Written by J. Harvey
Previously - There wasn't a re-cap last week because J. Harvey was in Canada where he learned that a one-dollar coin is called a "loonie" and a two-dollar coin is called a "toonie". I love Canada. Since he's been back, he's also learned not to confuse the names of the Brady Bunch children in his Nip/Tuck re-caps and that excessive omelet-eating didn't aid waking nightmare Anchal in her quest to be America's Next Top Model. She went home.
The girls appear to be riding back from the last elimination, and are discussing Anchal. The majority of them feel that she had never been away from home, and it made her insecure, and there's going to be so much more food in the house now. Twin Michelle was in the bottom two last time alongside Anchal, and her sister Amanda was very concerned. Michelle tells us she's still confused. About her sexuality, about modeling, about why in God's name she was in the bottom two when she has way more spice than her boring sister. Then again, I was driving around Buffalo when all this took place and looking for the best wing place. So what do I know? I think we found it. I want to give a shout-out to all the girls down at Duff's. Those wings were delectable.
More of J. Harvey's "America's Next Top Model" recap after the jump.
Tyra Mail, people scream like the African Zuni doll that terrorized Karen Black. It's something about how Tyra acts the fool but wait until you meet her girl. They've already met Ms. Jay, and you're still the bigger fool, Ty. Jaeda misses her boyfriend. Jaeda and I have something in common, as we both have boyfriends and we both have penises but I'm pretty sure hers is way bigger than mine. Her penis, I mean. She's writing her guy a letter, and she's spared no expense. She's obviously taken a piece of paper out of the dot matrix printer and is scrawling, "I love you" with a failing magic marker. Is she trapped in a Chinese bakery? Do these girls not get an expense account so that they can afford Hallmark? What gives?
Melrose interrupts this moment, by being Melrose. She camera-obviouses that she knows the other girls think she's bitchy and speaks her mind too much. The editors illustrate this for the audience at home by inserting shots of Eugena and Jaeda silently judging her with hate eyes. CariDee (I'm in love with a stripper) and the twins go for a Jacuzzi and discuss the competition. CariDee has her hair up in a doo-rag and looks like a white pornographic version of Butterfly McQueen in "Gone With The Wind". She don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies, Miz Scahlett. Twin Michelle is still babbling on in her college discussion over the bong way about how she's not sure she wants this. CariDee camera-relates that she thinks that the contest is just another experience for the twins, and not a possible dream come true like it is for her. The camera than shows her sitting in the middle of the Jacuzzi and sort of rolling her eyes but in a panicked way like maybe the twins heard her voiceover, or can read her thoughts with their twin mind powers or a Jacuzzi bubble caught her by surprise in an intimate area.
The next day, the girls meet Tasha Smith who is an actress slash acting coach. Her shtick is that she taught Tyra what crazy is. We get a montage of Tyra acting "crazy" but it's more like "annoying". Tasha leads them through the "silly dilly" exercise, which is meant to break down all their dignity. CariDee starts off, and reminds the other girls that she has "spontaneity, bitches!" Except she pronounces "spontaneity" as "spon-ta-NU-ity". So I guess she wins. These challenges are getting deeper and deeper as Tasha makes them crawl on the floor and make ugly faces. I think we're seeing some serious evidence of the ANTM writer's strike right here. In fact, I think a CW security guard and maybe a CW lunchroom worker wrote this shite. Not that they aren't qualified to write this show.
Tasha Smith announces the next exercise is called "Dump" and I scream and try to fast forward. False alarm. It's basically an excuse for the girls to air their grievances and sob openly. It's completely awkward and there's a lot of wincing from the girls in the audiences. Melrose takes a different tack - instead of crying about how hard it is, she bellows about how dare any of the girls or the judges think any pictures are better than hers. Eugena deduces that Melrose is just "wrong". Right. But she's probably going to last longer than you, Genie. Jaeda cries in a statuesque manner about her shorn hair and how she used to be the prettiest trannie in high school and how her boyfriend told her to get over it and how she doesn't feel sexy and how hard it is to tuck sometimes.
CariDee is sick of people thinking "that models can't feel". I have to pause the DVR because of my chortling. Then she talks about how she tried to commit suicide, and "crazy" Tasha's head whips over to look at her so fast that she practically puts her face through the wall behind her. CariDee lets us know that for the first time she thinks she's doing something right by being in this contest. Tasha tells her that she's proud of her, and thinking - don't sue me, bitch. CariDee staggers away to sit in the hallway, and scratch her eczema and hopefully call the Samaritans.
