America's Next Top Model: The Proper Way To Refer To Someone As "Ghetto"

A bunch of shrieking models board a bus and ride through NYC. Ooh, that hard rock Marvita's back from last cycle! It takes about seriously three ticks before she tells us she has been "molested and raped". That was quick. Usually we need Tyra ripping that out of her at the audition. Don't worry, we'll still get that. Ratings and drama, y'all! It wouldn't be a Tyra Banks production without her milking some tear ducts. Amy, 20, talks about getting off the bus....and why is this bitch dressing like an extra from "Just One Of The Guys"? Seriously, like fluorescent hankies in her hair. She probably has a long sweater that she cinches with a belt and jelly shoes. Jesus, is that back? Looking like a total Lisa 80s queen? I better get my two-toned jeans out. I'm glad I saved those.

Girls line up in some kind of courtyard at some kind of university-type building. Ok, and the Jays walk out and girls act like Zac Efron just popped out with Miley Cyrus on his shoulders. What the hell? It's two middle-aged homos with bad fashion sense! Girls are literally crying and fanning themselves. Then again, if this is what the young ladies are freaking out over nowadays, the world has improved vastly.

Ms. Jay is dressed like a school marm. Mr. Jay explains they're now at "Top Model Prep". Oh lord. Shaya, 18, is really happy about that because she studied fashion (in high school?), and she loves fash...this girl's a model? Ok, I'm not trying to hate on anyone. Ok, I am, but I'm not. She doesn't really have....the model features, he says diplomatically? Is Tyra just choosing the twelve she knows she wants and then surrounding them with norms? What gives? Shaya tells us she likes to create beauty because she is beautiful. Well, confidence helps. As the Jays talk, there is one chick at the front who looks ready to faint. Can you get ahold of yourself? Getting on TV isn't that hard nowadays. Look at Spencer and Heidi.

Girls get dressed in their fetish wear. We meet Katarzyna, and if you think I'm typing that out for the entire cycle - you're wrong. If she makes it, I'm coming up with a nickname. Marvita tells us she's been going to therapy every Tuesday. Ok, is this chick safe? Actually introducing a hair trigger ex-con into the mix could make for a hot cycle. Skip a couple of sessions, Marv. Some girl named Claire looks like Bobby Trendy's lesbian sister on junk.

Some of these chicks are totally here for us to say "yeah, not making it". I mean, Marguerite's got whirling googly eyes. I mean, we all have faults. I've got a fupa you could serve dinner on. We trudge onwards through life. We get some foolishness named Allison who is ready to "annihilate the competition" because she's a "silent predator". And she makes claw motions. Go sit down, Allison. You're 18 and Marvita will break you. Fatima is from BOSTON! Go, Fatima! And she's from Somalia! She's in. Dominique is our first mannish girl of the cycle. She's in too, hopefully.

The girls gather in a schoolroom for Runway 101 with Ms. Jay. The girls have to wear backpacks with a heavy "History of Fashion" book in it. We find out that Shalynda has auditioned EIGHT times. Damn. But she didn't give up. Claire is a mother, and a wife. And eclectic punky. Lauren is our Heather walker of the cycle. It's literally like she's walking on knives or hot coals. Mr. Jay notes this. Dominique, our man, owns it. Anya from Hawaii has to lay awake for an hour at night thinking about being a model.

The girls then gather at a football field and former top models are the cheerleaders! HOT! Though, Joanie is much too good for this. There's Furonda of the rules, and the twins, and Jael! Who's probably high! The former models perform a cheer. Not hot. This means none of these women have found work, right? How can no one hire Joanie? She's beautiful. Oh, and Tyra busts out as homecoming queen. Someone describes her as "so special" and they have no idea how accurate that is. Tyra is acting and I can't stand when Tyra acts. Just make funny faces and give conflicting advice. Please? That dumb bitch Allison is acting precocious and I don't need that in a young lady. 80s queen Amy is working my last nerve with the Debbie Gibson vibe.

