J. Harvey Live Blogs The Oscars!

11:32 PM EST - Helen Mirren can purr "ambition" and I'm hers for the night. She doesn't even have to buy my ass a drink. I hope Clooney wins because you know he wants to burn Tilda Swinton. I don't think Johnny Depp's getting the award. Just a thought. Viggo Mortensen's a hot piece who can put out a cigarette on his tongue. Danny Day won. He should have. That movie was deep. What the hell does wifey have on her chest? Did Diablo Cody loan that to her? Helen Mirren wants her ass some Danny Day! Get it, Helen!

11:25 PM EST - Harrison Ford's old ass is here, Diablo Cody wrote in a hat? Or did she just wear it for the shoot to prove that they actually wrote it. Tamara Jenkins looks like a hot bitch looking fierce on a street corner. Oooh, that hot stripper won for "Juno"! Her tattoo is speaking to me. Ellen Page is lovely, she's like a spring day that's not too warm. The key to winning a screenwriting award is twofold. Write a good script, and have an interesting name like you were a Bond Girl who does punky Internet porn. And we love you just the way you are, Diablo.


11:10 PM EST - Amy Adams is talkin' about music. She's got the boob separator on again. The music guy from "Atonement" wins. Hopefully he's discuss Keira Knightley's stank attitude. He's not. Damn. I need some grist for this mill. Gary Busey? Gary Busey, are you there? Gary, can you hear me? Tom Hanks is here. There's a bunch of service people in Iraq presenting. And they've got a twink up in Baghdad. Hot! Two hot Candace Bushnell New York-looking divas win. Finally, some style. One of these hoes is emotional. I guess she's fighting for my right to marry. You be as emotional as you want then, Weepy. It's about a lesbian auto mechanic? How did I miss this? I'd pay ten bucks. Oh, it's a short. Ok, 5. And then Sir Tom Hanks presents for Best Documentary Feature. Sir Elton John is a crazy bitch in purple glasses. You can tell he felt he didn't have time for this. By the way? This awards show is never-ending. It's endless. Like root canal.

10:59 PM EST - Jon brings out the "Once" girl to say her peace. Cammie Diaz is up. She put her blunt down. Cam's got a nice upper body. She has trouble with "cinematography" but I'm sure she can tell you that this is kind bud, dude and god, i just want to travel and see the world and when's the Chow Chow City delivery getting here? The guy from "There Will Blood" wins. Why do I find creepy Paul Dano kinda hot? Hilary Swank gallops out. She's hot. Oh, here's the Heath Ledger death moment. You knew it was on the way. God, everyone's gone!

10:43 PM EST - ABC just told me that Steve Guttenberg is making "Dancing With The Stars" sexier. Orly? I know I'm wet. Oh god, here's Penny Cruz. Bitch, what are you saying? Good, they kept her brief. Austria won Best Foreign Film. Go, Austria. I hate Vienna Fingers, though. Patrick Dempsey is "versatile and handsome"? Is this a Manhunt ad? I can state that the music from "Enchanted" makes me never want to see this horseshit. Some fratboy who didn't make "American Idol" is putting his heart and soul into it though. John Travolta dances out with a face full of pancake and a spray-on wigpiece. He better pray harder to Xenu or get some body thetans removed. Oh the pretty song won! I like these two. Make art indeed, lanky Irish guy! Jon Stewart just cracked my ass up.

10:20 PM EST - There's a Wii joke. Colin Farrell's pissed that the floor is slippery. The people from "Once" sing their song. Wow. What a lovely song. No, it's me. I'm still writing. This combined with Marion Cotillard makes me think the Oscars got a little bit cooler. Here's Jack Nicholson to rumble at us. People love his azz. He's here to talk about Best Picture. Wait, don't we have an actor to give an award to? It's Oscar 80, we gotta look back! Renee Z.'s been doing some curls. She's here to celebrate editing. Someone edited her hair. Leave Bill Conti alone. Nicole Kidman's here, sans veil! She looks luminous but she has decorated herself like a Christmas tree. She can go for it. If I was pregnant and had to appear in front of a billion people, they'd be lucky I didn't wear gym shorts and wife beater. She's honoring an old Hollywood guy. Stop playing the music and let the old dude speak! Calista Flockhart fixed her eye makeup. Robert Boyle is a spry almost hundred years old. I hope I'm that together. I'll probably be drooling into my gruel. He thanks "Nickel" Kidman for introducing him. That's my new name for her. Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks pissed off that he has to listen to some old bitch talk. Just suck it up, and deal, Grouchy. Damn, first he almost kicks my boyfriend through a door and now he's giving the side-eye to some old guy! Lighten up. Diane Lane has her fake I care what this guy is saying look on her face. She's just happy she doesn't have to call 911 on her husband Josh Brolin again now that he's a hit.