Post-commercial, one of the twins and Tasha console CariDee. CariDee rolls her eyes at "Crazy" Tasha and her "Dump" exercise. The ANTM producers obviously had a pow-wow with Ms. Tasha after a girl talked about sticking her head in an oven. So Tasha insists it's "all for a purpose" so that girls don't start swan diving off the Capitol Records building. The girls are going to be making their own silent films. The prize? They get a role on One Tree Hill because Veronica Mars wasn't having it anymore.
Tasha yells directions at them during the filming, and my favorite is when she mocks Jaeda for her hair loss so any sympathy incurred during "Dump" was false. I stand corrected; my favorite is when Twin Whichever shows Tasha her coffee cup full of prune juice vomit. Nevermind.
CariDee is on the phone that night with her boyfriend, and wearing her doo-rag of truth again. The boyfriend asks why her day sucked. She tells him about the suicide revelation but in an odd manner. She answers every one of his questions by starting off with "Cuz..." in this weird staccato manner that makes her sound like a human telegram. I revealed today that I had tried to kill myself, stop. I'm wearing a lime-green doo-rag, stop. Can you send money, stop. We can't even afford greeting cards, stop. She tells us that nothing is holding her back now since she feels so liberated emotionally.
The girls get a Tyra Mail and a DVD of CariDee's silent film. I guess CariDee won the challenge. A suicide attempt will do that for you. She's cunning. Scenes of Tyra have been spliced into the film, and it turns out Tyra is actually in the next room and comes running out in a senorita bullfighter's girlfriend outfit. God, I'm so culturally aware. And the girls are off to Spain. And then some Spanish dancers come out and start performing, and Tyra feels upstaged so she starts dancing as well. God, you already have two shows, ease up. Let someone else have the spotlight for a second. CariDee is happy to be going, but then reveals her dream is to also be an actress and don't think that revelation won't be used against her in a future episode. Two girls stand before me, one who can't make up her mind about whether she wants to be a model or an actressssssssss.
CariDee shoots her One Tree Hill appearance, wherein she plays a slutty model. No comment.
The girls fly to Spain, and we get that weird ANTM plane graphic with the girls' photos emblazoned on the side and it's like one of those interim scenes in a low-rent video game. The girls drop IQ points on the way over as Twin Amanda says that the contest is just like before but with "less people". Right. Tyra Mail says that there will be some competition. It's a series of male models that don't speak a lot of English but bear souvenirs. So that's always nice. They go for dinner, and Melrose is still rocking that pink beret. Melrose needs to keep in mind that AJ was rocking one of those and she was sent rocketing back to working at Hot Topic.
The girls learn they have to shoot scenes with these male models for a commercial in their native language. This is all well and good until Jaeda's greasy pony tailed partner lets on that he won't be making out with her. He's fixing his ponytail and acting all matter-of-fact and all the girls start reporting that he's a bigot. I myself didn't catch him saying anything about Jaeda's ethnicity, so I assumed it was because he's gay but doesn't want everyone to know and Jaeda looks like a dude so his secret would be out. He has this irritating bored machismo thing going on that should earn him a beating. Maybe he should have participated in "Dump" to clear all this up through some emotional catharsis. The girls are aghast at his racism, and Eugena refers to him as "Nacho" which I hope isn't her showing off her OWN racism, and CariDee says that she would rather kiss Amanda than Nacho. Which I think might be a slight at Amanda. Because if she was saying she was a heterosexual woman who would rather go lez than hook up with "Nacho", why didn't she pick the lesbian twin? So obviously she was saying she thinks Amanda's ugly. J. Harvey - ANTM subtlety translator at your service.
The girls are staying in a lovely Spanish apartment. They rehearse their lines and discuss their impending commercial shoot. Twin Michelle lets us know that the last time she kissed a guy she was ten and it was behind a shed. And she just NOW realized she liked the ladies? Jaeda and Melrose model-klatch and Jaeda is all I don't want to kiss another guy and Melrose is like uh no, we're having a serious make-out "sesh" with the male models. Yes she said "sesh". Which is short for "session". Melrose doesn't have time for full pronunciations. Remember how she dropped the "issa"? Jaeda is loyal to her boyfriend. What? Oh shut up, Jaeda. That stance was novel back in Cycle 1.
