Project Runway: The End Of Fierce

Rami is rocking some fashiony jeans that I could never afford. Or could never be homosexual enough to wear. As Rami shows Tim his collection, Christian is over in the corner and it's "All About Eve". The concern and jealousy inherent in even the screwing on of a bottled water cap is palpable. It's good to see that even cocky 21-year-old twinky hipsters can fall apart when it's on the line. It makes him all the more human.

Tim wants to know if Christian is "overdesigned". Tim notes that Christian is nervous and wants to know where Ferosha went. "I took a break" is Christian's response. Christian did A LOT of hats. We've got ripply hats, feathery hats, large disc hats. You wouldn't want to sit behind Christian's collection in the movie theatre. Christian talks about how awesome Rami and Jillian's collection is. Damn, he is falling apart inside. Maybe he should have spent less time on the hats, or maybe skipped that Leslie and the Lys concert and concentrated more on his designs.

It's time to cast some models. Christian does his model walk and shows off the spiritual vagina that he was born with. He's rocking ANOTHER hat. This time a Roman centurion in the arena type thing. Watch the hats win it for him. He says his collection needs strong confidant girls. No, your collection needs some goth trannie robots. That's the only category that can bring all these chapeaus to life.

It's Jillian's first casting. Models walk. Christian's looking for "fierce tallness" and "walks for days". So an enduring Amazon. I'd say Jessica Biel, but she's a guy. Designers go to bed after seeing all the "gorg" models. The next day, everyone meets with Capt. Loreal Paris, small bulldog makeup queen Collier Strong. That name was so picked in college when he decided to be someone else and not the scared little gay boy his parents tormented for so many years. Models' faces are "chiseled" via Loreal Paris. That sounds painful.

Models are sealed into clothing. One of Christian's models has a waist the size of my wrist. And despite being a pudgy Irishman, I have petite wrists. I should wear tennis bracelets! But I don't. It's model chaos. Christian shoves his bitches into some unearthly designs. Rami notes that Christian needs to learn about designing clothes for women, not models. Noodles has a point. Rami sounds very concerned about this, kind of like when Jennifer Aniston talks to me about how my kid has cancer before the movie starts.

Christian refers to the shoes from his collection as "flawless". His models see them as "agonizing". Christian doesn't care. As long as they can walk down the runway and avoid looking like bears dragging bloody traps from their ankles, he's happy. Christian reveals that he wore the shoes himself around his apartment for a week and he pulled it off. Wow. Why does that seem like it really happened. Christian tells his models to be really skinny and not to eat before the show. Nothing would be more fashion than models collapsing in his designs on the runway. Drama IS fashion.

Jillian feels like her model look isn't consistent. And she tries to switch a model out at the last minute. Christian brings Ferosha Coutura back and tells us that Jillian sucks at casting, that none of her models look similar and it's her own fault. Jillian clutches her head in indecision. Just think of your culottes and lighten up. It's not that bad.

Jillian is tweaking about her model selection the next day. She's trying to get some more. The model wrangler/pimp tells her via phone that it will be really hard to pull in another girl and it's too last minute. Are you f*cking kidding me? This is NYC! Everyone's a model. Tell him to get his gay ass out onto the street and just start plucking tall, oogly bitches off the sidewalk. He's full of shit! Rami tells her to focus on the positive. Her horse blanket miniskirt and braided belt won't let her.

Designers meet with Tresemme hair queen Nathaniel to discuss model hairstyles and complete Tresemme's Bravo product placement contract. Jillian wants her models' hair to be "floaty, bouncy perfect". Don't we all want our hair to be that way? Models show up. Christian puts one of his in a feather shirt. Seriously, I'm nervous about bird flu. I don't want to die. Jillian says the "story the models were telling me was worrying me". Was it about global warming? What is she talking about? I think she means how they all appeared in her collection, but I seriously think dementia has set in with her.

It's time for one less gather round with Tim. The order will be Jillian, Rami, and Christian. Tim tells them that they're all "superb" and "an inspiration" for him. Deep. It's time, everyone. Take your seats. Designers walk up to Bryant Park and we get some ambient music like everyone just reached the peak of K2 and Rami talks about standing in front of the "heartbeat of the fashion industry". I get to see the room in which I was denied press credentials but that kiss ass queen from "Pink is the New Blog" not only got invited by Nina Garcia but got an outfit sent to him for the event. Damn, it's hard to be ghetto in this industry. The room is forbidding and the runway is looonnngggg.

Backstage, it's chaos. Jillian directs dressers on last minute changes to her garments. Christian can't find his models. They were really late, and he's over them. I would hack and slash. Also, it looks like Christian is walking the piratey outfit he won the art challenge with. Can you do that? 1 hour until showtime! Past designers talk to the press. There's Laura! Heterosexual Kevin looking beefy! Andre, not crying! Andre and Ricky should open a facial tissue business for all the tears. Jack and some queen with a faux-hawk. I thought that shit was outlawed and had trickled down to the straight boys? And I thought he was with Kevin now? Bitch is dawgin' people out!

