America's Next Top Model: "I'm Beautiful. I'm Smart. I Can Play Beer Pong."

Blindfolded girls are faced with Ms. Jay trying to act all straight, dressed as Captain Steubing. Why? Cuz' these ladies are going on a sea cruise. It's that boat that Royal Caribbean has with the ice-skating rink and the mini-golf course and assorted giant city on the sea craziness. I went on my first cruise recently, and let me tell you, I don't want to be on a frictionless surface with a boat rocking while standing on a sheet of ice or near a clown mouth. I just don't. Vomit ensues. Ms. Jay will be your cruise director and expert on all things pre-op and jaded.

Girls cheer and Marilyn Manson starts talking to us. Actually, her name is Heather, 21 and later on when I find out what her real deal is - I feel bad for thinking she looks like the God of F*ck. But at first glance, she's hunched over and pale and looks to be the kind of guy who would dump a burlesque queen for an 18-year-old actress. She's afraid of looking like an idiot in front of Ms. Jay. Honey, do you watch this mess? Do you recall the catacombs fashion show with CariDee and Melrose? Do you remember Ms. Jay running down the aisle screaming and crying in a black wedding dress? You're safe, sweetie.

We meet our house bitch, who is a bug-eyed diva named Ebony. One of em' always starts off stank from the very beginning and Ebony's our girl. Bank robbers have shown a keener eye for wig selection. She feels the rest of the girls are "cute' but she combines "cute" and "fierce". We know the drill, Eb. It's only the fifth paragraph of the first recap and I'm already feeling like this show has nothing left to offer. Stick a serial killer in there or Tyra's long lost sister. Or New York! Get New York. Switch it up. How about less trash, more substance? Here's an idea - get some old supermodels like Tiegs and Lauren Hutton to compete to be American's Next Broke Hip Supermodel! Let's see how these old bitches twerk it! Oh, I still gotta review this show? Ok.

"C'mon you buncha busted up broke down models, let's go" Ms. Jay calls and all aboard! We see the boat, and I wonder how much Royal Caribbean is shelling out for this advertising program. Probably not that much, it's CW. There's all this wacky unnecessary shit. The aforementioned ice rink. A rock-climbing wall? Bitch, where's the bar? That's all you need to point me towards. Is it happy hour? In between Mila tells us she thinks she would be "really good" at being American's Next Top Model. Oh you poor little lamb. Ms. Jay stops the victims in the lobby to tell them that this is "not a party cruise". Oh, contraire scare hair. Anytime the camera is off me, I am dancing on tables. You're out in the middle of nowhere on the water. What the hell else are you gonna do at night besides get up in the club? And Tyra's payin'? Don't even front.

Chantal, 19, tell us she's not really worried because she thinks she has something that no other girl has. Dignity? Nope. "I don't know what it is but there's somethin', there's somethin'". Way to back up your statement. Let us know when you find it. I'm guessing it's not brains. The girls gather on the top deck for the safety check. And let me tell you this. What a pain in my nuts THAT was. You gotta get up there in NYC 99 degree heat and wait with this heavy life jacket on and there's people pissing and moaning all around you and babies crying and people yelling things like "Stuart! Max is crying again! He doesn't want to be here! Let's adopt a different Thai baby! This one's broken or something!" Even gay dads can be shallow. That bitch was the first one with his shirt off and we were only on the boat for about 20 minutes at that juncture. Queen, please.

We meet Lisa, 20, who totally reminds me of my oldest friend Ali who I waited for the bus with in kindergarten. Ali's not a pole dancer, she's a lawyer - but there's a resemblance. She talks about how she's sorta intimidated by all the other girls. Ms. Jay comes stalking down the deck. The girls have to put on a fashion show wearing their big ass lifejackets. Heather is scared because she's "terrible at runway". Girls walk. Marvita. 23, looks like jail. She's got a Mohawk and she's homeless. She's going to do whatever it takes to "get in that house". Including chucking bitches overboard, I'm guessing. Cruise passengers are subjected to dumbasses in life jackets walking. Ms. Jay yells, "Ms. Spontaneous, you're shakin' too much, don't be that spontaneous!" And at first I just though it was Ms. Jay giving her a nickname as he's wont to do. No, the girl's name is Spontaniouse. And as my spell-check has informed me, the ridiculous asshole that named her that is spelling it wrong. Look, I'm sorry if I just called her Moms a ridiculous asshole but please. You don't name your baby after the kind of sex you had to conceive it! Who does that? We'd have Conniving, and Messy, and Cold, and Sweaty Jungle F*cking, and He Put My Damn Head Through The Headboard, Girl, I Got A Welt On My Scalp, and Future Baby Momma.

