Living Lohan: Like A House Afire!

Ali runs around her house. Jeremy leaves the house. Ali tells the tired Long Island Lex about what's going on. Alexis gives a bitter diatribe about being famous has pitfalls because you can't trust anyone. Producer Jeremy says that Ali is in drama mode and he doesn't have time for it. Uh, what are you here for then? Is Dina releasing an album of Connie Francis covers? Isn't Ali the reason why you're even up in this bitch? Go kiss her ass and fix things, dummy!

Did I just see Nana Love in the kitchen? Lex's eyebags hid her from my sight!

Dina comes home and Ali whines about the betrayal. Dina, looking more cat-faced than usual, tells Ali to get over it. She's fully aware that Ali needs a producers and Timbaland isn't going out of his way to work with her 14-year-old non-Justin Timberlake ass. Dina tells Ali to remind Jeremy that the tabloids have hurt the Lohan family before, and they've "even made fun of you." How kind of her to remind her daughter of that. Let me tell you something. Nothing eased the pain of adolescence like my Mom reminding me exactly what the class bully was saying about me. By the way, she was probably made fun of for that Christmas album. Check it on YouTube. It would make Santa want to light a menorah and say "fuck it" to the whole thing

Dina is sitting there, telling us that it's "101 Tabloid". That's one weird course booklet she had. Dina spouts off about how Jeremy needs to learn to speak to the tabloids. This ho lives, breathes and loves the tabs. Seriously, it's so evident. She would DIE without them. She should probably start her own, about herself. Well, wait, that's what this is.

Dina says they have to educate Jeremy is this whole "tabloidism". Is she preparing a book? She's dropping buzzword left and right. Please call it DIna Lohan: 101 Tabloid From The Cat Face Herself. Dina and Ali take Jeremy upstairs to bang. I'm kidding. Ali goes to her room to experiment with lip gloss, and Dina bangs the "tabloidism" knowledge into him.

They actually have a weird group therapy encounter. Jeremy fesses' up to making it look like he's doing for Lindsay what Samantha Ronson can never do despite her long fingers and hurricane tongue. This is way humiliating for this dude. Dumbass. Dina tells Jeremy that he's "an innocent victim" and Ali all of a sudden is singing a different tune with "you're an amazing musician." Dina tells her to shush like Dr. Evil and I like that. These two are going to end up living together and running a glamour shots studio in St. Petersburg, Florida. I just feel it.

Dina cat faces that Ali needs Jeremy, which is why she smoothed things over. Dina might be morally bankrupt and all kinds of pathological, but she ain't dumb. Ali is like "gawd, I should have tawked to ya, and not freaked out!" Producer Jeremy reminds them that he doesn't have parents? Producer Jeremy is Jesus? Jeremy's apology is accepted. So he makes out with Dina. Ali's like, whoa. I am, too.

So Dina has her own one-on-one with Jeremy. And she's a subtle little snake. Or subtle little cat face. She gets him to admit even more. And she is so consumed with tabloids that she's like "do you read the paper? you gotta watch who you date!" This bitch is at a Buffalo Springfield paranoia strikes deep into your life it will creep level. Her motivation is laid bare as she keeps repeating over and over that reporters twist words. Well, cat face, they can't twist words if you don't say any, stupid bitch! You're your own worst enemy!

Jeremy is all I would never hurt these nasty bitches. But then he makes a joke that people know who he is now. He must sense Dina's track desperation for her daughter. She admits she's using him, too. Cody and Ali play soccer and I wish for a better life for Cody. Dina is getting ready to go out and celebrate her cover on the new Boulevard magazine. They couldn't find another celebrity in Long Island? Could Billy Joel have driven his drunken way onto their cover?

Ali critiques Dina's choice of outfit for her big magazine party. She seems to feel that Cat Face will be flashing too much....cat...in one black dress. Dina makes sure that we know it's Stella McCartney. She's such a liar. Knock-off! Car trunk in Chinatown! Ali can see through Dina's dress. She's very helpful.

