America's Next Top Model: "What The F*ck Is Wrong With My Baby's Head?"

Scraggly looking hair queen Christian Marc shows up to relieve Brittany of her horsehair burden. Seriously, ever since we got the close-up of Brittany's tortured scalp - I've been itching for her to get rid of it almost as much as she is. Before his arrival, she's running around annoying people by complaining about it. Whitney says that she's had weaves since she was 12, and that they never troubled her that much. Well, yeah, Dyke-cicle - since you were 12! Listen to what you said! This bitch doesn't know shit about carrying a weave! Anyway, the weave is removed and it looks nast as hell. Seriously, it would be like if I had Nana's afghan sewed to my head. It makes me break out in hives just thinking about it. Then again, if it made me look pretty - I'd deal. I think beauty should come with a little bit of pain seeing as it opens, oh I don't know, EVERY DOOR IN THE WORLD.

They let Natasha read the Tyra Mail again. Please stop doing this, even if it's with a sense of goodwill. Reading is not fundamental in this case. You are not the ones to improve her linguistic skills. It's like watching that "Punky Brewster" episode where the retarded elementary school cleaning lady collects stickers and gets made fun of by the mean kids. In that case, she ended up being a violin virtuoso. But I'm talking about the first part, where she's just being herself and the kids are making fun of her. And I don't see Natasha carrying a fiddle. It turns out the girls are going to be acting. God, I HATE this challenge. It always makes me uncomfortable. Though I am pleased with a shot of a lily complete with pad floating in the pool outside. What a delightful visual respite before the awkwardness. Really, who knew you could find beauty, real beauty, amidst all the pain? Oh, yeah and Dionne and Natasha commiserate about how they miss their kids. This will become important later. Ok, true, I don't know if anything involved with this show qualifies as "important" but it is a plot point.

The girls enter a large ornate theater and are greeted by "Sister, Sister". Mowry something? I assume this is the one that actually still HAS a job because she's on the CW. Seriously, I can't think of a show that I wanted to watch less than "Sister, Sister". Ok, maybe "Grey's Anatomy". "Sister, Sister" was probably more palatable. Was this why the Mowry hags were at Fitty's party? To preface this mess? The CW is so lowdown in their shilling. Jaslene is excited, and says so in her deaf voice whilst wearing pink winter accessories. I was taken aback at first, because I didn't think L.A. got cold enough for a hat, scarf and mittens but then realized it was probably for the impending mortification the girls were about to endure. Jael is dressed like Sgt. Pepper. Seriously, she's so wacky. She blew her mind out in a car. Jaslene might actually be deaf because she's hanging on every word Mowry is saying and not seeming to get it. Why doesn't she just say so? Didn't a blind chick use her faux-blindness to advance one year? Use everything you've got. Use the deafness or the penis, at least. You've got these tools, apply them!

Mowry makes the girls choose funny hats and then act out the personalities associated with them. Natasha is a witch, and she Baba Yagas it for all she's worth. Her interpretation of it is scary and high-pitched. Dionne and Whitney both slut it up. Mowry wants them to touch their bodies more. Easy there, Kristy McNichol. Brittany is a jester and does a painful-looking somersault and squeaks and sticks her tongue out and is it all really worth all this humiliation? Someone's gonna show this at a party several years from now and you're gonna wish you drank more. Jaslene is in a Mardi Gras like headdress and drags it up and the less said about that obviousness the better. Renee is wearing a bonnet of sadness and goes all out. She's got the eye of the tiger, that one. I didn't know that particular hat meant sadness but what the hell do I know? I thought it meant butter churns and no deodorant or electric light.

They're all given winter clothing to wear and a script to memorize. I'm sorry, Natasha! They each have to play three model characters - melodramatic, perky and diva. "Perky" might be an issue for some of these negative creeps, but the other two are gonna be a cinch. The dude who plays "Pedro" in "Napoleon Dynamite" must have a major condo payment coming up because he's up in here. I can't tell whether he's family or not. By the way? Fuck voting for Pedro. Sorry, someone had to say it. Good movie, but let it go. The girls will be acting opposite Pedro in each of their scenes. Dionne rocks a Jamaican accent despite not speaking "Jamaican". Wait, does that make sense? It might, I'm sorry - I'm really white and ignorant.

