America's Next Top Model: Great Bawl Of China

Jenah talks about being in the bottom two and says it's one of the best feelings in the world, you should try it. The problem with her is that her sarcasm is off-putting and not funny. She doesn't have the charisma to pull it off. So she just seems like a douche you don't want to have beers with. She was better when I thought she was a stoner. Anyway, she's "overstressed" and can't let the competition "tear her apart". Chantal talks about how Jenah is falling apart. She's sorta smiling and I would be too. But then she's on the confession tour bus and talking about how her whole life has led up to this and she knows how it was meant for her. What, being second-rate and looking like Ms. Cheryl Tiegs?

Bianca wants her to shut up. They arrive at a beautiful garden and there's some kind of show going on that involves Chinese men yelling and marching and Ms. Jay's there. And Twiggy looks darling in a little house that's being carried on the backs of men. Way to be colonial, Twiggy. Ms. Jay and Twiggy make a good team. He literally could step over her. And the two of them give a whole talk about Chinese fashion! I love this! Ms. Jay and Twiggy should film some spots for the Chinese tourism board! Saliesha says something about how they can "show-stop" too. You haven't so far. Actresses come out, playing woman from ancient Chinese history. Ms. Jay should have played each one. Bianca goes "ok, is it over?" What's wrong with her? And why do I laugh? I'm as bad as she is. They're staying in a beautiful Chinese palace. I guess they're going to a mall. And they get the dresses the women from the day before wore. The girls have to make the outfits "their own". They have to take into account the stories of the "four beauties". Can I go shopping with Ms. Jay and Twiggy? Anyway, the girls have only so much time so they hurtle through the mall looking like they're mocking Chinese culture. Jenah says they're making a mess and probably "pissing people off". That's nothing new.

Bianca goes to the other side of the mall and there's nothing there. She's sweaty and annoyed so she sends Jenah across the street to the land of nothing to make herself feel better. She's not just surface evil. She's actually evil. I wouldn't leave my kids with her. So Jenah is wandering around, and is all "that bitch". Oh god, the "Seventeen" editrix that's not Altoosa is there. Why did they spend the money to fly this heifer here? Bring back my werewolf! She reminds the girls that one of them is going to be on the cover of "Seventeen". Well yeah, you flew three million hours for that? The girls are going to walk the runway. Saliesha's walk is smoking. Ms. Jay thinks so, too. Actually all the girls do pretty well. I have to say. Jenah wins the challenge, so stick it Bianca. Jenah picks Chantal to accompany her and they're going to get couture dresses made for them. Bianca's like "I could care less, I'm not gonna wear no couture dress anywhere". Man, those magenta bangs are growing back in as we speak. Why you gotta be a hard rock, when you really are a diamond, babygirl? And even better, Jenah gets a one on one with Ms. Jay on how to runway walk. Holy shite, that's awesome and a first in ANTM history!

Chantal's trying to figure out where she's going to wear her dress. Ms. Jay teaches Jenah. He's seriously effortless at it. I want a lesson so bad. Shut up, I'm still a guy! Chantal is told to shut up when she tells Bianca to stop bitching. Jenah starts talking about how she misses home and her boyfriend. And she wants to go home. You better freeze that, Ebony. It's down to four, and you can't let it get to you. God, I should be a coach. Oh oh, here comes Jaslene! She's practically yelling at us about being on the cover of "Latina" magazine. Oh god, and here's Drew Barrymore's forehead/dog commercial. Get out of my living room with your forehead, Drew!

The girls are off to the Great Wall. Where they just had a Karl Lagerfeld show, btw. I know fashion. Saliesha's talking about taking a piece of it. Have fun getting shot! Mr. Jay shows up. They're going to film warrior photos! They're going to try and invade the Great Wall! Get shot! TYRA's the photographer! I like how the girls pronounce the Chinese way of greeting as "MEOW!" like they're cats. They're not too insulting. Tyra wants strong faces but not ugly faces. Don't we all? Jenah is pissing and moaning to the make-up people. You know they're like "man, that chick is whiny" after she exited. Tyra tries to communicate to the actors playing the other soldiers. When Chantal says she could get used to this lifestyle I initially think she means dressing up in traditional Chinese costumes and pretending to defend the Great Wall of China. So, historical re-enactment? No, she means "jet-setting".

Tyra wants Jenah to know herself on the other side of that wall. Post-Jenah suit we get Tyra and Mr. Jay speaking to the camera and Tyra explains the wall metaphor to us. Thanks, Ty Ty. We didn't get it. You look hot in khaki and sweaty bangs. Bianca's up. Tyra imitates Bianca's stiff poses. I wish I could capture for you Saliesha saying "I gotta more than bring it. I gotta bring it to bring it and bring it". What? Ok, you're bringing it. Check. She jumps a lot and Jay and Tyrant love it. Mr. Jay and Tyra would make a good couple if he wasn't gay and orange and if she wasn't a meglomaniac. The girls then all get to pose together. The girls discuss being nervous, and Chantal's like you always remember the top three. Really? You do? I don't. I sorta remember Natasha, mainly because she was mail-order and didn't understand not winning meant you couldn't see your baby. Bianca runs down why she hates everyone. Saleisha has modeling experience so "it sucks on her part" that she's not amazing. Rraow! Jenah feels like she's losing herself.

We get a preview of "Crowned". Uh, um. Uh. Shanna Moakler? "The blondes created the bombshells"? You would pose with your mother for Playboy? Stop. Now. The winning girls wear their couture dresses to panel to piss off Bianca. HOT. Ms. Jay's Afro is GIGANTIC. Oh god, the "Seventeen" lady is here. Twiggy's like "Tyra, you're so good". Easy, Twiggy. Jenah's crying when Tyra can't remember their shoot. Tyra pulls the trigger and lets Jenah cry it out and confess her homesickness. Reel it in, Ebony! Tyra tells her it's "the best experience of her life". And you better know it! And learn it, Jenah. Bianca is stiff. "Seventeen" lady loves Chantal. Bianca now hates her too and will tell her that there is great stuff across the mall and run, girl and cackle about it. Saliesha's picture is animated. The face looks rough, but no one says anything.

The group shot divides the judges. Nigel wants Chantal to look at him the way she looked at Tyra in that photo. Calm your testes, Nigel. I think it's Chantal, too. She looks dangerous and beautiful in her pic. Tyra weaves some yard about models she knew in Paris going home in relation to Jenah. She then shows Ms. Jay what a swan song is. "Seventeen" editor uses "diva" and I'm over her and her tired ways. Ms. Jay refers to Chantal as a boat show model, and I'm still laughing. "Seventeen" lady is such a dumbass and says Saleisha has "sparkle" and "evil fairy dust". You run a publication? Jenah is so going home. Chantal wins. Jenah and Bianca link hands to advance? Bianca's hate ebbs and flows. I love how Tyra says "pack your bags and go....home." And she pronounces "home" like she's talking to a sad four year old. Jenah is so going home. No, she not. Later, Bianca. Fly your hate jet home. Tyra gives Bianca a pep talk. Bianca's cries tears of hatred. I'm waiting for her to slap someone. She's pretty real and says she made friendships with people she would never have really talked to. And she sobs! A lot. I'd feel bad if I didn't know she could be the stankiest of the stank.

Next - THE FINALE! I get to sleep again! Saleisha's faltering and there's a really big Crouching Model, Hidden Bulimic runway!