Previously - Well, J. Harvey's an ass and didn't get around to writing last week's recap and people let him know about it. He's red-faced and should be forced to go down to his hands and knees and be soundly kicked in the bottom by each of you. Nevertheless, Negative Renee? Still negative. Brooke and her hoops? Sent home. Someone apparently was TOO frightened of her grin.
Jael's moaning about Diana and why did they take her away? Whitney reveals that Diana was her best friend in the house, and that she plans to beat all these "skinny bitches" for her. I'm not seeing it, but good luck. We get a flashback to Whitney sobbing her eyes out when Diana got booted. Was there some women's basketball going on between those two? I get the feeling that Diana was very any port in a storm if the person likes her. There's a Tyra mail about smelling sweet or something, and some of the girls (Jael) are jumping around and acting (Jael) crazy. Someone says, "girls, please" and Negative Renee brings her dark cloud of cranky evil into the confessional and tells us how she can't stand any of them. I'm put off by the fact that Renee has taken on this woman of the desert nomad look. She's got a headscarf draped loosely around her, but it's not dulling the savagery of her hatred. I do think she looks ready to build a hut out of some sticks she had transported on the back of a camel, though. She goes on about how much she hates Jael, and Sarah. And she feels Sarah was credited too much for the work she did last challenge. This segues into Sarah talking about how she got to see all of her frames in the last shoot because she won, and how much it helped her. I smell foreshadowing. She talks with Brittany by the giant horizontal Bic outside, and Brittany's hair looks like the dog has been sleeping on it. Seriously, couldn't someone have given her the weave manual?
The girls adjourn to some Indian restaurant where they're greeted by a giant Win, Lose, or Draw sketchpad bearing the name "Lesley Hornby". Dionne, who is swiftly becoming one of my favorites, exclaims, "I don't know who that is!" Dionne really takes a bite out life and finds it fresh and juicy. She would handle being a mail order bride better than Natasha does. Leslie Hornby, by the by, is Twiggy. And she walks out from behind said sketchpad, dressed like she's been working at Over Our Heads on "Facts of Life". We get a Twiggy retrospective and I must say, she was an amazing model back in the day. Anyway, the point of this session is that the girls are going to choose "supermodel secret self" names for themselves. Is that a concept that Tyra's going to market? And who better to assist in the choosing of a model alias than MELROSE! *terrified screams* She comes launching out, looking happy and refreshed from possibly letting Jeremy Piven inside of her. We get a great flashback to Melrose explaining her name to Tyra at the beginning of last cycle aka the "issa" conversation. Love it. And again - Negative Renee is dressing like a damn Bedouin. Why? Is she trying to steal Jael's Grace Jones in View to a Kill thunder?
More of America's Next Top Model Cycle 8 after the jump.
Written by J. Harvey
The girls choose names. Negative Renee tells us that she used to be called "Canoe Feet" as a youngster, and she's not going to go with that. Good move, Renee. What else were you called as a child? If your demeanor was similar to now, I can think of quite a few nom de guerres. Jaslene and Jael wisely keep their names. Dionne tells some messed-up story about a Hawaiian child without a mother or some shit and the kid's name was "Wholihay". Which is what Dionne names herself. Uh, ok. She reasons that it will always start a conversation. Yes, a conversation about how changing people's names when they came into Ellis Island wasn't such a bad practice. Twiggy and Melrose, who just stands there looking Jokerish, inform the girls that they're going to a "smart and sexy party". And they have to be eloquent, non-monopolizing of the conversation, witty and new name-using. This doesn't sound like the kind of party I want to attend. And with that, Twiggy's off to help Blair adjust the Maxine greeting cards in the rack.
