Top Chef: Somebody's Getting Married!

There's this whole process - they have to clean monkfish, make mayonnaise, it's complicated. Dale is bitching because people on his team are scared of making mayonnaise. He wants to know why they're still here. Dale needs to change his Kotex and settle down. Perhaps a heating pad and some chocolate will get him through that.

Richard's faux hawk is reaching for the stars today. Girls cut oranges. It's tense, and I'm waiting for blood to spurt. Lisa is a dicing master. The Siamese idjits battle on artichoke peeling. The monkfish are next. They are totally repulsive. If I was swimming in the ocean and a monkfish swam up, I would scream and yell for the lifeguard. There are a lot of knives flashing. Seriously, someone's going to lose a finger. Mayonnaise is stirred and Richard feels emotion. Last week he wanted babies.

Dale has a tantrum, punches a locker and yells "F*CK!" Antonia wins my heart when she notes that he has to have his diaper changed. It's time for the elimination challenge! What the hell are restaurant wars? Cory and J.P. are here and they're getting married the next day. Oh, someone got an offer they couldn't refuse. The teams have to cater a wedding. No one is pleased about this. Andrew has trouble forming words at first. Cory and J.P. run a restaurant and wedding venue. Did they have to pay for anything for their damn wedding?

Spike thinks that Richard's team shouldn't have chosen the bride's side to cook for. The chefs have to work through the night, and they will have to sleep there! On cots! In that storeroom of terror? Andrew says he has a culinary boner right now. Nikki and the groom are falling in love. This wedding could be in jeopardy. The groom wants Italian. The bride wants fried stuff. Nice, can I come?

Andrew wants to do chicken McNuggets. Ok. Keep it classy, Andrew. Spike suggests that Nikki kind of run the team because her "flavor profile" matched the groom's. Is that like a dating service? I can meet men that also like cheese & mayonnaise sandwiches and spicy tuna rolls? Lesbian Lisa says she's Nikki's bitch. Nikki is getting laid this episode! Dale says that no one likes each other on the team. Everyone else says that they just don't like Dale. I don't blame them. He's cranky as hell. Teams split up to hit Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot. Spike, who is surprisingly sensitive this episode, dons his Curious George hat and keeps Nikki away from Dale.

Restaurant Depot is like the Costco of restaurant stuff. It's all food and things to cook food in. Richard and Andrew are discussing how "sexy" some of the food is. Andrew is chafing under Richard's leadership a bit. That's sexy, too. Richard is also in charge of flowers because he watches Martha Stewart and wears pink shoes. I knew it! Video of food is sent to the girls at Restaurant Depot. It's like Gossip Girl but older and less accessories.

Dale and Lesbian Lisa swear a lot. Meat and veggies and pasta and cake batter is just slapped around. I'm getting hungry. Richard is cooking a GIGANTIC slab of meat. I could watch him handle beef all day. Ok, I've said too much. Dale tells us he's not stopping and he's finding doing all the work to be frustrating. I'm telling you - Midol.

The night rolls on. Andrew is making spinch and he says that he's Popeye's "wet f*ckin' dream right now, dude." Can he not be the color commentator for anything ever? Andrew wants Richard to step off. That faux hawk is getting up in his urea (yeah, I used a "u"). Lisa turns to Nikki and says that Dale is messing up and burning his filets. Everyone's turning on Dale and taking shit away from him because he's lost his mind. It's like the end of Apocalypse Now. Dale and Nikki aren't feeling each other. I'm waiting for Dale to freak out and put his face on a burner.

Nikki wants sleep. Richard is struck by the fact that Andrew has stopped talking which has never happened. Just enjoy it. Dale is unable to tell Tom Colecovision what the hell he cooked. No one else knows either. We think he was making Shrinky Dinks, Tom. Tom finds Lisa's wedding cake to be ugly. Well, maybe if lesbians were allowed to get married in every state in this country, she'd care about making a pretty cake!

It's the wedding! Cory looks very pretty but she's walking much too fast. Everyone's on edge and they haven't slept in over a day. Gail's here and drunk as hell. No one gives shit about the judges. Did Stephanie put mussels on her cake? Oh, weddings make me cry. The bride is drinking water. Girl, I'd be on a glass of champagne like white on rice!

Antonia's into her canapés. Dale made some dry-ass toast for the bruschetta. Teeth are cracking! Is there dancing at this wedding? They couldn't get a free DJ? It's a buffet wedding. Andrew isn't allowed to talk to the guests. That's funny. The bride is here to eat. Some ho is ready to compare her creamed spinach to the chef's. Siddown, Auntie. I like how Antonia talks to Gail about dieting when it's obvious Gail hasn't been.

The groom's team is not doing well. Well, the sea bass is so it's good that Spike hijacked it from crazy Dale. Cakes are tasted. Those weren't mussels on Stephanie's cake, they were flower petals. Aww. Chefs yawn as they lounge about in the storeroom of horror. One ay the atmosphere in here is going to make them all put GLAD bags over their heads and end it all! Tom is amazed that the winning team chose the bride. Spike seriously reigned in his irritation factor this episode because he's not killing me with his mouth. Richard's married? I'll kill that bitch! He talks about her because he's explaining why they chose the bride.

Andrew gets hammered for his spinach and the chicken, which apparently he made for the kids challenge last episode. Nice one, Andy. The bride's team still won. Richard won the challenge. And he gives it to STEPHANIE! Richard should win the whole thing! She wins 2K for Crate & Barrell! Lucky bitch! She just made a cake! I could do that! Ok, that's a lie.

The groom's team lost. Padma is feeling very sensitive. It might be the flower in her hair. The team falls apart in front of the judge's eyes. Nikki washes her hands of the whole thing. Dale gives her hellish looks. The judges tear apart everyone. Dale is wigging out. And starts freaking. Spike dials his mind back to his asshole self. And they start battling. Hissy fits go back and forth. It's a little ugly. But kind of lackadaisical ugly? It's like they're phoning in their backstabbing.

No one kills anyone else in the storeroom because they're all pretty much asleep. And who's going home? Nikki! Well at least she got some love from the groom and Lisa first. Can I still love Richard despite the Crocs?

Next - Antonia's horny. Andrew goes insane. Someone turns up Lisa's burner and bitch ain't happy 'bout it.