America's Next Top Model: Fantastic (?) Four

Dominique starts laughing and talking about how she's the "Saleisha" of this competition. Oh lordy. Whenever she talks and laughs now, my eyes just ZERO IN on that gap in her mouth. How did the judges miss that? I could throw rocks through it.

Fatima is a retarded shit-stirrer and I apologize to retarded people for that comment, but she galls me. The second Dom leaves the room to give us a panty show (wow, they need a new phrase for "no thanks"), Fatima starts in on her. She's surprised that Dom made it this far, because she doesn't look like a model. Ok, I will give her that but can she just focus on the task at hand? Big Whitney agrees. Even Anya gets in on the act and that girl has sunshine up her ass so Dom must be very difficult to live with. Apparently, she eats candy all the time and takes Whitney's food. She's probably lucky that Whitney didn't cut her hands off for that transgression. Cut her hands off and eat them!

Big Whitney says that Dom is eating out of her bag at 2 AM. She seems to keep some sort of snack stash in her purse. Who doesn't? Dom says that she's the most improved (the editors back this up with some sepia flashbacks) and she doesn't care if the other girls don't like her.

Fatima's drinking coffee out of a pint glass, and talking about how she has to win a challenge. Maybe you should have gotten your travel papers straight before you took part in an international modeling competition and then you wouldn't be so far behind. Anya's very impressed with herself because she's won so many challenges. Anya, focus on staying because I don't want to hear arrogance filtered through that cute accent.

The girls go to a park. Paulina's there! She's jumping around and looking fresh and beautiful. The photographer has a very thick accent and he's going to show them how to take pictures? The girls get to photograph each other. Big Whitney pointedly observes that it's good to know that she can barely find any good pictures of the competition from the ones she took. Remove the lens cap, sweetie. There ya go.

The girls are having fun until Dominique fancies herself Mr. Jay and starts giving Fatima complicated posing directions. Ok, granted, Fatima is a moron and probably finds many things complicated. Things like "act playful." But still. Fatima thinks Dominique is being disrespectful. Yeah, especially to dentistry.
Dom ends up falling in a pile of leaves while trying to photograph Anya. Oh that Dom! Oh Christ, that douche from Seventeen is here. The girls are going to photograph Paulina! The winner gets fifty extra frames in the next photo shoot challenge.

Ann from Seventeen is so jealous of Paulina. I can feel the green. Fatima's a better photographer than a model. Dominique is not. She's not that great a model either so she's pretty screwed. Whitney is whispering how beautiful Paulina is. Anya has a vision. She wants Paulina to throw leaves. This is my favorite part. She has Paulina tug leaves. Big Whitney compares Anya to a "ball of radiation." I thought I saw clumps of hair falling out. And that might even explain Dom's missing teeth.

Fatima won the challenge. Way to go, Fatima! Too bad you weren't actually modeling in the challenge. Oh, and Dominique had Paulina pose with a lot of cactus towering over her. Cactus hats! Oh oh, here we go. Dominique and Fatima have a snark battle over who knows what who is doing? Dominique starts weaving her head and giving the girls reason to hate her. Anya feels that Dominique is draining her and making her melt. That's some powerful stank.

Saleisha! She got hired for fashion week! Oh, thank god! She tells us how backstage was "crasssseeeeee." Crazy. She claims she did her own makeup. A likely story. The narrative portrait of the commercial has her looking like she should be singing "Hey Big Spender" in a high school production of Sweet Charity.

It's true though; Dominique is full of anecdotes and advice. And no one's asking. Does Whitney have pink Uggs on? Mr. Jay's in a quilted red leather jacket. The fashion around here has gone berserk and not in a good way. We're doing some Hollywood glamour-type shots. Not the mall kind. Nigel's taking the photos.
It's a very draggish shoot. Fatima says that she's never had a boyfriend, so she can't be sexy around guys. That's sad and I'll stop finding her annoying for a moment. Moment over!

I could listen to Anya yell "hullo, Nigel!" forever. Mr. Jay has to distract Anya with something shiny to actually get a good photograph. Where does he buy his clothes? Is there a store called Almost A Woman? Nigel shows is sultry. He doesn't KNOW sultry! Mr. Jay feels that they will need Fatima's 50 extra frames. And that still didn't work.

None of these girls can get this shit right. Mr. Jay recommends a séance for everyone. More models should communicate with the dead. Everyone goes home and holds their heads in despair. They should! Tyra's photo before judging makes her look like the lesbian from Beverly Hillbillies. Ann Shoket just won't go away! She's on the panel this week. Tyra goes into a whole her picture of Anya vs. Nigel's picture of Anya comparison. We get it, you two know how to take pictures. Paulina looks so much prettier than Ty Ty Baby this week.

Tyra notes that Whitney has a look on he face like "I know I'm fine" and its the same expression that Whitney has. Big Whitney is nothing if not self-confident in her beauty! Ms Jay mocks her ass. But it's nothing compared to the assault and battery they perform on Dom. They have her mutilating her admittedly unflattering outfit. And then Paulina out and out calls her a trannie. Ouch. Tyra admits that she can look like a man, as well. So she goes softer. As soft as a maniac can get.

Fatima tries to give this whole "I'm a clitoris-less spinster" excuse. Tyra cuts her off. No excuses, models are just hookers with more clothes on. Sell it! Judges judge! Nigel says Anya stumbled into her photo. It's determined that Fatima doesn't listen and she's snooty. No, she's just got a head full of rocks! Ms. Jay bags on Cover Girl by saying it will cover up the man in Dom. Ouch. Jesus, if she wasn't so annoying I might feel sorry for her. Luckily, she's fully annoying. We're down to Dom and Fatima. Fatima looks puzzled. Dom's photos made the judges a little nervous. Because they don't want a trannie snapping on them.

Dom's gone? For real? Whitney smiles the smile of thank god this bitch is living. She cries, because Dominique's story isn't over but Dominique is on top of the world right now. And she gallops out of there. I will actually miss her. Get that tooth fixed.

Next - FINALE!