Observations of an Obsessive Compulsive TV Aficionado

The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency is a dream. The kind of dream where you wake up not knowing where you are and your arms and legs paralyzed and you are sure that something hideous is lurking in the dark corners of your room. When I watch this show, I am overcome with a similar feeling. When the models are on jobs, doing their thing, looking all hot and model-y, I am lulled into a feeling of peace and tranquility, and then the most frightening skeleton monster that instills fear into the hearts of models and agents alike claws itself into the scene with it's red-lacquered talons and matching lipstick and all hell breaks loose.

I have to tell you that I actually really like Janice, I think she's smart, funny and very quick-witted. I'm no psychiatrist (that doesn't stop me from writing prescriptions), but it's pretty obvious that Janice's strategy of "attack before you get attacked" stems from the years of abuse from many people from her father to ex-husbands, and I'm sure she has said that herself. This often makes her seem brash and obnoxious and sometimes downright nasty, but at the end of the day I do think that she has a big heart, although that's probably silicone too. She definitely plays up to the camera, so much so that I often feel like I'm watching a video of a child trying to impress her parents ("Look at me Mommy! Look at me!!!") but at the end of the day, the woman knows her stuff and she sticks to her word.

The models themselves are pretty ridiculous and run to extremes. There is Andrew, the most annoying kid in the world who won't stop crying and whining when his roommate gets picked over him pretty much every time. I just want to punch this kid in the head and smear his mascara all over his tear-stained face.

Then there is Stina, a girl who is absolutely stunning and an incredible model, but also somehow seems to be the nicest person you have ever met. Her goodness just seems to radiate out of her and eclipse all the other models because the clients pick her every time. She's like the girl in high school who all the guys had a crush on because she was so hot, but no one asked out because she was so nice and they all assumed she must have some super stud college football player boyfriend. Yes, that girl was me. OK, no it wasn't. But I did know girls like that and they really didn't have boyfriends and were just so nice to everyone and it was all very confusing.

For the most part, the models seem OK when interviewed on a one-on-one basis. In that setting, they can form sentences and seem to possess human emotions, but then you put them all in a room together and something happens. The girls all bunch together in their little cliques and eye up the other girls like spatty little cats ready to circle each other and hiss and spit, and the guys get all gay and take their clothes off and wrestle each other around. It's just weird. I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet.

But at the end of the day, they all seem to want the same thing: to be told they are beautiful and perfect and that Janice loves them. So she comes in, lips puffed, forehead immobile, yells at them, tells them the are not skinny enough, they need a haircut and are dressed like homeless people and the models slink off with their heads hung low, self-esteem crushed, quitting modeling forever, only to come back for more. And I am quite happy to do the same.