America's Next Top Model: Deliciously Yours, Benny Ninja

Ambreal is singing Lisa, Saliesha and Jenah to sleep or something. Saleisha looks like she's in a dinner theatre production of "Grease". Ok, not even "Grease". "Grease 2". Get that Cool Rider! Ambreal fills us in that she's a musical theatre major. Oh here we go, she's headed for the bottom two. You can't have other interests. How soon did you forget the prickly girl from Yale that just hopped the bus outta there? Ambreal says that she thinks she's high up in the running to be America's Next Top Model. Who told you that? Did you let Nigel in your bedroom. That dog will tell you anything and leave you flat out. You've been warned.

Lisa says she overthinks everything. Lisa came into the competition and she thought she had it all. She had hair previously, now it's kinda sticking out of the side of her head. They really gave her a weight to carry. Lisa says she's focusing on her problem areas too much and actually making them worse. All you gotta do is learn to live without the pole in the middle of the stage to swing nude around and you'll be fine. Sarah finds Lisa's insecurity "annoying" and says she's "Debbie Downer". She's probably right. Sarah's makeover can make her look like a hot bitch, or it can make her look like your aunt who just got divorced and has a new lease on life. Lean towards the hotness, baby.

Tyra Mail says to set your clock. "Is it really that time," asks Chantal. A resounding "no" from everyone. No, dumb bitch. The girls end up at a gymnasium. Benny Ninja's here! He's so happy and and he's here to teach them how to pose! He's on a trampoline! Bounce, vogue, bounce, vogue! Trannie in the air! I love Benny, Janet says it would break her heart to go home because this experience is "priceless". Well, it's not...like...helping rebuild Katrina or something. It's a cool gig, but you didn't raise a habitat for a human or give birth. Janet's problem is that she has a hard time trying to get into these poses, says Benny. Well, she's too busy wondering who left that fork fall into the garbage disposal back at the model treehouse! Her mind's not here! Ebony is FLYING around that trampoline like someone's playing Smear the Queer with the Diana Ross CPR dummy. She's gonna get hurt. Poor Heather is not great. But she doesn't freak about it. I like how upfront she is. If it's the disorder or not, her quirks make me lurve her. Chantal is praising Ambreal. Ambreal is SO out of here. Lisa is scared of the trampoline. Chantal feels Lisa is not good enough and she doesn't know why she's here. Well, she's not the one asking about turning the clocks back....ok, I can't finish this insult because I don't know when this mess was taped. But I know it's not that time because everyone sounded like she was a stupid bitch! So Lisa knows when daylight savings time happens! Yeah, that's right! Stick it! Buy a calendar. Benny Ninja says their bodies have to follow their faces. Good point, I see why you run the House of Ninja. Shake the dice and steal the rice! God, I love that movie. And I'm a stubby white boy.

Sarah and Jenah go streaking into the pool. Ambreal feels it's the funniest thing ever. She must have seen Jenah's weed leaf tattoo. Janet feels a little more mature than the rest of the girls and shows this by practicing her runway walk in unflattering jammies as Jenah runs around buckass naked, wishing she was muddy at Woodstock. And it's time for ice skating! Heather has this feeling about the skating rink - "oh crap. Ice." I want to bury my face in her hair and whisper my gratitude. It's like Daria came to ANTM. Benny's on the ice. The girls are gonna pose in the air, ON THE ICE. And Lisa looks tearful. I'm not gonna fault her, I'd already be out in the parking lot. "Eff that, Tyra. My blood isn't going to bounce on the ice!"

Sarah says she's very tall, and awkward and she doesn't want to be flipped on her head by a very small man. I agree with her but why does her voice sound like she's aged since she got here. I'm telling ya, she's Aunt Sarah and let him f*ck his secretary - I'm going to take a class and find myself! The girls will be judged by how well they pose. Lloyd Eisler is their skater. Is he the one Kristy Swanson stole? Two fashion experts are judging this challenge - SNOW BLACK IS HERE!And the "Seventeen" editor but since the werewolf Altoosa left I could care less. Dani looks hot. God, I love her. And Dani DOES sound less country. They really terrorized her, huh?