The girls lounge in the hummer as it takes them home to get ready. Negative Renee spits some poison around, as she tells the girls how she can't wait to have some stimulating conversation for once. Jael asks her if she's been lacking in that department. Reenie responds by hissing "what does it sound like I'm saying". She's such a douche. God, seriously, she's like the embodiment of PMS. She's like PMS crossed with chicken pox. Pure evil. Jael is unafraid of her nasty, and says well it's because no one wants to talk to you, Devil Woman. True. And Natasha? She needs to untie that hair knot because her face is pulled back to Russia. Seriously, she's blocking any orifice that allows intake of oxygen. That can't be healthy. Back at the house, the girls are given a pre-party Tyra Mail, which warns against the "funky cold Medina". And Negative NeNe takes that to mean that it's going to be a trannie party. Is it because "Sheena was a man"? I'm glad Renee's up on her Tone Loc. I hope she's as equally well-versed in Young MC, Snow, and Jazzy Jeff. The party's for Smartwater, and I say to myself - didn't I just read somewhere that 50 Cent's thug ass is behind that? And yep, I read right. To give ANTM credit, there's actually some big name trash at this gig. Paris, Nicole, Bill Maher, the Mowry twins (one of whom is looking drag racey so I guess that would be the non-CW series starring one) and that Jason tool from Laguna Beach who just got tossed in the clink in Seattle. You've also got that himbo from "Desperate Housewives" who's diddling Paris, and a few others. Whitney's top is too binding and it looks like her bombs are gonna burst. Duck and cover. In a white room behind the pool, Tyra's manager Benny Medina sits with a consortium of supposedly important people waiting to receive the girls. Benny is a harsh taskmistress. Gay and catty and blunt as a spoon. Benny starts sending out a greasy looking boy assistant to bring the girls back individually so he can berate them and make them feel bad.
Whitney is brought back into the white room of pain, and we learn the identities of Medina's posse. I only catch a few, but one of them is original supermodel Beverly Johnson. Whitney tells us that this is "some real stuff". Funky Cold Medina isn't feeling her. Meanwhile, Jael is out by the pool annoying the SHIT outta Fitty. And considering his recent weird remarks about Jewish people, I can't say I feel bad. Especially since Jael is Jewish. I want to warn her, he doesn't like the Jews, Jael! But she can't hear me. Though it's funny, despite the language barrier, even Natasha knows Jael is acting a fool.
Brittany is summoned before Medina, and her hair is....jesus, I think my Dust Devil would have an issue. We get a quick shot of Brit with her hair all jacked up, and I can see that it's slowly driving her 'round the bend. Seriously someone come to her aid. It's like when they used to make adulterous Chinese woman carry dead dogs on their backs. Is she being punished because her first photos were so good and she made it look easy? Dionne comments on Jael still jumping on 50 Cent, like a particularly crackish mosquito, and then goes before Funky Cold. And plays the cry at the mention of the child I left behind card. Look, didn't these people know how long this stint was if you did well? They hired babysitters, right? Some of the people in Medina's retinue are uncomfortable with tears. It's not like she wet herself, you chi chi bastards. Medina gives her his Hermes scarf to dry her eyes with. We get it, you have money. Show-off. It's still not gonna rise you above "troll", honey.
Meanwhile, Jael informs 50 Cent that she's half-black. And half-Jewish. He responds by tossing her ass in the pool. Rather violently. Like he HURLED her ass in the pool like she was a hooker who didn't have his cut and the pool was a parking lot. Granted she did tell him that she was "blewish" (half black/half Jew). I might toss someone in a pool who said that. Remind me not to piss 50 Cent off, though. He doesn't seem too tightly wound. Or too mature.
Post-commercial, Jael and what look like her vinyl pants get tossed into the water in flashback. Natasha, who I guess thinks it would fun to splash about in the water, no(?), jumps in after her. Dionne asks, did he just throw her in the f*cking pool? I love Dionne. She's the voice of the common woman. Jael gets out of the water, and I guess everything's cool because they have a waterfight with his SmartWater. Considering his comments about Jews, the water isn't helping him very much. Jael reasons that Fitty likes music so she likes him. Hitler had a dog, Jael. Negative Renee sorta has a point when she's like clients are gonna think you can't handle business. Jael and Natasha are summoned before Medina who calls them "messes". Some hag on the left side of the couch agrees. She looks like she needs to be thrown into the pool if only to relieve what can only be advanced dryness in the 'gina area. A young photographer chick agrees as well. I can only think she's among these older types as some kind of human sex slave trade issue. Rich people are twisted.