Tyra shows up with her wack hairdo, and lectures the girls about why Barcelona is the fashion capital of....Spain. Jaeda reports that her male model doesn't like black girls, and Tyra glides over it by saying she just needs to change his mind by kissing him really well. Rosa Parks just did a 360 in her grave. Mr. Jay shows up and his shirt is so unbuttoned that I might vomit. Tyra exits and we get the first full shot of her and uh, they have her wrapped in this pink birthday cake dress which makes her look even bigger than usual. Cycle 7 is seriously the cycle wherein Tyra came out of the closet as a big girl and I say more power to her. It's just sorta jarring when they fall off that Victoria's Secret runway and land in a Mighty Taco.
Girls get made-up. And worry about the language and the kissage. The commercial is for Secret deodorant, and with that shirt open I hope Mr. Jay is using some. They have to confess secrets in the native language of Catalan and kiss guys. I have a secret. When I was running late for high school, I used to use Ri Ri Harvey's Secret deodorant in the medicine cabinet and I grew to love it. Hey, it was strong enough for a man, made for a woman and I'm a 'mo. It fits. I don't buy it or anything, but when I visit my Mom I sometimes look at it longingly. Er, sorry - back to the recap. The girls stumble through it. Somehow. Jaeda freaks. Melrose knocks it out of the park, per usual. CariDee looks hot as hell, but she can't work the language. So she says it all through her porn lips. The facial ones, you pigs.
Judging. Tyra says, "welcome to the judging room" in Catalan. She's wearing a tight leather bustier type thing because she obviously saw the dallies of her stuffed into that birthday cake dress. The girls' efforts are painful. CariDee acts like she's a stand-in for her own commercial. Nigel accuses her of acting "drunk" and "crazy". He's hoping it lasts so he can get some ass tonight. He even launches "unforgivable" at her. Nigel's riding the rag. The judges are pretty harsh. I think maybe the flight over had some turbulence or they ran out of vodka or something because everyone is a little stank. Even the normally docile Twiggy tells Jaeda that she "obviously can't act". Jaeda cries and lets them all in on the fact that her male model was a greasy pony tailed racist. They show about one millisecond of sympathy and then it's gone. Just like that! Tyra does tell her that the light did catch her face and she looked absolutely radiant in those moments. A tear-stained Jaeda doesn't appreciate the bone Ty Ty threw her ass, and rolls her eyes and exits. I think Jaeda is going to be packing her gaff and going home.
Backstage, the girls turn on Melrose because she A) kicked ass and B) told the judges she stayed up an extra two hours to practice. These walls are painted green with envy. Seriously, she's annoying as f*ck but she knows what she's doing and how to play the game and her pictures are better than yours. Deal. During the break, we get the actual commercial. And uh, black and white film is pretty sometimes! Right.
Judges air their menstrual opinions. They take a lot of time marveling over how bad CariDee was. Tyra felt "scared" by it because it made her wonder - "who is she?" Bitch, she's not applying for a nanny position or for CIA counter-intelligence! God, the drama!
Girls line up, and six is turning into five. Michelle looks particularly butch this session like she just pulled up in her F-150. Melrose is the top chick this go-round and Eugena shoots the other girls a look like "get this bitch, huh?" We're down to CariDee and Jaeda. Tyra lectures from atop her pedestal. CariDee looks like there might be another suicide attempt in the offing. But no, Boys Don't Cry is headed home.
Next - The girls bullfight, and CariDee looks to be in some trouble. Hide the razors and take her shoelaces.
"America's Next Top Model" airs on the CW Network Wednesday's at 8/7c.
rachael
hilarious as usual j. harvey.
i missed you last week!
ShortandCompact
Thank god you are back. Last week wasn't the same without you. Glad Jaeda finally got her tranny self sent home. They keep talking about how pretty she is but I don't get it. CariDee is my my favorite but I hope Melrose wins so the CariDee actually has a shot a getting work. The girls who don't win are the ones who get a shot. Mollie Sue just did Italian Vogue. She was kicked off 5th last year.
JungleRed
I was glad Caridee didn't go home. To do so well on the challenge and then so bad on the commercial was weird: she can act fine, she just can't speak Spanish. It was a silly challenge: they did it to the girls who went to Japan, too, the year Eva won.