America's Next Top Model: I Am Not A Muse(d)

The designers have to make a dress out of this powder blue matronly thing. Heather starts pray to "please god, in all your glory" and here I thought she was strictly into Hecate, dark goddess of magic. The girls meet up with the designers and Lisa encounters the first fat gay boy, Angelo. He's a cutie patootie. He asks Lisa to talk about herself and we learn that she likes to show legs. Dude, just make that mother of the bride uniform into pasties and a g-string and use the rest to make a basket for singles. Just cut your losses now. Bianca is feeling Yoku or Yoko or Yoka (her designer)'s "Cleopatra" idea. Benny chimes in with a "it's all about you" and he uses his long digit to circ;e the air in front of Bianca and every movement of his is so very graceful and precise. He's an artist, an artist whose body is his clay! Seriously, I have to give props to Ty Ty because she employed Mr. Ninja a lot this cycle and I'm down with that. Seriously, get rid of that old British bag and give Benny the corner seat. Carnaby Street was a very long time ago, Twigs.

Richard Chan is the next fat gay boy. Show me a pose that makes you the model you are, he asks Chantal. She seriously gives a pose that I give waiting for a bus. Hand on hip and vacant stare. Richard says it has a lot of attitude and he's happy with it. No, it says "why is the 86 late again and jesus, I need to put another playlist on this Nano!" Jenah wants her small round designer to make her look like a rock star. She sorta has the hair under control and I'm actually seeing her beauty out of a photograph for the first time. Maybe she greased it down with bong water. Seriously, I can hold my nose, whatever works to tame that beast. Bianca is trying not to appear to be too stank while she's hating on her designer's ideas. She has a fussy face on like the milk's gone a little sour. Ambreal's designer could actually be a model herself, she's hot.

Heather's short designer isn't exactly getting her. Probably because she's talking about fire and earth signs and I'm with ya, bud. When people start dropping those, they're like buzzwords to search for the men's room, or another drink or a particularly interesting colored gel light. Or if you know the person a "Stop. Now." Angelo's even cuter when he talks and he sees Lisa as the girl who wasn't invited to the party but shows up anyway and everyone thinks she's the balls. That's a hot idea. Did Ty Ty ok this challenge because it was going to air the same week as "Project Runway"'s first episode and she wanted to grab some coat tail action? Benny has to mediate between Bianca and Yuku or whatever and suddenly she's getting a ballerina dress full of color. I thought they had to use a blue matron's dress?

The girls cuddle up on the veranda under a comfort. Bianca wants to win a challenge. Ambreal says she's confused by what the judges want. Everyone is. Dr. Stephen Hawking is. You can't try to understand it, you just have to pray for a miracle and "make it fashion". Bianca takes the time to tell the girls that she used to see Heather as a threat, but now she thinks she has an amazing face BUT "she has an amazing face". Cold. And by the way? If you're bringing this up, she's on your mind and you're still seeing her as a threat. Just my two cents. You can take the magenta bangs off the girl's head but not out of her soul.

Next day, time for the show. It's in a park. Direct sunlight is never good for a fashion show. Unless it's through the skylights at the mall. God, don't you love mall fashion shows? Girls who desperately want to be models forced to runway walk at a mall in Fresno with housewives and asshole skateboarders laughing at them. They can barely hear the house music to walk to because the children in Build A Bear are screaming too loud. It's like model baptism of fire. Screw Paris! Wig guy is here again with the newest creature running "Seventeen". I still refuse to pay her any attention because I liked Altoosa the werewolf too much. Wig guy is not a natural actor.

Jenah loved her dress. Bianca did not. Heather did not. Benny is here with a shirt and an ascot on. They have to say lines about their outfit. Models don't speak for a reason. Benny says when he says own it, own it. Bianca says something about Cleopatra's attitude. Oh poor Heather, she looks beautiful. But she can't pronounce "muse". Oh shit. Slow mo. Benny winces. Go help her with your House if Ninja powers, Benny! Run out and strike a pose to distract them! Work that brown ascot. She needs you! Damn, Benny. Don't be cold and sit there vogueing your hands over your face in shame.