50 Cent might be into dudes. I say might in case he can read this. He seems very entranced by Jaslene. Jaslene does look pretty tonight. Hot men without shirts are starting to dive into the pool, so Jael started a movement. Hopefully they can all pass the pipe afterwards. Paris and Nicole Richie get in the mix. The less said about Paris the better, although even in a cameo-type situation she's doing that retarded "sexy" head tilt thing. Which makes me think she might have one leg longer than the other or scoliosis or something. Nicole Richie (obviously bored of the usual characters) hops right in and shows her evil shit-stirring side after Negative Renee tells her that she doesn't like any of the girls. "Which one's the bitch?", Lionel Richie's adopted daughter asks. I almost love that. In fact, I think I've asked that question before. Damn, I'm a shit-stirrer. Renee, of course, sells out Jael - who is dancing in her wet vinyl by the pool. I don't think any of Felicia's lessons helped. Nicole shows her propensity for bitchcraft very simply by telling Jael exactly what Negative Renee just said about her. Then she probably went and took some pills, smoked some dope, drove home the wrong way on the freeway, and banged one of the guys in Good Charlotte. And keep in mind this is just one night! Imagine the amount of lives she destroys in a week! Granted Jael does look like she's trying to pick Nicole up, so maybe Nicole was flattered when a shaky crackhead model was trying to get up in her business.
Jael, whom I love more and more, goes home completely intent on calling Renee's ass out. Everyone's in the kitchen, wearing coats and frying meat. Are they having some kind of indoor tundra bbq? I'm confused. Jael calls Renee on what she said, and Renee flat out lies and says that Nicole asked who the crazy one was. So I guess Nicole Richie got sold out by Renee as well. Damn! Who knew how far up the ladder Negative Renee's treachery could climb? Jael, very matter of factly, calls her jealous and says she's so beautiful that it's a f*cking waste her not having a brain. HAH! Damn. Whitney and her boobies jump for joy at the drama. The thing is, I truly believe Renee isn't just the victim of vindictive editing. Jael seems to get along with EVERYONE, and go out of her way to be cool to people. So I'm guessing Reenie is just as stank as she's portrayed. I can smell her stank from here. Get the Febreeze. The battle continues, and at one point Renee asks the other girls in the kitchen if they hate her as well. You can hear crickets. Jaslene merely stares at her roast, and wonders if the gaff she's wearing to tuck her business is too frayed for daytime use. Renee, you're about as popular as scabies.
The next photo challenge is to embody your "supermodel secret self" name and show four different sides of your personality. And it comes out looking like a baseball card, but gay. The girls get to direct their own hair and makeup. Jael feels freed by this one. Because she was so introverted before. And seriously? Dionne? Stunning. The chick is down-to-earth and stunning. I seriously have no clue who's going to win this cycle. There's some real competition here. Oh, and the winner of the party challenge was "Wholihay", and she chooses Jaslene and Whitney to be her co-models in a Keds campaign that's going to appear in Seventeen. Though I'm kinda miffed that Dionne aka "Wholihay" won with the crying jag. But hey, whatever works.
Jaslene tells us she was raised by a pack of drag queens. Literally. "Raised by" = "Born of". Mr. Jay tells Natasha that her "sexy look" resembled her smelling dog poo. It turns out that once she's insulted, "Nata" (who I swore said she was "Ta-Tas" at one point) gives great pictures. Jael's in makeup, telling the artist that Negative Renee is a "fake bitch". On the contrary, I'd say she's a very real one. She doesn't really hide it that much. She lied last night out of self-preservation because she didn't want you to smash drug paraphernalia in her mug.
Jael is a "martyr of the universe" and she's kicking ass at her shoot. Mr. Jay feels that she's channeling Grace Jones. Which is cool, and up her alley. There's a whole downbeat for Sarah in which she's once again faced with the whole "posing accusation" and I see it but I don't know how I'd change it, either. There goes my friggin' modeling career. Brittany's hair is...oh god; I don't have the words anymore. Someone help her. Mr. Jay tells her that her "devilish" looks "confused". Heh.
Renee looks hot, and her hair is twerkin' it. She feels that Jael is off to the side giving her looks. Mr. Jay tells her that her "dark side' looks like her "sexy side". There's a shock. She probably has ball shockers in her nightstand. The Keds girls are off to the shoot. Dionne finds that Benny Ninja's shoe vogueing training paid off. YAY! Bring Benny back! Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Pause. We get to that part of the cycle when things are tense so Tyra stages a sit-down. She's got these huge fake lashes on her face and they're scaring people. The salient points of this encounter session are A) Tyra realizes that Brittany needs that weave out before she starts suing and that B) she needs to have every girl in the house tell Renee why they hate her. HAH! Well, Renee started it by saying she feels like an outsider. Which causes Dionne to crack up in the corner. Bless her heart. Oh, poor Renee. Paying for the bitchery. Renee and her gold eyeshadow aren't ready for this sitch. She says something about how her husband's on the beach and her son's at the mom's, umbilicial cord, fresh placenta and all. I don't know. It's kind of thin to me, but I'm harsh and judgey. Oh, and Tyra lets us know that "death happens". This is in relation to Jael mentioning her dead friend. And I think it illustrates what a ray of light Dr. Ty-Ty Banks is.