Two of Christian's models are crazy late and it's "not cute" for him. Seriously, I'd go after them with a hot iron like Janet Jackson's mom on "Good Times". 30 minutes! There's the two hosts from "Make Me A Supermodel" so Bravo can cross promote. That annoying queen Jay who won the first ProjRun. And Kane lost some weight. Here's Fern Mallis, bitch is always in the house at Bryant Park. Christian is almost crying because he's missing one model. Then she shows up and she looks really dumb or like she might be having some sort of strokelet. Model stroke!

Victoria Beckham's in the hizzy and wearing a tangerine. Here's Rami Noodles' family and friends and one of his relatives is a beefy brotha and I'm all about it. Christian's family is here, and his sister dyed her hair a sullen brown. I liked her better when she was punk in the Polaroid. Christian notes his lack of opportunities and applies some hairspray to get himself through that introspective moment. Jillian gets choked up over her creations. She needs to get choked up over culottes and do away with them.

Showtime. Heidi perks out. You would think she would dress up. She's rockin' jeans. I know they must cost bank, but still. Also in the house is Ted from "Queer Eye" and the Asian actress from one of the two "Sex & the City" rip-offs that stunk up our TV's this season. Heidi introduces the judges. Victoria Beckham and her giant tangerine revel in the spotlight and applause. Jillian gets major applause. She looks good! No culottes!

The runway is SO long. Jillian's collection is all about a day in the snow in the park. Bundle up, everyone! Jillian was so astounded by what she did. She said it, I didn't. And those Roman hats belong to Jillian not Christian. Harvey Weinstein, producer or ProjRun, is upfront. If a gold digger hadn't already found him, I would have. Rami Noodles is up. No draping here! Did they make Elisa sit on the floor? I love how they sat VictorYA behind a man with an Afro. You know they had words during the show. Rami might have clinched it. Something tells me his designs are winning. His beefy brother, however, needs to take me to Tel Aviv and show me what love is. And make ME a winner. Nina Garcia has a lot to whisper about Rami's collection. Ooh, there's Daniel! He was so sweet!

Christian gets a lot of applause. Ooh, Kara Janx! He works "fierce" in there. The audience digs his collection mainly because it's the most couture and jacked-up. Victoria Beckham's eyes light up because some of this crap will look ILL in US Weekly if she wears it. The one model with the ruffle obscuring her face is damn lucky her hat is see-through otherwise she might end up falling and breaking her neck. The feather outfit is immediately purchased in Victoria Beckham's mind. Christian's got himself a customer! Christian takes the opportunity to walk. I'm torn. His collection was the most fun.

The host of "Top Chef" has an opinion that I don't care about. Nick talks about Rami's descent into "woven". I am getting so nervous! Judges are positive and happy. They must FLY back to Parsons. Heidi was happy with everyone, guess she got that two languages thing down and lightened up. This is the first time I've ever heard Victoria Beckham talk and not just grimace and she seems refreshingly...normal. Despite the tangerine. Nina feels that "the essence of Jillian" was lost. Just buy some culottes and hire an analyst. There ya go. Christian's nervous and Heidi notes it. Victoria pronounces Christian "may-jah". That's like "fierce" but British. Kors tells Christian that it was too black. Heidi has a lot of rings on. Christian is so kissing Victoria's ass. New best friend.

Kors didn't love Rami's colors. He thinks Florence Henderson chose them. Nina thinks Rami's strength is in the evening. That's what he said. Kors loved Jillian's knitwear. He wants to build a snowman. Kors schools Posh Spice on how not everyone can wear the crazy shit she wears. She LURVES Christian's collection. Rami has the color palette of the blind. Christian so won. Thank god there were no Michael, excuse me, Mychael, Knight's in the bunch. You know, hot in the challenges and dies on the runway?

Heidi babbles on. I can't stand it. Jillian's out. Go put some culottes on. She was disappointed and let-down. Rami and Christian! Christian is SOBBING. Ferosha, no! He won. Yay! He's like practically making out with Rami. Let's face it, Christian's personality helped in the win. Victoria Beckham wants to wear his clothes. His family is here. His sister is so happy. He's the youngest winner ever. "Hello, did you have a doubt?" He cracks me up. He needs a "breaky-break" he says. He tells Victoria Beckham he'll be in touch. Oh lordy. Tim gives him his car. And we'll end on a "fierce". Did you expect something else?

Once again, thank you for reading these recaps and saying such nice things and not holding it against me for being a dumb ass. I love you all!