America's Next Top Model: Chinese Tired Drill

Jaslene's here! She's in some yellow strappy shoes, and as unintelligible as ever. Chantal just wants to be in her shoes. Are you sure? The girls are going to be pushing flavored lip-gloss. Jenah feels terrified. Chantal is perky yet delightfully fake. Until Mr. Jay tells her she's being a "dumb model". Has he seen this show? It's kind of what we're all here for. Anyway, after that coaching - she supposedly rocks it. Chantal tells us that she embodies the essence of a Cover Girl. Good vocab. Her reasoning is that she's friendly, and loves life, and loves delicious fruity lip-gloss. Sign me up. Wait, I'm sure I've got the first two down pat. Jenah looks lovely. And she's so ready and then freezes. She's like forgetting and chirping. The threat of cue cards finally inspires her to get it right. Until she ends it by chomping on a fortune cookie. And she needs to downplay those enormous frontal choppers, not highlight them.

Mr. Jay tells her he's afraid people might misread her insecurity for being bitchy. He tells US she came off as snotty and over the situation. Saleisha's up. And like the other two, she's dying out there in front of the lovely Chinese ornamental pond thingy. And she pronounces "thing" as "theeng". DO NOT go to Jaslene for articulation advice from now on! Saleisha needs a second. Or two. To cry. Collect yourself! Please! Then we have a stirring ANTM moment in which Saleisha doesn't want her dreams taken out of her hand like some bitch taking that bedazzled t-shirt out of her hand at the swap meet. Mr. Jay dials up his serious self and is all "everybody has fears" and "what do you think about my skull baseball cap" and "does this bronzer work for me". Saleisha climbs her orange-gowned self back on the horse. She does it. The girls take their pics. And we're RIGHT TO PANEL. Jenah luckily did SOMETHING to her hair. Or Sutan caught her. Or hopefully someone out on the street managed to find the English for "girl, your hair is wack". The girls are asked who should win and who should go home. Saleisha makes no bones, I stay and Jenah's rat's nest should go home. Jenah's not in love with that answer. Chantal thinks she has the most potential. And she's very nervous about saying it. Twiggy's wearing some kind of sparkly top for her last episode. Is that why she got fired? She tried to glam it up and outshine Tyra? Chantal wants to send Jenah packing and says that she's not sure she's the person she would want her little sister to look up to. WHOA. She cites Jenah's attitude. Jenah tries defending her attitude and smack down the "bubbly" girls. She wants Chantal's "amateur" ass on a plane.

Nigel thinks Saleisha kept smiling in her eyes. And Tyra notes "THEENG"! Thank you, Tyrant. Qi Gang's the guest judge and the designer who will be making the clothes for the final runway show. He's a cutesy little Chinese cub with an interpreter and spiky hair. I think an interpreter is the new accessory for 2008. I want one. Ok, I speak English, but maybe she could make me sound less abrasive or smarter or something. I note that Chantal's eye is falling. Someone should catch it. They are so determined to kick Jenah's ass out of there. Tyra says she feels like she was making fun of the commercial the whole time. Jenah takes the opportunity to say how she hates that the other girls misunderstand her personality. No one misunderstood anything. You're a bitch. We know it. You know it. The audience knows it. The doctor at your birth knew it. It's ok. Bitches get a lot done in a day, and usually live to a ripe old age to torment everyone. She says, "I don't have to spew rainbows" for little sisters to look up to her. "Spew Rainbows" is the name of my new band. Jenah looks ready to crack and Ty Ty is suddenly putting her talk show hat on and determined to have Jenah talk about her childhood sexual abuse. Or her mom who drank. In actuality, it's because she had to raise her sisters and Ms. Jay from under his afro of wisdom says "and you have some resentment towards Momma". Jenah breaks down and hugs her head. And Chantal cries. And the kicker is that despite this meltdown, they're going to send her ass home anyway. Poor thing. Your hair improved, though. Tyra says Jenah just climbed to the other side of the wall and found herself. Via crying and being humiliated on national television. Thanks for the quick fix, Ty. I'm a whole being now.

