America's Next Top Model: Shanghai Surprise/Personality Crisis

Jenah's like "I'm killin' it" and it pisses her off that she's being judged because she's acting premenstrual. She notes that Saliesha can be really irritating because she's always jumping on beds and acting like Rebecca of ModelCute Farm. I'd have to agree, but that's probably going to get her the win. Tyra Mail explains in Chinese that this is the go-see episode whee!

They meet with a short woman and some Chinese model that adds very little to the proceedings. She doesn't speak English and gives out one line of advice and that's it. She's basically like short lady's purse.

Who knew Shanghai had so many fashion designers? The models have to be back by 6 pm. Don't be late! The enigmatic Chinese model has some advice - "show the best of you". This is delivered via the short lady. Thanks for that, Useful. The producers have finally taken pity on the models and they get to cab around with translators. Even that doesn't help some of these girls.

Saliesha meets with the first designer, Lu Kun. Add a "t" to the end of that last name and you'll get an idea of what he's like. Lu Kun wants to know if Saleisha likes to wear sexy clothes. Saleisha does not make him happy by explaining she's a jeans/t-shirts fan. Dude, just lie and say yeah. Unless he's trying to direct you to a bed or other flat surface for your back, just go with it. Le Kun isn't pleased with her answer. He finds her pretty but "dull".

Heather gets lost. Really lost. It's hard to watch. What? I'm not saying she's not a whole person! But watching someone with a disability try to maneuver through a foreign land in the rain and not knowing where to go is painful, ok? Jenah says "it's my first time in CHI-NAH" and her first time in a foreign country. She really takes to the "ah" in words, is it because of her name? All roads lead to Jenah. Chantal isn't wearing skintone underwear and oh she will be pay dearly. Lu Kun(t) fills her in. In a cranky fashion that befits the new last name I have bestowed upon him. Bianca's first go-see with "The House of Mercury" goes very well. She gets a cap to wear and a motorcycle to pose on. She's got legs and knows how to use them.

Chantal runs past a LED wall of blue cascading lights to meet with Flora Zeta. Who's a bossy moo. And will tell you exactly what you need to work on. Which is probably good. Heather? Still strugglin'. Jenah meets with Lu Kun(t) and it's a battle of stankness. Jenah tells us that she's "whatever" about the personality issue and as long as she's a good model - she doesn't really care. Heh. Oh, and she's a great model. But a huge bitch. Heather? Still strugglin'. My heart bleeds for her. She says that she knows Tyra is going to be pissed. Does Tyra really have that much invested? Hell no. This is a woman who's totally self-involved. Rumor has it that she won't even sleep with a guy because her wigs are too precious. She's not back at her luxury hotel wondering how you're doing.

Saliesha reminds us not to be late. Saleisha's strategy is to kiss the designer's asses. Heather? Still strugglin...until she finds the blue LED wall! Oh no, which means it's the nasty Flora Zeta. Who tells her that eye contact is important. Heather doesn't do eye contact. Heather's runway walk involves her bobbing her head forward and out like a chicken. It won't sell clothes, and it's off-putting. The main tragedy of autism is not being able to runway walk. It should be in the literature. Flora Zeta tells Jenah that her walk was terrible and she's too much like a "model". Jenah's reply? "Whatever. I'm too much like a model. I'll just go to the next one." Keep in mind that the editors are MANIPULATING you with this one. That's all I'm saying. Flora Zeta lets us know that Jenah needs to work on her....wait for it....you know it's coming....personality. We're with ya, Flo.

Saleisha runs into Bianca at her next go-see. Bianca runway walks in Saleisha's face. And pays for it. Because the next go-see is upstairs and Saliesha neglects to mention it. Even when Bianca asks. Under that bob lies a devious mastermind. Saleisha even telegraphs that she's being diabolical by making cat swiping paws. Even Saleisha's sabotage is cute! She says that "we can't be sisters all the time". Meaning I could care less that we have the same skin tone, broad, this is a competition! Saleisha is still kissing ass. A lot of ass. Bianca's reaction when she finds out that Saleisha played her - "you bitch!"

Chantal rolls up to witness Saleisha practically inserting her tongue into the designer's rectum. And talks the opportunity to complain about it in the hallway to the camera. And then goes and does the exact same thing. You know the editors high-fived after they spliced that one together. Models return to cabs and realize they only have an hour left. Heather? Lost again. And then? She loses her cab. How these models don't automatically take traffic in an over-populated CHINA into consideration I'll never know. Jenah proves to be the ultimate bitch when she takes the opportunity to pull over in her cab and mock Heather for not being able to find hers. I know it's a competition but give a girl a lift. Evil sow. And then laughs about it to the camera!

