Living Lohan: Mother of the Year

Did Ali drink something? She's stumbling about. Dina wants the next question. The credits are a take-off on tabloids. There's a grandmother? F*ck yeah! Dina doesn't want to attend jury duty. She reads the tabloids every morning. Oh yes, she does. She wants to see if the item she phoned in made it into the papers. This bitch is a false face. A tired looking Long Island-woman assistant is at her breakfast table seriously needing her roots freshened. Dina is going on about how they better not start in on Ali or there's going to be "war." THAT'S WHAT YOU BOTH WANT, YOU FAKE BITCH!

Dina says she doesn't live her life everyday thinking about what the tabloids are saying. Lie. She's over it. Lie. "Sure, she's human..." (LIE!) and it still does hurt." There's Nana! Did they spell that wrong? Nana watches TV with Dina and they check out what looks like that horrible TMZ show that needs to leave the air. If I see one more guy that looks like me popping out of a cubicle and giving a story item. I need glamour, not the straight version of me taking time out of his busy schedule searching for casual MtF encounters on Craig's List Los Angeles. Nana talks about how the paparazzi have come to her house in the shoe. I love her.

Dina explains how the Maloofs (who own the Palms in Vegas) are Dina's "partners" in the recording of Ali's new album. Cody is 11, and happy that Ali is following her dreams. He then hands back the index card he read from and went back to the soccer field. We follow Ali Lohan as she applies her 45-year-old face. Honey, put High School Musical 2 on the DVD and live your life. Text your friend. Go to the mall and hang by the fountain, giggling at the cute security guard. Stop with the tarting up. Nana needs to take her in. Hilarity ensues when they show Ali plucking away at a synthesizer on her bed. Orly? She's a complete savant, that one.

Dina drives over curbs bringing Cody to his current place of neglect. We get shots of Ali at various photo shoots and then talking to us, looking like Dad's second wife. The tired assistant lady has to sit up on Ali's bed listening her to talk about how she wants to record hip-hop songs. I think she should cover "Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay. Dude, she's heading in that direction anyway.

Ali plays various tracks that have been sent to her to possibly record. You mean she's not writing her own music on her synthesizer. Oh, ok. Ali talks about a young producer named Jeremy that she seems to have a crush on. So these guys do the music, record themselves singing the song, and then send it to the "performer" that's going to wear the clothes, lip-synch it, and do the red carpet? That's sad that it works this way. I went to Berkeley, and I had to put aside my singer/songwriter career to produce tracks for Ali Lohan? Who? Nevermind. I'll be drinking up on the roof and wondering how much it will hurt before the fall kills me.

The assistant chick has apparently been around for awhile and reminisces that she sat on Lindsay's bed too, as she picked her songs. Look how that turned out. Dina brings some groceries home, and Ali thinks jerk sauce comes from beef jerky. She's only a kid, so I'm going to give her a pass on several things. Not all of them. 14 isn't 10. Dina tells us that most of the tracks that Ali is getting from the record company are what they think a 14-year-old "should be." Well, at least SOMEONE f*cking stepped in. Can DYS offer their thoughts on the matter as well? Dina believes that Ali knows what she wants, and that they need to understand who Ali is "as a person, and understand her voice." Because I can see Ali selling millions of hip-hop records and making the cover of Vibe.

Dina and Ali have a conference call with the Maloof guy and some chick named Zoe Thrall, who I think once helped Cobra Commander double-cross Destro. Ali is doing her nails in whatever nail color Ashlee Simpson is sporting this week as she fakes a pregnancy and whines that she and her friends don't listen to the kind of music that the record company sent her. It looks like Ali wants nothing to do with the Miley Cyrus demographic and wants to head straight into like, Rihanna territory. Good luck with that.

Dina enables her child's already dangerously inflated ego by telling her that she's not here to please anyone but herself as an artist. Dude, I cannot wait until the authorities note that there's a 14-year-old in booty shorts working a pole in her new video. And throw Dina into the clink. She manages other artists besides Ali? Dina says she met Jeremy the producer on-line. Uh? Adult Friend Finder! Is there a reason that Jeremy is wearing his sunglasses inside? Bitch, we don't know you!

