Written by J. Harvey
Previously - Deelishis got a grille, and New York took her ass home.
So this is the reunion. My apologies. I guess we need to go over what happened. Like an autopsy.
The line-up? Bootz, Tiger, Buckeey. Beautufl (I still don't know he spelled her goddamn name, she was the one with the herpes) Krazy, Buckwild, Somethin', H-town, Spunkee, Like Dat, Toastee, Chocolate, Wire, Hood, Nibblz, Bama, Saffyire, Huey, Dewey and Louie. It's like GI Joe but with prostitutes. They're all lazing about on couches live before a studio audience. Our host is La La, who I think used to be on MTV but apparently got her ass demoted. At first glance, all I can focus on is Bootz' weave. It's....interesting. It's a big mop of a helmet, with red tips. She could keep her purse up in there, as well as a Pekinese and maybe a moped.
La La shows us what the ladies have been up to. Basically they've been up to photoshoots of them showing their asses for soft-core wank mags. They've been up to thong bikinis and bending over. Some dry. Some wet. There's a lot of garden hose shower action. It looks rather tawdry.
Now, I started recapping this abortion late. So I didn't get to go in depth on the Saffyire (sp.)/H-town brawl. These two are definitely bottom bitches, because they look a little used. It was over who was getting what bed. And you can tell where Flavor of Love sits on the reality TV show trashy lady scale as compared to other shows. When this same situation happened on Top Model this season, one bitch faked urinating on another's bed to keep it and the other chick figured she must really want the bed if she's that childish and gave it up. On this show? You take someone's bed and you get slapped upside your chiclets with a bouquet of flowers. That was the last good shot H-town got in because Saffyri whooped her ass but good. La La calls them up to discuss this incident. They are both wrinkled and look way too much like the people they interviewed on the National Geographic crystal meth special I watched recently. H-town says that she is completely embarrassed by how she behaved but expected it from Sappyri or whatever her name is. I wish to God Sapphyri had gotten a chance to be on the show longer because she's a hoot. She's all she smacked me in the face with some flowers, what was I supposed to do? If you hit me with something, and it could have been Q-tips or cotton balls, I still would have gone after you. Sapphiry also realizes that Flav wanted a "non-violent" girl so she attended anger management and got her "certificate". Heh. When La La asks how that's working out for her, she replies that a week ago she would have punched H-town in the face just now but now that she has her certificate - all is well. I had to stop typing there for a second because I was laughing so hard. I think the bottom bitches are always the funniest ones.
More of J. Harvey's "Flavor of Love" recap after the jump.
La La lets us know that Flavor of Love 2's finale was one of the highest rated shows in VH-1's history. You mean it did better than Celebrity Paranormal Experience or whatever? I can't believe it. She brings out Goldie from Season One and I have no idea who this woman is but she really likes the show and she's all wide-eyed and happy to be here. That's nice. She asks Krazy why she ever thought New York was her friend. She advises Somethin' to always have "somethin' on yo ass" to prevent any more televised leakage issues. And she wants to see the booty dancing again. I guess they had some time to kill before the studio-wide brawl. Thanks for playing, Goldie. We close this segment with Bootz, Like Dat and Buckwild re-enacting their hoe dancing. Buckwild mimes smoking a jibba and the three white people in the audience cheer.
Flav comes out; introduced as the 8th wonder of the hip hop world and the #1 hyped man in the hip hop business today. He's still as ugly as a bag of farts, as my dear departed father would say. I find that simile crude but apt in this case. I think Flav might be 80. We get a sneak peek of Flav's solo album, which came out on the Samhain and let me tell you - you can never go home again. Holy jeez, it's bad. Chuck D. just got his locks changed. It's horrific. I think Buckwild liked it but she's a stoned white girl.
Flav kinda flirts with La La, who might have been demoted to host this but no way in hell would she be staying at Flav's house and having to compete to kiss his mouth. Buckwild is brought up to address how Flav cursed her out when her time was up. I don't see why him dropping the "F" bomb was such an issue as usage of it was fairly prevalent. Buckwild's ghetto accent disappearing is addressed and she again chalks it up to being angry and scared. I don't know, I watch the clip again and one second she sounds like Remy Ma and the next she's Heather from Fresno. Flav mentions her accent took a left and then left. Right. Buckwild says you can ask any bitch she rolls with in the audience how real she is. I want to be one of Buckwild's rolling bitches. Will there be a contest? Krazy comes up, and she's dressed in what looks like Barbie clothes. Beautufl, cranky from a herpes outbreak, interrogates Krazy about her motives for being on the show. And Krazy finally admits it was to advance her singing career. And then the camera comes swooping out from behind a chandelier like bad variety show camerawork and La La lets her sing. Uh, if appearing on Flavor of Love advances your singing career you might want to enlist for seasons 3 through 156 because ouch, that's bad. Wire and Spunkee try to clap and offer support. Why does Spunkee have a Mohawk? Where's Payshintz? Did she really go back to China?
