American Idol: "Ghastly Country Fair"

A sad man from Billboard droopy dogs about Paul and John. Ooh, he got a ticket to the show! Randy talks about the Beatles. I will say right now, and I know you Idol fans are used to this but bear with me. Nothing is more irritating than Randy saying "dude". Nothing. Seacrest's hair/closeted homosexuality, these plastic competitiors, even Simon's moobs. Nothing is more annoying than a Randy "dude" emission. Ugh. UGH.

Paul looks panicked when Ryan turns to her. She's wondering if the Xanax can get her through this. She starts talking about "melody" and I flash back to "Promise of a New Day" and crack up. Seacrest can't pronounce "difficulty". Simon's a crab and I love him. He makes Seacrest look like the tool he is. We meet Syesha, 21. She's pretty and has cute hair. And a loving family. That's going to be the gist of all these people. Except the skunk chick, who's one to watch out for. She's doing "Got To Get You Into My Life".

She's ok. It's kinda karaoke. They have back-up singers on this show? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? One of Syesha's friends likes fuschia. Randy's all, you were "alright". Paula thought she was great from the middle through. That's when her ass woke up from her Vicodin stupor. Simon liked it. When the singers react to the artists, it makes me uncomfortable. I hate having to watch people lick ass for compliments.

I can see why abortion protesters targeted Horton Hears A Who. Cuz' that makes sense. Oooh, who's this Chikezie fellow? I'm loving the outfit, and the looks and the demeanor. I'm all for him. They talk about how he's a baggage handler at LAX and he's had to deal with Paula at the airport when she insists on bringing her highball on the plane. We get Chikezie's backstory, and how he "feels people up" as part of his job at LAX. Uh, does Human Resources know about his ass? Nevermind, he's hot and I would let him Chikezie me. He tells some story about his Moms. She looks rad as she boogies along.

He's doing some bluegrass, moonshine still riff on "She's A Woman". I'm loving it. Showmanship! He also has this green wristband that has a Swatch in it. Chikezie is dope! He's got a Tina Turner inside him! I need more Chikezie in my area! In my urea even! Apparently, Chikezie "smashed it". Thank you, Randy. Paula slurs something positive. Ok, I love me Chikezie but he needs to stop with the Cuba Gooding. And I think his Mom needs to make a guest appearance. Seacrest makes him jump around like a dog for a treat. I hate you, Ryan Seacrest.

Here's Ramiele. She slops sushi and soy sauce. She jabs a phone antenna in her face to make dimples. Apparently, the family takes walks together. She's singing "In My Life". She starts singing from the stairs like it's a Grammys performance. And the people in the pit in front are swaying and waving their arms aloft. Uh...ok. Randy tells her that her ass was boring. It was. Paula stops slapping at the imaginary bugs on her arms long enough to tell her that she was too safe. Simon tells her that the stairs move was dreadful. I have to agree. I'd rather she bungee jump in and wake my ass up. The judges think she should go home except for Paula who is dancing like there's no tomorrow and taking it personally.

Jason has dreadlocks and if that doesn't turn you off, he also seems like he has a bong permanently attached to his lips. Seriously, I can smell the ganja from here. He even looked stoned as a kid. He's singing "If I Fell". I can't understand half of what he's saying. He's not a bad singer, he's got that "More Than Words" vibe going on. Ok that might not mesh with "not a bad singer". But those shitlocks gotta go.
Randy was bored. He likes to use "alright", huh? By the way, drink Coke. The judges do. You know it's a mixer for Paula. Simon found it "student in a bedroom at midnight". I don't know what that means but at least someone is saying something. Getting high and getting oral from a crunchy girl, I guess? Simon and Seacrest verbally battle. Ok, it's not even verbal. It's two queens boring me with their subtext.

Carly is an Irish chick with tats. She works in a bar. And waitresses. And then works at a bar. And waitresses again. She's singing "Come Together". She tears it up. Her family and friends look as bedraggled as she does. They're all from the same bar. You can kinda tell she works in that bar. But I like that. I want her to ask me if I want another.