Victoria, 20, made it to the top history program at Yale (is there a remedial one at Yale?) and tells us she has never modeled before and has the fashion sense of a 12-year-old boy. She also walks like if she lets the detonator slip out of her butt, the ship will blow up. To make matters worse, as she inches across the deck - the girls waiting to go are dancing with each other. It just seems like mockery! Sabrina, 18 will "give them everything that they want". You're barking up the wrong tree with this panel and that kind of attitude. Heather walks and Ms. Jay tells her it's not that great from the back. Ebony guffaws at her. Insecure bitches are the worst. I mean Ebony. Heather shows us that she has a hump from leaning over a computer. Is this true? You can get a hump? Myself and everyone I know....we're screwed. We're going to end up in bell towers. Won't everyone? Ms. Jay tells her she looks like she should be "diggin' up clams and oysters" and then demonstrates. This is not good for Heather to hear and she cries. Ms. Jay tells her to get it together. These girls must seem like vapor with screechy voices to him by now. Heather tells us she thought she thought she was ugly for the longest time and that it's hard not being comfortable in her own skin. Jesus, I'm sorry for the Marilyn Manson crack. I'm going to feel even worse when I hear her next revelation.

Show over. Girls go to dinner. Girls start talking about whom they want to see in the house. Lisa is sweet, and says she wants to see Heather in the house and camera-ass kisses that she has these intense eyes. Lisa's not long for this world. You can't be too nice. It's like being at the back of the back with a flesh wound. They will cut you out and leave you for dead! Bug-eyed queef Ebony smirks and says she calls Heather "hunchback" and that she doesn't think she'll do well in America's Next Top Model. Well, I don't think you'll do well at life because if you keep running around and acting like a douchebag - someone will flush you. Next morning - girls chow. Someone says they're eating like pigs. There's a semi-plus size girl named Sarah who isn't quite plus size but I'm not seeing here on the Paris runways wearing a bicycle chain and nothing else. She says that she's happy to represent anyone out there who sees something of them in her. That's nice. And then - ghastliness happens. Tyra shows up and does this cruise song and dance number. And the thighs are just BAM! And she's singing like Marilyn Monroe or Betty Boop, and oh god, make the bad lady go away. Awful, horrible. Tyra just has an incorrect notion of who she is and what she's capable of. Even the gays who are backing her up are like "we'd rather work with Phyllis Diller". Girls scream like they just rolled back the rock and Jesus was missing. Seriously, one has a forkful of pancake in her gob and she mouths "who dat?" around the pancake and then realizes and JUMPS!

Jennifer from Walpole, MA (RED SOX NATION REPRESENT!) is my favorite because she sounds like Cliff Claven's daughter. "Tyra looks so flawless, like she just jumped off the COVAH!" Jennifer, I love you, and you are so much hotter than that cheesy Mila bitch. I love that you didn't make any attempt to not sound like you're swigging from a thermos full of rum and coke at Southie's St. Patrick's Day Parade. Will you marry me? I'm entirely serious. You got robbed. Oops, spoiler.

Ambreal, 19, just wants to touch the "hem of your garment, girl" and they do this weird cut to Tyra in her cruise headdress staring at the camera as if saying "yesssssss". The editors on this show are so out to lunch. I think Ty Ty is editing. Someone taught her ass how to use Final Cut Pro. Tyra gives them some bullshit story as to why they're on the cruise because most shoots take place in the Caribbean or whatever. Not Royal Caribbean paid a shitload of money to be all over the first episode. A shitload of money for CW would be $29.95 and some passes to Loews Cinema. Thank you for coming to Loews! Tyra gives some spiel and as she's telling them that they have "beautiful personalities" but those won't get them to the next level, one chick's face DROPS. You mean, like, me being like, a nice person and stuff won't like make me a model? Like. No. dummy. You need to be pretty in an odd way and have a messed-up personality and at least one personal tragedy. Jenah, 18, says Tyra's speech made her want to step it up more. And "none of these girls scare me" and "I am ready to fight for this". Same old speeches. You'll wuss out after the makeover episode. They all do.

How much do I NOT want to see any project that combines Dane Cook with Jessica Alba? Two assholes on a movie screen. Unless it's a snuff film, no thanks. And why does everyone on "Gossip Girl" dress like Easter baskets? Commercials tell you a lot about a project. Back to unreality. It's time for panel interviews. Ambreal walks out acting like she knows Tyra, and she's got those leg warmers on that are made out of the bottoms of the legs of jeans? WHAT? Doesn't Brooke Hogan wear those? That is not who you want to emulate. And a denim mini above that. It's disconcerting because the leg warmers weren't fashioned out of the mini. That's a lot of denim. Tyra comments that the cruise ship's theater would be an "amazing location" for a fashion show. No it wouldn't. It's not shaped correctly. Unless you plunked the runway out over the seats. Are the seats removable? Who scripted that bit? Royal Caribbean? Are they trying to lure Fashion Week? Ambreal shows Tyra how they walked back in the fashion shows in college. And some of it involves dancing and Tyra cannot dance. She looks like Fred Gwynne trying to do the chicken noodle soup with soda on the side. Stiff.