Deelishis comes out. She seems really sweet, that is until she hears New York's comment about her mother's plastic hair and changes her shoes to give chase later on. Deelishis and Flav have been separated for four months to keep the secret of who won. In the meantime, some other bitch he knocked up gave him his seventh kid. They don't bring that up. The girls seem to like Deelishis and applaud her and Flav. Nibblz lisps her opinion of Deelishis as a good woman with a hot ass. Porn has afforded her a better weave and bigger breastises. Same speech impediment, though. Deelishis says that she hoped Flav was for real and was delighted that he proved he was by picking her
And then it gets hairy. New York wafts out, looking as crazy as ever. La La looks like she's afraid people are going to run her over to get to New York. The producers rile up the rest of the girls by playing back every backstabbing insult New York emitted. Nibblz looks really hurt when she hears New York referred to her as "dirty" and "gutterbutt". I feel kind of bad for her. That was kinda mean. Bootz' lips are pursed and she's getting ready to pounce. And Deelishis, oh momma, Deelishis is making with the eye daggers. Especially with the yo momma has plastic hair comment. Everyone looks ready to pull out guns and start firing. New York keeps going on about how fabulous she is, and did I mention that when she and La La embraced Buckwild hurled her sneaker? First off, sneakers are expensive - don't waste them. Second, no one throws footwear at La La! She chews Buckwild out. New York looks like Marie Ghetto-nette as the tension rises. Deelishis changes into sneakers, the better to run after a crazy bitch to catch and beat down. La La tries giving every girl a chance to speak to New York but it degenerates into name-calling and profanity. Bootz does fire off that New York is a "drag queen". You can't disagree with her. And then it gets ugly. Someone calls New York a "f*cking stripper with no ass" and says she has a "wack-ass weave" and Deelishis starts advancing on New York and all hell breaks loose. Ghetto bitches start hurling themselves at the stage like when birds fly into windows. They keep bouncing off the security guards, and trying to work their way around to get to New York. New York is screaming that no one better touch her. Anarchy. New York is led off stage. Bootz gets past security and takes off, followed by Buckeey, Buckwild, and the sneakered Deelishis. Cut!
Post commercial, people have been kicked out. New York refers to them as animals and says that they are "fraudulent". Huh? We get a replay of New York's defeat complete with the crying, and the piss threat, and the thong flash, and the limo tears. Ah, memories. Flav comes out and New York acts like nothing happened and oh, Flav you so crazy. These people are such bad actors. They bullshit about how they have a connection, and Deelishis is brought back in and she's much calmer so maybe she had a drink backstage. She even apologizes to New York and they exchange some civil words. La La looks tired, like she just wants to go home and take off her Kevlar vest.
Flav explains that New York didn't win because she tried to act like the man, and he wears the pants in the family. And some lady in the audience cracks up so she's obviously getting her ass beat at home and liking it. We get some replay on Mrs. New York who still hasn't won her ghetto Emmy for her performance. She's still an evil bitch and you can see hell in her eyes. She has some words for Flav via satellite and Flav finds the control and mutes her after drawing a moustache on her visage and ruining a VH-1 monitor and you know they will take that out of his Flavor of Love 3 pay. Flav strangely refers to her as "Sister Patterson" so did she join a convent after leaving? Some butch lesbian in the audience finds this too hilarious, what is she doing there? Is this some sort of cultural exchange problem? Is a fat hoochie reality TV fan right now in the audience at an Ani DiFranco show?
New York is getting her own show called "I Love New York". *sigh* I'm sure Flav will be making an appearance to flog that terrible-ass album we had to endure a sliver of. Anyway, Deelishis and Flav make out, New York's eyes roll in her head because you know she's possessed by the demon Pazuzu, and La La cries because this is what it has come to. And I'm out. Thank you, Jesus.
JaneSays
Too funny. You know I must have been really looking forward to reading this if I scrolled back three or four days back to find you, J. Harvey. (I was out of town most of last week). Thank you for always capturing the madness as it really is!!