Jeremy and Dina listen to HIS new album. Dina tries to bob her head. Stop, your dentures are going to fall out. Jeremy tells Ali about a new song he wrote called "Not My Fault" in which she tells a guy she's not in love with him. Did this happen during her youth group meeting? 14!!! Jeremy explains how hip-hop has infiltrated our culture. Thank you, Cornel West.

Jeremy and Ali practice his track. She can't sing. I'm sorry. I'll leave it at that. And then we hit the goldmine as Dina looks at those fake photos from the fake Lindsay Lohan sex tape. But she is literally PEERING at what she thinks is her daughter licking some guy's knob. Mom? Uh, MOM? Then she has the assistant look at it! Now, ALI'S LOOKING AT IT! Dude, you're letting your 14-year-old daughter look at what you think are pictures of your daughter blowing some asshole. For real? These aren't Lindsay's pictures from Disney, terrible mother!

Dina calls Lindsay to get the scoop and it totally sounds like Lindsay was like "f*ck off, heifer," and hung up. Or it was quick editing. Dina plays it cool and is comparing her f*cking the tabloids repeatedly in any position possible as a "big game of chess." Well, that's one way to put it. Checkmate, bitch, you're an awful mother. Dina and her large leather shoulder pads phone up the site and bitch. Dina bitches about Ali and Cody having to deal with their sister's tabloid problems and the fact that she probably has given a blowjob on film before. Cause, come on.

Producer Jeremy and Cody play basketball and discuss the upcoming Vegas trip. Cody might be my other favorite character because he tells Jeremy that the arcade in Vegas is called Jeremy Sucks At Basketball. He's funny. Can Cody get his own show with his Nana? It will be like when I hung out with my Nana, except his Nana isn't dead and doesn't make him go to sleep before sundown. No, she really did that when she watched my brothers and me. Evil bitch! I kid. That was Ri-Ri Harvey's mother.

Ali and Cody go to a rock-climbing place? Man, does Dina pimp these chilluns out. Someone asks Ali for an autograph. The camera lingers on the mom and kid and I think someone wanted to be on camera. Ali talks about how Lindsay is her role model and she looks up to her, tries to look like her and everything. We need a time-out. She just looked at pictures of her sister giving some dude head online and that's her role model. Oh sweet Jaysus. Cody reads from another index card that the producers or Dina handed him about how he loves his sisters.

Dina shows up at a restaurant to make out with some Long Island judge. Who are these people? Oh, she's trying to get out of jury duty. Is this like the Long Island famous people meeting? Where's Billy Joel? So the assistant's name is Lex? Dina constantly has this tired woman Google her name, Lindsay's name, etc. Lex finds an item about Lindsay dating Producer Jeremy. Well, who isn't she f*cking? Why does this come as a shock to people? Fer chrissakes, she's probably been with Eleanor Roosevelt. I know she's dead, but my point is that Lindsay Lohan is a whore.

Maloof TV? They're running this, too? Producer Jeremy is a Sox fan. There's one redeeming quality. Ok, so the tired assistant is Alexis. So, for people who keep telling us that the tabloids can't be trusted, the Lohan family is getting all of their info from them. These people treat TMZ like CNN. Ali and Lex get upset as they read purported quotes from Jeremy saying that he knows Lindsay. The drama builds! We know this because they increase the music as Dina pulls in. When Ali tells her that she's "gonna crap," I put down my popcorn. Ali also yells for Lex to "c'mere." This tired woman lets Ali boss her around? Hope she gets paid well.

Apparently, Jeremy said some unflattering things about Dina begging to hear his music. Oh, there's Nana! Hi, Nana! Nana goes in and out. Can we follow her? Because this producer Jeremy drama isn't exactly gripping.

Dina says that she's giving Jeremy the benefit of the doubt because the press twists things. Nana gives her two cents, and she'd rather not discuss Jeremy, thanks. Nana Love, is what I'm caling her. Ali greets Jeremy by glaring out the window at him. Well, at least she's not f*cking for tracks. She forces the article in his face. Ali should be a district attorney because she friggin' interrogates his ass. She orders him to look her in the face. This poor bastard probably told talked to the tabs, and how he's lying on a 14-year-old pseudo-celebrity's bed and forced to answer to her. Ali yells that "doesn't even know who you are!" AND IT'S A CLIFFHANGER!

Next - Did you know that Dina is a single mom? Did you? There's an older brother Lohan? Ali acts the fool in LA and other little girls hate her ass!