America's Next Top Model: "I Have A Different Look - I'm Pretty." (2)

Mr. Jay has a spiel. Apparently, fashion is a very political world (it is?), and the girls are going to demonstrate this in their first photo shoot. Hopefully one of them will demonstrate how Dick Cheney blew his friend's face off. Each girl is given a political stance that they're going to symbolize. For instance, plus size Diana will be pro-gun. Maybe she can hold up a Lil' Peach at gunpoint for some Twinkies. Because you know they aren't going to be feeding her healthy ass around here. There's no love for the plus sizes. I would be laughted out of Tyra-Ville and onto the set of the Biggest Fat Ass or whatever that mess is called.

The girls are menaced by a creep bald perv coming out of the elevator from Fatal Attraction. Oh wait, it's just Nigel Barker. Nigel looks sickly. Kinda pale. Did he catch something from a Thai ladyboy? You know he's into girls with something extra. He, Jaslene and Cassandra are gonna get along REAL good. I don't care if he's at death's door, he's a very kinky girl. The kind you don't bring home to mother. Incense. Check. Wine. Check. Candles. Check. Anyway, he's handling the photog duties on this disaster. One ho says she has more determination that "any of these girls". Bitch, there will be job opportunities available after this show, this is not Children of Men or something. Apparently, Jael has a fever and a terrible cold. She feels it may affect her pictures. Let's get real, she's in withdrawal because she knows no one wants to see a potential Top Model sticking a syringe under her eyeball. That's not cute. Tommy Hilfiger ain't gonna play those changes. Neither's Cover Girl. Kathleen is playing the part of an anti-fur activist but unfortunately not getting the point as she thinks "fur makes you look hot". Riiiiggghhhtt? Mr. Jay and Consumptive Nigel both agree that Kathleen isn't catching what they're tossing. Seriously, you're ANTI-FUR. You DON"T LIKE FUR. What is the big mystery here? Step in this bear trap and let us skin you so you get it.

Jaslene is, as my roommate says, a girl who looks like a hot guy. Well, he ain't my type but I see where he's coming from. Nigel has probs with most of the girls. Apparently no one is really committing. I know, politics are scary. Every time I post anything on our website about a political figure I cringe because I know every uptight douchebag who can't turn off CNBC is gonna be all up on my jock about whatever I type off the cuff. Diana is in spandex bike shorts and uh, jumping around with her gun. It doesn't look pro-gun. It looks like second stage of the Lilith Fair on F*ck The NRA Day. Jael sucks as the pro-life chick, but does make a convincing religious fanatic. She should speak in tongues. To relieve her stress about her shoot going badly, she hula hoops. I thought she was sick. Negative Renee had the same feeling, but she's just a crankcase. So screw it, hula hoop your illness away, Gia I mean Jael.

Natasha tells us she prefers to just be a model and stay out of politics. Unless our immigration laws start cracking down on ordering snatch from Russia. Then you'll see her get involved, won't ya? Nigel opines that she doesn't seem to know where the cameras are or where the lights are coming from. She probably thinks she's been discovered as an illegal and the swat team's here, cut her ass some slack.

Butterbean Toothless and Cute Oprah are playing a lesbian couple getting married. Whitney has it down. She mentions she's familiar with the dyke side of things as she played women's basketball. Translation: she's been to where all life begins. Felicia, aka Baby Ty Ty, mocks Nigel's accent and almost convinces him she's a Brit. Didn't Caridee get in huge trouble last cycle for mocking Nigel? Someone should hold a rally. Cassandra has to pose as, uh, pro-meat? Honestly, she looks like she's getting some sort of sexual fulfillment from cheeseburgers. This shit just gets hokier and hokier.

They girls are taken in a pink hummer to their house, which is pretty dope. At one point, Jael and Renee swap some tongue. I think. I can't tell, everyone's running and screaming and knocking over lamps to get a bed. I'm sure there's one for everyone, ladies. Whitney watches the L.A. skyline and cries. Jesus, I'd like to thank the Academy. You ain't Jennifer Hudson yet, and this is not the movie of your live, Meredith Baxter Birney.