10:15 PM EST - And we're back. Is Nicole Kidman there? Where's Nicole? Probably in a veil since she had to ditch the botox. Seth Rogan, and the rotund teen from "Superbad" do this whole bit. I just want Seth to show his ass. You think I'm gross but he had a nice ass! It's time for Best Sound. I'm guessing sound guys will be allowed exactly 5.2 seconds to thank a bitch. You better hurry up with your speech, Frumpy Sound Lady! They will cut your ass off! Which they do. You gotta be quick! All I know is that sound mixer Kurt Francis from the Bourne movie has the same glasses as a 67-year-old Boca Raton widow. By the way, rotund "Superbad" teen, her name is HALLE, not Holly. You better put down your water pipe and study up. They cut off the microphone on the Boca Raton widow. Here's the lead actress monatage. I ALWAYS ALWAYS tear up watching Louise Fletcher sign to her parents. I know it was 2,000 years ago but damn. Forest Whitaker's in the hizzy to announce the lead actress. Ooh, this is a tough race. The French chick won. America opens its arms! Do it, Edith Piaf! She's so pretty. And she gives a hot speech. They will show her "angels in this city" line in every Oscar montage until doomsday. Did someone pay her ass? No, i will resist the cynicism! It's ok, Ellen Page. You're only 21, and you will have your revenge on Hollywood.

9:45 PM EST - My apologies, it's "Jon" Stewart. I don't need this pressure ! But I do need another olive in this martini. I like it dirty. Oh great, it's the "always fantastic" Jessica Alba. Like hell. She's so irritating and that wine colored ostrich on her tits is dying. She gets to clap. Way to go, Clappy. Everyone likes Jack Nicholson's sex mania whenever it's mentioned. He will be at age 97 and still the bad boy up your skirt. Josh Brolin and Mr. Tumnis roll up to present an award. The homoerotic tension is broiling. I'm guessing James McAvoy receives. I like shots of screenwriters typing. What is that? To prove that they actually did it? The Cohen Bros. won again. Have you ever wanted to know how they figure out who gets the Oscar? I didn't. Though we do get a shot of John Travolta's other wig. He ping pongs back and forth with the skypieces. Why is Miley Cyrus presenting at the Oscars? Where's HER wig? More "Enchanted" musak. The boyfriend LURVES this stuff. God bless his big dreamy heart. Something's kinda discordant about this mess. No one fell, though, so we're good. Thanks, Kristen Chenowith.

9:29 PM EST - John Stewart calls Javier Bardem's speech a "moment". I don't know about that. Just because it was in Spanish. Ok, he's making a joke. Keri Russell's very slender. She's a slender swan. We get some "August Rush" toonage. How come these people got a set? Amy Adams had to go solo. Hal Holbrook looks pissed. I would, too. A bad haircut and an air gun won the Oscar. Oh, Owen Wilson's publicist has him on to make sure we know he didn't succeed with the razor. He's introducing foreign film. Some pickpockets won. The French guy's wife is a makeup messiah. I love her look. She looks like Amy Winehouse got the part of Cleopatra in the school play. Why do they always shove some animation into this crap? I hate Jerry Seinfeld and I hate him even more as an animated bee. I would hate if Jerry Seinfeld as an animated friggin' bee gave me my Oscar. The guy who won best animated short is carrying a statuette of "Peter and the Wolf", that's cute. We get the supporting actress montage. This old stuff chokes me up! Ruth Gordon rocked my world, and yours. Katherine Heigl is sitting behind Cate Blanchett and she seems to have calmed down. Ruby Dee seems unable to remember filming her role. She's talking to the screen and muttering like "who dat?" Amy Ryan is a hot piece, she remind me of my friend Suzie if Suzie wasn't a ghetto angel. Tilda Swinton apparently brought her young piece, not the old one. Oh my god, she won! Thank your two men! Her eyes are so green. Tilda Swinton loves taking the piss out of George Clooney, she makes fun of his Batman nipples. Sidney Poitier's alive, everyone.

