Living Lohan: Adversity For Ali

School! Schoolbus! Dina's pouring milk. Cody's still neglected. His soccer ball is his only friend. Ali runs in crying and shuts herself in her room. I cried, too, when I Know Who Killed Me flopped, sweetie. I know how you feel. Ali's on her laptop being a bitch and telling Dina nothing is wrong. Dina tells her not to be rude to her and slams out acting like the teenage girl in a harridan's body that she is.

Ali's school calls. It seems that some bitches were harassing Ali at school. Dina's interview portion for this episode makes her look like the White Witch from Narnia's trailer park cousin. She looks very flat and silvery. DIna decides to keep Ali home from school. Is that good parenting? Dina, in what looks like an interview from awhile back and different from her new Narnia getup, says that Ali gets harassed everyday and that the kids sing Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" to her in the halls because her sister is a drunk/drug ass. Tired Lex says that it doesn't matter what happens because Ali is pursuing her dream.

Ali says that her music helps her through the rough times. Does she mean when she listens to the songs producers send to her and imagine her sweetened vocals over them? That helps me get through the rough times, too. I know we're supposed to feel bad for her but all I can focus is on is the immense amount of makeup she's wearing for a 14-year-old.

Dina gets a call from one of the Moms whose daughter f*cked with Ali. Nana LOVE! Nana Love is in the car and doesn't feel bad for Ali. Bitch needs to know how to handle rejection, says Nana Love. RIGHT ON. I love how tough old people are. Seriously, they come from a time when Life just punched you in the face and there was no Ritalin, therapy, or even hugs to help you out. Sink or swim, ingrates!

Nana Love tells us Lindsay went through the same thing. Is she wearing a spotted owl coat? I'm in LOVE. I'm in Nana Love! Ali and Tired Lex are out front, wandering around the driveway because Ali doesn't have any friends, when someone sends her a nasty text message with a lot of exclamation points. Because whoever sent it (Michael Lohan, probably) wants her to know he means business!!!!

So anyway, the cock knockers keep pranking Ali because they, like her, don't have lives. And Ali, who apparently had her hair colored for the interview portion because she looks like Rosalind Cash smashed with Lynda Carter, thinks it's "horrific."

Ali requests to be home schooled. Girl, you don't get that until those bitches jump your ass or post some naked photos of you on MySpace. Wow, this is a vile country, huh? Dina doesn't want to give in. I wouldn't either. Who didn't have a shitty time in high school? We all did at some point. And even the ones who didn't, like your prom queen or your football captain, went home and drank in their bedroom closet because they were having an affair with their stepdad. It's all very painful.

Ali says having a bunch of friends isn't her main priority right now. Oh, that is some sad shit. Her family are her best friends, she says. Cody must be like "bitch, I have friends. You sad." She seems to be quite good at soccer, though. Take that up. Maybe the other girls don't like you because you use all the makeup. Cody advises her to ignore it. Cody consults Nana Love about what Ali's problem is. Nana Love knows all and thinks Ali should keep away from the bitches. Then she has a highball.

Dina has a video chat with Michael Lohan. The son. We'll call him Mike. We find out that Mike also experienced some heartbreak because his sister was a global star and he was some tool on the lacrosse team. It's very interesting to me that Lindsay Lohan can not smile in any pictures. Seriously, even when posing with her brother, she has to look like she's about to spread for him after the picture is taken. What the f*ck is that maneuver? Why do you have to look like you're going to ride the camera, even in family photos? Psycho.

Mike Lohan and Dina vidchat. I hate vidchat. Why? Because no one looks good with their huge face on a monitor. Dina seem to hang by the lefthand frame. I don't blame her. Dina decides to take Ali to what looks like an urban theater group for kids. Did a producer suggest this? Ali sits in the back of Dina's ride like some fucking princess. And that red leather blazer she's wearing and her bitching that she can't put away her nail polish despite Dina's allergy made me not "bleep" out the "u" in "fucking" like I usually do. I seriously hate kids sometimes. Especially the My Super Sweet 16 segment of the populace. Oh and Ali thinks Impact (the urban theater) sounds ridiculous, as I would.

Nana Love quizzes Ali on what her damage is, Heather. We find out that Nana Love was teased. I bet she friggin' took off her petticoats and hoop skirts and beat a bitch down! We find out Dina was called Spider Legs. Not Cat Face? The paps are waiting for the threesome, Ali LOVES it. Anyway, they're at Impact. And Ali starts getting into it. Dina is holding Nana Love's hand, she's so moved. Ali gets up to dance And then Dina does. This is the highpoint of my young queer life. NANA LOVE IS DANCING! GO NANA, GO NANA! Drop it to the floor and swing it 'round! Dina is a whirligig of menopausal action, as she spins across the floor to Ali's horror.

Ali starts telling us about Impact's philosophy. There's going to be a heart-sharing between Ali and Impact. She ended up having a lot of fun, but her real happiness comes from those paps taking her picture. Sue, Ali's vocal coach, is here. They work it out on that keyboard in Ali's room. Ah, so that's who plays it! Dina's friend Eileen is here. We find out that she lost her daughter, who was a friend of Lindsay's, to meningitis. That's scary, you can catch that shit at college. No joke. Of course, Dina only talks about Ali. Eileen says that Ali is gifted, and has a fire and that Dina should be grateful. Dina starts working on some crocodile, or rather, cat tears.

Is Ali's vocal coach trying to get in on the Ali Lohan gravy train? Sponsored by Revlon. We learn more about Eileen's deceased daughter. Who passed away from "the disease of meningitis." Thank you, Ali. They're using Katelyn (?)'s poetry as a song on Ali's album. Let's let Dianne Warren work with those words first, and use them appropriately as opposed to your vocal coach who moonlights as the lady who passes out the bowling shoes at Colonial Bowl.

Ali sings the poetry song. By the way? She can't sing. Oh it's bad. I feel like my ears are going to resent me forever now. Dina says that Ali is done with the mean girls at school. Ever since I saw Dina dance, I am, too. Dina is letting Access Hollywood come to the house. She basically tells Ali to watch out, but doesn't really give her a choice. Dina is teaching Ali Tabloid 101. I thought it was 101 Tabloid?

In some sick stage mom business, Dina prepares a series of questions to grille Ali on. This is some deep-seated crazy and gross and everything ugly about being a stage-mom. Dina at one point snaps at Ali for having her hand in front of her face. And then quizzes her about the contents of Lindsay's water bottle. And fires off some more.

Cody dives in. He just rolled off some slut, and now he's here to participate. He says Dina is his favorite sister. She totally made him say that. Stacy London is here from Access Hollywood. It's weird because Ali does her interview sitting on the floor, and Stacy London squats over her like you would an injured dog. Huh? Ali does fine, and even gives a shout-out to the bitches in the cafeteria who did whatever they did to her.

Stacy asks her what she's learning from Dina. Besides the altoids during oral trick. It's to not let anyone get in your way. Like a divorce lawyer or someone's wife!

Next - Ali wants a dog. Mike Lohan comes home. His girlfriend has had enough.