Spells like Teen Spirits

And so it seems that the final page of the Harry Potter saga has been turned - leaving this trifling prognosticator confused.

Hermione shot J.R.?

Perhaps that illegal download was unwise. Nevertheless, one does wonder the future fate of younglings interested in delving further into the Black Magicks. While Dark Willow re-mixes will forever grace the screens of YouTube, that's simply not enough for those of us who utter, "Oh, Holy Hecate!" when the time is right...for blight.

With that it mind, let us pry open the Tomes of Terror to unearth a few spells overlooked by the bildungsroman Ms. Rowling calls bankroll.

A clickable compendium is below, with more details available after the jump.

ABACUS FABULOUS Remove stubborn belly fat and wrinkles with a spell that's one-part wishful thinking and one-part Photoshop filter. Use is primarily limited to digital domains (Craigslist), Men's Fitness magazine and Madonna album covers.
CORNELIUS WESTIVICUS A spell that keeps it real. Also useful when confronted by extremely frightening white people with stolen powers, see Dodo Contempto.
DODO CONTEMPTO Quickly eliminate those pesky moments of self-doubt by evoking a delusory, dogmatic disdain for democracy. Occasionally effective in eliminating all that is moral, ethical, legal and Constitutional.
GAWKERICA PONDEROSUM A pick-me-up incantation for folks unhappy that: the funniest shit they've ever written will never be acknowledged by Salazar Sicha their annual Google AdSense check won't even cover the cost of a baked potato bar.
JAKEY WAKEY Especially effective on gays who sometimes need to be reminded that just because a guy lets you suck his dick, doesn't mean he wants you to be a co-signor on his Design Within Reach credit card.
KARMIFICUS METHATATUM This powerful counter-spell is useful against all things spurious and cruel since it calls upon the powerful forces of karma, clarity and accuracy. In other words, it reminds hypocrites that people in glass pipes shouldn't throw crack rocks.
KLEPTORUM REVERSUS Public relations wizards fighting four counts of felonious conduct know this one by heart. Don't hate - we loved Mermaids, too -- but it was Shoop, Shoop not Shoplift, Shoplift.
PARISITEM LINKITIS Technically not a spell, and more a "condition" -- some would say demonic possession. Victims suffer from repeated exposure to mind numbing images, sounds and smells of the foulest thing to emerge from Muggledom. There is no known cure.
REGURGATARI This particular utterance is employed incessantly in Hollywood boardrooms and bathrooms with terribly predictable outcomes in both occurrences. Namely, rote rehash, rehab and/or repeat offenders (see Parisitem Linkitis or Saddam Lohanobama).
SADDAM LOHANOBAMA This mean-spirited, malevolent and far-too-common conjuration casts a pall of aspersions, innuendo and disinformation -- features fatal, fecal, fetal, futile, far-out and far-flung foolishness.