9:10 PM EST - It's the Rock! Who did he sleep with? He's doing visual effects. Ooh, hopefully we get some hot nerds on stage! The Golden Compass won. The sad thing is that the time they take to get the stage is 1/2 their speech time. Why do people actually think they can give long speeches? Practice! You know they're time nazis. Ok, they pulled it off. Cate Blanchett looks like she's smuggling a beach ball. The camera alights on Calista Flockhart and her eye makeup is screwed. Is that a fly on her eye. You think Indy would have told her. Damn. He'll pay for that. The Sweeney Todd people won for set decoration. I expected Vampire: The Masquerade to take the stage but it's an old guy and an aging tranny. Johnny Depp's wife is so hot when she doesn't flash her choppers. The tranny says a lot. I love how she says "Tim BURT-TON" in her Italian accent. Francis McDormand loves John Stewart calling Cate Blanchett a pitbull. Francis McDormand likes the 420. She knows how to chill. We get the supporting actor montage. Oh Cuba, where did you go? Cuba, I miss you. Jennifer Hudson's thick self comes to mesmerize me. Read on, Jennifer! Girl likes her cue cards and won't wear glasses. Casey Affleck's wife's boobs are killing me softly. I think I see veins. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a grouch but a hot grouch. OH MY GOD, DIXIE CARTER! Julia Sugarbaker! And that. Was the night. The lights. Went out. IN GEOR-GIA! Hal Holbrook is at death's door and you know that losing to Javier Bardem pushed his ass over the edge. Javier Bardem's mom looks like a hot piece, who likes her silver Gypsy jewelry.

8:47 PM EST - George Clooney is struggling to get his Cary Grant ass through a speech. We get anb 80 years of Oscar montage. There were some jacked up Oscar production numbers. Jane Fonda had some big ass hair! So Charlie Chaplin was like the Roman Polanski of his day? Someone fill my ass in. Why does that Celine song still touch my soul. Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell make it happen. Phillip Seymour Hoffman always looks pissed. Did you know he once kicked my boyfriend through a door? True story. Did Steve Carrell say "shit"? That's hot. I so hope he did. We need some expletives to redeem this morass if Gary Busey's not going to show and slug someone. Pixar won again for that movie where rats are in the kitchen. Which is totally unsanitary. Seriously, if I see a rat in my kitchen - I'm setting fire to the kitchen and moving. Immediately. When the music screws someone's speech up, I feel bad. Katherine Heigl is having some sort of nervous breakdown, and she might burst into tears. Someone should have had a shot before she went on. Or an oxycontin. Not so big-mouthed now, are ya "Knocked Up"? It's too bad because she looks hot. Red just brings out my acne. La Vie En Rose won makeup, hopefully the two people who walk up can give Katherine's ass a Quaalude or something. I think that woman is actually Edith Piaf. Marion Cotillard is so happy for her makeup people. She seems sweet. They cut Edith Piaf's ass off with the music. John Stewart sings. Amy Adams is acting like a weird creep. My boyfriend explains to me that she's parodying Disney bitches. Ok. But it's still giving me the creeps. She must be keeping up with my liveblogging because she switched dresses. The other one had one of her boobs in NYC, one in LA. She did a good job, but couldn't they have characters backing her ass up so she didn't seem like such a crazy? Ooh, here's Catherine Zeta-Jones and here titties on Oscar night. Catherine's hot as hell. Her husband is as old as grit. What are ya gonna do?

