America's Next Top Model: Pigpile On The Mail-Order Bride!

Natasha is giving oral to her cell phone. That's all I can describe it as. Or wait, maybe she's trying to snort it. Either way, the rest of the girls are all freaked out and laughing. We can only see Natasha's nose on her phone, her hair and her upper torso. Is she Boxing Helena? Natasha's husband sounds like every television or cinematic serial killer ever. He's calling from upstairs and she'd better get her ass out of the house! On second thought, he sounds like Lisa Simpson's sax mentor who died from "The Simpsons". Natasha is so wacky that dating a dead cartoon character wouldn't be out of her league. Renee takes back the Negative title when she tells us that Natasha is "crazy" and "weird". And you're "two-faced" and "bitchy" but we didn't say anything. Natasha acknowledges that everyone's always judging her and the other girls seem very into her behavior. She says that she's strong competition. I feel like she watched a lot of movies from the 50's and appreciates the American Dream, and that she's Katherine Hepburn and will fly a plane just like a man, damnit! Natasha looks like hell when she isn't being photographed but so do most real models so that's probably a plus. The girls go to the rain forest for their next challenge. That's what it looks like! Does Australia have a rain forest? Who cares, just avoid Wolf Creek. Jaslene tells us that Natasha is wearing wedge heels while traipsing over rocks and twigs and to give it a rest, girl. She is so grooming herself to be a drag queen troop leader later on in life.

They meet a couple of Aborigine people, then a whole tribe! The girls are going to have to use ancient story-telling and dancing techniques to put on a performance for the tribe and for this scary ho from "Seventeen". Renee explains it all to us. She really believes it's related to modeling. She's all "models are storytellers, wax on, wax off, blah blah blah". To Renee, when someone usually says "dance", it's not gathering berries and fruit. It's more of an acting-type dance, she says. Which is what I do when I'm in the club trying to meet some mens! Ok, my boyfriend's going to read that and leave me. Not because it infers I'm stepping out on him, but because I'm reaching a level of gayness that was previously only touched by John Travolta, that puppet Madame and the cast of "High School Musical". As the Aborigine people explain the challenge, Renee keeps nodding as if it's the most amazing experience in the world. Cut it, Renee. It's funny to hear the Aborigine chick tell us that one of the editors from "Seventeen" will be judging while this girl is wearing full tribal paint and stuck with branches and everything. They read "Seventeen" on Ayer's Rock?

The girls have to paint themselves and paint a story on a dress to wear. NeNe tells her story and it's a whopper. She's got red paint all up her legs and for a second I think she's re-enacting the "plug it up!" scene from the beginning of "Carrie". But no, it's the usual baby in the dumpster/someone's living on the beach tale. Though it's gotta be cold out there in the Australian rainforest. Because NeNe is blue. Unless that's a paint choice. She'll pull out ALL the stops! Renee's tale is about four sisters and one mother and one heart, and there's strength, and I'm waiting for Sister Sledge to pop up. It's a whole thing. The Aborigines look unimpressesd at first. First people vilified their dingoes, now this. It's a lot to contend with. Apparently, Renee had some badness in her life and now she wants to gather her sisters and Mom and make one strong woman. Like Voltron or the Power Rangers or what have you. She is so playing that abuse card. She says it's so important to impress Carissa from "Seventeen" magazine. Carissa looks like the type to scream at the Aborigines about what kind of latte she'll require.

Jaslene's talking about how as a girl she was misled into "pain, agony, and suffering" and oh man, here comes the penis revelation! And how the operation was done in a back alley and she's got that angry inch still. "My only way out was through true love, and my true love was my dream". She'd like to buy the world a Coke. Jaslene isn't telling a story really, she's acting like she's at judging. The Aboriginal children are wondering why this deaf trannie is jabbering at them. Let's get real, Jaslene. Now all she does is live ,love and laugh, she says. There's like one hand clapping for her ass. Not a triumph.

Dionne gets ready. She doesn't want to do "no damn dance". How the hell do you think she can dance while telling a story, what story, what story do you want to hear, etc. I think Aunt Flo is visitin' Dionne-Town. And there's something about how her bf tried making her dance and she doesn't dance. Period. Does this chick know she's in a contest? When did she suddenly get so nasty and complacent and stubborn about it? Why is she committing ANTM suicide? Go dance, tell a story, stand on your head if you have to! Don't you want a "My Life As A Cover Girl"? Don't you want to buy a shiny new wheelchair for your Moms?

Dionne talks about what happened to her in the past, and about her Mom getting shot. For someone who didn't want to do this, it's not bad. It's way better than Jaslene's, anyway. Natasha's up. What's she doing? She's speaking very quietly. She tells us that when you speak with the quiet, everyone is huh? Oh Lordy. Natasha's a sly fox. GOD, I LOVE HER. Renee says that Natasha's a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Shut up Renee, and stop shilling for Mickey D'. Natasha says that her dance was really good because she used the tree branches and this chick would have been stellar in "Fortress" with Rachel Ward. She's got the war paint on and everything. Kill em' all and let God sort them out, Natasha, no?