Renee goes full on out. Seriously, she needs a statue of herself in Philadelphia. Jaslene screws it up and it's endless. Seriously, this improv/acting thing should only be done by trained professionals. As an example, I was in "West Side Story" in high school. And I was horribly miscast as the old guy who owned the drug store who tells Tony Maria's dead and gets to slap him. Anyway, during our first couple of rehearsals, our drama teach Mrs. Smith felt it would be good if I used an accent with the character. Huh? Uh, accent? I can barely figure out the correct way to masturbate and you want me to act like I've been to the Actor's Studio? She was the kind of woman who used the word "persnickety" a lot. Like "that persnickety scrim" or "this blocking is going to be persnickety". So I tried an accent, I couldn't even tell ya what it was...ah, maybe "Blewish"? Anyway, it was the longest five minutes of my life. Afterwards, a student who I didn't even know told me it was the most "painful" thing he'd ever witnessed. Seriously, I wanted Death to claim me on a big shadowy horse. Anyway, so I feel for these girls.

Anyway, Pedro picks Renee as the winner. And Renee picks Dionne to share in the prize with her. Which are t-shirts. That say vote for Renee and Dionne. And wow, the prop masters on this show are lightning quick. Renee picking her took Dionne aback, but she decides to go with the flow. Jael tells Dionne that she's easily bought. Jael should write this recap. All the girls look really homeless. But ready for a snow squall.

Renee's transformation (if it's real) might be complete. She's grateful she won a competition. She's all smiles. Jael feels she's taking major steps but you can tell she's not convinced. Just like she's not convinced when she someone tells her that they're not holding. The doorbell rings. Who is it? Renee and Dionne's real prize - their families. Yay! Renee's husband looks ok for a guy who lives on a beach, and so does that baby. It must have been a fairly new dumpster she left him in. Dionne's mother, sister and baby roll up - the mother literally because she's in a wheelchair. She's partially paralyzed because a former boyfriend shot her. Damn! But before we can feel any kind of sympathy, Dionne thankfully defuses it by saying the first thought upon seeing her baby was "what the f*ck is wrong with my baby's head?" HAH! Dionne needs to write this recap. Forever. Apparently, Dionne's sister only has boys and jacked up the child's braids or something. Dionne's first act is a swift hair repair for her child. Cool. I *heart* Dionne. She's real but not trashy. Why does Jaslene keep wearing her hair to the side? It's disconcerting. Is she trying to remind us that she's deaf? She's certainly reminding us that she's a lithe man. Both children are adorable, and Natasha goes batshit. She at first says that she gets that these particular families were invited because the girls won. But then doesn't seem to get it, and kinda snaps her tether. She's on the phone to the guy who bought her, and he doesn't sound that sympathetic. He's probably going through the catalog and looking at the next model. Yelena! Is he the baby's Dad? What a tangled mail-order web this is.

Tyra mail, and Natasha's still bullshit. The mail is something about the ghosts of the past. The next day, Mr. Jay looks particularly plastic and manga. I'm waiting for him to hop on his rocket cycle and zoom off to Neo Tokyo. He notes that Natasha looks pissed. She doesn't do that thing where someone's like "no, I'm ok
". She's more like "yeah, angry, no?" Then we get a commercial for Payless Shoes in the middle of the episode. The girls will be modeling these. As a friend of mine pointed out, this show's sponsors have gone waaaaaay downhill. Seriously, next week it's going to be Hostess Cupcakes and the Swifter. "Ok, girls - you're enjoying a delicious cupcake and mopping up the crumbs!"

For the photo shoot, the girls will be re-enacting famous ANTM scenes from the past. Oh, fun! Bre from Cycle 5 is there, and life hasn't been easy. Jaslene is playing her bullshit about her lost granola bar. I think Bre could use one right now. Jaslene's really beautiful when she's all done up, man or no. Meanwhile, Natasha is complaining to the stylist that someone thought maybe she didn't miss her babies like the other girls, no? Enough.

Mr. Jay and Natasha have a professionalism-klatch. Natasha can't hide her feelings; Mr. Jay needs her to put them aside. She's playing the chick that had the flesh-eating bacteria on her face. Who looks fine now, even gorgeous. And Natasha pretty much hits a homerun. She should be denied her child more often.

Whitney is the model from Cycle 1 who didn't want to pose nude, except she is. I don't get it. We get a flashback. I wasn't watching when this mess first made it on the air so hearing a long-forgotten model counsel "if you don't stand for something, you're going to fall for anything" is completely inspiring.