Jaslene's last Cover Girl commercial. I hope she goes far. Fierce photos and walk. Just don't speak. I'm not being an ass. I'm just being truthful. Why is this competition all about being a Cover Girl now? Did they up their payments? Chantal's pulling some dream I've been dreaming bullshit. For some reason, this cycle has tired me out. Saleisha is getting torn down. And she's crying. Everyone's crying. Jenah's out. Saleisha's like I LOVE YOU to Jenah. Enough! Oh it's a tearfest. Tyra's like Jenah has some of the strongest photos of the competition. Then why isn't she sticking around? Man, her suitcase is big. It's full of anger and spite!

Chantal and Saleisha meet with the goofy bitch from "Seventeen". She's hyping up "Seventeen". Jesus, even girls in Kansas don't read that dreck. We get sepia-toned flashback to Saleisha and Chantal agreeing to be the last two standing. Chantal is crying again. These girls cry more than Tricky Ricky over at ProjRun. The girls meet up with the Jays who introduce their runway and there's some sacred Chinese history going on. All I would feel is, that's a long-ass runway and plenty of opportunities for me to trip and fall and fly headlong into the audience. There's going to be 500 extras? Jaslene is walking, too! She reveals she cried in the bathroom before her final runway. Someone probably thought she was a transsexual hooker who was frustrated because she couldn't work the glory hole. Girls are made up. The tension is building. God, do I love the runway show. Mr. Jay needs a translator so he can successfully buy some Astro Glide after the show.

SHOWTIME! Saleisha tells us she's going to go out there and do it. Except it sounds like she's going to "Golgotha" and do it. Don't get creepy religious on us now, Mrs. Carmody. Just model. So, the judges walk out. I guess Twiggy never walked a runway before. Oh and then we get the foolishness of Tyra with a Chinese entourage with flags and other assorted bullshit. This girl's ego is bigger than my melon. And I got a big melon. Siddown, Tyrant. Acting like she's the princess! Shut up! Then her nod gets everyone to sit down? STOP! Throw her out of the country! People on stilts run around. Jaslene throws that trannie down the runway. Saleisha brings it. Chantal looks nervous. Chantal takes down a stilt walker. Oh lordy. I just jumped in my seat and now I have to stop typing so I can laugh.

.........

Chantal is a genuinely nice person because she makes the mistake of breaking stride to gasp and look back to see if the stilt walker guy is alive. We get it in several replays. Thank you, editors. Backstage, Saleisha is like "did you stop?" and Chantal's like no, and Saleisha's like "good". Perky doesn't mean you can't be cutthroat. Jaslene congratulates the girls. Chantal keeps repeating that this is her dream. Oh she's so going home. Saliesha tore up that runway. Well, at least for this cycle. It was a lame cycle. They have some lovely dresses on at the end. We get a fastforward of Ms. Jay's afros. And Twiggy is referred to as "legendary icon" NOT "legendary FASHION icon". She's out. Brace yourself for Ms. Paulina Poriskova next season. Tyra reviews their photos from the cycle. Tyra, we really don't have time for this. I need to get ready for "Crowned". Tyra, when speaking about the dangers of smoking shoot at the very beginning, says you didn't expect THAT, did you? Uh no, you're really clever. Too bad the green theme didn't last but three episodes. I find Saleisha's face in her Great Wall of China to be a little uglor. Chantal's walk gets criticized. Saleisha's walk is praised to the high heavens and back. But the judges decide that they each need to have some of the other's qualities.

I wouldn't see that bitch Katherine Heigl's movie if you paid me. Bridesmaids? Stop. Ms. Jay wants Chantal, as she's not as commercial. Tyra is shocked that these girls made it this far. Well, yeah, you sent the good ones home! Dumbass! Tyra takes a moment to complain about how she's going to crush the girl who doesn't win and it's going to be her standing up there and getting blamed. Can you take yourself out of the equation for once? Damn. It's that time. Tyra attributes their inner beauty to being from Texas and L.A. Uh, really? I've met some interior unattractive Texans and Angelinos before. Trust me. Saleisha and her bob win it. I guess. She did walk better. She crouches down to absorb her win. Chantal wafts away. Saleisha screams. I love when we get the kid photos. Saleisha screams some more. Setttle down. And then a lot more. Tyra cries. She has tears? We get some shots of Saleisha where she looks kinda....skeevy. Has she gone through a Coco from "Fame" moment? Is that the trend now? So much for the bubbly.

Next - I sleep and probably drink a lot. And thank you to the people who read these recaps. Your lovely compliments and taking the time to check out the recaps and the site mean a lot to this bitter bunny.