Emmy Red Carpet Fashions Get Us Excited...in the Wrongest Way Possible

All I wear is Dickies and white t-Shirts. I don't know a thing about make-up and I get my haircut by people who only speak Spanish and it has never been a problem. "Give me the 'guy' haircuto," and they cut it short and I awkwardly brush it down using my hand. As far as critiquing female fashion, I must admit that I normally like whorish-looking women, but I think I know the difference between provocative and trashy. Much to my female friends' dismay, though, I probably prefer trashy.

I have the same plan for pulling this off as I did for passing my GED test--cheat off of the girl sitting next to me. Luckily, this girl happens to be Lisa Timmons, the well-known A Socialite's Life editor and celebrity Chickipeidia. And as different famous people pop on the screen, she quickly tells me their name and what they are known for and I try to quickly judge them by their most predominant feature and whether or not I would like to F- them or just grudge F- them.

I decided to brush-up on my fashion knowledge by watching a pre-show segment with Phillip Bloch. This guy is supposed to be a major stylist for celebrities, but looks like an absolute creep. His pencil-thin mustache and jet-black, slick hair make him look like he should be in some cartoon tying a girl to railroad tracks. This guy is going to be no help unless I need to match wits with Bullwinkle later.

The first ladies to catch my eye were the cast of "Ugly Betty." First off, "Ugly Betty" isn't so ugly. I mean, she isn't so hot either, but I was happy to find out that if you stick her in a snug blue dress and take a weed whacker to her eyebrows and !hola!--she looks well, okay. Rebecca Romain looks mannish. Perhaps the fact that I first saw her on the show might have skewed my opinion and I was willing to give her a pass until she opened her mouth and started bragging about being "groundbreaking" for being the first person to play a transgendered person on television. Hello? "Bosom Buddies"? Vanessa Williams must have taken the concept of "The Green Emmys" literally and wore a green dress that looks like it was made of dead Fraggles. I don't know PETA's stance on murdered puppets, but let's hope that she at least ate the meat so that none of the dead Fraggles went to waste. Judith Light looked, well, old but I am guessing that somehow, somewhere Tony Danza is masturbating. I can't tell you much about what she was wearing because the camera shot was from her waist up and all I could see was a necklace.

Speaking of "Who's The Boss," Marcia Cross has a forehead like Mona and the red hair to match. She wore turquoise earrings that hung heavily from her ears and they looked liked bolo-ties bought alongside a discount carton of cigarettes on an Indian reservation. Eva Longoria looked smoking hot and her dress was all glittery, but not that cheap glitter that comes off on your face during a lap-dance and later gets you busted by your girlfriend, but rather that type of glittery that tells you that she won't be impressed when you show your class by bragging that you know what a coaster is and what it is used for.

Julia Louis Dreyfus is hot--strangely, I am not embarrassed to admit it--Elaine is hot. She wore a tight, purple dress that would make the Boob Nazi shout "No droop for you!" And, as an added bonus, she refrained from using the N-word. (Get it? Kramer? Nevermind...) Looking gross in purple was Helen Mirren. I know it is probably cheap to knock people for their age, but by dressing herself in all purple with all of those wrinkles, she couldn't help but evoke the raisin comparison. Katherine Hiegl looked hot too in a simple white dress and bright red lipstick. Normally this contrast of colors only brings to mind menstrual cycles, but she pulls it off and looks great doing it. Heidi Klum probably brought the weirdest accessory when she showed up with an alien. But I guess she felt obligated, since she did marry the guy.

Felicity Huffman looked...hungry. She wore a red slingshot that showed off her disturbing rib cage. The neckline exposed her chest, and I don't mean boobs, I mean her chest. She is so skinny that I think I saw her heart beating. I think she is gross and someone this skinny on TV is usually accompanied by a weirdo with grey hair and wily beard telling me that for just a few cents a day I could feed this starving monstrosity.

The guys all pretty much looked the same. It's hard to screw up a tuxedo but I suppose that these attention-starved people did find a way to stand out. The biggest offender was Terry O'Quinn. He wore a bright pink shirt and glittery tie that made it look like he was wearing a Lite Brite on the inside of his tux.

Ali Larter gave me semi-wood and her bright red slinky dress looked like a giant bow in what would later in my fantasy be her present to me. I was looking forward to seeing Hayden Panettiere but she disappointed me. Her dress color was too close to the color of her fake tan and it looked like mush. She is getting a little over the hill for my tastes anyways. If she really wanted to give her male fans what they want then she would have worn her cheerleading outfit and pigtails.

I was still thinking about Ali Larter when the show began. I took it as my cue to call it a night. I would like to thank Lisa Timmons for helping me out and keeping me from writing five pages about all of the dirty things I would like to do to Eva Longoria. I hope you found my observations both sexist and rude and, since you are into that sort of thing, I hope to see you checking out my Law & Order: SVU recaps this season where I promise to make topics like child molestation and anal rape fun again.

(WENN)