Jael watches the model she'll be emulating, who is the one who fainted during judging. Reacting to the girl fainting, Jael says, "wow, she's awesome". Uh...huh? Yes, Jael is impressed by a girl losing consciousness. Which, well, consider the source. Jael has probably perfected falling down lifeless. And she probably manages to do it and not smash any glass pipes, or syringes or any other works she was using. Jael plays the fainting chick, but makes it sorta sexual and they have to ask her to stop groping the model who looks a little put-off. There were no junkies in her cycle.

The TWINS! Yay! I love these girls! They're so cool, and interesting looking. They pose with newly weaveless Brittany and I'm predicting a blockbuster. And one of my favorite models, Joanie, is back to pose with Renee as a dentist. Re-enacting her own tooth travails. Joanie took the most AMAZING pictures. Her and Snow Black were neck in neck. Joanie should be huge and I don't know why she's not. And we come down to my favorite portion of this challenge. Dionne has to pose with skate-dyke Kim. YAY! Kim and her inflated, boyish ego! Dionne lets us know that she "ain't no f*cking lesbo". Ordinarily, if anyone else said this, I'd be irritated. But Dionne doesn't mean any harm. She's just kinda naïve about some things and earnest. And by the end of the steamy limo shoot with Kim, she's eating pussy left and right. She admits she liked it. Who wouldn't? Kim's hot! I think we all have woodies.

At the house that evening, everyone does the customary "who's going home tomorrow" talk. Jaslene is bundled up like an old woman by the World's Largest Cigarette Lighter. Those female hormones can steal body heat. Someone says it will hurt her heart when someone's booted. Jael gives the look that we all want to give that fake heifer.

The next day at judging....what the hell project is Tyra working on? She's got the gypsy outfit, the do-rag and the spider lashes again. What is she shooting? Twiggy circa 1966 in "Fiddler on the Roof"? Speaking of Ms. Hornby - she looks good! I think she's been spending time in a tanning bed or at the Clinique counter. Good for her. Embrace L.A.! Tyra's posing for the whole intro. What is going on with her? Does she have some medical issue? Someone do some fact-checking.

The photos have been done up in comic book style, which is a program that comes with Macs called Comic Life. And there's no need for it. It doesn't fit the re-enactment theme. No one here was a superhero. Did someone just get whimsical and want to send Steve Jobs a televisual handjob? Whitney's up first, and as predicted - flops. See ya, Whittel.

Brittany's twin shot is gold. Though Tyra tells her to do something with her newly liberated hair. Seriously, she didn't even comb it now that she's free. God, get a barrette or something, ragamuffin. Natasha rocks the party. Dionne is told she's wearing too much "material" in her outfit this week. But I would like it better if we pronounced it as "maturrrial". I love you, Ms. Jay. Dionne's my favorite girl of the cycle. Jael comes up with this long, long cracked out, dude I'm so high when we're deep story and clever editors make it look like the judges are falling asleep. The boyfriend wants to know if their reactions were shot afterwards. Probably. This show is as fake as that Tribble that was on Brittany's melon. Tyra instructs Renee in how to make it ugly, but pull it back. I think a lot of people should take that suggestion. Make it ugly, but pull it back. Renee's also told that her ass is too old looking sometimes. Notice that Renee did manage to get me to drop the "Negative" in front of her name. So either she's improved, or I'm a simp.

Judges judge. Twiggy has a brief conniption over how she hates Jael and hates it even more when she speaks. Twiggy needs to have a little more sympathy for drug-users because you know there was some good shit flying around Swinging London. But seriously, sorry I mean "surrrrrriously" (I love you, Ms. Jay), what the hell is Tyra dressed as? She's also got a miniskirt on, and showing off those ham hocks. I need to know what project this is. So I can immediately not support it.

Dionne wins. Natasha's second, and bitches are gnashing their teeth that immigrant trash is still sticking it when it counts. Seriously, they should dangle her child in front of her more often. It gets results! Jael and Whitney are in the bottom two, and you know Cute Oprah Women's Basketball Big Boobies is goin' home. Brittany's already crying. Maybe her scalp still hurts. Jael is told she needs to speak more eloquently and instructed to try it right there. And what did we learn about improv earlier? And it sounds nothing but like when a junkie hooker is before the judge in night court and trying to get custody of her baby so she can sell it for more drugs. Whitney says she honestly didn't believe she'd be eliminated. Guess she doesn't watch this show. A plus-size model will win around the time I lickalotapuss. Whitney leaves us with her statement that she's going to try acting. Wow, so she was the one full of shit the whole time! Good to know.

Next - The girls practice interviewing skills, and Jael takes the opportunity to piss off Dionne. Oh, and it's time for the girls to fly far far away. Six left! Menopausal behavior in a foreign land!