Negative Renee is Eris, Goddes of Discord as she tries to mindbang Sarah about her intentions for being in the contest. Sarah's all, how dare you, blah blah blah. It's Negative Renee, Sarah. Just mention that you're shocked she left her son behind to be here when the placenta is still warm and on the floor. She'll back down.

By the way, I had to withstand a long commercial for the search for the next pussycat doll. I'm horrified. The search for the next transsexual ho, I mean. I didn't actually see any pussycat dolls in the spot, but I'm sure one will pop up from a dumpster along the way. Godspeed, Pussies.

Tyra Mail is just a note. Why's everyone screaming? It's not an acceptance letter or Publisher's Clearing House. Oh good lord, that really annoying stylist Phillip Block is down at the Goodwill to meet the girls. He's so irritating and so is that poopstache he's twerking. Shave it. The girls have three minutes to put a look together. Some succeed, some don't. Negative Renee is pissed because Jael only shops at thrift stores so this is like her kingdom. We can't all shop at Target for our duds, Negative Renee. Stow it. Cassandra needs to ditch that weave, once and for all. Just pop the stitches before the makeover episode pops them for you. Anyway, the girls have to model their looks at an impromptu fashion show in front of the goodwill and their outfits will be bid on for charity. And the winner signs the check! Whee!

The goodwill audience is totally pulled off the street. Some people look a little touristy and some look a little lowdown. Jael wins it, hypodermics down. She owned that runway and she's really growing on me. The amount raised? $286.50. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHA. Oh, that's sad. Even Ms. Jay looks like she wants to be anywhere else. When Jael signs the check, she asks the other girls if they hate her. Negative Renee does. Or maybe it's the fact that she's still dilated and uncomfy. Negative Renee and Jael bond back at the house. Negative Renee is playing some sort of lesbian subtext game with her and I'm not having it. Jael admits that their relationship wears her out. Uh, haven't you only known her for two days? The constant baby pics must be tiring. Of the baby in the incubator. Later, Renee whines to Diana about how she hates everyone. Diana does that sad plus size model desperate for a pretty girl to like her thing. Diana, don't stoop to conquer.

Tyra is Rhoda-ed out for the elimination. Doorag and all. Ok, there she is - my wide-eyed condescending irritating bitch Tyra. Now, I can relax and enjoy. Twiggy's here. We get a brief glimpse of Caridee's Seventeen cover but then it's eclipsed by a Mandy Moore one. And hasn't Mandy Moore eclipsed us all at one time or another? Jaslene keeps licking her damn lips all the time like she's LL Cool J. Twiggy's dressed like a teacher in the Outback.

Jale is caught out there for wanting everyone to like her, and Negative Renee laughs about it. You evil, child-abandoning bitch. Jael says she was sick during the shoot. Tyra informs her that she has had a fever before and had to lead the judging panel and low energy means low sales. Hey Tyra, don't forget you almost killed a girl via hypothermia last cycle. And you weren't on your low energy low sales high horse back then, were ya?

Cassandra looks drunk and horny in her meat spot. Renee is told she looks scared. She talks about her son. Enough with the kid. Diana's photo looks terrible. It looks like some kind of new strain of Tai Bo or Deal A Meal. Kathleen is called on not knowing what her concept was supposed to be. "I know, rigggghhhtt?" she admits. HAH! I do think she's funny sometimes. Not intentionally. She's concerned they think she's slow as she reasons that fur is ok if the animal is already lying dead. Heh. No, really. She should write this column. Nigel says he's angry she didn't get it. Shut up, Nigel, you freak.

The judges confer on their nice new ANTM set. Tyra tells the girls that she is the least satisfied that she's ever been with the models at this point. Yeow. Ever? It's down to the slow one and the crackhead. The crackhead's staying. Bye Kathleen, rrriiggghhhtt? Kathleen lets us know that she's not gonna be a couch potato. Just fix that pronounciation or whatever the hell you call it. So my balls can come back out of my stomach cavitiy.

Next - The girls have a shoot in a school, and schoolchildren are endangered by the site of Sarah's bare breast. Oh, and Jaslene is ready to snap!