Anya comes into panel and lets us know that "I have fire. My eyes. I am driven towards the camera." Her eyes are on fire and she's running toward the camera? Run for a hose or the alarm! I would like to note that the evolution of Jay Manuel is still ongoing. Whereas I was all over his orange ass for being crazy annoying in previous cycles, now I like him. He's just over it but keeps plugging and I like that. About Anya he says "I see a model, but when she opens her mouth I just want to die". Precisely, Mr. Jay. Way to grow. Atalya has a lisp and Ms. Jay notes it.

Allison is that foolish girl from Wisconsin, the "silent predator". She informs them that she's not going back. Well, ok, no one said you had to. You just can't stay here or J. Harvey's going to have to send a letter bomb to the Top Model house.

Shaya is the one who looks a little...normal to be a model, but she's Mohammed Ali's niece. Jay trips her up on her fashion background, but she handles it. I almost like her until I note that she A) has a treasure trail thicker than mine (if not, what is that and why wasn't it waxed?) and B) says this: "Shaya is goofy, Shaya is sexy, Shaya is everybody's fantasy". She's smiling when she said it so I'm hoping she was fed that line. 80s queen Amy seriously looks like an extra from "Some Kind Of Wonderful". I really think she might have told Lea Thompson not to give Eric Stoltz a ride home. She also offers to show the girls her pubic hair. Huh? Lesbian 80s queen? She strolls into panel in Mom jeans. Please park your camel.

Whitney's the next plus size girl. She says she should be the standard for American female beauty. Ok. Marguerite is the googly-eyed one who I swear asked me for bus fare when I was in NYC last time so I'm guessing she doesn't make it? She's all "why hello you beautiful people" and tells them she's about to do her "white girl freestyle". Tyra gives her "I hate irritating white bitches" look. It's about her crush on Jay. It's about what you would think. Later on bitches get bitchy and start cutting up Dominique for looking mannish. Hey, that's my job!

Dominque lets us know she was in an abusive relationship. This is not a shelter! Why do these people come here? Didn't Jaslene corner the market on this already? Kristen's boyfriend and brother are both in the military and the bf's in Iraq. Sounds like there's a lot of opportunity in her town. The girls who are waiting do that thing where they try to have fun in the greenroom and dance and laugh but they're all just gearing up for a catfight. I like that. Fatima takes the opportunity to drop some Somalian wisdom and tells them they're acting ghetto and stupid. Marvita and Shaya don't respond well to this. We learn there's differences in how you can call Shaya "ghetto". If you say it sweetly, with a laugh, it's cool. If not, Shaya will booty bounce in your face and tell you what Shaya is about. Namely being everyone's fantasy.

Fatima feels that the rest of the girls are intimidated by her exotic appearance. Orly? Oooh, Saleisha grew her hair back! She got to the go to the Cover Girl factory! Uh....anyway, here's Kar-girl. She's from Poland, and she's an executive. The eight time girl walks in. Her name is Shalynda. She's got a perky voice, so it's hard to take when she's telling Fatima about the "ghetto" in her. So, it's like a heritage? A quality? What? She also acknowledges that she's a bitch. Which Fatima runs with. And totally gets Shalynda going. Mohammed Shaya has to hold her tiny ass back. Lauren, 22, punk rocker chick, points out that there's no need to scream. I like Lauren. She walks like she's been beaten with bats, but I like her. Tyra challenged her ugly-beautifulness. She poses for them by facing away. She's amazing.

Stacy is borderline retarded and got married at 17. Please pick her. She wants to give a lapdance. Stop. Aimee's a Mormon! Hot! Kim is form WOOSTA! That's Worcester, MA for the rest of you. HOT! She's a bank teller. I'm rooting for her. She seems a little less cranky than Fatima. Uh, there's a problem. She's...not that bright apparently. Tyra asks her if she steals from her bank and she answers in the affirmative. And when she switches up her story I believe she refers to stealing as a "federal affect". Oh, Woosta.

