Denise Richards: It's C*nty

Dogs and pigs run around while Denise logs onto a negative Perez Hilton story about her. Her friend Trish is like "people have too much time on their hands." Uh, yeah and you're reading it so what are you up to? Denise is all "I don't look like an 80s hooker, do I?" Her mouth looks particularly drawn as she asks this, and you cant tell it's all getting to her. I would feel bad if I didn't know any better.

The girls discuss how being called a hooker is actually a compliment. No, it's not, no matter what Michelle Plain and Tall says. Denise's Midwestern accent increases some weird need I have to pity her. I need to squash this right now or I might be out of a job. Denise and Dad Irv discuss Perez Hilton. She's printed out the article so she doesn't have to lug her monitor or laptop around. Why is she still on this? I'm pretty sure she just said "suck cock" in front of her daughter. She's so nasty. She acknowledges her swearing issue. Irv wants her to put the kibosh on it as she lets the girls draw lines on her face that make her look even more like a hagged-out crone.

Daddy Irv suggests she give up a pair of designer shoes when she swears. Denise informs us that she has many, many, many pairs of expensive shoes that she does not wish to part with. Your child support is on her feet, Charlie Sheen. She says she will donate a pair of shoes everytime she "c-u-s-s" es. Uh, so you can shout out "cock" but you need to spell cuss?

Denise is driving Trish around and not doing much of anything when her publicist calls to tell her about some story in People about her. Trish looks uncomfortable as the shoe-horn in dialogue that Denise recorded after the fact about wanting a meeting with the reporter who wrote a story about how she's exploiting her kids. Poor Trish. She just wanted to be cool and be on TV and didn't mean to get caught up in Denise's dysfunctional life. By the way, when you watch Denise and Dina Lohan's shows in a row, it's like watching one long blur of whining about tabloids.

Trish tells us that she's never seen Denise so upset. You just met her. Aren't you new? Trish feels that Denise should confront her tormentors. Please do so. I already saw the promo for the fight and I need to get to the good stuff. It turns out that Denise feels she needs to "protect" her kids from a story about Denise using them. Uh, shouldn't someone protect the kids from you using them?

Denise meets with the reporter, and they briefly bond over the reporter's dog. I don't know what this whole thing is about where you bring the dog to work, but I'm not having it. The reporter, Lycia Naff, is not taking any shit from Denise from the get-go and this could get really good in about five seconds. She asks Denise "what the problem" is? HAH! This kind of makes me feel like People isn't the celebrity butt-licking rag it's made out to be. Either that, or Lycia is a good friend of Heather Locklear's.

Denise gives her spiel. She says that her Mom wanted her to do a reality show. HAH! For real? My Mom just wants me to be happy. She's never mentioned that she wanted me to bring in a camera crew to document my every move. This journalist must be the president of the Heather Locklear fan club because she is one smug asshole to Denise. She actually makes her cry when she starts asking sarcastic questions about her Mom's last wish being for her to do a reality show.

Then she starts in on Denise's "drama" and how nothing would surprise her. Denise interviews about the "audacity" of "these journalists." Let's not get crazy. This is People. Denise mentions her kids and Lycia tells Denise not to play "the parent card." Lycia gets into it about Denise tipping off the paparazzi as to where her and Richie Sambora were going to be. It starts getting ugly.

Lycia (LEE-SEE-AH) brings up Denise's court appearances in which she labeled her ex-husband as being into kiddie porn, hookers, and generally being a perv. Denise says that it wasn't her releasing that info to the press. Lycia, who is a bitch on Heelys, takes a phone call while Denise is talking. Denise gets up to go, almost runs into a camera guy, goes back and leans across the desk to school LEE-SEE-AH. Lycia is seriously having trouble not busting out laughing in girlfriend's face. Why do I have the feeling that I saw this exact same scene on Dirt this season? And that was written a lot better. And keep in mind that Dirt sucks.

Denise leaves by telling her to "do your f*cking homework, you c*nt." DAYUM! Get it, Denise! She swooshes her way out, as hellfire burns in her wake. Denise starts crying in the car. Denise meets with Chuck James, her agent. Chuck ,unfortunately, has an vagina for a mouth. Or a battered anus. I'm sorry, I'm sure he's a nice man but I hope that those lips are natural, otherwise he needs to be bringing some sort of lawsuit. Denise relates how she dropped the "c-bomb" on LEE-SEE-AH. It should be pronounced "LISSHA." Chuck is like "bitch, you did what?" He has to repeat what she said to believe it. Priceless. Hearing Denise whining "I SNAP-UH-ED" is amazing. Chuck tells her to just open up and set the record straight. If I have to hear about anymore record-straightening, I'm going to die. Chuck is wearing pinstripes, I'm sorta jealous.

Denise talks about speaking to Redbook magazine with Daddy Irv. She goes on and on, and Daddy Irv is concerned they're going to ask her questions she can't answer. Like what is our nation's capital? Denise goes to Redbook and she LOVES photoshoots. She just found out that her interviewer is at the shoot and she's nervous. She consults with her hair-burner and makeup hag as to how much she should talk about. Uh, you just said you were going to discuss everything and leave no stone unturned. It sounds like you just realized that there might be a reason people thought you were panhandling for gold in them thar married man hills.

Denise asks if she should mention Heather Locklear. And make-up crone says that if she's gonna, don't sound angry. Denise gets her picture taken, and she's not a bad-looking broad. Denise notes that the photographer had photographed her and Sheen for her last Redbook cover and after it came out, they split up. Redbook is cursed.

The interviewer is coming to the house. Irv listens to Denise whine about getting asked about Heather. And then she says that she wasn't actually friends with Locklear. That's not what I heard! Or read. And the tabloids never lie. Though they might if a certain actress keeps rolling up on them and calling them "c*nts."

The interview begins. Denise looks like she's on trial. The interview seems to be some hard bitch from New York, who's not going to take any bullshit. The dramatic music after she asks questions KILLS me. I'm waiting for Denise to look around and be like, did you hear that? The tape recorder spins. Heather is brought up. The reporter goes for it. Stole a friend's husband, dintcha?

They stare at each other. Denise basically admits the entire thing by asking "how does someone really steals someone's husband?"

BAM! Guilty! I did it your honor! Lock this bitch up!

Denise wants an answer. And the journalist gives in and says "they don't." Denise says she wasn't ever Heather's best friend, and that she bagged Richie when Heather and Richie were separated. Now that we've tackled this issue, why should I watch this show anymore? Unless the next episode is about Charlie Sheen's adult baby fetish. I need to hear about that.

Denise says that she's just here to help people who've lost parents or been through a messy divorce. And mentions that her Mom was dying when the whole "Heather thing exploded." Well, don't steal husbands while your Mom is sick, douche! Sorry.

Heather Locklear is going to watch this show and seriously make a pitstop at Denise's. With an axe. The reporter says that what she's doing is ultimately very important for women. Daddy Irv says she did well, but Denise owes 13 or 14 pairs of shoes for swearing during it. I think they're serious. That chicken he's making looks good. She has some AWESOME shoe boxes with pictures of the shoes inside! That's hot! If you don't have a walk-in.

They were serious. They went to Goodwill, and bitch donated Prada, D&G and Jimmy Choo. I'd kill Irv first! Now I know where to go shoe shopping - the Goodwill in LA! Oh wait. DAMN I HATE BEING A MAN!

Next - Denise gets her ass sprayed again and claims she's a millionaire. And Playboy approaches her about doing their cover. Do it now before that downward turn on your face gets lower.