America's Next Top Model: This One's For Bonnie

Natasha writes her own script and Tiny N' Orange isn't having it. She sounds like she's reading from a Russian grocery list. It's a little insulting whenever Natasha's on, they play like Russian polka music. That's what it sounds like. My boyfriend's Russian, so I'm sensitive to these issues. When Natasha goes adlib, everyone lightens up on her. Renee shoots her ad on a boat. She looks really good. Maybe it's the gold sequins. Gay guys are easily distracted by sequins, kind of like straight guys are distacted by boobies. Renee starts her adlibbed ad with talking about the baby she had nine months ago and how she thought her life was over. Wow, that's really uplifting for a make-up commercial. Seriously, nothing makes me want to buy blush more than someone regretting that they didn't have the abortion. Mr. Jay asks her to flip it, and she makes it into a positive.

Jaslene's working the red carpet with her ad, and then talking to us across the backseat of a limo. She tells us how she lives for the fabulous life. Mr. Jay requests that Ms. Cha Cha Diva come forth. We hear all about Jaslene's energy and fire. They make her sound like she needs a Nexium. Jay sits behind a glass wall and gives her directions over a speaker. It's like a hostage crisis is going on, or a sting operation.

Caridee shows Natasha how to lengthen her neck. She's like a fashion fairy godmother. We learn that it's very hard to keep smiling for these Cover Girl ads. The photographer says that Natasha almost has to laugh to be able to smile. She's the girl who was born without smile muscles that I saw on Sally Jesse once. Renee thinks she has this all in the bag. But even the photographer is like - bitch is old. Bitch should be at the early bird special down at the Denny's in St. Petersburg.

Back at their Australian model crash pad, they once again let Tasha read the TyraMail. That's still so wrong. Renee takes this opportunity to stank the place up with her attitude. She says that she hopes Natasha doesn't win because her model walk is like a "pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass". Classy. Just to clue you in, this haggard bitch doesn't win. Because karma's real. They show Natasha walking and there's not a hint of feces. Natasha feels Jaslene is going to go because she needs to have more personality, no? They go to sleep with Jaslene telling us to expect the unexpected. Renee's face is shiny, probably with some sort of anti-ageing slop that isn't working.

Tyra looks very That Girl at the second to last judging. She's rocking a lot of bell-shaped glittery late 60's dresses in this piece. I don't whether she's trying to pay homage to Twiggy or what her damage is. Tyra says it's down to "the three baddest bitches". "HOLLA!" The guest judges this week are two Australian lesbians who are the only Australian fashion designers to ever have a show at NY's fashion week. It will be their runway show the two finalists walk in.

Natasha gets reamed for stumbling through her ad. And yeah, she sounds like a Russian immigrant but you knew that when you booked her! Nigel Barker lets us know that our imperfections are what makes us so beautiful. Tell it to my bullfrog like neck, asshole. And by the way - you sucked on the Young & The Restless last week. You big queen. One of the fashion designing Australian lesbians comments on Natasha's big full lips. Keep it in your pants, Tegan and Sara.

Everyone loves Jaslene's ad, especially since she went bilingual. Renee is wearing some sort of peasant skirt for this judging, and she looks like a dance instructor from a womyn's commune in the 70's or Little Edie from "Gray Gardens". She's told she photographs quite old again, and seriously - the peasant skirt is hiding support hose and maybe a truss. They seriously tool on her for the maturity issue this go-round as Tyra even mentions that she has some puffiness and wrinkles in her skin. HAH! Jesus. When's the hip replacement? Tyra advises that the modeling industry has no place for old looking bitches. It's why Lauren Hutton is living in a sewer tunnel as we speak, and rummaging through the dumpster in back of Cory Kennedy's house. Tyra acknowledges that this isn't a pleasant truth. The answer? Get your ass a reality show AND a talk show. But maintain wig upkeep or things fall off.

Judges judged. Nigel loves Jaslene all of a suffed. Either that or he's down to few girls and wants us to forget that he's a dick. The Australian lesbian fashion designers look bored with all of this. Nigel comments that Renee's isn't the freshest face around. Heh.
Instant karma's gonna get ya!

Seriously, Renee, whtat's that skirt doing? I would have just worn jeans like Jaslene, though I'm shocked no one says she isn't modelly enough. Tyra recorded a voiceover to let us know what the prizes are and how once this next chick get's eliminated - it's almost over. Jaslene makes the cut. I know it's a total ploy but it is kinda hot how this is her second go-round. Damn you, Bankable Productions, for manipulating me so fully! Natsha and Renee grip hands. Renee is told she's old again, seriously - she's gonna have a complex no matter how this turns out. She's going to be plastic surgeried to Venus and back. Natasha's still in. Renee looks like a papsmear was taken against her will. She might gun down Tyra. Jaslene is openmouthed. Close it, flies. My boyfriend mentions that Natasha's still in it because she's not the "bitter c*nt" that Renee is. My boyfriend will tell you how it is. It's why when I have a return with no receipt, I bring his ass along. And then - get this. Renee tells Natasha to win this for the mamas out there. WHAT? Since when are you two allied? You hate Natasha! I'm sensing some Jaslene jealousy. Renee says apparently I look old and tells us that this is not a "happy moment". You reap what you sow, Negative Renee. Live with the consequences and pick your husband up off that beach and let him move his ass back in! Bye.

