Imogen Heap
Lisa Timmons: This is the outfit over which Imogen and Bjork were so furiously battling when they discovered there was only one left in their size in the store. Imogen won...but does anyone really win in that case?
J. Harvey: I would first like to point out that I'm a fan of Imogen's. Now that we've gotten past that, "Hey everyone! Look at me! I'm kooky! And British! And dressed like an asshole to get attention! Whee!" She would have needed that parasol, because if I was there I would have been throwing rocks at her for wearing that.
Cara Harrington: Is she auditioning for a revival of Seussical the Musical? What in the name of all that is holy is going on here? That is a mess of confused layers of the fashion decade that should be forgotten. I hate the 80's throwbacks that are the trend right now. I cannot wait for the recycled street urchin look to fade away. It wasn't hot the first time and it is just sad the second time around. I am not even going to question the frog.
Brace yourself, there are five more after the jump.
Mandy Moore
Lisa Timmons: How can Mandy look so morose after winning the Ancient Greek Heroes Wrestling competition?
J. Harvey: Her dress looks sponge-painted. This reminds me of every low-rent ice cream-parlor I ever went to. Low-rent ice cream parlors that are going to close soon have sponge-painted walls. Sponge-painted walls usually indicate that your business isn't doing well and they're going to be opening an Asian nail salon in your space momentarily. Hence, Mandy is soon to be replaced by Kim Fong Toy Fairy Nails Beauty For You(!) Salon.
Cara Harrington: Aww, I was so disappointed. Mandy usually looks so cute. Her misguided look encompasses the belt trend but, alas she is wearing my Grandma Yetta's drapes. Maybe if you stare at the dress long enough you are supposed to see sailboats or something. Is it just me or does she look a wee bit..."tipsy." Maybe she is just tired...or it's a bad angle....or a bad hangover.
Nelly Furtado
Lisa Timmons: There was a young lady who swallowed Joan Collins. I don't know why she swallowed Joan Collins. Perhaps she'll die...
J. Harvey: Remember on the later years of the Love Boat? When they had like a dance troupe with Teri Hatcher in it? And Ted McGinley took photos? And Lauren Tewes was a cokehad and left the show? This dress represents that magical era.
Cara Harrington: Nelly's dress is a trim away from being hot. I like that it is risky and she looks striking in white. The embellishment is a little much though. It slightly echoes a couture swamp thing with the bits hanging off the dress. She had me until, "hello feathery strings." She looks very elegant from the hips up and I hate to see her on the miss list.
Brooke Hogan
Lisa Timmons: As much as I think Brooke Hogan is a nice girl--I really believe that--I don't understand how she consistently looks like a drag queen doing Gwen Stefani. And not in a fun way, but more in a draped in hideous green satin way.
J. Harvey: Well, at least she's not wearing that stupid grille in her mowf. God, that made me want to shoot her with rocksalt from my shotgun. She still looks like a hooker trying too hard not to look like a hooker, though. You know that glamorous clutch purse contains condoms, lube, a straight razor, and plenty of fives.
Cara Harrington: Why is it that she constantly looks like a confused tranny from outer space? (My apologies to the lovely trannies out. You are fab.) Her poor dress is puckering and wrinkling everywhere. She is a fit girl and by no means chubby, but this dress is a drink of champagne away from busting at the seems. Perhaps it's the horrendous martian green that is accentuating every slight ripple on her. I am somewhat surprised that she wasn't wearing some nude Britney Spears bikini throwback. Her necklace is gorgeous along with her clutch. But that is the only nice thing I can find to say about this train wreck.
Hilary Duff
Lisa Timmons: Hilary has clearly discovered the as-yet well-kept secret of She-Ra's lingerie line.
J. Harvey: Still not spangly enough to attract attention away from those plastic chiclets.
Cara Harrington: I am actually ok with Hilary today. Maybe it's because I have had too much coffee already or that I am coming down from buzz. Either way, compared to her run in with the gold lame pants the other day...this is ok. I think it might be missing something. Maybe some confidence and Zoloft would do the trick.
Joan and Melissa Rivers
Lisa Timmons: Ah, I see, going with the whole distracting-via-hideous-outfits maneuver to hopefully allow the viewer to forget the horrific plastic surgery. Very clever, ladies.
J. Harvey: Why I'm queer.
Cara Harrington: I looked at this picture and shuddered. Melissa's bangs are huge! I mean they are so huge they distract me from her accessory that she dusted off and decided to air out. Speaking of Joan, if she just lost the jacket she might have something. The both of them together in the same photo is just plain icky. Icky, now there is my misspent time at night school paying off. They both just look as tired as they are. Oh, how the mighty fall. They once spent red carpet season in booths as fashion police. Now, they probably spend their afternoon reminiscing about the pre-Ryan Seacrest days and scaring small children for kicks.
Elaine says:
I don't even know where to start or what to say about Imogen. I can't use my words. Side note though, did anyone see her on the red carpet? I'm pretty sure she's about 17 feet tall. She's either a damn giant or there was a mandate that everyone on the red carpet had to be under 5 feet tall. Either way...damn.
Ldysunfyre says:
By calling that person "she" I'm assuming she's a tranny? She can't possibly have been born female.
Michelle says:
"J. Harvey: Why I'm queer."
Oh, J. You silly bitch.
actually... says:
I find Imogen refreshingly out there. All the award shows are so boring. Everyone's afraid to take risks for fear of being cannibalized. If you can't go crazy at the Grammy's, WTF's the point? Should their fashion be as equally mass produced, safe and test marketed as their music?
-A says:
...Speechless. Also I think I'm blind. My poor shins... My big question is. And no. I know Imogen is high, how can she not be? But Brooke. HOW in the hell does she end up looking so trashy? All the time. She could be wearing a potato sack and you'd still want to wash your hands after just looking at her. How the HELL does that happen.
mg says:
Lisa Timmons: Hilary has clearly discovered the as-yet well-kept secret of She-Ra's lingerie line.
PRICELESS!
leah says:
hilary looked so...DARK! she needs to go back to blond and cheerful, it was working for her
Bell Curve says:
I agree with all your observations except Hilary Duff, who actually looks pretty good.
margaretta says:
Someone please call Dr. 90210 he has an emergency...the Rivers women are melting.