Living Lohan: Leave Nana Alone!

Previously - Ali brought another bitch into the house, and eldest son Michael is a controlling douche to his girlfriend. And Nana Love is, as ever, an elegant lady.

Michael's whole thing about how she doesn't understand his family is so irritating. You dumb ass bitch! You are the LOHANS! You are not the royal family, the Kennedys or even the Spears family.

Ali is interrogating Michael about why he fought with Nina. Mind your own business, Nosey! It turns out that Nina hasn't called his dumb ass since she left. Good for her. Go for Bryan Spears, he's cuter!

More Lohan, after the jump!

Why does Ali give a shit? Go back to your bedroom and plink on that keyboard that you don't know how to play! This chile is so presumptuous! Ali tells us that she doesn't like when people fight. Well, you didn't seem to have a problem when you were squawking at Producer Jeremy awhile ago. Ali says she doesn't want them to break up. Get real!

Ali, Dina and I hope Cody are packing for Vegas. Cody needs more than a soccer ball to talk to. He needs a Mom. It's ok if it's a cat face mom, that's still a mom. Dina says she's worrying about Michael and Nina, but she's also concerned with getting everyone packed for Vegas. Ali's excited about "laying down my first tracks in Vegas". It's not like you're going to be out and about and up in the VIP at LAX!

We get some footage of Ali on stage, singing in booty shorts. Phil Maloof is here. He owns the Palms and I guess he's Dina's partner in Ali's album. Nana Love! Dina's trying to bring her to Vegas. Bitch can handle Vegas by herself, thanks! Nana Love probaby has her own suite at Caesar's! You know she ran with Frank, Dean, Sammy and the boys back in the day! Until that cooze Shirley Maclaine aced her ass out of there! She doesn't like to talk about it.

Dina takes Nana Love to lunch, where Nana enjoys the soup and tries to ignore the fact that Dina is making an ass out of herself by wearing sunglasses in the restaurant. Dina, honey, no one gives a shit!

Dina's telling her that it will be relaxing and she'll have her own room. Yeah, because Vegas is a sleepy village. Seriously, Dina grabbed her blu-blockers and she's working them in the restaurant and she looks like a f*cking caricature of some sort of demented, trashy stage mom.

Nana Love tries protesting that her dog will miss her, and she doesn't feel like traveling. Dina actually suggests that they will rent a Winnebago to get Nana there because she's never flown before. Cody tells Dina he's not excited about Vegas. He will miss his friends, who are soccer balls. DIna's basically all well Cody doesn't want to go but f*ck that noize, he's 11. I'm in charge here, bitch! Mother of the year.

Why do the Lohans have a golf cart? This will kill Dina, but the house doesn't look that big, at least not big enought that a golf cart is needed. Cody and Michael play basketball. Michael says he doesn't know what's on Nina's mind, and she doesn't know what's on his and he can't get in touch with her. She knows what's on your mind. She knows you're one of those  absolutely cheesy controlling little pussy bitch types. She's going to meet a chill guy, who's laid back and doesn't feel like worshipping the Lohan family should be your lot in life and she's going to bang him and they're going to laugh about how you like to get kicked in the nuts during sex play and that you call her Lindsay when you sleep with her. Let's be real.

Michael's working his child psychology classes on Cody and telling him that he has to take shots and when he misses or hits, he has to give a pro or a con about Vegas. Ugh, howabout shots of liquor? Cody should suggest that.

Cody repeats how he doesn't want to miss soccer or his soccer ball friends. Cody wants to go to college with Michael. Ugh. Cody needs to trim that bush, because he's looking like Ryder Robinson. Dina tries to convince Cody that Vegas is a tween paradise but Cody isn't buying it. Niketown? Please - howabout showgirls who he can kick soccerballs at? Cody basically tells her he's not going and exits. He keeps his pimp hand strong.

Upstairs that 45 year old hooker called Ali is packing every single item of clothing she owns. Michael is such a self-righteous putz. He totally invalidates Cody's feelings about having to go and then of course tells him some bullshit sob story about how his family abandoned him when Lohan shot The Parent Trap. Cody tells Michael to get out. HAH!

Cody has every right not to give a shit about Ali's dream. He hugs Michael after the lecture and then punches him in the gut like Nina should have. Michael calls Nina, and leaves some idiot message asking how things went with his Mom. She dropped her off at the train station! They didn't drive to the Dr. Phil set! Putz!

Dina has a gay brother? Paul? Dina tries to convince Paul to convince Nana Love to go to Vegas. Uh, Dina? Nana Love is her own goddamn person! Cody challenges Nana Love to some basketball! Get it, Sheryl Swoopes! And she plays way better than I do! So she can't quite reach the basket, at least she doesn't shoot Granny style!

Paul can't be gay, he has a mullet. NANA GETS ONE IN! Dina tries some more with Love. Paul totally betrays Dina, and says bitch doesn't need to go! Nana Love says that Dina doesn't always accept her decisions. She better start!

Cody wants to hear from Ali about what happened with Michael and Nina. Ali suggests that they send a romantic card. Cody earns my eternal admiration when he goes "yeah, that's good...NO!" sarcastically. HAH! Nana Love needs to rescue his ass out of there. Cody suggests they make them dinner. Dina and Michael go for a walk in the woods as if it's visiting day at the Home for Putzes.

Dina is wearing this gray animal print jacket that's killing me, and not softly. Dina's on Nana Love about Vegas again. Nana's like step off, bitch! Dina feels that Nana's not living her life since her husband passed. Yeah, because trailing you two bitches to Vegas to watch you whore for tracks (figuratively, so far) is living life.

Ali calls Nina to give her a sob story about Michael. Hey, Michael acted the fool, let him deal with his actions. Nina actually says she'll come over. Cody and Ali start making dinner. I don't know about this. Nina shows up. Ali looks like she's trying to make sure Nina doesn't leave.

Michael is summoned. He was probably too busy masturbating to himself in a compact mirror and doesn't need to be disturbed by these gremlins.Nina is downstairs staring at the gross chicken these children heated up. Cody and Ali exit. NIna looks like "why did I return to see this greasy pig"? Cody says "thanks for coming back" like a douche. AND HE GOES ON AGAIN ABOUT UNDERSTANDING HIS FAMILY! Dude, just because your last name is "Lohan" does not mean you are the only person in that relationship. Nina, you need to flee, you in danja, girl!

Nina falls for it, and claims she needed to understand about his family. Was she beaten between scenes? Ugh. I have lost all respect for her mentally abused ass. Cody and Ali realize that Michael and Nina fed the chicken to the dogs. Ali is rocking another ugly animal print. Was there a sale?

Nana Love brings over a Catholic Charities plaque from her deceased husband. A little morbid, but hey, anything to make Dina and Ali realize they're selfish bitches. Nana notes that she feels no motivation to go anywhere since her boo passed. I feel ya, Nana. If I lost my boo, I'd probably drive into a wall. Looking fabulous of course.

We learn that Cody keeps his granddad's Mass card in his shinguard for his games. He and Nana are the only two humans here.  Nana Love acknowledges that it gets harder as the years go by. Dina says she's going to stop forcing her to go. Michael leaves, thank christ. He's such an arrogant woman. Ali is already wearing her Playboy bunny ears, and foreshadowing her future. Cody tries hopping onto Michael's car to escape this mess but to no avail.

Next - The Lohan broads invade Vegas. There's some sad party. And Ali can't sing.