stayed interesting. Her runway music is very Dora the Explorer. Sometimes I miss spy assassin Uli. Laura used music which is what you hear from the opening of a movie that takes place in the fall in a college town and Kevin Costner is probably having trouble with his daughter's fiancé. Terrible. She probably wanted this music to distract from her Mom's choppers. She tells us that she wanted her collection to remind American woman that they can take a couple of minutes to look presentable in the morning, and not look like the ass-faced pigs they are.

Afterwards, people mill about and compliment the designers. Moesha runs to a camera to froth about Michael Knight. I think he's going to get to hit it, plus dome. Look it up. Wal-Mart is there, and people are excited. Because you too can have your clothes sold at a chain store that locks in illegal immigrants to work overnight. America the Beautiful.

Parsons. It's time. I am on the edge of my couch. Mainly because I'm drunk as hell. The judges all agree that everyone is really talented and have different points of view and BLAH BLAH BLAH, who won? Heidi goes over the prizes again, and Uli doesn't understand them. She just wants to live in a world of color and fabric and toil in the Miami sun and go jogging on the beach and maybe have an ice cream. The judges actually temper their bitchiness at the end. Though Nina can't help herself. Josephina isn't getting the tiles to look right and she wants to know where her surprise factor is in Laura's collection.

Michael knows he didn't pull it off. His eyes are doing some shifty things. At least he gets some Moesha va-jay-jay as a consolation prize. Jeffrey explains that his collection was inspired by Japanese demon and ghost stories. And receives blank looks in return. From everyone. Heidi will ask Seal what that meant later. Seal knows things.

Heidi says that she would wear every outfit Uli showed. That's a hot compliment. Kors felt it wasn't a story. Or at least a story as interesting as the one about the squawking fashion designer whose mother is Herman Munster. Uli feels like she might want to move to New York to explore even more vibrant colors. New York should be so lucky.

Someone describes Michael's collection as a "noble quest", which is a death knell if I've ever heard one. Because those never end well. Nina tells us someone has already approached her about getting in touch with Uli. I'm guessing it's Nickelodeon. 

Just tell us who won! Heidi is like, only one of you, blah blah blah just f*cking tell us! Michael's out. Laura looks longingly after him. And then she's gone home to the rugrats and the Audrey Hepburn worship. Uli's out. And JEFFREY FOR THE WIN! Punkass, cranky rat tail Jeffrey. And Melanie's there and their Mohawks collide, she looks really pretty, and Harrison the baby who should be named Detroit and his Mom. And his drug dealer. Kidding, he's clean. Tim Gunn accompanies him to the Saturn dealership to ensure that he doesn't get any spoon burns on the upholstery. Just kidding. He's clean. Laura's gnashing her teeth. Hard. He can afford so much heroin now. Just kidding, he's clean. Jeffrey leaves us with the notion that it's all "just a bunch of vibrations
 and "not to take it too seriously". Seriously, like snapping at people's Moms and crying and hoping people have strokes? That's laid back.

Anyway, congrats Jeffrey. And thank you to everyone who reads my retarded recaps. Your compliments and appreciation mean a ton to me. Big huge hugs. Can't wait til next season! Now go read my Top Model ones. Tyra Banks is way too easy to make fun of.

"Project Runway" airs Wednesday's at 10/9c on Bravo.