The "Seventeen" editor talks some bullshit, and Renee wins. I knew the abuse angle would help. Renee picks Jaslene to share in the prize with her. I figured if I'm gonna share a prize, it would be with someone I really get along with and that would be Jaslene, she says. Plus you know she wants to see it untucked. This is funny because I distinctly remember an incident in which Renee asked a kitchen full of girls if they hated her and Jaslene merely looked down at the roast she was making and wondered if it was time for her hormone injection. The girls arrive at home and some Aussie pearl dude tells them about the wondrousness of pearls. He's like you must be Renee, you must be Jaslene. Was one of them described as the deaf, mannish one? The chicks get pearl jewelry. Though I doubt either of them is a stranger to a pearl necklace, if ya know what I mean. Jaslene is all the jewelery is stunning, because none of the other draq queens on the corner have ever owned the real shit either. Dionne talks about how she she realizes she didn't try hard enough and excuses excuses excuses. She decides she wants to have some fun. So the three girls who aren't mail-order brides decided to go out and get their swerve on. Tasha's sick, so she's going to stay home and maybe blow her cellie some more. Tasha spins some tale of all her aches and pains. The other girls are not broken up about this as Natasha has become the one to hate in the house because she's a dirty Commie and screenwriters would have been fired in the 1950's for being friends with her.

I have a weird suspicion that the club the girls go to is a set. They show establishing shots of liquor bottles and stuff but as the girls walk in, there's NO ONE around. And then they sit in what looks like an empty corner and it's just them with no background noise. If this is true, it's sad. And I really wanted the awkward moment of when some Aussie bloke feels Jaslene's hardon to happen. Renee plots to send Natasha home. She's such a cooze. Jaslene and Dionne are sucking lemon slices off what looks like a coke mirror. It's getting real modely up in here. It's funny that Renee is getting malicious seeing as she just told Tasha how to bundle up her neck to battle her cold and stuff. Two-faced slut. Dionne's all for axing Tasha. They're all speculating about Natasha's home life, and how she's fake and no one's seen pictures of her family. Renee is "if you're gonna lie, at least be good at it". Like you, Renee? Shut up. Do they really think Tasha constructed this whole thing and hired actors to call her ass? That's some elaborate hoaxing. Oh, if Natasha gets booted and drops what turns out to be her fake Russian accent to tell everyone to suck it in like a NYC accent - I am a happy homo!

Natahsa says that they're nice to her face to hide her jealousy. And that she didn't let them distract her so they wouldn't think they were inside her head. I can't believe this barely intelligible broad is the most down to earth one. Americans really suck. The girls get home and they seem a little buzzed and they look like they're gonna throw a blanket over Natasha and beat her with bars of soap in socks. They have a Tyra Mail and Renee's like Tyra's picture is so hot. An asskisser to the end, that Renee.

The next morning, Tasha has the flu or whatever still and feels much pressure both inside and out, no? She cries about the upcoming shoot. Do they purposely infect someone every cycle with temporary smallpox or whatever? Take heart, Natasha. There's always private dancing. The girls have to act out Aboriginal legends in their shoots. We meet photographer Kane and he's sorta cutesy with his scruff and his jaunty gay hat. Dionne bitches because they have to tribal dance again. Dismount your high horse!

The girls get made up to look tribal. Jaslene seems to be doing Benny Ninja. Hell, she was probably the one who taught him what he knows. Jaslene says she will never take these tribal dance moves back home. You need to use whatever ya got in a vogueing battle, Jas. You know that. Dionne is struggling against mean face and looks ready to tell Mr. Jay to stop lecturing her ass.

Mr. Jay says he still has the training wheels on with Dionne through every single shot. Tasha does the wiggly wacky bird dance or whatever. Ooh, alliteration. Natasha's having a hard time. You would seriously think she was being forced to model through end stage cancer or something. She doesn't even phone it in. She kinda just plunks herself against a tree. Tiny orange man has to speak to her a few times but she still doesn't pull it together. He tells some fable about Tyra in St. Bart's which I'm sure is totally inspiring but I think Natasha has turned off the English-speaking part of her brain and totally withdrawn.

Renee has to learn and perform the dance of the butterfly. She says it's a beautiful dance. I'm sure you'll be working it up in the club. Shut up, Renee. Mr. Jay tells her she's "glorious". Stop. Oh god, shes gonna win this - isn't she? The Girl Who Was A Total Bitch But Won Anyway. Renee tells us that she made her tribal poses "very fashion". Renee, please take Tyra out of your asshole for two seconds. On second though, keep her there - it's probably how you're gonna win this.

They get home and the girls are REAL mean to Tasha. When she asks what they think tomorrow is going to be like, everyone gets salty and sarcastic and is all "uh, there will be judges and someone's going home". Ouch. Damn. C*nts. Natasha tells us that she is proud that she even showed up today. Renee says that she hopes Tasha isn't going to use her illness as an excuse because "judges will eat her alive". Kind of like when society ate Renee's baby alive when she left it with her alcoholic mother.