Sarah's on the phone to her Mom and saying she thinks she's probably going to be in the bottom two this go-round. I'm gonna have to back ya up on that one, Diane Arbus. Judging. Tyra's wearing the same outfit that she wore in the group therapy session. Did they shoot it right before? That had to be psychologically damaging for some people. If Renee got bounced, it could have led to self-immolation on her husband's beach. As Tyra introduces the judges, they're all giggling. Ms. Jay musta been acting crazy or maybe they had to overhear Benny Medina booking a colonic or something on his cell.
Jael's gay baseball card rocks. Seriously, she looks like a Eurythmics album cover. Natasha rocks hers as well. Good for her! I'm shocked she's hung in there this long. But screw English! Whitney's sticking out her tongue in hers and she's a pretty girl, but it looks like a tentacle and I need it to be gone off my screen V. Brittany's weave ponytail has rigor mortis. It's acting of its own accord. It's going to hurt someone. Ms. Jay is convinced that Jaslene looks like Janice Dickinson. Ms. Jay acts like he might have the vapors over this. Tyra tells Dionne that she should have "Brown" as her name instead of "Wholihay". Why not just go the whole hog and call her "Negress"? Tyra's weird, man. Wholihay Brown, says Ms. Jay. He's funny.
Nigel says that Natasha makes wrong the new right. That's pretty glib and I give him props. I still think he's a diddler, though. Benny Medina says that Negative Renee has some dirty sophistication. I've heard of dirty rice, and dirty towels. But sophistication? Easy there, Sherbet. I seriously think Brittany not knowing how to care for her weave killed her mid-game. Nigel refers to one of the girls as a poser. Because he's actually Richard Avedon. Dick. Ms. Jay is discussing the "Wholihay" phenomenon and starts making clicking sounds like a Pygmy would make and it cracks my shit up. And by the way, Nigel's real smile is as scary as Diana's if not scarier. Why isn't his ass being bounced?
Tyra's in full spider eyelashed tard mode. You know "eight of you stand before me..." and all that jive. Jael wins this piece and Jaslene looks perturbed like maybe she didn't take enough hormone treatments for this go-round and is kicking herself. Whitney and Sarah are in the bottom two, and people start crying. Jael looks wide-eyed like someone just put a gun to her back and she's in danger of being shot if her boyfriend doesn't give them the disk they want with the code on it. Sarah gets the axe.
Sarah cries and let's just say that Cover Girl is no longer waterproof in this happening. She looks like a chimney sweep gave her the backhand. Tyra tells her to trust her beauty. Which sounds kinds arbitrary and like she's running out of shit to give as advice. Sarah feels that she's opened up here more than she's ever opened up and she's really disappointed. Hey, at least you're not Negative Renee's abandoned baby.
Next - The twins are back! And lesbian Kim from cycle whatever gets down in a limo with Dionne! Who's not thrilled because she doesn't even kiss her own damn boyfriend!
Casey says:
"I can smell her stank from here. Get the Febreeze"
Classic J, i love it!!!
Boo says:
"She looks like a chimney sweep gave her the backhand"
"Whitney's sticking out her tongue in hers and she's a pretty girl, but it looks like a tentacle and I need it to be gone off my screen V"
"She talks with Brittany by the giant horizontal Bic outside,"
"And she walks out from behind said sketchpad, dressed like she's been working at Over Our Heads on "Facts of Life"
...there's just too many. One of your best recaps yet. You've redeemed yourself from last week, but don't let it happen again. kisses.
Bunny says:
LOVES it!!
Caroline says:
One of the best recaps ever. I was dying! J. Harvey, you really make me want to watch Top Model with you.
Joya
V!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my GOHHH!!! LOL!
Desiree says:
I don't know if it's because I'm drunk right now, but this recap had my ass cracking up. You're my hero J.