They do the usual fade away of the next girl, and I am shocked that a girl with a Cleopatra wig on (Natasha) is still in the running. That cracks me up. They're really letting the campy win this one. The girls meet with the chick who replaced the werewolf at "Seventeen". She tells us that the "Seventeen" cover is the defining moment of any model's career. I thought it was dodging Naomi's cellphone. Jaslene jokingly says that if Natasha wins, she will pull out all her hair. That's very trannie of ya. Natasha goes into some spiel about how she will be happy if she wins, and it will make her baby happy to be raised by a happy woman, and her baby doesn't want an unhappy woman to raise it. Seriously, I'm just typing what she said. In a strange way, it makes sense. She can really boil it down for us.

Natasha screams when she gets home, because Tyra broke into their house. Tyra asks for details of Tasha's life. We find out she couldn't afford college so she lived in Moscow with no food. She felt that not being able to be friends with all the girls was hard. But that none of them were upset that an immigrant was doing so well in the contest. They're bitches but they're not xenophobes.

Jaslene recalls the day Tyra didn't call her for the last cycle. It turns out she went to therapy and shit to get through that! I told you Renee's gonna have a complex! She cries some more, and hints at the abuse she suffered. Who was it? Mean boyfriend? She thanks Tyra for everything she's done for her. This is a very special episode of "Tyra".

The girls show up for the runway show. The theme? Evolution! They will start off like cavewomen and stagger around all animalistic. Then grow from there! Wow. They are running out of ideas. Ms. Jay shows them how it's done. Natasha is trying to psych Jaslene out by mentioning how rough the runway is. Jaslene isn't having it. She really doesn't like Tasha. Natasha voiceovers that Jaslene is more fierce but she is more exciting and fun. I always though fierce sort of included exciting and fun but what do I know? Ford Modeling hasn't called me lately and with good reason.

Tyra runs backstage in one of those 1970's costumes and shoots out advice. I have to say this is my favorite part of a cycle. The runway show! So exciting! Mr. Jay advises the girls to pound it out and serve it. Like veal. Mr. Jay's crazy. Caridee opens the show looking wonderful and crawling out like One Million BC. Twiggy looks like "The Other Sister". Sorry. Girls walk. I clap and bob my head. I love the runway show! Natasha's dress comes down at one point, and she walks it off. But the black leotard isn't flattering. That Australian lesbian design duo should be shot. Natasha at one point is so naked and bent over getting dressed backstage that it looks like Anal Gang Bang 43. "Gimme another girl! Quick! Quick!" yells Mr. Jay and you know it's the first time he's ever said that and meant it.

Natasha says she did better than anyone on the runway. I love her confidence. Truthfully, she did so much better than I thought she would - but Jaslene's was better. Jaslene feels she brought fierceness and Tasha didn't. As the runway show draws to a close, they do this hot thing where the models pose on ladders and the lights go out and it's so gay and showy that I need to rub one out from all the fabulousness. Trya runs backstage to tell the girls "they ripped it" and then immediately heads off to an afterparty that they're not invited to. Natasha tells us that she's doing this for the thousands of girls who feel like they're strangers in America. Jaslene really hates her. You can see it in her man face. Jaslene tells us that she's not the girl next door, she's the girl down the block in your hood. Rolling a sailor for cash before he feels the D. Ok, she didn't add that part.

It's that time. Hold onto your butts. The girls are hand in hand and look really nice. I even like Tasha's Daisy from "The Great Gatsby"/Princess Lei do. Jaslene mentions she's ready to pass out. Mr. Jay is in the house. The consensus is that Natasha started strong and got week and that Jaslene is the opposite. I will say that the best runway show I've seen was the hot one on Phucket with Snow Black and Joanie. Nothing will top that one, remember when Dani gave that wink at the end? Hot. God, I should be at some kind of ANTM-con in a booth somewhere. I'm so sad.

The photoshoots are gone over. Natasha made a hot guy. Jaslene's pics were smoking for the most part. Tyra gives some crap speech about how it's very American that two girls of different cultures are the final two. I agree, but Tyra's still cheesy as Roquefort. The girls speak in their native languages during their last plea for winning. Smart move.

Judges judge. Mr. Jay cracks me up when he compares the "crazy, yellow plastic earrings, screaming" Jaslene to the elegant trannie we see before us. I like how screaming is an adjective. We get a flashback that I want running on YouTube 24-7. What is Mr. Jay wearing? Is he a geisha? Or Chow-Yun Fat? Nigel says that the "public may think we're nuts but we're looking for imperfections". They don't think you're nuts, they just think you're sleazy and give conflicting advice every cycle. And you suck at acting (re: Young & the Restless last week). Tyra talks about the girls' hearts and is Jaslene's heart strong when she's giving Natasha the gas face?

And the man wins it! Jaslene's America's Next Top Model! Natasha is very gracious and looks amazing. We get a lot of screaming about joy and the experience and Natasha is off to see "her baby". Hopefully she keeps the happy, because her baby doesn't want the unhappy. And what baby says goes. Jaslene's family is given a shout-out for not dumping her for that whole sex reassignment thing. They show the photoshoot of Tyra and Jaslene together and all I can think is - men.

Next - J. Harvey gets some time off from late recap guilt