Dirt: This Show Is All About Courtney Cox's Hair

Will Ferrell is kind of a douche. A couple of funny lines, but why does he think we all want satire after satire of sports? We get it, you're tall and annoying. Fine! Courtney's up in her hospital bed and running things. By the way, the opening credits with the Richard Linklater-esque animation? Doesn't fit the concept for some reason. So Courtney is asking for sales figures and she's a cold hard bitch even with a pressure bandage on her gut! Don kicks the staff out of her area (urea) despite Courtney's protests that she wants to continue to intimidate people and get her mag out on the stands.

Apparently, Don takes meds for his condition. Courtney says she could feel Don waiting for her when she was out. You can drink Starbucks in your hospital bed? Courtney's actor f*ck buddy shows up and Don relays his reviews. Don's special. Is this bitch "Rainman" all the time? Or does he have his moments? Holt, the FB, looks all pale and tragic like Mrs. White in "Clue". Don's apartment is dominated by a gigantic scratching post. That's a big cat he must have. Holt wants Courtney to know he missed her.

Courtney is visited by some emo guy with a dog. Pet therapy. I'm glad it's a dog because if it was a cat, I would refuse it or possibly hurl my bedpan at the cat. Cats are evil. Pet therapy douche is interrogating Courtney about the actress who sliced her up. It turns out Pet Therapy Douche is actually a reporter for The L.A. Weekly and Courtney prepares to have him thrown out. His name is Farber Kaufman. Is anyone named Tim around here? Anyway, after a tete-e-tete, Courtney hires his emo-haired ass. That was quick. Does this mean I can get a job with Page Six if I roll up on Richard Johnson with a trained capuchin monkey?

Don's at home with his cat in bed. I'm getting hives just thinking about this arrangement. His cat begins talking to him. And says goodbye. Don wears a hat to bed? Oh, so he's better and the cat bids farewell. Some knocked up chick bears sales figures, and there's some new magazine and all hell breaks loose. Courtney might want to take a pill or a vacation and ease up on her job. Britney will still be there. Don freaks the hell out about how Courtney almost bought it. She has to talk his ass down. She gives him pudding. She needs to see the cover, and does. Pregnant lady goes into labor and Courtney throws the cover at her to wipe it up with. We get it, you're tough as nails and don't give en eff. Courtney flees the hospital in a cute little leather jacket. That must be some cover.

Courtney rolls up on her cheesy magazine. Some queen with highlights and a stud gives her the throne back. It turns out she's pissed because they had the story of the year (loony actress stabbing Courtney) and their cover sucked and it didn't sell. Oh my god, Rihanna works at Dirt? That's hot. Please don't stop the music! Courtney gives Emo Boy a desk. The desk belongs to some boring blond chick who must be a main character because she has a couple of lines. Boring like a fishing show. Courtney rips apart the current issue. Some pregnant Anna Nicole Smith-type is on bedrest to keep her away from booze. Oh, has she been dead long enough that we can mock it? Anyway, Anna Nicole had a baby with her lawyer or some shit and it's this whole deal.

By the way, if "Stop-Loss" with Ryan Phillipe and Channing Tatum is a love story, I'm there. That's a lot of cowboy hats and bare chests and subtext. Willa, the human fishing show, gives Courtney some apology for trying to run the magazine while she was laid up after the stuck pig incident. The less perky Willa the better. Don calls Courtney from his shrink's office. These two are close. Willa goes to see Anna Nicole, and meets the sleazy lawyer/babydaddy and the Daniel Smith stand-in. This is ouchie. Didn't she like, die a couple of months ago. If this chick has a dog named Sugarpie, I'm out. Willa talks about giving them the cover, and inquires about a possible marriage. That ain't happenin'. I recognize the actor playing the lawyer from "Felicity" where he was amusing. Anna Nicole babbles and lawyer/babydaddy tells Willa what's quotable. They want 750K for the baby pics. That's some sluttery right there.

Don speaks with his shrink, who's a matronly lady who's shooting him up in the ass with some meds. For a grizzled guy, he's got a nice set of cakes. Wow, I must be hard up. Drama ensues when his ride Courtney shows up at the same time as some Paris Hilton-looking trashbag leaves with weird shit on her face. Courtney races through the parking lot in her hot silver ride to allow Don to get a photo of her. I didn't know this show had car chases! Courtney popped a staple. It's ok, because the chase was orgasmic for her. This show is really, really bad.

Some skeeze nurse sells Courtney and Don a story about how Anna Nicole's son od'ed and is in a coma. Fer chrissakes, what if I get popular? And I have prostate surgery? And the orderly sells photos of my catheter? There's no privacy anymore! Daniel Smith's doppleganger called Willa with some info before he OD'ed. Did I mention the Russian mafia's involved in this story? Did I mention this show isn't going to be winning any Emmys anytime soon? Does Courtney live in a dojo? Is she a samurai? She's got a kickin' body, though. And that mane! So Don just hangs out with Courtney up in her crib? This is a platonic romance like no other.

Courtney goes into work the next day. Anna Nicole had her baby. Courtney wants a hair sample for a DNA test. This chick goes ALL OUT. The only enjoyable part of this show occurs when her new assistant shows up. He's an adorable bear with like Tourette's or something. He finds out her last dude got shot in the head (?!?) and he goes into chanting. But she hires him anyway. I like Kenny! He's cute! The Paris Hilton douche with the face grease turns out to have been chasing the mother of her assistant. Ooh, shades of Lohan! Emo Boy goes to some employment Google guy to find out why the Mom was being yelled at. It turns out that Mom's her dealer or something. I'm nodding off. This show needs to be in high def or something, because I'm nodding off. Emo Boy's writing isn't gross enough for Courtney and her silky pelt and he's flustered.

A completely ridiculous scene ensues in which Courtney rakes Anna Nicole over the coals. She tricks her into believing the son's out of his coma and wants to talk about how his Mom tried to kill him. And Courtney is also in possession of DNA results which indicate that the baby doesn't belong to the lawyer guy. Is she a magazine editor or CSI? Anyway, Anna Nicole denies she's killing everybody but she makes the cover anyway. I myself am thinking I want a feta and tomato omelette. Wait, is that Joanie from Top Model in some bullshit commercial for Dirt's online presence? That's a sad one. She's way too pretty.

Paris Hilton girl breaks in and starts screaming. Courtney tells her they won't run the drug story but she has to give Don access to her daily life for at least 20 covers. Paris lights up a butt and starts vaguely threatening Courtney and referencing her recent stabbing. Wait, is that Chrissie from "Growing Pains"? Can she get me in touch with Kirk Cameron? I need Jesus. My god, Courtney should start a line of wigs! Courtney persists, and Paris puts out her smoke on the rug and exits. Willa and Emo Boy get into it, and he wonders if she threw out her ethics and education when she came to work for Dirt. First off, her outfit is atrocious and who ever is costuming her should be taken out and shot behind the chemical shed. She points out that the same could be said for him. Seriously, maybe with a side of homefriends. And a Bloody Mary!

Courtney and Don go to lay some flowers on a cat grave. I have no idea. They talk about her coma, and his newfound risk aversion. She mentions she crossed over to the other side when she almost died. The sixth season of Buffy this isn't. They pay respect to the dead cat (stop.) and turn to enjoy the bloody moon. Uh. I think my senior year production of "West Side Story" had more dramatic impact. The photographer guy isn't bad, but Courtney's hair is the real star here.

Next - hopefully a long scene of Courtney Cox shampooing. That's the only thing that could redeem this.