8:44 PM EST - We get a bunch of CGI fun movie crap. The boyfriend grooves on this crap. I admit, it's fun. Why is Arnold driving? Oh yeah, he's guvnah. John Stewart's hosting. He's talking about the writer's strike. Stewart's pretty funny, so I don't have much here. It's not an Oprah/Uma moment. Ellen Page is so dope. Who is hanging out beside Cate Blanchett? Is that some indie chick? I love her ass. Why does Tommy Lee Jones hate life? Bitch always looks like his truss is pinching him. People just applauded "Norbit"? The stripper who wrote "Juno" is there. She's foxy. I like how a Suicide Girl is at the Oscars. Someone needs to bring the class. Seriously, Cate Blanchett is sitting beside Emily the Strange. Marion Cotillard has no idea what John Stewart's talking about. She just wants a smoke. Jennifer Garner, fully recovered from Gary Busey trying to have mouthsex with her, looks luscious. Her boobs look kinda....compressed. I'm surprised because you would figure Rachel Zoe would have starved her ass. Costume design is always a sure thing when it comes to nominees wearing effed-up outfits. No exception. This chick is rough. In a delightful way. Barbra Streisand's reviewing her greatness in accepting her award. Is this going to be an Oscar-long thing? Isn't reviewing her gorgeousness Babs' thing?

8:23 PM EST - Ellen Page! Ruler of the Universe! She had some drinks for her 21st birthday! She's gotta be sick of these dumb questions. People think she cured cancer with her knocked-up teen movie. Here's Hilary Swank again. Some of these stars like to mess with the interviewers. How do you know when a role is right for you? Hilary shines her ass on. "Thank you, it's so great to be here". No it isn't, I don't want some twit yapping at me. Regis is backstage trying to get with some dancers. Seriously, I'm bored - can Gary Busey attack Regis? The guy with the stick from the orchestra pit is telling some story about a fire. Can Gary maybe smash through a skylight? Anyway, it's on to the show! Here's Regis walking around. And showing us the audience. Ho hum. Maybe Gary can hide in some sort of catering cart. Regis is tormenting Jack Nicholson. And here we go!


8:12 PM EST - Mickey Rooney's alive? Why is Faye Dunaway here? Jennifer Garner looks like she rested up from Gary Busey trying to rape her. Jennifer used Rachel Zoe as a stylist? Did she have to give her blood? The interviewer mentions they started their careers together. Bitch must be gnashing her teeth. Helen Mirren has some Vegas showgirl sleeves, but she can do wrong so godspeed, Tropicana. Daniel Day Lewis' wife is wearing some sort of drawer knob on her boobies. I don't know what that is, but I bet if you shine a light through it it will tell you where the Ark of the Covenant is hidden. Daniel Day is so talented. He deserves to win. Cameron Diaz sobered up a bit, maybe she smoked that blunt a lot earlier. She discusses Daniel Day Lewis' staying in character. I'm sure she used that technique on "Charlie's Angels". Amy Adams is singing tonight, in front of a billion people, the interviewer reminds her. Ryan Seacrest gave her back her purse. Regis is with some old lady who comes to the Oscars every year. She's like Oscar Queen. Do it girl! She's showing off her Oscar T. Regis wants a piece. Some teen queen and his hag won seats. Queen should have dressed up, a Polo from Sears isn't cute at the Oscars. This isn't the Independent Spirit Awards.

8:02 PM EST - Ok, I hate to switch over to ABC but it's time to get official. Plus, Seacrest literally worked my last nerve. It's on the floor, sputtering. Oh god, it's Regis. The tanning spray is not covering up the ancient. Regis is totally kissing some Clooney ass. He makes sure we know that he had dinner with him. I'm waiting for Gary Busey to attack some people. Clooney's chick hit the damn boyfriend lottery. She's a cocktail waitress! Some woman who I don't know is asking Marion Cotillard about playing Edith Piaf. I didn't see it, but the boyfriend did and we had to listen to Piaf throughout the apartment for awhile afterwards. Scientologists! Travolta looks like....Xenu has abandoned his looks! His wife looks like a damn Scientology gila monster. Regis has snared Laura Linney. She's the most. Seriously, I love her ass. She's a consummate professional. And very sweet. The woman who I don't know is fawning all over Javier Bardem. They're discussing Javier Bardem's hair in "No Country For Old Men". No one ever talks about the air gun! That was a hot weapon. The interviewer lady is like "oh great" when he starts speaking Spanish to the folks back home. Spanish confounds her. I swear to God I just saw Marlee Matlin with Steve Guttenberg. Marlee lost a bet or is it an outreach program?

