Ugly Betty: "They're All Gonna Laugh At You," Daniel!

Papi is dealing with this hell mountain of an INS worker. She's demanding he produce some proof that he's been up in here since 1977. Oh hold on, and I'll grab my Woolworth's receipt from December 5, 1977. Stupid bitch. She's writing stuff and pissing Ignancio off. She informs him that he's formally considered to be an illegal immigrant, therefore a criminal. She leaves to grab a Smoothie to settle her nerves and Papi calls for a new caseworker.

The editorial staff meeting at MYW is a total hippie lesbian granola experience with throw pillows and beanbag chairs and herbal tea and lit votive candles and I'm surprised they're not braiding each other's bush. And a lit candle at work is a goddamn fire hazard. Sofia is leading the discussion of the first issue's stories and Betty ends up assigned to write an article about how she was a fish out of water at Mode. When Sofia tells Betty she's their fish, she smells her armpit. If that was an ad-lib, then America Ferrera is as quick as she is beautiful and wondrous. Sofia takes the opportunity to take Betty aside to start sobbing about how she thinks Daniel is cheating on her ass or not ready to commit with a ring. And Betty's determined to help. And uh, then Sofia dabs away her fake tears and is all smiles. Wait...is she...could she be...FAKING? Is this bitch faking? Are those tits of evil? Goddamnit!

Mark's in salmon. Me no likey. He's not thrilled that Betty's hanging out, peppering him with questions and his hair is so curly with that faux-hawk fringe at the back. Is he doing a play in his down time? Or cutting an album with his New Rave/post-electroclash band? He lets Betty know that his first impression of her was unintelligible hissing noises complete with a lean back in terror and hatred at her appearance. I don't even know how to quote that. But he does let her know he has horrible pictures of her as his screen saver. And Betty, who's growing some balls, informs him hers are of his pictures on dudecruise.com. Hah! And let me write down that website. What? Nothing.

Vanessa shows up in a top that looks like she's been shopping at Wet Seal and skinny jeans and she's floating like a freshly-f*cked feather. Mark does the whole, she's here, shark in the box thing that they did in Devil Wears Prada and I'm curious as to who ripped off whom. Vanessa is marveling that her cowboy took her outlet shopping and she shopped next to fat people and god, some of these lines are hot. The Ugly Betty writers should write this column. Vanessa is so afterglowy that she unfires some random guy. Now that's some hot lovin'.

Constance the INS caseworker comes by to say she's sorry Papi's looking for another caseworker. And then she goes berserk and says he can't trade up. This is cutesy and all but the only twist I could think of is if they fall in love. He's a grizzled Latino murderer, and she's a depressed overweight African-American social worker-type psychopath. It's a match made in Heaven and very now.

Betty's interviewing the love of my life Amanda, who confesses that she hated Betty at first and not just because of her bangs and bad eyebrows. She hated her because she wanted the Daniel's assistant job. She also takes the time to inform Betty that she sorta admires her for looking like a "yard sale" and not caring. How complimentary. Vanessa is on her chaise, and going on about Ted. And Mark is trying to get her interested in ousting Bradford, and their upcoming bridal issue, but honey, the sex was just too good. She doesn't care. Mark opens a gift box that came for her and screams and falls over. It's a stuffed armadillo from the cowboy and Vanessa is in love with it.

Daniel lets Betty know that he learned a lot from her, etc. Blah blah, Betty tells him that he's going to lose Sofia if he doesn't act. Betty is now an accessory to Sofia/Salma's deceit! The cowboy is having lunch with Vanessa and comments that he found the armadillo in Chinatown and that people in Chinatown normally have it for lunch which I can't decide is incredibly racist or not. But he didn't allude to dogs or anything, so maybe it isn't. Vanessa proposes that they become an official couple and says there's something she wants to share with him and she means her vagina and I'm sorta nauseous. He explains that he has three exes and is working on a fourth and he's spawned a ton of kids and not sure she knows what she's getting herself into. Seriously, Vanessa, run bitch run. The D can do many things but it can't erase kids and scary ex-wives.