Chantal is all about fashion, but disguises it behind her blond. She impresses Tyra and the queens with her knowledge of designers. Orange You Gonna Pose Like That thinks that everything Chantal does is "so naturally modelesque". Like she showed up with a shoulder bag, and a sunglasses and a cigarette and a boyfriend whose band is currently recording their demo and he shoots up. Sylvia, 23, is awkward and looks like she might have cerebral palsy because she's kinda off kilter. But they don't mention it at all so either she doesn't or because she doesn't make it (spoiler) they don't want you to hate them too much. Because you're gonna hate them after homeless Marvita doesn't make it. Oops, spoiler. I'm full of beans today! So Tyra sorta humiliates this one by making her walk and calling out animals to emulate. And I think she just meant the spirit of the animals but Sylvia takes it literally. The girl's a menagerie. You know she's watching this at home with tears rolling down her face. Whilst screaming "I thought you meant it literally!" Heather rolls up and is like "hey, pretty lady and uh, Tyra." Oh my god, she's my new favorite. The panel cracks up as Ms. Jay acts like he didn't love the compliment. I read an interview with Ms. Jay recently, and bitch is crazy. He said that, while he appreciates everyone saying they like the show and shit, he doesn't like to be touched or hugged at all by people he doesn't know. I don't know what kind of fucked-up upbringing this cat had, but some girl like TAPPED HIM ON THE SHOULDER in an airport and he wheeled around and like elbowed her in the mouth as a reflex. Damn. Was he in prison or something? Then again, when you're backstage at a fashion show with Naomi Campbell in the house, you need to be ready to throw down.

We find out that Heather has Aspberger's Syndrome, which is a form of autism. Holy shit, and I called her Marilyn Manson. I totally suck. She says that the hard part was not having many friends as a child because she was "wired differently". I hear ya, honey. She does need to straighten that back. The queens feel that she can give awkward 1950's poses and is that in demand? Saleisha, 21, is all "how ya'll feelin, my name is Saleisha". She's a hostess or works on a party line. And she went to Tyra's camp! It's called T-Zone! Tyra has a camp? Can I go? I have low self-esteem!

I know Yale is an achievement but Victoria needs to just wear the t-shirt and stop it. She tells them that she should win because she's "smart and strong". So several bears I know should be America's Next Top Model. Bear as in hairy gay man. Tyra's all you know you think some of these girls are dumb. And she's like, you what, it's true. Victoria says this whole thing started as a joke. I wouldn't keep repeating that. Janet, 22, is kinda adorable and she gives bikini waxes for a living. I'd rather be a weapons inspector in Iraq. Tyra wants a full demonstration on how to do that using herself as a model. So Tyra obviously is planning on ridding herself of her thick 70's bush. I need to get mine done, as well. Tyra's business is in Ms. Jay's face and he looks disturbed as hell. Dinner that night, Victoria like passes out in the dining room and is laying on tables and shaking. Sabrina's like, good, let her die! She didn't actually say that but something to that effect. Sabrina would be schlepping the body bag over the side of the deck and Victoria would be calling from inside "but I'm just seasick"! Some girl looks to have to take care of Victoria and is all why are they leaving this bitch with me?

Victoria has a seasickness band on the next day. Why didn't I get a band? I had to wear some sticker behind my neck and it kept coming off when I washed my hair and I had to put another one on. And I wasted a lot of them because of my love of shampoo. Ebony wants to play "who's got an eating disorder" and Marvita isn't loving it. Marvita's like Ebony was hating and I didn't want to fight her, I just wanted to slap the hell out of her. Cuz' that's different. Sunshine Mila thinks people shouldn't fight. My girl Jennifer is a bartender and they talk about her accent and we find out she can't see out of her right eye. That's a wicked good excuse for ignoring people you don't want to serve at the bar. She's so awesome. Why is everyone so fascinated by Boston accents, though? Anywhere I go, people are either mocking me or correcting my accent. Bitches please. Take your "r" and stick it. It's not like we come from an uneducated part of the country. We have the best colleges and hospitals than anywhere else in the nation. And you're from where?