Judging opens with photos of Tyra as an Aborigine. Uh, is she? Howabout photos of Tyra as Asian and me in blackface? Would that be appropriate? Weirdo. That's no tribute. It's funny - they keep talking about Dionne fighting the scowl but she looks incredibly angry in judging. I think it's just her focus face. Does she know she's going home? Oops, I didn't say that. Tyra's weave looks a little more kept this judging. Twiggy's hair looks like frizzle-fried than usual. That weird-looking editatrix from "Seventeen" is in the house. She looks like she's dressed for when the Easter bunny visited the group home.

Tyra explains to Dionne with some facial tricks the happy medium between smile and scowl. The sad thing is when she demonstrates this stuff, I'm just gay enough to follow along at home.

Tyra asks the bitches who has the most and least model potential among the other heifers. Dionne names Jaslene as having the most potential, and names Natasha as least potential,. Something is missing with Natasha, she says. I just don't believe it. Tyra doesn't look thrilled by the verbal beating of Natasha.

Jaslene is quick enough to name herself as having the most potential. I guess Dionne has missed previous seasons. You always named yourself, chick! Jaslene torpedoes Natasha as well. Natasha looks more crestfallen with every verbal blow. Renee steps up and asks Tyra if she wants to see her prize? I'm sure plenty of people have seen that already if you smell what I'm stepping in. Renee's pics are pretty bombass. The "Seventeen" chick looks like the abortion Courtney Love had in 1991. Seriously, she's dressed like she's off to the Bikini Kill concert with Juliana Hatfield. Have we already cycled back to early 90's alternative kinderwhore? Renee, of course because this was her scheme, backstabs our mail-order czarina. She talks about how she has the most potential and her family is the "fire under her butt". Enough with the downhome, please.

Natasha's up and acquits herself beautifully. The three little treacherous pigs behind her are waiting for her to scream, cry, make excuses and for Tyra to blast her. Ms. Jay looks like a female mariachi dancer with all the losing girls ruffles. Natasha says that she has the most model potential and that the other girls are still her friends despite betraying her.
Natasha TOTALLY handles herself and the three sluts behind her look like big lying jealous douches. I think I'm emigrating to Russia.

The girls wait in the judging room and Jaslene makes me hate her ass by insisting she's not jealous of Natasha. Renee supports this, and they're looking at Natasha with these sick evil looks and they look exactly like the bullying chicks in high school you hate. Insecure as hell and projecting it on everyone else. My image of Jaslene's sweet personality is blown. Jaslene tells Natasha that she doesn't find her threatening. Uh, you sure seem like you do right now, Marlee. Dionne is quiet but might sense she's gone so she's like an alligator lying in wait and I'm curious to see if she's gonna put the Russian on blast.

Judging. Same old excuses. Tyra tells Ms. Jay that Jaslene will stalk his ass if she loses. Probably not that far off there. I love when Nigel says Renee is not the youngest, freshest face. HAH! Who would have thought I would eventually love Nigel? Yeah, she's busted but her pics really improved. The chick who looks like she's been reading back issues of Sassy on the way to the L7 concert tries to defend Natasha. But Tyra is all, her photoshoot was a DISASTER. So they're forced to nod because Tyra is always right and Tyra then holds a wise finger to her teeth. Enough.

Renee wins the photo part this week. I have to say, checking the four of em' out - these girls aren't that strong. Not Snow Black and Joanie strong, at least. Not as bad as last cycle, but still...they're kinda eh. Dionne and Natasha are in the bottom two and Dionne is MEAN MUGGIN'. It was true all along. She has permanent scowl face. Tyra does a weird hand motion where she shows Dionne's path of ascent. It's kinda of like when you're trying to distract a baby by making spoonfuls of food into airplanes. She's so weird. No Rhoda Morgenstern outfit this week, though so be thankful.

Tyra calls out Natasha's illness story and says it's the oldest Top Model story (behind the girl who takes up the phone too much back at the house, and my cab driver made me late for the go-see) and she wonders about how the other girls think Natasha might me manipulative and "fake". Isn't the point of being a model to be fake? Isn't it ALL fakery? That's the gist, isn't it? I think the ability to fake it would be an incredible asset.

Natasha stays and Tyra reveals the judges think the other girls screwed her over out of jealousy. The two little pigs over at the side are flabbergasted. HAH! Eat my vodka stained potato, no? Dionne isn't having it. She totally cold shoulders Natasha's goodbye hug. I don't think I've seen a girl in the history of ANTM look this pissed when she got booted. She looks ready to do the Heisman on that ho Tyra. I guess she really didn't know she was leaving. Dionne's a damn puzzle in many ways.

Dionne cries, and admits she could have done a better job. She insists she tried, though. I don't think she did. Full of potential but she tended to coast. She says that she's going to miss getting up so early in the morning and getting "beautified". Does this mean she doesn't plan on getting a job back home? What will she be doing? Are you gonna work at all? Get a job, bitch!

Next - Cover Girl shoot in a boat, and there's the customary season ending fashion show. And the models are wearing what looks like steer skulls on their heads. How Santa Fe! AND I PROMISE YOU A RECAP!