Betty's out on the street and she sees Sofia with a big tall blonde gay hooker, and she's rubbing money on the hooker's face which is ewww. And Betty recognizes the trade as Hunter, Sofia's ex who is supposedly in Europe! And then Hunter rolls into a place called Boylesque, which I assume is a gay strip club. What is going on? And why did it take me this long to realize Sophia/Salma is evil? I'm so low functioning. Betty bitches to Christina about this gay new mystery and Christina is horny and intimately familiar with Boylesque and proposes reconnaissance. She mentions that Boylesque caters exclusively to women but with a name like that I'm guessing it has some guy nights.

Vanessa meets up with crazy burqua bitch and shows her pics of calf birthing in Texas. She's snapped. Burqua is not having it. And Vanessa's all well I got some dick in the box for Christmas and I don't need this shit. And Burqua tells her that they are now enemies.

Daniel takes evil Sofia home to have dinner with his parents and Judith Light's in this episode! YAY! She introduces herself as Daniel's recovering alcoholic mother and starts showing baby pictures and she's clearly drunk so I guess she's actually just recovering from sobriety at this juncture.

Papi and Hilda discuss Constance the Maniac Caseworker. Hilda advises that Papi play nice. Blah blah blah, I'm bored with this. I wish he would kill someone else. Betty and Christina hit Boylesque and it's everything you think it is. The last strip club I went to was gay and was a lot seedier. A man with a dreadlock wig and a pirate outfit on tries to act all sensual but I'm looking at his fatty tits and thinking - he's a stripper? Really? Anyway, everyone in the club is named Hunter. But when Betty describes the Hunter she's looking for, she gets directed to his "line". He's known as "Hunter 9" and I can only imagine what the 9 is for! Wink wink, nudge nudge! Huh huh? Sorry, I'll stop.

Dinner with Daniel's parents. Judith Light is throwing em' back and telling tales of Daniel in drag as a child. He blames it on his brother, who we find out, is dead and his status is making everyone uncomfortable. What was going on in that household? Child drag and dead brothers? We find out Sofia grew up poor and look how successful she is and what great boobies. Yadda yadda yadda. Poor little match girl, shivering on the corner. She's a LIAR! Liar! Why am I so defensive of Eric Mabius' character? Is it cause he's dumb as felt? Probably. Cute and dumb as felt. There's the key.

Hunter 9 is working, and Christina notes he's currently got a "bridge and tunnel bachelorette party" entranced. True dat. Hunter 9 is creepy because he's so Teutonic. God, I'm a reverse Nazi. I should be shunned. Betty gets Hunter's attention with a few well-waved singles and he comes over to thrust and explain he's a "buy"-sexual. Oh good lord. Christina is acting like a fat kid in a cake shop and all moist and ready to rock. I love her. She makes me want to visit Scotland.

It's after dinner coffee time at the Meade residence and they're discussing marriage and Judith Light looks busted up and trashed. And she starts listing off the various women Bradford has cheated on her with in their 38 years of marriage. But unlike other shows, people just kinda react like "eh, ok" and Judith takes a swig and all is well with this dysfunction. The rich really know how to handle things in this universe. Both couples start dancing and Judith inquires if their grandson will be named Paco. Alcoholism and bigotry is always a good combination. She should just keep doing shots and ask Salma to clean her house for her. Oh, and Sofia gets a marriage proposal out of Daniel. Back at Boylesque, Christina is in a conga line and Betty has called to warn Daniel and it's too late. So she just congratulates him. Ugh.

Vanessa rolls up on the cowboy with new shoes for him and Opera tickets and he dumps her. So that was temporary. Considering the travesty that this episode ends with, this Ugly Betty outing could almost qualify as depressing but the only character I really feel for is Betty so I just drink my Diet Pepsi and type away.