7:48 PM EST - ET and the drag queen are discussing Anne Hathaway's Parade of Roses frock. Apparently her last Oscar dress was stank. Jennifer Hudson chose not to listen to Andre Leon Talley's jacket suggestions this year. Seriously, you could drive a car between Amy Adams' boobies. Kimora Lee Simmons thought Miley Cyrus "actually" looked very beautiful. So she thinks she's a teenage pig in normal circumstances? Hot. They keep calling Marion Cotillard a "fish". Seacrest is talking to Colin Farrell. And his mom. Mrs. Farrell needs to shampoo that hair. Ryan Seacrest asks Colin Farrell about whether Nicole Kidman is his ultimate inspiration. The answer's no. Colin Farrell wants to make hats if he wasn't acting. Well, you do need to cover that fryolater on your damn head! Here's Casey Affleck. We competed against him in Drama Festival in high school. Wow, guess he didn't make anything of himself. And look at me and my leaking skylight. This cocktail is bitter. Seacrest totally ignores his wife, not realizing it's River Phoenix's sister. Hilary Swank is accosting Seacrest. Why does she want to speak to him? Hilary looks awesome. I know people are always bringing up the "horse" ingredient. She's taking martial arts and hopefully she's going to spin kick his highlights. Hilary Swank opens up her bag to show Seacrest the contents and I'm happy to report that there's no sugarcubes or hay. Viggo Mortensen is such an odd guy. He's doing that Unabomber look that some actors do once they hit it big. There's no need.

7:43 PM EST - Oh god, it's Jessica Alba. I hate this bitch. If I have to hear her whiny voice discuss her jewelry one more time. But Seacrest actually one ups her obnoxious ass by asking if she's going to breastfeed. That didn't please her. She needs to do that thing where she hides her face and scurries away like she does at the gym. Diddy's here, shilling "Raisin in the Sun". Tilda! Tilda Swinton! Which lover is she here with? Cameron Diaz couldn't remember who made her damn jewelry. She had to ask an assistant. Cameron is all sorts of stoned. Bitch smoked a big blunt before this do. She's talking about Drew Barrymore's birthday jam and can barely form the words. Her eyes are telling me she just wants to go home and have some Chinese food and watch "Blind Date". Ok, ET Juliana just said she liked "jamming" to Pete Yorn? Does she mean f*cking? What does that mean? Is she a musician? Kimora is cutting up Cameron Diaz's dress, and she's annoyed it's not steamed in the back. They just described Marion Cotillard's dress as "fishy". That's attractive. And they didn't mean "suspicious". Seacrest is mocking Marion's accent. She should slap him with a baguette and move on. Colin Farrell needs a shower. TILDA SWINTON! My love! She's a glamour alien! She doesn't even have a vagina or a penis. She's beyond human sex organs. Tilda just said she doesn't get George Clooney's charm. I LOVE HER. Tilda has two boyfriends, she has an old guy and a young guy. And she's talking about pole dancing and mud wrestling. Can she take me on her ship and anally probe me. She's beyond perfect.