She says it like "mmmmmuuuusssshhhheee". And the girls LOVED it. They want her to fail. Ambreal is SO annoying with her adult baby bullshit. Age regressed women are never sexy. Sorry. Wig guy LURVES Jenah. And she pulls it off. This still feels like elementary school paegeant time, so that isn't saying much. Lisa leaves crying. It's hard to tell because Angelo put a lace mask on her. Heh. Chantal says she's "ethereal" but "Seventeen" editrix thinks she walked the runway like she was mad at somebody. Yeah, Enrique Iglesias for not choosing her to star in that shitty video with the basement and the slutty vampires and the fight club and whatever gay fantasy was taking place there. Jenah and Saleisha pulled it off. Ambreal's called "corny" and "cheesy", and yes. Bianca's attitude overshadowed her dress. When they're critiquing Lisa, that lace superhero Georgie LaForge mask looks so cheesy that I started cracking up. Good for hiding tears, though. If it had been me, that mask would have been off my face the second I was walking backstage. It's just DUMB. Angelo, stop humiliating people.

Heather's ocean inspiration was "a pretty blah trip to the beach", according to "Seventeen". Hopefully this bitch is correcting grammar and not writing their copy. Oh who cares, it's "Seventeen" - girls are just laughing at the Britney Spears perfume ads and debating whether or not to start throwing up to look like the pictures. Bianca smiles so big and wide and starts laughing at the bad critique. So much so that it has to have been her being amused at something else and the editors are just doing their job. Which is to start shit. Seriously, it's in their contract. "Start shit", right under "de-accentuate Tyra's lightbulb head".
Heather launches into full hunched over "Goth Talk" mode and grits her teeth to tell us "I'm not the ocean. I'm not even a water sign. I'm a fire sign". Well, bitch then douse yourself in gasoline and strike a match next time before taking the runway if you're that literal. You need to work with what you're given, honey. Saliesha wins and probably should have.

Saliesha picks Bianca and Lisa and Heather is crying. Lisa gets her, or thinks she does in that scripper (yeah I spelled it like that) brain of hers. Bianca tells her to keep bouncing back. Heather's very upset and I feel for her. Because she's being asked to do things that are already difficult for a shy nerdy girl but then throw in AUTISM? It's like Chantal having a bear trap attached to her leg. If only. The three winners go to shoot holiday jewelry. The girls look REALLY good. Seriously, no joke. Lisa, especially. She's striking. The next Tyra mail is something about being set on fire so Heather should be psyched. Ok, then "Carrie" gets re-enacted. Lisa and Saliesha steal the shower away from Heather and she gets buck naked and follows them in to go beserk on them. Everyone is laughing and I'm waiting for Betty Buckley to get pinned to the gym wall with a basketball backboard. Or William Katt to get a bucket off the head. Nancy Allen and John Travolta better run! Ok, you get what I'm saying. Bianca is LOVING this and compounds Heather's rage by telling her to collect her panties. Seriously, Heather is throwing death looks. Seriously, you know the very end of "Helter Skelter" when Charlie Manson is bouncing on his jail cot and he suddenly turns to glare at the camera and they FREEZE on his mad glare and the credits roll over them? And it sends chills through your body and you get up to make sure the windows are locked? It's like that. If I saw that in my shower stall, I'd call a priest. And I don't like priests. Except for the one that touched me as a boy. I miss you, Father Richard. Saliesha quickly exits before Heather telekinetically stops her beating heart or lightning flies out of her mouth.

Bianca is still poking at her with verbal sticks and wants to know what her problem is. Heather mentions her bad critique. Luckily a Jaslene Covergirl ad brightens my day and lightens the mood. It's Jaslene grinning big down at the Wal*Mart! It doesn't seem like a very crowded signing. I swear I just saw a iron worker walk by with his kids and look like he was wondering why some gol darn female impersonators are down at the Wal*Mart. People are like trying makeup on in front of her and Jaslene is telling them that it looks great on them. Oh my god, I bet she never knew she was going to have to virtually work as spray lady down at Wal*Mart. They didn't even give her Macy's, the poor dear.