Betty confronts Lady Chesticles, who knows about Betty's fact-finding mission at Boylesque. Betty has this weird tank top sweater on and it's very binding. How did she get into that? How does she get OUT of that? Sofia drops the bomb that they're going to announce their engagement on Rise and Shine America that morning. And she orders Betty to stay put and finish her article. Down at Mode, Vanessa comes in like Darth Vader and fires people and looks tremendous. Getting dumped actually made her look hotter.

So Betty intercepts the article about the engagement from Wheelchair Lady and Bizarro Amanda. A big fight/chase take place with beanbag chairs and running and proof that handi-capable people are just as nuts as the rest of us. So the article turns out to be a list of ways that you cause a guy you don't even like to fall in love with you and propose to you within 60 days. We get flashbacks from every episode Sofia ever appeared in and it's revealed that it was all just a ploy to humiliate Daniel and grist for this article to sell magazines. EVIL BITCH!

Flash back to now. Betty is dragged off the set and shoved into that booth where all the directors sit and watch the broadcast. The name escapes me but it's always a great place for reaction shots in movie and TV shows when something goes wrong. Sofia and Daniel are interviewed by these two vapid morning show hosts against a green screen of the city, which is weird. These bitches can't afford a studio with windows? The bigger networks are laughing. And the male host was the only cute guy on that short -lived spin-off of General Hospital called Port Charles. Port Charles couldn't get any ratings so they introduced vampires and psychic powers and it was all highly ridiculous and it failed anyway. Uh, but I digress. So Sofia blathers on about MYW and how she and Daniel are engaged. And Daniel sits there like the cute vacant lot that he is. And then she pours a whole lotta piss on him by telling him that she doesn't want a relationship and it was all a scam and it's HIGHLY uncomfortable. Seriously, it's like Carrie. Bitches better run because Daniel's going to start telekinetically levitating shit and electrocuting people and burning the gym down and crucifying Piper Laurie with kitchen utensils. Control room! Is that what's it called? No, anyway Betty is in THAT room and all crying because she secretly loves Daniel.

Every character on the show is watching Daniel get humiliated on network TV and Judith Light starts drinking directly from the bottle. Me too, honey. I do that when I break a shoelace or the DVR cuts off the "next time on 24". I'm sensitive. Even Times Square is broadcasting Daniel's humiliation. That's harsh. Mark and Vanessa discuss it in her office and even Mark is shedding a silent tear. Vanessa throws away her armadillo and she's back in the evil queen taking over the company fold.

Sofia chases Daniel off the stage. And let me say, I don't think a man should ever hit a woman but in this case a slap might be in order. Just this once. She tells him that he deserved it because he dumped and humiliated so many women. But he brings up the salient point that he didn't dump them live on network TV. She tells him that actually has grown to care about him and this bitch is so defcon four crazy. He doesn't want to hear it and neither do we. He staggers away like a humiliated zombie and even Betty can't get his attention.

Daniel's in Bradford's office and Bradford says that he'll fire Sofia and Daniel's all you should sign her to a long-term contract. She's brilliant at selling magazines. He's got a point. Business-wise, she's a keeper. There's a touching moment when Bradford tries consoling Daniel. This episode is an emotional roller coaster. Betty Confronts Sofia Round 2. Sofia admits she f*cked Daniel over, but tells Betty she always believed in her abilities and wants her to stay. Betty is all take this job and shove it, Salma Hayek!

There's this whole bit where Papi gives Constance the caseworker a homemade gift and Constance is touched and maybe even crazier but I'm tired of this. And my favorite part of the episode occurs when a Daniel love-crazed Amanda beats the shit out of Salma Hayek with her purse in the elevator for hurting Daniel. YAY! Someone needed to.
And Betty goes into work the next day, and Mark tells her that Daniel has flown the coop. Which is gay or spy for he's gone. Gone gone gone and no one knows where the hell he is.

Next - What's under that burqua revealed!