America's Next Top Model: "Check Out Your Thighs In The Mirror!"

People seem to have loosened up about Heather's autism and are helping her with hair and make-up. Even Ebony is "let's put a really cute outfit on her". Ok, it's sort of like little kids dressing up the dog to show Mom when she comes home, but I'll stop there. They're probably going to leave her on a street corner somewhere for some pimp to kidnap, successfully eliminating her from the competition. Saleisha says she liked helping Heather out and she's not a bitch, "that's just not part of my personality". And she pronounces "personality" with a lot of emphasis on the syllables because she's already gunning for that Cover Girl spot and she's knows what sounding like a hick can do to your potential. I'm looking at you, Snow Black. I miss you, girl!

Bianca feels that Heather doesn't deserve the "pity" she gets. When did Bianca lap Ebony for house bitch? There's an unintelligible Tyra Mail. Girls gather out on the veranda to discuss. No one's shaking from nicotine withdrawal, yet. I can't wait until one of them starts making irrational demands like asking the other girls to stop breathing because it's annoying and can I borrow your eyes for a minute? Literally? People quitting smoking go through hell and lose their minds. Bianca camera-shits on that Saleisha is annoying and a braggart and she hopes that she doesn't go very far. I'm tingling with anticipation for the Remy Ma/Rihanna standoff. Watch out, Saleisha, Remy Ma's packin'. Seriously, she is - she's going on trial for putting a bullet in her best girlfriend.

The next day, corniness ensues as the girls venture into "Ms. Jay's Fashion Madhouse". It's made up to look like an asylum, and Ms. Jay's running around like a crazed nurse. Like a DIFFERENT kind of crazed nurse, guys! It's time to learn how to walk, and they have to do it in straightjackets. Someone has finally watched this show, and made some appropriate suggestions. I'm sure the AUTISTIC girl is going to love being put into a STRAIGHTJACKET to learn how to runway walk. Between Ebony in the gold lame dress with the oxygen mask last episode and models in crazy bondage, this is definitely shaping up to be the John Waters season. Oh, and in heels. Kimberly feels her head is being messed with by the straightjacket. It doesn't surprise me that a piece of canvas with buckles can mess with her head.

Girls walk. Ms. Jay AGAIN criticizes Heather's walk. Heather wants to be shot and sent home. No sweetie, shoot the OTHERS and then go home. Ms. Jay is hot for Janet. Maybe he needs a free waxin'. Kimberly feels owned by her straight jacket. And math. And the pumps at the gas station. Bianca walks and gets the gas face from Saleisha. Oh it's almost on; it's almost there! Bianca is told to "soften her face" and she's focused on having her "signature walk". Ms. Jay criticizes her, and Saleisha agrees that a "couture" runway would not accept Ms. Bianca's signature stroll. Truthfully, it doesn't look original - it looks like pissed-off hood rat. It looks like "stop calling me and using up all my minutes, dayum!" It looks like "kiss my ass, and you can lick it, too, bitch." Saleisha gets compliments for her "gait". Bianca looks like she just ate a lemon and that shit wasn't Country Time.

The girls gather in a bedroom to have a modeling experience-klatch and Saleisha is holding forth about all her experience in the industry. Bianca is just lying there ready to pounce like a magenta-banged predator. Saleisha seems to be getting panicky when Bianca attacks and ends up standing up on the bed to give this weird kind of speech to all assembled. But she seems to be preaching to people in the back row. There's no back row, you're in a bedroom. Who are you talking to, crazy? Is this a press conference? Bianca lays there, throwing out casual barbs. Saleisha is sorta yelling about how she's not afraid of competition and plans on winning and the other girls look at her funny. But all hell breaks loose when Bianca tells her she's "borderline plus size". Bianca's tortures are subtle. Saleisha counters that she's 18 and has a big mouth. And Bianca does that bodega corner fighting style in which you just keep repeating the same insult over and over and louder and louder over your opponent's protests.

Bianca ends with a suggestion to Saleisha that she "check her thighs out in a mirror". And ends with "and I'm done". I like a woman who verbally lets everyone know that her part in the drama is over. This little kitten has claws. Sarah camera-abused wife making excuses that they don't really hate each other, and everything's going to be fine, and did you see my new contact paper for the cabinets? Bianca states that she will start cutting up clothes if she has to. Good lord. My favorite part of the whole fight is Ebony cracking up over those two. I have the feeling that Ebony feels this is like amateur hour and has shot a bitch before over much less. Bianca camera-defiants that she can be "very high-fashion" and "don't let the red hair fool you, bitch". Ronald McDonald's been known to say that, too.