Nana Love is here! And someone named Eileen! And Aunt Rose, who is Michael Lohan's sister? She still runs with Dina? Betrayer! NANA LOVE PUT ON A PINHEAD MASK! Cousin Amanda is in charge! She takes the kids to a kegger. Probably not, but look at the hairband and all the makeup. Cousin Amanda is up to no good.

Dina gives Ty the bodyguard (well, you someone somewhere wants to kill her) her dress to hang in the car. She LOOOVEESSS having help. Friend Eileen is like commenting how Ali is so different from Lindsay. Yeah, older. Nana Love is giving us the rundown on what makes these girls tick. Dina gets off her cellphone and starts talking about how she wishes Ali were going to school and she's going to be a Ford Model, and she's making these hand gestures and she LOVES IT. LOVES THIS WHOLE THING. I have not seen such fakery since Tom Cruise grabbed onto Katie Holmes' leg at their house-warming for the cameras.

Ali gets asked for her autograph and she has her first orgasm. I guess they're going to a haunted house? Bring Dina, cat faces are scary. Cody Lohan puts on giant boobs. Can this show be about him? Dina Lohan runs into Jeremy at the magazine party which appears to be in Times Square. The kids get home and there's a bad smell. Ali Lohan is a drama momma. It's probably Dina's panties. The firefighters show up, and is there a photographer with them? Firefighters are so rad if they're trying to make some scratch off this.

Meanwhile Dina is trying to raise the roof at her tired party. Please stop trying to dance. I'm scared. There's awesome footage of Dina knocking a cardboard picture of the magazine cover away from her face so photographers don't miss any part of her gorgeous person.

Ali phones Dina about the conflagration. I'm sure this isn't the first time that Dina has left for a party with the house afire. She doesn't answer. Ali's getting checked out by paramedics because she's a hypochondriac. Meanwhile, Dina is backing that ass up on hedge fund managers. Ty calls Cody. And the party was at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone, which has girls serving drinks in bikinis. Classy! Ty rolls up on Dina who's like "I have kids? They're on fire? Well, tell em' to throw some water on it or something. Hey Denise, yes, I have GOT to e-mail you back!" No, she's actually concerned.

Why isn't Nana Love getting down at the Zone. That ho can roll, I've seen her up in the club. Dina finally calls up, and a disinterested Ali (now that she knows she probably doesn't have cancer or something from the bad smell) tells Dina it's fine. "Way to care..." she should have added. Dina gives a drunken look like, I should have been there! She staggers into the kids' bedrooms and drunkenly wakes them up to try a little too late to show concern.

Dina tells Tired Lex about the fire the next day or three months later or whatever. Dina expresses dismay about the hole in the wall. Bitch, you could have been killed!

And let me interject here with a little J. Harvey electrical fire story. That shit happened to me and it is SCARY. The boyfriend and I heard this crazy whoomping sound and we run outside of my duplex apartment to see sparks and flames shooting out of the electric meter on the side of the building! This story has no moral. Oh wait, the funny part is that I went next door to the chick with the baby who lived on the other side and I was like "there's a fire, come out here," and she's like "should I bring the baby?" No, shit for brains, leave your kid in the burning building.

Producer Jeremy is still lurking around, trying to get his penis worked on for tracks. He wants to know the electrical wire situation is safe. Ali only trusts her family, but she's still willing to deal with Jeremy. An electrician comes and Dina tries to pay him with vagina. Lex and Dina explore fire safety and end up looking at pics of nude firemen online. I'm not going to lie, that's where I would end up, too.

Ali has a long talk with Jeremy while wearing orange blush. They talk about what kind of music she likes, and I'm thinking Jeremy looks like he might have some sort of goofball problem. It's just something I can't put my finger on. Ali switches the song she liked and wants Jeremy to "make me magic." Girl, you're gonna need to study more in school for that to happen.

Producer Jeremy takes off with some of Dina's thongs and the family silver. Dina tells Jeremy not to talk to the tabloids again. They are all going to meet in Vegas again. I don't think they called him a cab and they have a really long driveway.

Next - Mean Girls. For Real. Crotch!