Fatima's up next. Fatima's fake crying to impress Tyra. She says everybody thinks she looks like Iman. No she doesn't. She's circumcised. Which means they take out the clitoris and sew the labia together. Oh, that's nice. What the f*ck are people thinking? The judges falls for her nice act, though. Not aware that she's acting the douche backstage. Anyway, people like Fatima now when they find out she got mutilated. Shaya tells her she likes her anyway. How would that have a bearing on friendship? If you don't have clitoree, you can't hang with me?

The Fatima love continues. Everyone's crying. Marvita rocks out with "do you feel less of a woman"? I have to laugh because her ex-con ignorant ass is brightening up my day. Everyone yells. Marvita and Silent Predator Allison face off. Silent Predator better watch herself. All the cheese in Wisconsin won't save her from a whuppin'. Marvita compares herself to a stray dog from the streets.

My new favorite contestant is Jenna. She's from the streets and almost didn't come because she just got a new car and wanted to trick it out. That is the best excuse I've ever heard. She's AMAZING. I want to adopt her. She says she drives fast, weaving "like a hairdo". Jenna, I live in Boston, you come visit me. I don't know much about cars but I will let you improve my Scion, baby. We'll really go for it. OH MY GOD, SHE'S FROM BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jenna! Jenna, baby! Can you hear me?

We have Jennifer from Orlando who has stretch marks. Claire looks like Julia Stiles, or Styles? And she's a mom and drinking her breast milk. It tastes like "light, soy milk". The boyfriend tried some one time and said the same. Ms. Jay is enraptured by the breast milk revelation. He wants to nurse so bad.

The Jays are here to weed out the real dogs. Marvita looks askew at them for this school bullshit. JENNA made it! Fatima loves her fierce eyes in her pass photo. Shaya did not make it. Neither did Shalynda. And she spent money to get here. Ouch. Marguerite of the wobbly eyes has to go off camera to cry. Oh Margie, The girls put on tube tops and Allison draws on her face for her senior photo.

Allison looks like Sarah Silverman. The girls are asked to pose with a fur pelt. It's weird. Lauren is going places, as she's wearing a black eye. I love black eyes. No, I don't want one. Fatima is trying run the photoshoot and is directing the photographer. Oh I don't care if she can't orgasm, she's irritating. Reconstruct your clitoris and move it along, Fat.

The panel meets. I like Tyra's top. 80s queen Amy is "dated". Fatima's walk is busted. Like her personality. Mr. Jay has destroyed my love of sweater vests by wearing a gold mesh one. He looks like Marilyn McCoo's gay nephew. Woosta Kim is accused of having a mushface. Ouch. Marvita's therapy is discussed. If you have to go to a therapist to hack this show, it ain't worth it. It's the CW. Tyra sucks in her gut as she announces the final pics. Just put the fat-ass bathing suit on and rock it, Ty.

Allison the Silent Predator makes it despite drawing on her face like a dumbass during the last shoot. Oh god, Kat-whatever makes it. I gotta type that? Fatima's in. Woosta Kim's in! Both Amy(iee)s make it. 80s Amy sorta updated her look but gold sequins? What I'm amused by is that Tyra tells them two Amys is difficult so 80s queen shouts "I'll change my name, I don't care!' Your forefathers must be so proud. Claire Breastmilk and Big Whitney are in. Marvita makes it. Oh it's going to be a jail experience in the house this cycle. My favorite Lauren made it. Rock it, Johnny Ramone! They didn't take Jenna? You guys suck! Tyra takes an extra chick. Dominique. Wow. Stretch Marks got bounced. Anya needs to stop talking. And it's off to NYC we go. And I am not watching "Girlicious".

Next - NYC! A Times Square runway show! And someone pulls an Ebony.