Seacrest and Randy are holding hands. Paula's nodding at anything. She's so blitzed. Here's David. He has dumb hair and painted nails. He's a bartender, too. He also has this big Blade Runner jacket on that some queen stylist thought he would look mint in. Seacrest and Simon whisper to each other. David does a power version of "Eleanor Rigby". Ugh. Randy decides he was "rockin'". Paula's talking about horses or something? Ponies? She better sober up. She's giggling and talking about donkeys. She's your drunk aunt with the QVC jewelry collection.

Seacrest is tormenting the bandleader. Here's Brooke White. She's pretty and watches kids. She's very Faith Hill. I hope she has a Faith Hill breakdown backstage when she doesn't win something. She's singing "Let It Be" and it's my favorite Beatles song so if she messes this up she will have my eternal wrath. She's talking about what the songs means and she comes up with you just have to....let it be. Good one. She's not exactly the brain trust of American Idol. She does a good job and her lustrous hair helps. Her hair's actually doing the performing. The judges think so, too. Brooke is also smart enough to cry. America loves tears. You know that little Asian girl Ramiele is like "kill you, bitch!" She kind of loses her mind when Seacrest tries to talk to her. I think she had a sip of Paula's Coke if you know what I'm sayin'.

David Hernandez is up. He's the gay strip dancer who won't talk about it. Hopefully he's wearing his most glittery thong for this performance! Pass me a 5, I wanna stuff it! He got fired from his pizza waiter job. He's not mentioning the D slinging. Did you know that those pics of people jumping and posing in mid-air are taken on glass platforms? I didn't. He's playing to the tweens in the crowd, but they know you're a mo' dude. This is boring me and I'm hitting fast-forward.

The judges didn't love it. Paula loves his voice, he loves her, too. The audience seems to be always supportive. Do they ever hate a bitch? Simon thought he was corny and desperate. I have to agree. Desperate not to have to go back to letting fat old men fondle his jock for ones!

Here's the skunk chick with the D.U.I. and the nude pics. So, my favorite one, so far. She's a nurse who comes to your house to help you with your oxygen tank. Hot. No mention of the D.U.I. She must crash up on your lawn when she brings you your tank. She likes hogs, too. I mean motorcycles, you pervs. She's this hard-drinking motorcycle momma! She heard the song she's singing for the first time, this week. Good strategy. I missed the title. She's got some Janis Joplin going on. Janis Joplin who smokes beside the oxygen tank! Paula's scared of her, and Simon thinks she slurred her words. Simon and Paula have a drunk mom/gay son fight.

Michael is from Australia. He seems boring. He coaches tennis. Yeah, boring. If you didn't know he was Australian before, he has a Vegemite t-shirt on in his kid photo. I get it now. You're Australian. He's doing "Across the Universe". Please don't let Evan Rachel Woods come out and talk. She's reprehensible. He's an example of why these kids gotta do something different with the songs if they don't have a specific look or an amazing voice. The band's kinda overpowering him. The judges are reading my thoughts. Paula isn't but that's because she's on five types of pills. What are the point of these judges? If America votes for this mess, what's their point? Comic relief? And why is Simon's shirt open to his navel? Was Seacrest giving chest hair exams?

Marcia Brady's up next. Ooh, my nose! Kristy's from Oregon. She rides horses and kickboxes. If she doesn't pull this off, there's always a "Seventeen" cover. She's doing "Eight Days A Week" via the medium of country. Where's my shotgun? She's not going very far. Except back to Oregon. Paula didn't enjoy it. She can't say why really because she's completely intoxicated. Simon gives her a "horrendous". Thank you, Simon. He calls it a "ghastly country fair". Thank you even more! This whole thing is a "ghastly country fair"! Seacrest and Simon have a cat fight. Seriously, Kristy better go find Bobby and Cindy. It ain't happen'.

David is from Salt Lake City. His parents are musicians and dancers. Is he 10? Or does he have the cp? He needs to get a grip! He forgets the lyrics, too. Ouch. Poor little oar-handed David. Even the audience isn't into it and they pump the drugs into these people! "We Can Work It Out" is such a rad song, and now it's ruined for me forever. Randy says it's not your vibe, dawg. Despite being irritating, he's right. Paula was awake enough to realize he forgot the lyrics. It must have been really obvious.

And that was my first Idol experience. I'm guessing Ramiele is getting kicked back to Shu-Sushi with extra wasabi.