Marvita bawls, and Tyra makes her talk about being a foster child and how she got molested and raped. And I HATE that shit. Marvita thanks God for giving her strength. She seems like a shoe-in but they want to show ya how tough it is. Sorry 'bout the rape, next! Mila is full of sunshine and has no time for crying. She loves to celebrate EVERYTHING. I don't want to think that she's from my urea. And yeah, I spelled it with a "u". Christie, 20, looks like Adriana Lima. Sabrina comes swooping out in this scary yellow dress. And she says her hair is her best feature and no, it's not. She didn't even do anything with it. It just lays there. Limp. Like a corpse. Jenah is (self-described) "beautiful, and smart. I know stuff. I can play beer pong". Me too! That's good stuff to know. She explains that other girls hate her and she can hang with the guys. Which means she will give oral to your boyfriend. We know the type, don't we ladies? Sarah is from Massachusetts, too, and does this weird nose trick thing. What possessed her? She's not plus but she's not stick. Where does she fit? Lisa comes out, and I really like her. She's an exotic dancer. And for some reason, she totally does it for me. She's like "doctor, no, lawyer, no, model, YEEAAH". I want to have soup with her.

Lisa reveals her stripper side and girls start hating. Spontaniouse thinks it's nasty. Because she already has the stripper name and you can't shake that off and she's bitter about it. Seriously, did Flava Flav name her? JASLENE'S FIRST COMMERICAL! And she sounds a little less deaf. Someone had some speech therapy or cochlear implants. She still looks like a damn model, though. Go Jas. Though I'm shocked she doesn't carry a photo of her ex-abusive boyfriend around with her to remind us.

Bianca, 18, looks exactly like Spontaniouse. They could be magenta banged hair twins. She mentions she hates Ebony but like her $500 weave. Are weaves SUPPOSED to look cheap and lifeless? Bianca's is $25 and she loves hers. Is this my life? Kimberly, 20, brings Tyra a ceramic horse. I don't see model in this chick. Oh oh, here comes Ebony. Tyra tells Ebony that other girls don't like her. Ebony's façade starts to crack. Good. Psycho. We find out her Moms was a crackhead. Whose wasn't? And we find out her grandmother raised her, but now she's dead. And suddenly I get her ass. Ebony tells us she can be nice but suddenly become a bitch. So can everyone, ask my boyfriend.

The girls go to the beach for their first photo shoot. Jaslene's there and sounds deaf again. Some girls make it work, others splash about like ferrets that fell off a bridge. The first cut happens on the dock! And they actually tell the girls that some of them won't be getting back on the ship! They're going to be stranded and have to find jobs! Thirteen girls working as cabana people! That's cold! CP Sylvia talks about how she's going to die a little bit inside every time someone asks her if she's a model and she has to say no. Have you met Jaslene? You can come back! Don't die inside. Is it really that serious? The worst part is they make the girls who didn't make it stand on the dock and watch the boat leave. F*CK. THAT. Humiliated enough already, thanks. I'd be at the nearest tiki bar sucking the tequila off my mini-umbrella. Sabrina cries that she has to go back home and back to school and her job and she doesn't want to. Ohmygod, my boyfriend and I are models! Jennifer makes it on board and they are going to break my "haht" with this one. They made the Dark is Rising series into movies and aren't the kids supposed to be British. Jerk movie studios.

Tyra shows up to dinner, and tells the girls it's time to make the final cut. She makes every girl stand up and tell them why she should be America's Next Top Model. Jennifer speaks and she cries and the boyfriend thinks any girl who cries should be eliminated automatically. He likes animals more than people. Go figure. But Jennifer should have stayed! The panel deliberates. Ms. Jay is ashen-faced and seasick. I've been there. You know what's weird? I actually don't hate the orange man this go-round. He just seems to have settled on me. Like silt on the bottom of the riverbed. I think because so many of the girls are way more annoying than him. I can't believe I'm saying this. Anyway, it's time! Twenty were picked, thirteen will remain. Tyra says everyone in America will know their name. Uh, this is CW. A twelve-year-old girl ignoring her homework and me will know their names. And here's who we got this go-round:

Mila - Irritating girl who thinks crying is a waste of time and who's REALLY POSITIVE!
Bianca - $25 weave
Jenah - Smart because she knows how to play beer pong
Chantal - has something, has yet to know what it is
Ambreal - jean leg warmers
Victoria - Yale
Sarah - Not fat enough for plus
Saleisha - Tyra's camp will help you out
Kimberly - I don't get it
Ebony - they need a bitch
Janet - bikini wax
Heather - autism
Lisa - sweet pole dancer

Jennifer was robbed. It's wicked hardcore retahded. It's not pissa. Marvita isn't crying but does know where Tyra's limo is parked and what will happen if the brakes are bled. Ok, they're on a boat, shut up! Girls celebrate.

Next - new house. They're already playing up Heather's autism. And Bianca is challenging Lisa, who loses her sweetness because we get some pixilated swear words.