Ambreal calls home. She's still contorting her legs in weird camel toe positions in the phone booth. Stop. The girls roll to the desert. For real. The driver leaves them there, and they act panicked. The camera crew's still there, assholes. You're safe. Mr. Jay walks up. The theme of this shoot? "Models lost in the desert". And posing next to burning cars. Heh. Oh I am in love. We get another low self-esteem moment with Lisa. It's like those commercial PSAs NBC used to do. Except instead of "One To Grow On" it's "One To Curl Up In A Ball And Give Up On". She needs to pull it together. The makeup artist tells Heather's she beautiful and she's still talking about the challenge. And Chantal tells her to quit it. Wow, I'm agreeing with Chantal. Something's not right. Heather screws it up. Chantal wants to be in front of the camera all the time, we learn. If this doesn't work, there's always porn.

Ambreal thinks Mr. Jay hates her and is confused by his directions. What I love is when Jenah's burning car shoot takes place, we get a quick shot of "Anda and Masha: Wardrobe Stylists". And one of them says "great" while watching Jenah. Did they ask the director for a cameo? It's so random. But I think I want more. The names alone!

Bianca and Heather chat about Heather's shoot. And then there's a shut the eff up Heather klatch in which she explains her shower caniption and the girls shoot her ass down. Chantal says the most bullshit sounding "we're all here for each other" that I've ever heard. In her blonde mind, these girls are all on planes home. Be real, Sea Chanty. Time for judging and Heather is really worried. She should be more concerned that the trailer for "August Rush" gives the whole movie away. Including the ending. Thanks, Hollywood. Not that I'm huge into musical movies about orphans, but still. Leave us some surprises, I migth watch it hungover some Sunday afternoon.

Ok, so panel starts and Tyra is introducing the judges. And I'm terrified because when she introduces Nigel, what looks like a Christmas puppet pops up in the background. And only Heather seems to react to it. Am I autistic? Is that why only she and i see it? Her and I? Oh god, do I have a brain tumor? What the f*ck was that? I'm feeling my pulse right now. No, it's a Chinese dragon puppet and Jenah and Saleisha see it! Wig Guy is there, and a short Chinese dragon comes out. WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!? Tyra talks to it. Oh my god, I get it now! THE GIRLS ARE GOING TO CHINA!!!!!! Men with swords come out. And then Tyra lets it be known that only six of them are going. Oh, you bitch. Seriously.

Jenah's film. Mr. Jay once again uses "busted broken down doll" again. That's like his highest compliment. Heather is told by Wig Guy not to take it personally. Chantal nailed it. Ms. Jay says Bianca looks like she's the one that set the car on fire. He should write this column. Bianca nailed it. I'm still seething inside because she got these chicks all excited for China and now she's throwing one off the plane! BITCH!

Judging. People get picky. Tyra thinks Heather's hot and not just because she's next to a burning car. Finally someone recognized Heather's sign. Wig guy either wants to do Saliesha or dress like her. I think she might be hearing from Elite even if she doesn't win. Wig Guy doesn't see Chantal as a model. Tyra sees her as Cheryl Tiegs. Ambreal is SO going home. Good ole Beeyanka, Twiggy says and Tyra mocks her with "if only that was her name.." You better give her a right thrashin', Twigs. Wig Guy says Lisa doesn't look "fresh". Of course no, the chick's a table dancer. She's on the day old bread rack. But Tyra takes this opportunity to defend tall women and asks Wig Guy why the modeling industry is so obsesssed with "big girls being young". And then tells Wig Guy that HE looks fresh which actually means "your wig is busted, and you smell like lavendar and that ain't cute".

I know Ambreal's going home but I really like her last panel outfit. I like her jumper or whatever she's twerkin'. Salisha has a weird "going to China" seizure. We're down to Ambreal and Lisa. Oh oh. Lisa is already sobbing. To give Ambreal some credit, she keeps herself cool, calm and collected. Tyra says she's never been to China? Really? Wow. So bad actress or pole dancer? I'd go with the pole dancer. So did they. Ambreal dances out of the judging area. Awww, ok, she's cool. See - I have a soul! I think. Sorta. Ok, I don't.

Next - China! And it's the always terrifying "Cover Girl" video shoot episode and Heather loses it.