Tyra Mail. It's the runway challenge! The girls already know. They better start mixing this stuff up to fool these ladies. Roy Campbell shows up. He's the guy who like took Tyra out of the gutter or something and she keeps putting him on every season. The girls are going to walk in designs by Colleen Queef or Quen or something. The clothes look like Alice in Wonderland banged the Jabberwocky and had a kid. The winner gets to go with Colleen to Paris next year and walk in her runway show. That's a hot prize. Way better than starring in the Old Navy penny saver.

Kimberly's like "holy crap, this is real, what? WHAT? ME? Out of the whole country?" You didn't win yet, Moon Face! Simmer down, chief. The girls get done up. The stylist guy is working an ascot and sunglasses and looks like he missed starring in an Andy Warhol short by about forty years. Showtime! Some girls kick it (Chantal, Bianca). Some girls look like they're at gunpoint (Jenah, Victoria). Ms. Jay reacts badly to Ebony barreling into Sarah with little regard for human life. Tyra's childhood Home for Little Wanderers counselor accuses Ebony of deliberately walking into Sarah. Ebony is unamused. Just tell him to check out his thighs in a mirror, bitch! That always wins the fight. Saleisha's going to Paris. I like when they announce the winner and Roy Campbell is trying to get Colleen Queef to get closer to him with an arm around her and she is not having it. She doesn't need rescuing from the ASPCA, thanks. Bianca is unhappy.

Tyra mail says something about being "high" and Jenah is psyched because bitch is a total stoner burnout behind the mall with one of those little one hitter pipes and are you holdin', man? The models have to get photographed on a rock wall. In high fashion gowns and makeup. Is the writer's strike still going on? An ex-boyfriend of Tyra's is the photographer. Is the budget a little less if we're hiring everyone Tyra knows? Janet is told to watch her neck, and Mr. Jay looks suspicious of her. Like she's smuggling drugs under her chin and that's why she won't straighten up. Saleisha has difficulty at first, but then she starts getting in every position ever. Victoria sounds annoyed that she made it into the final 13. I think she's done with this. Mr. Jay asks her how she feels and she says " I felt like I was a sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine". She got her shit from Jenah! Pass it, girl!

Saleisha and Bianca seem to have settled their differences and come together in comforting Heather?!?! Bianca thinks Heather will go far but she's going to have to "stop her before she gets there". Whew! I was concerned for a second. Carry on, Remy Ma. Tyra's rocking this Pucci-looking print with some bangs. She looks ok. Heather gets quizzed about eye contact and kicked ass in her photo. Janet's long and lean. Ebony needs to have confidence. Kimberly's told she looks like she "hit the wall". Kimberly has "so much more to give", she says. Meaning she'll give Nigel head if they keep her ass in. Chantal is told that she's a more high fashion version of Negative Renee from last cycle. AAAIIEEEEEHH! I would sob and weep and shake my fist up at God. Nigel is so into Lisa's area and asks whom she was thinking about during her shoot. Calm your testes, Barker. Saleisha is told to fight against being the pretty girl from next door. Yeah, good idea. Being the ugly juvenile delinquent's always a good strategy.

Victoria and Twiggy get into it, AGAIN. I love this! Twiggy tells her she's unusual, and Victoria demands to know how she's unusual. And Twiggy is taken aback and stutters and says she isn't sure and that she doesn't think "you should even know'. You're on a need to know basis, bitch! Victoria weirds them out. Jenah turns it out, and they don't even know she's high as the sky.

Judges confer. Ms. Jay feels Kimberly doesn't have any "nutritional fashion value". Kimberly's casting photo is her with just a friggin' vest on over jeans with her boobies workin'. Tyra can't get it out of her mind. Calm your testes, Banks. They note that Victoria comes for Twiggy every week. I'm excited for next week when Victoria pulls a piece out on her. It's down to Kimberly and Bianca. And maybe Moon Face shoulda been a little more magnanimous, because her ass is going home. Tears. Clown face tears! For once, I wish one of these girls would go home and trash the damn house. Cut clothes up and throw paint on the walls. Kimberly has a total ego breakdown about how much she sucked. Maybe you should go cling to someone.

Next - It's better than Christmas, Halloween, Rosh Hashannah and Arbor Day rolled into one - it's the MAKEOVER EPISODE!