And some of these male skaters are sorta hotsy. Muscles and a leotard. I'm feeling it. The girls pose on figure skaters shoulders. Ok, this challenge is dumb. They're also shining a big spotlight into the girls' faces. Janet looks like Mr. Magoo trying to find his glasses. DUMBASS challenge. The "Seventeen" chick feels that "Janet's anger was all over the place". Who's in it? Can your anger be neatly mapped? You're the editor of "Seventeen" magazine, you're probably a rolling wreck.

Heather has a rough time. That's an understatement. Bianca thinks Lisa was cheesy. But the "Seventeen" editrix though Lisa had so much energy that "it just radiated throughout the entire rink". But as she says this, the camera follows her being skated around the ice and she looks like she has a low iron problem or some sort of malaise going on. Did the "Seventeen" figurehead get the names mixed up? Ebony's sorror is...it's like when my boyfriend is doing fake pouting and he pooches his lower lip out and I just want to bite it off out of lust. Except she looks like an adult baby and it's creepy. Ambreal REALLY goes for it. She thinks that Benny wants to see her exaggerated smile. WRONG. Seriously, her teeth looked like glaciers. Put it away. Turn down the volume. Listen to the mistress of the House of Ninja. Benny tells Lisa she turned it out. Really? Why does Lisa always look like someone's about to hit her when they call her name? Did Bianca psyche her out that bad. Didn't seeing her get her head shaved restore her dignity?

Ebony's "sorrow" was "corny as a cornfield". Thanks "Seventeen". And Lisa won it? Did they watch the same footage? Girl looked like she was dying of consumption! She gets to pose for an ad campaign and work with Dani on a photoshoot. That's an honor! She gets to work with Snow Black. The girls aren't feeling it. Sarah is hating on Lisa and showing her Masshole roots by cutting her up under her breath. I bet Sarah changes lanes without signaling, too. It's how we do it out here! Red Sox Nation, represent! Sarah tells us that she though Lisa sucked. Ambreal is so upset about it that she has now retreated into the corner of the eco-model van and is highlighting something. Is she studying? Maybe Lisa's win wasn't in the original script she was sent and Ambreal didn't get the re-write and she's doublechecking.

Ambreal is happy for Lisa even though she doesn't feel like she did that well. Ambreal's having a crisis and there's a hood up and tears. Lisa, Janet and Ebony go to their winning shoot. The girls look awesome. Makeup can work wonders. Seriously. People back home on the Veranda of Smack are talking TRASH about Lisa and they agree they'd axe her ass if given the chance. Is this a stripper thing? Did she give a lapdance to one of their boyfriends and not know it?

Bianca launches the first salvo with "is that makeup making you break out" and the other girls are just staring, licking their chops. Man, there is definitely a jealous twat factor in this cycle. Janet calls them out. And then Mata Hari aka Saleisha tells Lisa what everyone's been saying about her. We got a conniver under that bob! Is she telling her because she cares or because she's trying to psyche her ass out? Only time will tell. Lisa says it just makes her want to work harder. I seriously think it's because she's backing her ass up on men from a stage. Women sometimes don't like other women who work that route.

Jaslene had her first appearance at Fashion Week. She needs to put some make-up on STAT. Because there's a muddy dried up river bed quality to her when she's without her face. Like a gnarled old man in the jungles of the Amazon. The river can keel you in a million ways, seenor! I don't know WHAT she's SAYING!

The Tyra mail is something about heights. Ambreal doesn't do heights at all. Janet appeals to Ambreal about her posing. Even though Ambreal's tired. Why not just say no, bitch. Get voted out! Mr. Jay's on top of the roof. Ambreal gets freaked out. And there's tears. The girls are going to be gargoyles. Heh. Heh heh heh heh. Yeah, gargoyles. Ebony's all set! But they're not really gargoyles, they're more like fifties juvenile delinquents who broke into a fetish club and don't pull a flip-out, Momma! Mr. Jay tells Heather she actually is a gargoyle. Orange you wanna smack a bitch, Heather? I don't why Sarah's saying everyone else sucks when she did rather poorly. Red Sox Nation represent and pay the mortgage on your glass house!

Chantal is such a dummy. "Mike [the photographer] told us he wanted us to be like the gargoyles on the side of buildings that are kinda, like gross." He did? He said he wanted you to be "like gross"? Yeah, act like a damn Garbage Pail Kid, that will sell a Stella McCartney piece. Her dumb ass saps MY IQ points! She ends up rocking it, though.