The only models who make the 6 pm deadline are Bianca and Saleisha. Jenah arrives and relates how Heather is walking around the streets of Shanghai cabless and knocking over bikes. No one asks "did you offer her a ride, Miss Baltimore Crabs?" Oh, and Chantal saw her, too. It's like America's Next Top Cutthroat Bitch. Heather finds her cab but it's not like it matters now. Just take the cab to the airport. Oops, I didn't say that.

Short lady putters up and does the usual anyone who didn't make it back here by six is an enemy of the state spiel. And when short lady says that they're disqualified, Jenah actually shrugs. Is she playing a part? In the van on the way home, the models yell at Heather and tell her to quit getting down on herself. There's a primal scream session. The girls get to go out to a rooftop restaurant. Short Stuff pops out. That would spoil my meal, and especially when she reminded me that I was disqualified. She tells Bianca and Saleisha that the winner will appear in the ad campaign for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and if they stand up they will see it. Bianca's name appears on a huge LED screen on the side of a boat in the harbor! Cool! Wait, were they posing FOR the Olympics? That's random. That's also a symbol of Shangai's seat of the pants-type advertising industry. They'll use any photo that fits to get the message out. Bianca could have been taking pictures for Always maxipads and suddenly it's for the Summer Games. Waste not, want not.

Jaslene's at Camden Yards in Baltimore, throwing out the first ball. Being unintelligble in a sequined beret. We'll leave Disco Duck to it. Drew Barrymore is still thrusting her melon at the camera. The boyfriend notes that it's like when you take a picture of your dog, and you get the snout as close to the camera as possible. Oh my god, he can be funny sometimes. I wish I'd said that.

The next day is the photo shoot. The girls are going to be Chinese princesses that must stand out amidst dragons and lions and whatever. And Nigel Barker's here to take photos, intimidate the girls, and procure possible future sexual partner. Girls get their hair and makeup did. Chantal's multi-colored eyeshadow is making her look wall-eyed. I don't know where to focus. Jenah takes the opportunity to mock Nigel Barker completely and bitch is playing with fire. The girls discuss her mistake. Jenah carries the sarcasm over to the actual shoot. Bitch, shut up! She tells us she realizes that when she got in there she realized "oh, I really have to impress, Nigel." Yeah. He's a JUDGE, pinhead. She's so negative that she even takes Nigel stopping to critique her badly and tells us that he needs to remain behind the camera and not break her out of her "flow". The editors are really laying it on thick. Wait for it....keep reading.

Suddenly Jenah is terrified and crying because she didn't get a good critique. Saliesha rocks it. Nigel tells Chantal that she's looking a bit Showgirl, a bit Diana Ross. Maybe he's NOT into skirts. Chantal reacts to compliments and breaks her own "flow". Jenah takes the opportunity to inform the other models that if she had the dress Heather was given, she'd be "workin' it". You'd better work on your personality crisis! Nigel yells at Jenah to shut her trap. Mr. Jay notes that Heather did poorly, and her pose looked like she was "sticking her hip out as if she was ready to go to the bathroom." What? How does Mr. Jay go to the bathroom? Is there a colostomy bag involved?

Judging. Tyra's intro photo is ridonkulous. The girls who survive this round are going to Beijing. Chantal is told what's what in regards to her punctuality. And her underwear. She's told to wash her panties in the sink if need be. Ms. Jay imitates a model drying her drawers with a hand dryer. Chantal is also put through a test to see if she can keep from physically registering a compliment whilst modeling. She passes on the second round. Tyra might be drunk on sake in this panel. She's wide-eyed and having fun with people's names. Jenah is finally on the hot seat. Get her, judges. Jenah is told that not only did she need to be more "personable" on her go-sees but she looked a little "messy". Saleisha reacts to that one. Nigel calls Jenah on her sarcasm. Tyra calls her on her cockiness and obvious boredom with much of this. Saleisha impressed everyone. Jenah hates that.

Everyone reacts to Heather being 40 minutes late. Ms. Jay makes her walk. And he tells her she needs a "Top Model ass-whuppin" and she'll be ok. He really likes her, I think. We all do. America likes her. She doesn't win Covergirl of the week every week for nothing. Which is why I regret to inform you that THEY SENT HER HOME. I can't believe how dumb I am. Why did I fall for this? Why did I fall for this "Bad News Bears" moment? Why did I really think she'd win? She couldn't without it seeming like a sympathy vote. She can't walk in shows, and she can't act in commercials. I guess that's the bottom line. But she can rock print and I hope someone's watching. How dare they manipulate me? They kept JENAH?!?! That bitchrag? God, I'm so over this show! Heather has a sad goodbye and just wanted to prove she could do it despite her problems. You did do it! I'll hold you! Come here, love! *sobs*

Next - I can't even look, I'm too distraught.