Why I Have A Man-Crush On Kevin James, By J. Harvey

(WENN)

So the kind people (or a kind person) over at Sony sent me the 200th episode of "The King of Queens" on DVD. It's the first of the seven last episodes. It came in this adorable little faux cardboard UPS truck. It's a show I sporadically watch. This is unusual because ,for the most part, sitcoms suck. They're not funny, and a laugh track makes me want to shove angry wasps in my ears. But I give "King of Queens" a pass because Kevin James is dreamy.

Why is Kevin James dreamy? He has a twinkle in his eye. A spring in his step. He seems like the kind of guy you want to have a beer with. He's the kind of beefy guy that usually only gets the pretty girl after his handsome friend treats her like shit. He wears backwards scalley caps. There was one episode of the show where he pole-danced. And he pole-danced really really well. I know I have a thing for the big dudes, but how many big dudes can flip around on a pole? Hot dayum! Why wasn't he in a thong? Others might blanch at the thought, but I think it would be fantastico. Also, he didn't let his TV wife Leah Remini's Scientology get in his face. You won't see him accosting bitches about Xenu in parking lots like that crazy Jenna Elfman. He's probably good at bbq-ing. He needs to have his shirt off more often. He's the quintessential linebackery American straight guy. The Sony rep said she'd pass on for me that a certain section of the gay community *hearts* Kevin. I should know, he sent an autographed photo to my crazy queer roommate. Who's 32. Don't ask. But just the fact that Kevin seems like the kind of guy who would say "Uh, nice! That's flattering!" and wait until anyone who would be offended is out of earshot makes me *heart* him even more. Oh, and Leah Remini is pretty funny on the show as well. She just needs to stop bragging that she knows Suri and J-Lo.

Anyway, my straight guy crush Kevin James is "The King of Queens" and his 200th episode is on CBS tonight at 9:30 p.m. et/pt.