Lisa was overanalyzing again. She needs to stop thinking. Chantal, show her. Ambreal looks good, but she's scared. Mr. Jay's main complaint about her is "same face in every picture". Ebony is so socially awkward and the judges hate that about her. They ask her how she is - "fine." What you don't get about Ebony is that she IS a gargoyle and she doesn't need your ass! She has a cathedral to protect. You're just dots down on the sidewalk! It's like an ant farm to her. And damn, is she tall. She's a tower. Gargoyles could rest on HER eaves. She SHOCKS Mr. Jay. He hates that she was that good.

Tyra mail. Judging. Who's going home? Sarah? Ambreal? Lisa's main goal is to get called first. Ambreal feels the "devil is really after me right now". That's just Tyra, I can understand the mistake. Bitch looks like Satan. Or Satan's wig stand. A thick wig stand. Ms. Jay's afro is full and lush. I want to run my face across it gently. Benny Ninja's HERE! YAY! Tyra finally drills down to Ebony's problem. She thinks her gums are too big. Why does Ms. Jay give her a look like she just gave birth to a lawnmower? Tyra counsels her on how important smiling is. She sorta smiles, Dude, HEATHER must find her awkward and bitch is autistic! Chantal's shot makes her look like she's offering up all her wares to the world. Twiggy doesn't find it raunchy which Nigel marvels at. Nigel's boner is THWACKING on the bottom of the desk. Ambreal sputters out. We find out that if you're wearing big shoulder pads in a shoot, you have to "pull up". If you neck is high, you're a model. If your neck is low, you're an actress. Tyra is basically calling all actresses fat neckless bitches. Sarah's shot is ungargoyle and laughs at their judging antics, but they look at her and as if to say "bitch you don't laugh when we're criticizing even if we're acting it out comedically. This isn't Rotund's Laff Riot Club" And Sarah shakes her head and cringes away, knowing she showed her ass.

Bianca is told hers is one of the biest of the bunch. Lisa doesn't love that. Janet's underwear was showing and the judges don't care. Lisa comes up for judging and Tyra pulls the trigger on her and makes her tell about how the other girls are acting stank to her. Tyra is such a manipulative witch. She's Pavlov. She's like something's stifled in you, tell me. You know what it is, you torturer! Lisa says the girls are being catty and she knows they wish she wasn't here. There are Mean Girl smirks from Bianca, Sarah, and Jenah. We're gonna need a bigger bowl of milk. It's noted that Heather hasn't faced forward into the camera. Heather looks good at judging. Get it, girl. Jenah's blonde hair is WACKED! And they notice. She's told to look a little more polished. Meaning, comb out the snarls and put the hookah down for five seconds, stoned pigeon. This isn't the commune. We're not sharing our lives here and suckling each other's babies. There's no earth tilling going on.

Judges judge. They want less sexy from Chantal. Ambreal's doing the robot. "Let me vogue, you model." Says Benny. Tyra: "You go, Benny". Benny: "Deliciously." I LOVE YOU, BENNY NINJA! Sarah's not a gargoyle and in this case, it's an insult. Tyra feels that Jenah walks into the judging looking "so raggedy". And she's stoned. AND she's a bitch.

It's time! 10 girls, 9 photos. Do the math, someone's going to be giving an exit interview. Lisa got called first! She met her goal. Bianca is gnashing her teeth. Bianca is second. Ebony smiles when she's called and Tyra goes "what are you talking about, too many gums?" Too many gums? She's got two. She said she feels they're too big. Too many gums? Did H.R. Giger design her? Ebony's merely "thank you" and splits. I love her. She could give one what Tyra thinks about her. It's down to Ambreal and Janet. Janet's going home to remove more hair from taints. Ouch. Lisa's sad because one of the few girls thaty like her is audi. Ambreal's doing a lot of crying to Tyra. Don't do that. Janet's crying and says the girls are going to be lost without her. Does bikini waxing pay well? It must, that's hazard pay.

Next - Someone's the most uninspiring person Mr. Jay's ever met. That could be a lot of people. And a visitor's making Ebony's boobies bounce.