American Idol: Times Three

The youngest chick from Brothers & Sisters is here. Isn't she sleeping with her brother? David Archuleta goes back to his hometown in Utah and a man who looks like Kristy Lee Cook's future kidnapper (American flag shirt and moustache wax, for real) gives him a message from Paula . Couldn't she have just told him in person? His crazy-ass stage Dad is there ready to taser David if he tries to escape. Paula's having him sing a Billy Joel song. Paula talks about the song being able to "totally exploit" his voice. Unfortunate choice of words, Abdul. Do you know the Muffin Man?

Paula is straight-up attentive tonight. Is she doing speed now? Come clean my apartment, Paula. Nope, not speed; she's slurring "performance." Archuleta just wants watch to go home and watch Ben 10. Despite the cool kid tie and leather jacket, he's just a chocolate-smeared lil' tyke at heart. He probably has a rock collection.

Seacrest sits in Randy's chair as Simon tries to cover his mouth and go in for the reach-around. I'm sorry, I should have had you put the kids to bed before that sentence. Paula somehow manages to read the teleprompter without nodding off or wondering aloud why they must torment her so WITH THESE WORDS!

Syesha is in a limo in Tampa receiving her song assignment from Randy. He calls her hot. You better settle down with your nuts there, Rand. Why is he talking about Alicia Keys in the past tense? Did her gangsta rap conspiracy theory catch up with her and someone took her down? Syesha is kinda overpowered by what sounds like an organ. Or is that my brain tumor? What's going on?

Randy is making a full-court press to get into Syesha's bloomers. Why do I feel like Paula wrote all of her stuff ahead of time? Or the producers did. Syesha is getting cocky with her "girl" and "thanks, love!" She better watch it, she's about to get the door.

David Cook is at Fox Four in Kansas City, and these gay little segments where the contestants are fake surprised when they get fake texts from the judges with their song assignments are killing me. Cook's like "oh, I'm in the middle of a new broadcast and I forgot to turn my phone off." Golly. The anchor beside him can barely rein in his buckteeth with the giggles. Simon chose "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" for David. GAY! Simon better get his moobs in check with the fever he's feeling for the Cook. Then Simon has to drop a mention of his many girlfriends. So Seacrest pointed out that it's mighty gay of him. Seacrest will not be outqueened!

David Cook's parents are there, and beaming. Randy has an issue with Simon this evening and Paula points that out. She may be drunk, but she can occasionally get to the point. Simon loved it, because Simon loves when boys do the diva thing. He just wishes there were more wigs and drinks with them afterwards. They boys, I mean. Well, they can keep the wigs on. It's all up to how Simon is feeling.

David Archuleta's a little pear-shaped. Should you describe a child as pear-shaped? Christ, I'm probably going to give him an eating disorder. David claims that he chose "With You" by Chris Brown. Actually, you know his Dad did. He wants to start marketing David as someone who can do standards and keep up with the times. He might be banned from backstage but bitch can still scheme for his turtle child. There's some weird camera awkwardness when David forgets his stage blocking. Seacrest should have given him a Little Debbie Zebra Cake and a juice box to calm his nerves.

Did he just say, "boo?" Yeah, he did. Uh, David Archuleta shouldn't have a "boo." He should be playing Hero Clix and snorting milk out of his nose in the lunchroom. The chicks in the "mosh pit" are all pedophiles for screaming over this kid. Seriously, "boo."

Randy's ready to start laughing. He knows what his Dad did. Randy thought the "boo" was laughable, too. Simon tells him that he tried to be a "Chihuahua trying to be a tiger." Simon even points out that his dancing was bad. It's true. That kid's got junk in the trunk and won't know how to back it up until at least 11th grade.

Syesha's here. New dress. Sparkly. She's doing "Fever" by Peggy Lee. She's excited to use a "chair". She's so excited that she pronounces it as "CHAYARE!" This could get messy. It works out ok. She toys with the upright bass guy. There are no men in the mosh pit to flirt with unless she goes Ellen and that's not American Idol.

Oh, and behind the chick from Brothers & Sisters is that big-haired Justin guy from the very first season. He must have gotten a day off from the car wash. Paula gives Syesha a bad review! She must be out of pills and is having a good ole' fashion jonesin'. Simon doesn't like Syesha's choice of song, mostly because he would only like it if a Thai ladyboy sang it.

Seacrest is doing this weird thing where he's sitting on the chair Syesha used and looking up at David Cook. This is getting really weird. Cook must be wondering exactly what the hell's going on. He's singing some song by Switchfoot. Seacrest is almost on eye level with his crotch. Cut it out, Seacrest.

It's your typical emotional Creed-sounding crap that you would think he would sing. This is what his album will sound like. Maybe he can do a super tour with Daughtry. I would burn myself alive like a protesting Buddhist monk in the parking lot. Toddler Boy's up. He's doing Dan Fogelberg. He even changed into his church shirt.

Hey, he didn't drop a "boo." Paula's starting to pass out, so she's keeping her remaining judgements short. Simon hates the song. Someone has a sign that says "Simon, you're my 3rd favorite judge!" That's funny.

And behind Justin Guar-what's his face it's the gay Asian stereotype from Entourage. How proud he must be. That poor bastard has to work with that douche Jeremy Pivens. Poor lil' Gay-sian. Wait, did Seacrest just out Syesha's Dad? Syesha is singing something upbeat. She better start dropping her top because I can see that thread starting to fray. You know, the one she's hanging on by? Paula's eyes can't find Syesha on stage. And I think she's doing a teacher burp. Ugh, go sleep it off, drunk lady.

David Cook is doing that terrible Aerosmith song about not missing a thing. Oh god, the cheese. It's a big wheel of soft cheese. Steven Tyler should slap himself. Is that Diane Warren in the audience? It's all her fault. The audience is going crazy. Lemmings. Randy is giving him low marks for predictability. Diane Warren's a lesbian? And Simon is having a serious David Cook bone down in his trousers this evening. Paula's standing and not falling over. They probably have a net for her when she eventually does. "How did I end up here? Who are these people? Did I fall asleep...is this...a hammock? We have hammocks now? Oh god bless."

Next - See ya, Syesha.