7:23 PM EST - Ok, the best thing just happened. Gary Busey is attacking people on the red carpet! He's attacking Ryan Seacrest! He's attacking Jennifer Garner! He's attacking Laura Linney! They're trying to leave. Gary Busey is mental. Seth Rogan and the heavy kid from "Superbad" are trying to get in on the action. Gary Busey is terrifying everyone. He literally looks like he just staggerd off Victor Frankenstein's slab. Where's the neck bolts? Seacrest is TERRIFIED. Laura Linney rescued Jennifer, but said to hell with Seacrest. You're on your own, Mary! Ryan Seacrest asked Seth Rogen about his ass. I would too, Seth Rogan's a piece. Jennifer Garner was horrified that Gary Busey just kissed her neck on the red carpet and expressed this. This was probably the best part of the Oscars this year. I'm going to refer back to it throughout the evening. It made me cringe and howl with laughter. Seacrest is asking Miley Cyrus for an autograph. Miley is reading off some sort of cue card her people gave to her. They shoot back to Jennifer Garner and she looks composed. Maybe Laura gave her a Xanax in between cameras and interviews. Ooh, here's Kimora! With ET. Phone home, Juliana. They're reviewing Garner's outfit. Her hair looks tousled. Kimora finds that people are playing it safe which reads boring. Kimora has also decided that red is the color of the night and that she needs someone to drizzle perfumed oils on her right now or she's walking off this set, damnit. Seacrest is verball raping Keri Russell. She looks like a swan. Keri is a very sweet person. I photographed her once. Keri's husband looks like a sensitive artist type. But I heard he's in construction. They put Keri through this terrible E! dumb question thing about math, and Keri makes this sad, fussy face like she knows she has to make herself look like a douche on national television because of E!'s attempts to stave off boredom. Just let Gary Busey ask the questions! He'll punch people in the face and then try to hump their dogs! Ok, I'm not sure who brings their dog to the Oscars but you smell what I'm stepping in.

7:06 PM EST - Good evening, and welcome to "A Socialite's Life"! I'm J. Harvey, and I'll be your official blogger for the evening covering the Oscars! Can you feel the electricity! I'm currently watching the red carpet on E! That Juliana ET looking broad and Ryan Seacrest are runnin' thangs. ET is stuck with Kimora Lee Simmons who is a big mouth drag queen, so we sorta need her. Kimora is wearing a million dollar hairpiece. She makes sure we know about it. Hopefully someone mugs her hair. Things are already off to a rousing start as my hatred for Ryan Seacrest grows for leaps and bounds. Steve Carrell is dutifully putting up with his dumb, gay ass. He should really just punch him out. He's talented, he'll make it funny. Patrick Dempsey's date is one of those hot pieces that you divorce when she hits 40 and you take up with the co-star. The ex-wife actually makes a mint and either goes on to date a professional football player or shoots you in your bed. Don't hate, it happens. Ooh, Scientologists!The spaceship just landed on the red carpet. Travolta, his wife, and his wig. Oh, and his gayness. Actually, it's not a wig...it's some sort of spray-on shit. Even Seacrest is freaked out by Travolta and he hustles them along. Here's the Rock. He's a big masculine man. Seacrest's panties must be in a moist bunch. The Rock didn't bring a date. Seacrest wonders if he can somehow slip his cell digits on the back of a business card and slip it in Rock's coat pocket. He also just mentioned "his glutes" to the Rock. This bitch doesn't exactly talk in code. James McAvoy is messing up the cuteness with some chin pubes, I'm not a fan. He needs to drop the faun bit. I like his date, she looks like she might have not gotten the Bananarama job but managed to latch onto an actor. Amy Adams looks good, except she has like a football field between her boobs. Her golden mesh purse is fascinating Ryan Seacrest. He wants one of his own to put his Tampax in. Amy Adams is like worried this bitch isn't going to give her bag back. She's like it doesn't go with your ugly tux, ass. They really don't give Juliana ET anything to do. Where's Kimora? Probably going to adjust her tuck.

Watching Ryan Seacrest talk to George Clooney makes me want to kill myself. Is George Clooney our lord and savior? Wasn't his ass on "Facts of Life"? People need to chill. God, Unicef or the UN nominates him as ambassador and suddenly he's ending strikes and saving the world. Enough. Jason Bateman just inferred Clooney's hair is fake, which redeems him in my eyes. Normally I find him annoying. Ok, I'm sorry it's only 6:52 PM EST and I'm jumping the gun but I don't want anyone to miss anything.

Testing. I'm watching that ET-looking anchor chick from E! talk about Angelina's baby bump with some queen. Oooh, it's on now. Ryan Seacrest is wearing some incredibly ugly D&G tux. Heidi Klum is wearing some red gown and Seacrest is so faking that he's hitting on her. Gaywad. Heidi Klum is talking about how heart disease is the number one killer of women and she's smiling while she's saying it. She might be a demon. George Clooney showed up and Seacrest cut the interview short so he could go be moist somewhere. And it's only 6:27 PM EST! The night is young!