Top Chef: Sabotage!

They have to bring salad's sexy back. Will we ever escape from that song's title being used badly? Lisa feels that some other chefs don't deserve to be here and they have ass-sucking personalities. That could actually come in handy. Antonia's finding Lisa to be a real threat to her in the competition. And to her butchness. Seriously, these girls are sorta having a bulldyke contest. Xanax Stephanie doesn't get a chance to plate her entire salad. Just throw some chips on there and call it a day.

Lisa's banana salad fails to impress. Why does the bitter chef hate Richard? He's an asshole and deserves to die! Lisa is pissed that Dale made a great salad. Spike wins the sexy salad quickfire challenge. Despite his taste in chapeaus. And the immunity prize is still gone for good at this stage in the game. The chefs are presented with a layout of every greasy fast food imaginable. Richard states that he's not against having a big greasy burger every once in awhile. We saw the pot belly, we know, you adorable little kitchen elf.

The chefs have to create gourmet boxed lunches for police cadets. Spike gets a head start on his shopping, and he gets to choose four ingredients from each food group that the others can't use. That's some crafty shit! Stephanie waxes tamponic and growls that she knows Spike's going to screw them all over. Well, they told him to!

Spike runs ahead and acts the fool by waving to people. Spike chooses chicken, tomatoes, bread, and lettuce. His partner in douche, Andrew, says that Spike chose four simple ingredients to screw over the talentless chefs in the house. Andrew needs to stop talking about how wonderful he is because someone's going to shank him in the house shower. I might have to hop in my Delorean and do it myself. Where's my bathing cap?

The chefs have two hours to compose their meal. Andrew uses air quotes. He must have spent a lot of time stuffed in lockers during high school. Stephanie notes that he's making sushi and she says that there's no way that would fill her up. Obviously you've never eaten twenty-five spicy crispy tuna rolls at one sitting, Steph.

Dale is using lettuce cups with bison meat? Wow. Antonia notes that Dale only cooks Asian food and he's going to go down for it. Antonia hates Asians. Lisa is blathering on about brown rice and how she's following the brief to the letter. Here's Tom Colecovision. Lisa burns him with her hot sauce. That was planned.

Spike gives Tom Colecovision some sarcasm about his use of the tomatoes. Sarcasm directed towards Tom will get you a punch, dork. Richard tells Tom he doesn't want to go home because of a boxed lunch. Like what happened to me in second grade. Damn you for that seafood sandwich, Ri-Ri Harvey! Lisa gets sabotaged. Someone turned the burner under her rice up to "high" which ruins everything. Lisa will roll up her sleeves and pummel someone. The editors want us to think it's Dale.

Stephanie thinks Lisa is paranoid. Dale is totally guilty and trying to make like it's an accident and Lisa is just lame. She might be, but Dale is a short gnome comprised of hatred. Cops work out at the academy. Lisa used my least favorite phrase, "shitting a brick." Ugh. Cops roll up to eat.

Richard explains to us why he chose burritos. He's got his head in some sort of wrap that drag queens use before they put on their wig. I could care less about burritos; I just need that hair band to go. Spike is hating because of Richard's burrito sales shtick. You've been just as cheesy, if not more so, tool. Hot cops judge food! Ted's back. What is bitter chef wearing? Is that a woman's sweater? He's also got enough silver bracelets on to make a hippie woman in Phoenix, Arizona jealous.

Ted's back! He has to deal with Andrew's explanation. Andrew's weird sushi offends the judges. They have a transgender cop? Chicago's progressive. There's this one blonde cop who needs to give me a ticket. Andrew is doing the robot. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance.

Lisa is in the storeroom of doom, crying sabotage! Sabotage like an industrial spy does! Andrew didn't use all of the food groups. Dale and Stephanie made it to the top two. Bitter chef's sweater is killing me. Dale won the challenge and why would you award evil? Is this a cable TV corporation? The douche twins and Lesbian Lisa get called out. Andrew goes on and on about how he studied nutrition. He mentions it twice in three sentences. That's not going to save you.

Andrew is swearing and yelling at the judges. Tom isn't standing for his bullshit and mocks him. I need Tom to wear a cop's uniform and mock me. Sorry. Did I just say that? Spike gets screwed for not using the ingredients he denied everyone else. Spike asks Tom what he doesn't know about "salty and sweet." He keeps bitching at Tom. Tom, just SMACK HIM. Lisa talks about the sabotage, and it becomes an inquisition. The judges gives the three chefs some rope to hang themselves and Lisa strikes and sells out Andrew for not using all the ingredients. It's douche vs. dyke as Andrew snapped on her. I can't believe this, but in Andrew's defense (it's hard to type that) that was a dick move on her part. The judges note that they are aware of it, but they ask Andrew and he says he lost his sheet with the rules.

Back in the Glad storeroom of no return, Andrew does this Manson-like move where he stares at Lisa with death eyes. Spike helps him. Ugh. Antonia tells him to quit it. I think Lisa is going home, because the chefs are fixated on her shrimp. But Ted notes that Andrew is an arrogant prick. Meanwhile, it's getting heated in the storeroom of we have your parents and you will give us ten million by sundown or we start mailing you their limbs. Andrew is asking Lisa if she's a Top Chef and it's awkward because he's flipping on her ass. She's a weasel but at least she's not as loud as him.

It's time! Tom breaks down for them why they all sucked. Andrew wants to start yelling. But he doesn't. And he gets tossed. Andrew notes that he will never talk to any of these people again. Except for Spike because he's cool. Douchefest! They should start a band. Oh wait, they did. Mis En Place. Andrew sees Lisa as weak. No one seems very sad that Andrew's obnoxious ass is out. Except for Spike, because they're brothers from another gross slut.

Next - Restaurant Wars. Dale yells.